"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

[singingprincess]

There is a word document with all the relevant links which I will try and find, but in the meantime...Post away.

Funbag Sorry forgot to answer you. I think my husband and I are going to broach this together with them. This does two things 1. Makes sure they get the picture and 2. Will stop Mum trying to force her way. She will go away and go incommunicado for quite a long time (maybe a year or so knowing her) but once I have learned to deal with the guilt trip it will be fine, peaceful in fact.

I am feeling quite positive about it right now. I think having the support of my husband helps, especially as he now see's Mum for what she is.

Hello - marking my place...

Attila Fw - Thank you. I think that I am personally isolated because I choose to be. Like so many of you on here I think I am right in saying...we like our own space? I have 'friends' but I choose not to get close and less than 3 people know vague details of what happened. No one like to hear it do they?

I responded in a very fake way in that I tried to laugh it off and agreed with her. But again, like so many of us that didn't have a mother that protected us or indeed USED us - we feel grief for a mum we never had.

Although I hated my parents....I still miss them. I hate the fact that I think about them everyday. I dream about them most nights - mainly that I tell my mother aboutwho my step dad really is and she doesn't believe me. I dream that dream 3 or 4 nights a week and have done since I was 12.

Does anyone else miss their good for nothing parents??

Thank you for the hugs....

FW I know what it is like to have the conrolling mother. In fact they moved with me to my and first husband's posting!!! I honestly felt I would never ever be free - a prisoner for life.

I do not know your story. Going No Contact is so very hard. But it saved my life.

Husband's FIRST posting....
not first husband's posting.....(only married the once!)

Still trying to work out whether to cut contact completely or cut down altogether at the moment tbh Youcan . Once I have read the book Attila has suggested I might have a better idea.

Luckily my husband is back and forth every weekend at the moment (he was supposed to go to Kenya for pre-deployment training but is now on a teaching a course elsewhere) and as I have now really opened up about my relationship with my parents (and GM) he has been really supportive.

Next step for me is telling my parents I don't want them to visit for 2 days instead of 1 a few days after we move into our own home and then sitting down and telling them I don't want them moving to live near me.

God FW I wish I had had the strength you have! I never told them to not move near me. They could tell I wasn't happy but I never felt I could stand up to them.
I wish you the best in staying emotionally strong and confident so you can stand your ground and they cannot hold power over you. I know how hard it can be...
I hope this book has a few more answers for you x

Ha, my post makes it sound as though I am confident about it. I really am not in the slightest. The tough part will be when my husband returns to his teaching the other side of the country and my parents start ringing and controlling. Very very hard.

I would imagine you are completely fraught with worry over it all FW. It is by no means an easy decision either way.

How are you feeling about it today?

FW it will be worth the angst and worry though, once they have been told hopefully they will listen and you will be able to relax. As for the phoning whilst DH is away, it is not compulsory to answer the phone to them (or anyone) especially if you think they will start trying to overstep boundaries again.

Youcan they moved with you to your Dh's first posting? Wow, how did you deal with that? Are you away from them now?

Youcan sorry I completely missed your previous post it must be hard, but you know that your decision to go NC has been well thought out, you need to do what is best for your family now.

I sympathise as I am currently considering trying to maintain the current NC with my Mum, but it is so hard, I just wish we could have a normal mother/daughter relationship, but think I am finally coming to terms with the fact that that will never be the case

Incog - thanks for replying.

They moved to a house half an hour away - they wanted to continue to have control over me. Our relationship turned so sour, I could stomach being near them, having my step-dad come over and them pretend everything was ok. It got to the point where I knew once my daughter got older he would look at her differently. They moved back home when I barely had regular contact. My mother said I was ungrateful and didn't visit her enough etc and left back for home in a sulk.

Her terrible narc personality amplified when I decided to marry and move house. She blamed me for her depression and 'leaving her' etc

I had to go NC for the safety of my daughter and to get my dc's away from their warped views, racism, homophobia etc

But having left...I no longer have a family. I tried to tell my brother about what happened. He said he didn't want to take sides and what I was saying was a very serious allegation. He has not contacted me since. My family have nothing to do with me because they only hear my parents side.

I am outcast and they share birthdays, christmases, summer bbq's. I have no family now. I cannot tell them - they would never believe me. My mother got so vindictive and vile to me because she could se my dad 'liked me more'...makes me feels sick.

Oh wow - having just written the above post I went on my old FB messages to see when I last messaged my brother and saw that it is TWO YEARS TODAY that my mother received the letter telling them I no longer wanted contact.

It is like my sub-conscience knew and that is why all the intrusive thought, guilt and upset are coming back....

Youcan I can understand why you needed to cut contact, protection of my children is top of my list of reasons atm. It must be hard to have lost all of your wider family through no fault of your own though do any other members of your family see through your Mum and SD's behaviours? I wonder if they side with them for an easy life, or whether it is just that they don't see it.

I'm so sorry about your brother too, that must have been hard my brother doesn't seem to really 'get' my problem with my Mum either, he seems to just be able to accept that that is just how she is and lets all the nastiness roll over him without it affecting him. This is great for him, but makes me feel bad and like maybe I'm overreacting.

X post, that would make sense youcan, the mind is a very complex thing. And sorry it's your Mum and Dad not SD.

Incog - sorry it is my step dad but I say dad sometimes..slip of the tongue. We were severly reprimanded if we didn't call him dad. We were told one day 'this man has decided to take you all on..it is only right you now call him dad'.

My brother do not know half of the emotional blackmail from my mother and obviously do not want to know about any abuse from my step father. Like your brother, they stay out of it and let it go over them. That is because they haven't had the worst no doubt.

Sometimes I want to scream from the rooftops the things they did to me. But I never do it. Why do you think that is Incog? I mean why do we never untterly confron them with all the gruesome details...

I suppose because they would deny it ever happened.

Of course they will deny it, that's what they do best. When put in a position where it can no longer be denied, they try to justify it.

Everything is never their doing - it is always someone else's fault.

That is so true, I have tried several times over the years to confront my mum, and all I have ever had in response is 'you remember things wrong/that didn't happen/ you were a terrible child/teenager etc it's so frustrating, I think to myself if I just had some recognition of how it affected me and had my feelings about how she treated me validated, I could move past it and we may even be able to attempt a normal relationship....but no, it is always denied or rationalised away as being my fault, well, I'm sorry, but I was a child how can it be my fault?

Oh god, I too was the terrible teenager. I wasn't particularly, but I did have ADHD and Aspergers. Mother didn't think that something was different though, just difficult. Luckily I had fabulous grandparents who fully understood what Mother was like and did their best to protect me when they could.
However, even if I had been a terrible teenager, so what? As the adult in the relationship the parent should be trying to work out what is going on with the teenager and resolving the issues, not blaming the child, because as a teen you are still a child, for the issues. It's lazy selfish parenting, something my mother excelled at.

Hi Incog,

This is taken from the link to "Toxic Parents" at the start of this thread:-

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

(I post on here because both my ILs are dysfunctional and my parents are basically not bothered either as parents or grandparents now as they feel that they have done their bit. I was seen as being more "capable" and thus was trusted, well more like left, to get on with it from around the age of 15 or so and this is still the case. It took me many years however, to work that out because you do not see it clearly at the time. My childfree single brother has remained favoured throughout. All he has to do is say to them jump and they say how high?. They have all between them taught me abject lessons in how not to behave as a human being).

Back here again after a fair absence. I can deal with my mum now.

Attila What you've posted above, is being said to me by my son, not my parents. My son is very adept at blaming everyone else and not taking any responsibility for his actions. He's 15, by the way. Sometimes, it feels like I'm getting it from all sides....

I am going to put the answermachine on 2 rings pick up when Mr FW goes away and then I will never be able to get to the phone before people start speaking.

Accidentally broke my mobile today, so I have had to change it. Shame that I also happen to have a new number.

Nice idea FW - keeping the telephone for YOUR benefit not theirs

hi to everyone.

I am new to this thread but i hope i can help anyone who is battling toxic parents!!

I have also been battling toxic parents. Lately i have lost my temper with my mother about my childhood which she says never happened in that way.
When i was younger i have suffered from verbal, mental, physical and sexual abuse.
The sexual abuse by my grandfather was when i was 3 years old. I went and told my mum and she stopped me from going to see my grandparents. When i was 7 years old my mum decided it would be ok for my brother and me to go to stay with my grandparents while she went to work all day!!!! The abuse started up again and after a number of weeks mum stopped me from going there once again. 3 years later i told my friend, she told her mother and her mum reported my abuse to the school who then got me some psychological help. When i confronted my mother it only happened the once when i was 7 years old and never when i was 3 years old!

I have also been beaten by my father and had my head and face split open to the bone. This all because i was a bad teenager and use to wind my dad up! I have cut my wrists and took about 4 overdoses when i lived at home too. I have been in foster care.
It is my sole fault my mother is unwell with depression as i use to run away and was off the rails as i was a bad child. This has made my mum so ill. This has been a key factor in keeping me in control all these years.
I was never cuddled, told i was loved or felt wanted by my parents. The older i got the more in the way i got. I was often with left with my Nan who mentally abused my mother when she was younger and my alcoholic uncle who would beat my brother and would abuse animal in front of us. I could go on about this kind of stuff all day long and i have only scratched the surface.

I lost my temper with my mother about 6 months ago and told my mother exactly what i thought of my childhood and her narissistic behaviour and she didnt like it one bit. She blamed me for everything saying i was a bad kid and its all my fault my brother was an alcholic as they spent so much time on me when i ran away that he is now an alcoholic all because of me and my behaviour. Everything is always my fault and i was the bad black sheep. I said what i had to say and left. We no longer speak.

I decided i would do a little digging into my past. I could never understand why we had a social worker when we were younger as i had always been told what a wonderful home i had and i believed it was me all along.
I got copies of my social services file and my psychological file from when i was abused. When i read the file the school had called in the child protection officer on my parents 3 times as they suspected i was being abused!!! There was a report in the file and my mother had admitted there had been incident of abuse!!! I was shocked as it revelled allsorts of shocking things.

Then my psychological files i went to see and got a copy of. I had been sexually abused when i was 3 years old and when i was 7 years old. My mother admitted she had stopped me from going to there house when i was 3 yrs old but decided it was okay for me to stay with my grandparents again when i was 7 years old on the condition i stayed with my grandmother??? But my grandfather was at the house. Alarm bells???? She had admitted she had called the samaritans as i was constantly crying and she couldnt help me!!! 3 years later i got help when my friends mother called the school. My mum didnt even report my grandfather to the police. This is my mum who said i got it wrong it only happened the once! It was in her report!!!!! Gggrrrrrrrr

I am far from fixed and have a long way to go. I am happily married with 3 lovely children who are all doing extremely well at school and are happy, i own my own home, i do voluntary work for charity and i have many friends. I sadly have fibromyalgia. My therapists thinks its brought on by my childhood.

My advice to anyone suffering from toxic parents is your parent wont change and it will hurt to admit it. You have to grieve like they have died and it does get better. You have to be ready to let go though. Always believe in yourself and your memories, not what others tell you. Dont doubt or question yourself. Dont let people control you with threats of being ill. Definetly go and look at any files that might be on you as a child as for me it held the key and it could be an eye opener for you. I thought i was going insane thinking all these bad things, but it was the truth and i should of believed in myself.....