"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

financialwizard, it's when people emotionally abuse you by saying and doing things and blaming it on you. When you pull them up on it, they deny that they did/said anything and make out that you're making it up, you are to blame or you're mad.

You can end up seriously doubting your own sanity and actually feeling mad.

My parents were very good at it!

Mine too!! FunBag My mother used to swear blind that I had said things that I hadn't. I would really feel like I was going mad.

I think the term 'gaslighting' comes from an old film where a husband was trying to convince his wife that she was going mad. He would dim the gaslights in the house and when the wife made comment about it he would swear that the lights weren't dim it was her imagination.

Thanks for the explanation. That is interesting and fucking awful

I'm a lurker here too really, mampam. I had the same as you, and of course my folks doing and saying things and then flat out denying it.

It's weird about the gaslighting, I had been starting to have concerns about Mum starting to go senile or having the early stages of dementia before I had my lightbulb moment in therapy, then I realised that she has always said things to me or done things that she flat out denies when I mention them.

I had always thought that I was messed up in the head and it must just be that I was forgetful but I have now realised that it only happens with things she tells me...

Have you found that you've attracted partners/boyfriends who also do this?

My grandmother died recently. A family member organised the funeral, not my mother, because my mother wasn't in the country at the time. My Mother said the most awful things about the family member and her organisation of everything, I do mean really, really dreadful things, said family member is the most loved member of the family, in the main because she's bloody lovely. So, she was having a moan on the 'phone and I called her on what she'd said. She stated that she didn't say it. I told her it was called gaslighting and then she started saying it was only what my brother had told her. That would be the brother that asked the family member for help. She made sarcastic, nasty comments and I just said goodbye and put the 'phone down. It was hard in some ways, I needed an excuse and she provided it, I knew she would. It's bloody lovely. I never have to worry about her again. She will bitch to brothers and sisters, but I know now, and I didn't for years that one brother and my sister will take absolutely no notice whatsoever. That too makes it easier.

dawn it's awful when they deny saying stuff, that you know they've said, it takes courage to stand up to the conditioning they've done for years and say no actually you did say that, so well done.

My DB still just sees this as how she is, and thinks that I should just brush it under the carpet again, but I really don't want to do that anymore. Mind you, that's easy for me to say while I'm currently NC. The real test will be when I next see her.

funbag yes my first h was a textbook abusive arsehole, funnily enough he was the only one of my partners my Mum has liked! My dh sees through her though and she doesn't like him much.

Recently, since I started my voyage of self discovery, I have started to realise that surrounding myself with people who make me feel good about myself helps to show just how disfunctional my relationship with my Mum is.

I have a very good friend who is my sort of Mother substitute and it is her who I turn to when things are bad or when I have good news. I find that she supports me without judgement, and rejoices with me when things are good, I'm so lucky to have met her, but it still makes me sad that I can't be myself around my Mum, as she disapproves of the 'real me'.

funbag I too also had an abusive first husband. He screwed with my mind (I did go to counselling over that) and he also physically assualted me which seems much easier to get over. Writing all of this down makes my life sound awful but it has been good for quite some time now. Well apart from my Mother.

IncogKNEEto and financialwizard. The reason for asking was because I had a very unhappy childhood due to the way things were at home. I think that was the resaon behind me repeatedly going for abusive partners.

It's not like there was physical violence growing up, just violence of the mental kind! Perhaps the pattern became ingrained. If you grow up and the most important man in your life (your father) repeatedly plays games and can be very hurtful and vidictive, it stands to reason that you will look for relationships like that as you get older.

The funny thing is that I have let go of the resentment over the last couple of years. I keep my parents at arms length now, but we basically get on. Probably because we hardly see each other! I do often talk to my dad online though.

I found out he was mentally ill, and so it was easier to see why he behaved the way he did. However, I only found this out about 5-6 years ago. Even my sister had known about it for ages. I wish I had been told sooner, because I had always assumed that my dad was just a spiteful, vindictive c*.

Sorry, had to let that out.

Did you find it difficult to find a middle ground FunBag ? I am considering my options at the moment. I find it extremely difficult having any kind of contact with my parents, although more my Mum. If I cut contact altogether with my Mum though and spoke to my Dad he would guilt trip me, so it would have to be complete no contact. Sometimes I think this is the only option open to me. I know I can't carry on like this, and that something has to give, this time I really don't want it to be me.

I feel like a lightbulb went off in my head when I first posted on here. I feel like I have been in tears one too many times over her. I can't be beholden to her anymore. I have to do something before I start seriously questioning my sanity.

I know that Mum has done this to me over time, and that it is going to take a long time to overcome, but I know I can do it. If I need counselling and the ear of you lovely ladies and gents who are going through/have been through the same things.

I can't tell you how much you have helped me already.

Ok. How do I go about getting it together enough to tell my Mum I don't want her to visit 5 days after we move into our new home?

Why am I so terrified of doing this is probably the better question.

It's hard to say Ms Wizard. It's taken a long time to find the middle ground with my parents. I will never forgive my sister, but that's another story!

Dealing with the family is very painful still, but it's getting better. I see my parents about 4 times a year now, but we pretend everything's OK and normal when we get together! It can never be 'fixed' though, iyswim.

At the end of the day, they might have been toxic, but I don't think they're evil, they were confused and muddling along doing the best they could. It's that old cliche of time being a great healer. If you've just had your eureka moment it's probably going to take a while to work out what you think and how you feel.

I just ignore guilt trips and do what I want to do. The issue is how you'll feel if they get ill or die. Sorry if that sounds cold, but that's how I work out what's a 'must do' and what isn't. How guilty would you feel if you didn't see them for a year? If you're OK with seeing them twice a year, there's your answer iykwim.

I should probably add that it's easy to see very little of my folks due to Distance, Wizard.

Well. I lived overseas for 4 years and it was bliss. Only saw them 3 times in the 4 years. Now we are back I have seen them more. When we move we are still 3.5 hrs away so I can keep physical contact at a minimum anyway. Dad retires in January though, and they want to put the house on the market then and move up nearer me. Dad wants to live 30 minutes ish away and Mum 2 doors down. My Nan is moving with them and is also trying to persuade Mum that it would be a very very bad idea to live that close.

Would I feel guilty? Initially maybe. In the long term I think I would find peace with it very quickly like I did when overseas.

Why does she want to move that close?

She says so she can see the GC's

What do you think about this Wizard? Obviously your not too happy, but could you just be really blunt? I know it would be awful at the time, but it would save your sanity in the long run. Sometimes we have to look out for our own interests and bugger evryone else. I've always found that if I get up the courage, it's a very rewarding and liberating experience one the initial guilt has worn off!

Do your DCs get on with your mum? Would it be a major disruption if your mum didn't talk to you for a while. Assuming that's how she would handle things if you were blunt about it.

I am struggling a bit today, still feeling guilty about feeling so ok with having not contacted my mum, but also starting to doubt myself. Is it me?

I have not spoken to or seen my mil for 15 months now after she just stopped talking to me when I arranged a contact visit with us for dsd, without inviting her too. Maybe it's me that is the toxic one?

Mil contacted dh while we were separated (to offer him money to help him divorce me!) and he is still in contact with her, which I am ok with, and he has said he is happy for me to do whatever I choose about whether I resume contact or not.

I don't want to be in contact with her at the moment, I find it impossible to forgive her for a letter she sent to my mum just before Christmas last year, in which she said she would always love and be there for dh, dd2 and DS, but said nothing about dd1 (dh's dsd), she wanted to totally exclude her she also said she felt bad about not sending the doc's any Christmas gifts bit didn't want to cause dh any more trouble ...this isn't right is it? Feel so much doubt in myself at the moment.

Hi everyone..I haven't been on the thread for a very long time. But I am back as feeling a bit lost.
I was out with a friend yesterday and she recieved a text from her mother for some shopping...I have been nc now with my family for 2 years (just over). My husband is in Afghanistan and as you can imagine I am very 'alone' in life at the moment.
Friend has never really asked why I have no contact with my parents but she knows it is sensitive. So after getting the text she says..."Now are you glad you don't have a mother near you? You have to get their shopping...you don't know how lucky you are"! whilst laughing.

Supposed to be a joke but ffs. It did hurt me. I had a cry for the first time in months the other night. I really just wanted to go home and see my parents (although I was abused). It is so wrong to want to go back..but I just for one night wanted a mum. Someone to make me some dinner and do my washing - you know someone to look after me. Instead i have my two children on my own for the next 4 months with no close friends am posted far far away from anyone or anything I know.

I am fine for months on end and then the enormity of CHOOSING (for the best) to never see my mum and step dad again kicks in and I wonder what they are doing now...
My mum is getting older. One day I will get the news she has dies. And then what will I do....?

Hi FW

re your comment regarding your mother wanting to move closer to you obtensibly to see the grandchildren:-

"She says so she can see the GC's "

Yeah right. More like moving closer in order to further control you instead; you likely recognise this. This type of person would not be above using your children to get back at you either.

Incog

Feelings of doubt are common in such circumstances; not unusual at all.

BTW its not you at fault, its them.

Your MIL sounds like a right old bitch; I would not want to have anything to do with her currently if at all now. You are all part of the same package and if your MIL cannot accept a child who has done nothing wrong with regards to her, then it is her bloody loss.

I think I am right in recalling that you're waiting re counselling; in this respect may I suggest you contact BACP. They are good and do not charge the earth.

(((((((((((((((((youcanringmybell)))))))))))))))

This text that your friend received triggered all sorts of stuff hasn't it?.

What did you reply when she made those remarks?. How did you respond?.

Your friend's remarks were crass at the very least but I don't think she deliberately meant to hurt you, she was being thoughtless but reacted almost immediately to some request her mother had made. I would hope to think she would be very upset subsequently to think she had caused you such anguish.

Can SSAFA I wonder be of any assistance to you here with regards to being socially isolated; it may well be worth contacting them.

Your mother and stepfather utterly failed you as parents; you owe them nothing really. Have you ever spoken to a counsellor regarding your relationship with them?. I would state it is not your fault you were abused, you did not cause them to act in such a manner. Their own birth families wrought that particular damage on them.

You may also want to look at the links at the beginning of this thread if you have not already done so.

You're not wrong Attila . My husband and I are going to sit down together with them and tell them that we don't want them moving up next time we see them. He wanted to take it out of my hands, but I said it needs to be me that says it really but that he can be there if he so wishes. He is incandescent with them at the moment.

Youcanringmybell I am a forces wife also. Have you also thought of trying Home Start? They can be really really helpful.