Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

Sorry Lueji crossed post. Thanks to you too. I will do that. He is trying to scare me into not reporting him isnt he?

Hi Spring..:-)

I posted earlier on your thread because I had a very similar experience to you. struwelpeter is spot on. I could instruct a solicitor to send a letter saying the sky is red with purple spots - they would take my money and send the letter. The truth -unfortunately- doesn't appear to factor with some of them. I trust you are happy with your solicitor and they will respond to your ex's nonsense appropriately.

In my case, the bail conditions on my ex ended the moment he was sentenced (3 months suspended for 18 months). The bail conditions were immediately replaced with a restraining order. The domestic abuse team who dealt with my case arranged that, I didn't have to do anything else.

I think (based on my experience, I cannot be certain) that the bail conditions on your ex would have been lifted as soon as he was convicted. For your own piece of mind, check the terms of the conditional discharge. This should contain very similar restrictions to the bail conditions. If it doesn't, talk to Women's Aid about applying for a non-molestation order (which covers unwanted contact).

I still jump at my own shadow and loud noises over a year since my ex's conviction. I do see tiny improvements in my confidence though. I figure that it look him over 12 years to get me in this state, so my recovery may take some time. I've learned to accept that and have put no pressure on myself to 'get over it' quickly.

Take care.....:-)

I have tried to find out the terms of the conditional discharge. Both the arresting officer and the officer who came to see me recently have tried and failed. Madness. How can they protect you when the courts dont give them information?. I have emailed to the arresting officer again including this solicitors letter. She is lovely and really seems to try her best to help. Sadly she is doing a different role now. The above two officers are different forces too. I live on the very borders of two and the messing about with who deals with it has been crazy. They have different policies as well.

My solicitor said that I would possibly have to go to court for a non molestation order. He would fight it. I am not sure I could go through that again. Not with the financial stuff and all. She is great and I am very happy with her approach. She actually cares about how much it is costing me too.

Thanks Goldie . I will try not to be too hard on myself. I know it is a long haul. I considered moving to a different part of the country but it would not be fair on my DC.

You are doing so well. Whatever happened, I hope you are okay but you did exactly the right thing , you called the police, they helped you, they know what happened and he even reacted to them! How stupid is this man???!!! By sending such a letter, which as goldierocks stated, has been dictated to him, looks absolutely ridiculous and any court would laugh it out of court : I mean telling someone they are not allowed to call the police? It outs him as the evil, intimidating pathetic little man he is. But the solicitors and police will get to him, however long it takes. But in regards to you feeling unsafe, I think contacting Womens Aid is the next step - even if the line is busy, try, try again. They hopefully will be able to set you up ( or contact someone ) to put a button in your home to call the police, potentially set up cameras, everything to help you feel more secure. Is there anyone who can come and stay with you a few nights? Or where you could go and stay? To be honest, it sounds like the way he's acting eventually he is going to send himself to prison, but please be careful.

Yes, I am being very careful. I keep the doors locked all the time and have lots of great neighbours etc who look out for me. I never go anywhere without my phone either but I can honestly say that if I won the Euromillions tomorrow I would get a bodyguard.

You saying how stupid he is is great. Neither Police nor Solicitors will say that. I suppose that wouldnt be professional but it helps when someone does. It takes his power away.

I have somewhere I have to go where I do feel very vunerable and I am trying to never there alone. Thats where I feel in danger,not so much in the house although I react badly to doors banging in the wind etc.

I am going away for a week soon. It will be a massive relief, although I might have to get someone to meet me coming home, just to accompany me into the house.

I'm going to sleep easier tonight due to all this posting get it off my chest and hearing good advice. Thanks all.

Yes sorry its probably not the most professional thing to say ! But keep thinking it, the more he trys to act like he thinks he is in control, the more he creates a path of destruction for himself. But keep posting here if it makes it easier - sometimes it helps clear the head and focus on the objectives.
However concerning this place you need to go....is there any alternatives? People coming to you, online delivery, getting someone to go in your place? By the sound of it, this is somewhere you are extremely uncomfortable . Could this be rectified / moved? Probably not helpful, but not knowing the place and not wanting you to out yourself could there be other options?

A £300 order for costs and a conditional discharge for 18 months handed down by a Magistrates Court for assaulting you? When it came to mitigation the twunt got exceedingly lucky. Clearly he had a good brief.

On a point of clarification; on the day that he appeared in Court he surrendered to bail and as the case was heard in full on that day, he is no longer subject to any bail conditions.

His conditional discharge applies for 18 months from the date of the verdict. Although found guilty he has effectively not been sentenced. If he should re-offend and is found guilty of a further offence/offences during a period of 18 months from the date of the verdict, on being found guilty of further offence(s), in additon to any further sentence imposed on him, he will be sentenced for his offence against you.

In short, providing he keeps his nose clean as far the police are concerned, the only penalty he's incurred for causing you injury is a £300 dent in his wallet plus his legal fees.

And no order for reparation! If it wasn't so serious it would be laughable and it's no wonder that so many victims of dv lose faith in the system.

You seem to be under the impression that he was also bound over. Are you absolutely certain of this because it isn't customary to impose a conditional discharge and a bind over as 'conditions', namely, not to re-offend on pain of harsher sentence have been been imposed.

Given the 2 incidents since his appearance in the Magistrates Court, I do not see any reason why you would not be granted a non-molestation Order in the face of any objection from him. Please be reassured that the proceedings will be unlike the trial by ordeal you have recently endured.

I would suggest you discuss this with your solicitor. Any such application should preferably be made in the Magistrates Court nearest to your home and the Order should specify power to arrest if breached.

In the unlikely event that his objections were deemed reason not to impose such an Order, it is probable that he would be required to give an undertaking to the Court not to molest you or to go within a specified distance of your person/home and this would be another means of providing a petard from which he can hang himself - as he will do, but most probably not soon enough for my liking or for your peace of mind.

Mediation of any form that requires a victim of domestic violence to be in the same room as her abuser is not recommended. Speak to you solicitor about this too - given the circumstances, it would be thoroughly unreasonable to expect you to participate in face to face mediation with him. If necessary, any such sessions can be held by way of media conferencing in your solicitor's office or other venue.

As cupcakes has said, this man is stupid but he exhibits the stupidity borne out of an inflated sense of entitlement. He is arrogant and believes he is able to evade the law and use it to gain his own ends.

Such men can be exceedingly dangerous and I would advise you to take every precaution to keep yourself safe - mobile phone on you at all times, panic button/cctv in your home etc.

At any given time this board contains numerous posts written by victims of abusive men. I am not given to being an alarmist but, at the present time, there are 2 particular posts where, from the descriptions given, I believe the OPs are at risk of serious harm from their abusers.

Without wishing to unduly alarm you, I am adding yours as a 3rd. IMO he poses a serious threat to your person and you will continue to be at risk from him until such time as he is disabused of the notion that he is above the law - and even then you'd be best advised to have concern for your safety at all times because I suspect that he is vengeful by nature.

Dear Spring,
if you are scared by having to do something regularly and you have already experienced more of his scary behaviour then you should go for a non-molestation/prohibitive steps order. It can be a bit like bail conditions i.e. he is not allowed to go within x of you, your home, work, whatever. Honestly get it as it will show any responsible solicitor that you have reason not to negotiate with him over divorce face-to-face.
TBH some people take a couple of years to thrash out the details so unless you have need for things to be sorted, you can slow that aspect of dealing with ex.
Is there a WA local to you? The feelings you are having i.e. jumping at stuff, nervousness are normal symptoms of any traumatic experience. I inwardly flinch whenever I hear a man shouting or verbally pushing a woman around and it's been more than a year for me.
Do talk to Respect but they are only open 9-5 week days. And do go to the GPs if things are getting on top of you. Think of what has happened as a slo-mo car crash, even if you received no visible physical injuries you are processing it internally. I couldn't have survived without ADs but also yoga, counselling etc.
You are doing very, very well. It can only get better.

izzyizin , what amazing advice :)

izzy I know you are right. I too feel properly in danger. I would have no doubt that he would lose total control if he were to get me on my own. I told my solicitor this and she said I must mention this too the Police.He might have only got the conditional discharge etc but the thing which will sit with him forever is that he lost and I won and that I know is what is fuelling his anger. Well that and OW who is a complete nutter and I feel in as much danger from her as him.

I am going away very soon for a little over a week and therefore I am going to speak to Womens Aid but not do anything about the Non Molestation Order until I get back just because I wont actually be here to do anything about it. I am not particularly comfortable to leave my house empty but I have a lot of great neighbours keeping their eyes open

Disappointingly I have not heard anything back in response to my email to the Police regarding conditional discharge conditions etc. I might trying ringing later.

The Home Office website defines a Conditional Discharge as "A discharge of a convicted defendant without sentence on condition that he/she does not re-offend within a specified period of time."

I have no legal training, but I read that as meaning that the only condition in place is that he doesn't commit (and, I presume, get convicted of) another offence in the next 18 months. I don't think any other conditions are attached.

Could you post in Legal, Spring, to ask whether this is the case? Given that you've had no response to your email, it might give you some clarification.

Do you know Patty I could do that but I feel very let down that the Police have not got back to me on it when two different officers from two different forces said they would look into it for me. I think it is looking increasingly likely that the discharge does not have conditions attached. I do have a letter (which hadnt arrived when I saw the police last) from the CPS which makes no mention of conditions so I fear that means there arent any. Still, Izzy thinks I would get a non molestation order. I am going to go for that when I get back.

I really wish I could give you all more details as to what it is that I have this huge problem with in regards to possible contact with Ex. But without telling you, I can say that if I were to stop going where I go I would be much safer. However it would mean me giving up something I love, and it would also cause a huge delay in financial settlement as he would then hold all the cards in relation to an asset that at the moment I hold all the cards to. I have gone over it all a million times in my head. I still havent made a decision. I will have to do it whilst away I think. I have a good friend who really understands the issues to talk it over with then. I cant even go by instinct - it seems to be deserting me. I am never this indecisive either normally.

What do people around you say? The people that do know you, and your situation properly. Are they telling you to give it up? Or continue? Only you can be the judge of this - but I think you may need to face the fact that though you are going away, the possibility of going into a refuge may have to be an option in the long run unless you can avoid it. Is there anyone who would live in your house when your away??? At least this could give you peace of mind.
I am not sure about this - but I have seen it written before - could a solicitor possibly write a complaints letter to the chief officer at the station stating you have had no response, and though they have attended the situation nothing has been done? I have no knowledge of this, but I think someone else will come a long with better advice.

How much can you rely on other people to be with you at sensitive times or places?

Could you for example arrange with a neighbour to be out when you get home? Or phone someone to say you are alright, so that they phone the police if you don't contact them when expected?

However, I would urge you to let go of the fear as much as possible.
Something bad could happen at the ends of a mugger for example.
Do be careful as you would be in general.

Do you think he would be capable of killing you?
Because if he is to assault you again, it would be an offense and he would then go to jail.

I have 3 people who I can call when I am going to be in the vulnerable situation who can be with me very quickly and just really support me on the phone. I also say to DS exactly how long I am going to be and to call me if I dont return when I say I will. If DS is not here I always call someone or text and just say I am going and then that I am home safe.

I could be melodramatic but I dont want to chance it and my instinct tells be to be on red alert and take the above measures.

It seems people around me are as confused and horrified as I am. We all thought it would be over and everyone could move on after the trial. They thought he would stay away and protect himself.

Interestingly one or two friends have said look at it from his point of view. He got charged, and the minute he had a tantrum and stepped over the line to show you he is still in control of you. you called the police again and they helped you to return his property. He didnt like this show of strength and what has been his only possible retort? To send a ridiculous solicitors letter. He knows I will call the police now so he will keep away and not risk this. I hope they are right and it is certainly an alternative way of looking at the situation.

I think they may well be right.

As for my ex. Despite his threats, etc. I suspect he is scared of coming around here, as I suspect he has been notified at some point for questioning.

Truth is he hasn't been around here in 8 months and that included DS's baptism and birthday (which, normally, I would think he would want to attend).

Still, be careful, as you never know.

That must be a relief Lueji. I will be careful.

Having this thread is so helpful to me. I really appreciate ever single post. It helps me to clarify my thoughts. I can also see how my confidence fluctuates from day to day or actually hour to hour. Reading it all back occasionally shows me how far I have come too.

I've finally got a date for the first financial court appointment which is soon. The abusive Twunt still hasnt exchanged his Form E so it is going to be a complete waste of time and money for me if we dont get this very soon. The finances are complex, he has ample opportunity to hide money and my solicitor and I need time to go through it.

I know I am on the last leg and it will be sorted but cant believe I am going to have to sit in a financial court room with him after all I have been through. Has anyone got any tips as to how I might deal with this?

I've just got back from a lovely holiday; I would dearly have loved to have stayed away for ever. Things got very bad for me just before I left and the Dr put me on some medication for my anxiety. It knocked me flat and I decided not to take it and manage till my holiday. Whilst I was away I just felt like a normal person again, sleeping and eating and no anxiety at all.

Hi
Welcome back. It's good that you managed to recharge batteries.

A friend of mine says that during her divorce she chose to be happy rather than right.
Unless you need it for your survival, don't bother too much with the finances.
You are free of him and that's the most important.

Have you tried breathing exercises? They should help with the anxiety.

In any case, if he gets one over you it may give him enough satisfaction to back off. Maybe consider this?

PS- the police rang the other day, asking about ex's whereabouts at it seems that they had a warrant for him. :o If that keeps him away, great.

I can't give you any advice but I just wanted to hold your hand for a minute! I hope you realise how amazing this thread is - you are inspirational x

Wow, Lueji, that's great if he keeps away. Did they tell you what he has been up to? I hope its not in relation to another woman.

I've no intention of being bullied any more by Ex and that includes finances. I feel that if I show any sign of weakness he will double his efforts rather than back off. I see anything awarded to me as ultimately my DCs inheritance but I doubt they will ever see anything from him once OW has got him well and truely hooked by getting herself pregnant.

Mushroom, thank you. I love a hand hold . I feel a bit bleak at the moment at the thought of this financial battle so commnets like that really help. I've been waiting for it to start since last October. Now it is, its very daunting. I've become almost comfortable in my little bubble and yet up to this point I have been desperate to sell the house and move on. I even hate the way the lawyers refer to it as the "former matrimonial home" .To sit on a sofa in the evening just watching telly in a room that Twunt has never set foot in will be freedom.

I suppose you are right.
Only it will be hard on you.
So, definitely brace yourself and reach for the zen state of mind. :)

Re. ex I think it's about the ongoing criminal process regarding me. He hasn't been around this country. But here it's all very secretive.

I've got my counsellor helping me to get through the process which is invaluable. She is doing a lot of reminding me how far I have come at the moment.

I now have learned a bit from the assault trial and I know a bit of what works for me. One simple thing is to get dressed up and put a pair of heels on. The other is to take someone really supportive with me and have someone or lots of someones to talk it over with afterwards. Oh, and I have to confess that sleeping tablets are invaluable to shut my mind up for a few nights afterwards.

Most importantly, I know to post on here.

A slight change of subject here from DV but very related and didnt want to post on AIBU and have to explain the background.

The Form E's are being exchanged tomorrow and that gives a week until the First Appointment. Obviously these have to be gone through with a fine tooth comb by my solicitor and me in a short space of time. Long story but my solicitor is a 5 hour drive from me. I have once been to see her on the train. That takes ALL day and is just do-able although completely knackering. I want to take time off either Friday or Monday to see her so that I can stay over and not put myself through a nightmare journey. She doesnt work Mondays but has offered to see me then just to help which is very kind of her.

I have a "little" job which I found after much struggle about 6 weeks ago. The job is not turning out into what was promised and I am doing something I have no experience of, which is v. hard work and for minimum wage. Although I say so myself, given the circumstances I am doing it very well. I warned my employer that I would need to take time off for legal matters related to my divorce when she offered me the job. (She knew me and it wasnt a formal interview thing at all. Infact she asked me to work for her, I had not approached her in any way). She said that was fine. Now here is the rub. She is being very awkward about things. I asked provisionally for Friday off if Form Es were exchanged. She said it was going to be very difficult. I promised to ring in today, my day off, to sort it out. When I spoke to my solicitor today she offered Monday. I have phoned my employer and said I could take Monday as an alternative. She said she would get straight back to me but she hasnt. I am really pissed off. I am tempted to just arrange to see my solicitor anyway and tell her to stick her job. What would she do if I was ill? This is my future we are talking about here - for sake of doing something that would pay me £30 quid net for the day.

I am supposed to have an "opposite number" but that has never materialised. No advert has been placed etc.

AIBU? What would you do?

Ignore the job related stuff, it's relatively trivial compared to the solicitor, your financial settlement, you moving onwards and upwards in a new house with no bad memories.

(longtime lurker coming out of lurkdom to express my amazement, admiration, and support)