Can Asperger's look like emotional abuse?

[NotThemCrows]

I posted on here last week, concerned about my DHs behaviour. I have read the Lundy book (fantastic- huge thanks to all those who pointed me in that direction) and recognised some of the stuff in there.

Last night I had a 1 to 1 session with our Relate counsellor for the first time (had about 4 sessions together and DH had one by himself 2 weeks ago) and she thinks that my DH may have Aspergers.

This does make a lot of sense to me, he is socially awkward, no empathy, no emotional awareness etc.

Could his major problem be Aspergers?

I was just wondering if any else has difficulties with an Aspergers DH that feels like EA.

Either way he still has anger issues, has demonstrated unacceptable behaviour and I have totally had enough of his bs and want a separation.

I am just trying to make sense of it all (or am I making excuses?)

Thoughts please

I am a 35 year old woman, diagnosed 2 years ago with Aspergers. I am bright, capable and to those who do not know better, would seem very 'normal' and accomplished. I hold a good full time job and am married, with my partner for 4 years. I have discovered in the past 3-4 months that much of my behaviour at home is emotionally and verbally abusive, and I have on one occasion (when the realisation hit), lashed out at my partner physically.

I had no idea (self-awareness) before now of just how far off 'normal' or 'socially acceptable' my behaviour was. I assumed that when you are at home the rules are different (sounds crazy, I know) and that that is acceptable in society. I also had no idea just how out of order my behaviour was - I grew up in a culture that condoned abusive behaviours and patterns.

In addition to this, I had no awareness of the pain I was causing my partner, not because I lack empathy, but because I couldn't recognise it as I did not have the skills to do so. I haven't really fully grasped the meaning of trust, forgiveness, compassion and other simple virtues that make up human nature. When I realised the pain I was causing with my words, it devastated me.

I grew up in an abusive environment (emotional, physical, alcohol) and so as a young girl without much social/communicative understanding, I picked up very bad habits from a young age and didn't have the emotional intelligence or awareness to know just how out of order my behaviour was.

These are not excuses - I am trying to share how the developmental and learning challenges faced by someone with even high-functioning autism - can make them very susceptible and vulnerable to picking up bad habits that become ingrained at a very young age. Changing these habits as an adult would be difficult enough for the average person with greater capabilities in social/communication areas, never mind for someone who struggles to understand the world around them and all the social customs, emotional make-up and rules that go along with it.

I am now learning to change my behaviours and thought patterns through an amazing specialist perpetrator programme, recommended by the accrediting organisation in the UK, Respect. It is like having the veil lifted from my eyes. I do not know if my partner will stay - I do not expect him to and want to see him happy. I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused to him and to others. I know now deep in my heart that I am on the road to recovery and will have genuine tools and coping strategies to build more authentic, intimate and safe, loving relationships with others in the future. That is a much better way to live for everyone.

I know this is an old one, but so much in this thread has been completely spot on for me tonight.

Married >20 yes, OH finally has bipolar 1 diagnosis. That's one thing. But in many ways harder to live with is I'm certain he is undiagnosed aspergers. But I am burnt out from repeated conversations along the lines of "you said this, it's extremely hurtful because of x and y" OH says "I thought you were upset" (this is four days after the event). I say "so why didn't you give any indication that you realised that on the day. Or the next day, or the next, or today, but yet again, as it always is, I'm having to raise it."

For my own well-being I've had to distance myself emotionally from him, which together with the everlasting trauma of him not ever taking on board everything I say in conversations like the above (Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome), has killed our marriage.

So hard to explain to people, but so emotionally devastating.

To quote someone uptrend

"It explains the sheer exhaustion I think that many of us feel. We are not able to let go of the relationship, we love the person, and know they love us, yet we never have our needs met. We are under constant and repeated stress and we know they can't help themselves, it's just the way they are and they don't mean to hurt us."

I can't tell you how helpful it is to have your experience articulated by someone.

The counselor didn’t diagnose him. She suggested that he might have this diagnosis. That isn’t unprofessional. She’s trying to provide context. People on ASD are diverse, just like NT people, they can be abusive. It may present itself differently or have different causes

The counselor may not be diagnosing him. She probably isn’t. It’s likely that she stayed that some of his symptoms were consistent with ASD. Counselors do that all the time. This is fine as long as they are clear that they can’t officially diagnose him.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT!!!

From 2012!!

“It explains the sheer exhaustion I think that many of us feel. We are not able to let go of the relationship, we love the person, and know they love us, yet we never have our needs met. We are under constant and repeated stress and we know they can't help themselves, it's just the way they are and they don't mean to hurt us."

🙌 YES THIS 😔

oops yes zombie thread