Domestic violence - done the right thing but now what?

[springaroundthecorner]

Name change.

My stbx has been charged with common assault against me. The police offered him a caution but he refused it so now he has to go to court for a hearing in which the police believe he will plead not guilty and after that it will go to a trial. They obviously think they have enough evidence to prosecute but I am very frightened of the prospect of going to court. Not only that but I just dont want it hanging over me.

I dont seem to be able to find much help, information or support. It seems that most men accept the caution but not the arrogant man I married. I have done what everyone says is right - reported it, brought it out into the open, taken police advice and made a statement. Now feel like I have been thrown to the wolves. The divorce is bad enough without this. His anger at my actions in reporting this is making everything worse. I want to be rid of the man. I dont want ever to see him or have anything to do with him again and now I am stuck in this mire. The Domestic Violence Support are useless. The police arent interested until the hearing has taken place. After that if there is a not guilty plea it could take 6 months before a trial. I will then have some kind of contact from Witness Support. I even phoned the Samaritans and got more help than the people who are supposed to be helping me.

Let me say I dont regret it. But only from the point of view that I have stopped any further incidents. He stays well away from me now and for that I am grateful. One of the reasons I reported it was I thought my life could be in danger the next time. There would have been a next time because he really crossed the line. I dont particularly want him to be prosecuted because I cant see what good that would do, especially reading about the relate course on other threads but I am not going to try and back out.

Is there anyone who has experience of this going to court?

Spring, I see a lot of this sort of thing at work and have this to say to you. Firstly, well done and congratulations, really well done in fact. You are very brave and you stood up for yourself and went through all that, well done.

But really I want to reflect o how bad the legal system is, when it does things like this, and puts victims on trial, and intelligent people have as their day job a job where they cause such distress to victims, and make nasty cracks and remarks, and they call that their career. I think it is wrong. So doubly well done to you for going through with it all.

I would also encourage you to take some time off work if at all possible, or if not, then take it one day at a time, and congratulate yourself at the end of each day. Clear the decks at home, easy food, minimal stress, just doing whatever it is you want to do. It is normal, after such an intense experience to feel the way you do. Have you got anybody to chat to about how you feel, when you feel like chatting? I think you should post on here when you are moved to as well, just while you feel like talking and airing it, it will pass when it is ready xxx

Oh, Something you have had me in tears at your kind words. Thank you for the support. I am having a very bad day. I had no idea it was going to hit me like a bus like this.

I totally agree about the legal system and I was lead to understand that in DV cases the defence barristers are instructed not to make these remarks to the witness. Clearly not. I stood up to them very well and made her look stupid even for asking but really you shouldnt be traumatised to this extent by the event should you?

My problem with work is that it is a brand new job in a brand new small business. It has taken me months to find something and whilst it is not ideal it is a job and I need the money, pittance that it is. I am sitting here considering whether to ring and say I wont be in tomorrow. Any suggestions? I know I could go and see my very nice GP but I dont think it would give me any kind of employment protection? They are looking for another "me" and so far havent found one so in that sense I dont think I would get sacked for a day or two off sick even though it would be very incovenient for them. Any thoughts?

You don't think you'll feel better at work rather than staying at home going over the same thoughts?

Make the effort to go out and you may well feel better.

As for the rumours, it's only that and you know the truth.
It's not surprising he is lying.

You can do it.

I will go in tomorrow and see how it goes. I have my counselling after work on Thursday, so maybe I will look no further than getting to that. I had to pop out just now , walked into the kitchen and threw my car key into the bin. That's the state I'm in.

Lueji, he has been constantly lying for 4 years now so I suppose its not surprising. It must be a terrible mental strain to lie so much. Perhaps you dont actually know the truth any more ? One day I predict it will hit him and he will have a breakdown.

It's something I'd easily do, TBH.

Don't beat yourself up.

Do you know or practice any relaxation techniques?

Or do a bit of dancing or cardio. It should push your mood up.

I normally swim a lot and what with everything I just havent made it or wanted to and if I am honest I would just love to stay in bed for a week. I feel like a wounded animal.

I really appreciate the support. I dont want to talk about it in RL this evening; I'm all talked out.

I've been awake since 2am and now off to work.

Good for you for going into work. You've been through a lot, so be gentle on yourself, but I don't think going sick is going to do you any favours in the long-term. It's allowing this experience (which STBX engineered) to impact on your new life.

It's completely normal to relive harrowing experiences, and the court experience was clearly a challenge - and you need to remind yourself that you performed really well. (I had a car-crash of a promotion interview which I went over and over in my head for months afterwards!)

You have done the hard bit, so hang in there. You are seeing your counsellor tomorrow pm? Not long to go.

How was your day?

It was right to go to work. Thanks for that. I got through it on adrenalin then came out quite calm.

Unfortunately I got home and had a panic attack. couldnt breathe etc. My heart is still racing now even though I managed a sleep. I tried to get a Drs appointment but cant get one with a Dr who knows me till next week. A friend came round who went through similar shite years ago and seeing to her made me calmer. She gave me some practical suggestions too about how I could make myself feel safer.

I feel the worst Mum ever. My DS is 16 and now at home after finishing his exams. I dont want to go back to all this crying again and let him see me in this state when our lives had moved on for the better. God knows how this is going pan out for him in the future. He is the gentlest kindest person and not a bone in his body like his father. He doesnt deserve this and I feel I am letting him down.

What works for me is to have a practical strategy in place.
But still it is very stressing when he has been around.
I'm not sure how I'd cope if he was in this country.

These men are bullies, please do not let him get to you.
Although if he thinks you are scared he may well not bother trying to frighten you anymore.

I hope counselling tomorrow is useful.

There is no way he can have any idea I am scared. Apart from at the weekend when I was accompanied by the police he hasnt seen or spoken to me in 6 mths. It was so bloody luck I was upstairs when he started his antics. Not that he hasnt tried. I have ignored his email bleating too.

Going straight from work to counselling and DS out all day tomorrow so I hope to come home revived. Will let you know how it goes.

So glad to hear your doing well. Have you thought about writing in a diary each date and time when he tries to do something - however small it may be. That way, you know if something ever did happen again, you have it all written down and hopefully the police and law courts will be able to act upon it.
And btw you are not the worse mum ever. You are the best mum ever for getting out of that situation, not allowing your son to listen and watch to his mother suffer, be distressed, and that he can come home and relax knowing home is a safe place to be and that his home life is happy. Your ex messed up - not you!

Thanks for saying that about me as a Mum. I've been a better one today.

Counselling was brilliant. Brilliant to the extent that I have been on a longish car journey with DS and his friend and have been able to laugh and joke, enjoy the countryside views and the music on the stereo. Last night I thought I would never feel like than again.

If I could sum it up, she gives me permission to feel the way I do. I've been going for a year now and we can refer back to times that seem now in the distant past and see how far I have come in the process. Interestingly she also said that because in the last years of our marriage he had been incredibly controlling and I allowed that the keep the peace he may have forgotten the person that I am and has therefore underestimated my strength to cope with all this.

I found out today that the first financial hearing should be within a month or so. How can I possibly sit in a room with this scumbag and sort out finances so soon after the trial? I obviously want it to go ahead as soon as possible to get every connection severed but it just seems too much to bear. Screens one minute, up close and personal the next.

After not hearing a thing back (its all supposed to be solicitor to solicitor) and him refusing to do anything about the financial stuff he is now running round contacting estate agents etc entirely off his own back. I suppose its all about control? The agent tells me he has signed all the necessary paper work for the house sale. It can happen when I am good and ready and now is not that time.

So so sick to death of it all. Tips on how to deal with this so soon after the trial would be appreciated.

Oh Spring I'm so sorry the financial stuff is happening so soon. I have no great advice I'm afraid, just a listening ear... Keep venting here.

I think you'll just need to take it one day at a time, and not demand of yourself that you be on top of things, I think anyone in your position would struggle to cope, and that's normal and acceptable. You shouldn't try to be Superwoman.

You've come so far and achieved so much, you will get through this too and then you can move forward with your head held high.

Big hugs xx

Have you spoken to your solicitor over this? Surely if there was extreme abuse in a marriage , especially where police were involved the last thing you should be put through is your abusive ex sitting there telling you what your financial situation should be? It doesn't sound right....before getting upset, I would see what not only your solicitor should say, but maybe give WA a ring and ask them their advice on the subject, as you will not be the only person to be put through this. Don't worry about the house right now - focus on yourself, maybe take up a class, swimming, zumba, pillates ( sounds really weird, but a distraction and something to focus on will help you and give you some well deserved enjoyment! ) , keep going to counselling, and remember on really really bad days you can post here til you hearts content! You will be fine :)

Well, could this get any worse?

Without going into the ins and outs which would definitely out me should anyone read this who knows me........I have since had to speak to the Police about my ex. He was intimidating towards me (dont want to say what but is scared me very much, although it wouldnt much to anyone else ifyswim). I rang the Police to try and clarify what the conditions of the Conditional Discharge were. I explained why I was moved to ring and they regarded it as big enough to come out the next day, discuss it with me and logged the incident. They also very kindly accompanied me - their suggestion - to somewhere I could encounter Ex. (Sorry cant tell you this bit but had to be done and it was actually there suggestion). I did encounter him and spoke a sentence to him. I was terrified as hadnt seen him for 6 months. He argued!! with Police for ages whilst I sat in Police car safely out of the way. The Police told me what had been said. He said what a good job he had escorted me afterwards as Ex v angry. Ow also there, adding her vile.

So.....fast forward to today. My solicitor has received a letter from his solicitor saying amongst other things and I quote "We are instructed on behalf of my client that this obstructive and inappropriate behaviour is not acceptable" and that "the case was effectively concluded" and that "all previous bail conditions have been removed" WTF!!!!!! So basically he is denying the fact that he is on a conditional discharge is he, and I am not allowed to call the police if he intimidates me whilst on conditional discharge. I cannot fucking believe that a solicitor is even allowed to write this shite!! My nearly ex has been convicted of assaulting me but we are all going to ignore that and disrespect her, and walk all over her. This solicitor and this Ex I have to face over a financial hearing 3xs no doubt because there is not way he is going to settle! My solicitor is going to write a stifff letter and tell them the facts. I have sent the solicitors letter to the Police and I am going to speak to Womens Aid when I get through.

I feel very alone with this tonight. I want to go outside and mow my lawn but I dont feel safe. That is crazy but this is really messing with my head.

Anyone?

Hi Spring, I can't believe the crappy stuff is still continuing

Surely his solicitor is not fully aware of the facts otherwise he would never have agreed to write such nonsense to you?

If he is not allowed to contact you for 18 months then the financial stuff needs to be dealt with entirely through solicitors.

You have done nothing wrong, please hang on to that. Karma will be round shortly to bite him on the arse.

Big (((hugs)))

Dear Spring, just caught up with your posts.
You need to speak to your solicitor asap. They can send all public documents to his solicitor who at least will know the facts.
One strange and sad thing to say is that his solicitor can advise him, but at the end of the day is paid to receive his instructions so if he instructs him/her to say "spring has a big nose, too" then they have to either take the money too or like his previous one say they are unable to represent him.
Did the police ever put you in touch with an independent domestic violence advisor (IDVA)? They may have some ideas about how to sidestep all his temper tantrums (which is what they are).
Also really valuable is talking to Respect who did perpetrators programmes as they have a really good insight into how he is behaving. Also your local women's aid, knowledge is power. And if he needs stuff or things need to be exchanged ask police if you can leave them at the local station or if they can be left at his solicitors. He is pushing your boundaries and getting angry. You are very strong, but need to be absolutely secure until he gets a grip.
Fwiw, I clutched my piece of paper listing abusive ex's convictions so that I knew it was true. (I laughed about how you were questioned about where the furniture was as my case partly relied on that).
But I can say it does, does, does get better as you regain more of yourself.

Just sending hugs.

Just keep hammering him with the police.

Ignore stupid letters from his solicitors, they are not judges.

Thank you so much for replying both of you. I have spoken to my solicitor. All the correspondence goes solicitor to solicitor so she saw it all first. She is replying with a few choice facts but in a way that says we will not be discussing this any further. As she said why spend lots of money fuelling his appetite for a row? I was considering asking her to ignore it but she said that it was important to put them straight.
Struwel I have the letter detailing his conviction in my handbag at all times.
I have never heard mention of an IDVA. I will enquire tomorrow. I am going to try Womens Aid later and will try Respect tomorrow after work. Thanks for all those tips.
I so want to move on from this. I know my life and that of my DC still at home is so much better than it was. I realise I put up with 25 years of abuse and it took me 21 to realise what was going on. I could be really happy if I wasnt getting this shit.
Married I sincerely hope the solicitor is not in full posession of the facts because if not he is a disgrace to his profession. It would all be too long to write on Legal Matters but I would love some legal opinions. It is incredibly disrespectful to send out a letter to a victim of DV like this. I have to face this shitty solicitor too in the financial courts. Can you imagine how long they are going to argue about finicky little matters? Its going to go on for years.........