Can Asperger's look like emotional abuse?

[NotThemCrows]

I posted on here last week, concerned about my DHs behaviour. I have read the Lundy book (fantastic- huge thanks to all those who pointed me in that direction) and recognised some of the stuff in there.

Last night I had a 1 to 1 session with our Relate counsellor for the first time (had about 4 sessions together and DH had one by himself 2 weeks ago) and she thinks that my DH may have Aspergers.

This does make a lot of sense to me, he is socially awkward, no empathy, no emotional awareness etc.

Could his major problem be Aspergers?

I was just wondering if any else has difficulties with an Aspergers DH that feels like EA.

Either way he still has anger issues, has demonstrated unacceptable behaviour and I have totally had enough of his bs and want a separation.

I am just trying to make sense of it all (or am I making excuses?)

Thoughts please

OK can i ask for a bit of advice?
When we met Dh and I had a few things in common: a hobby, walking, our work (we were in the same company) and my total lack of knowledge of the UK.
Since then, said company has closed, I work in a completely different field, I don't need anymore explanation about where we live and we have more or less stopped the walking and hobby together (Dh has carried on) since the dcs were born.
DH has another hobby that I have never gone into.
So... we now have little to talk about. In a very AS mode, DH does not and can not talk about a lot else, doesn't want to talk about his hobbies (I will bore you) or his work (You don't know them) and isn't interested in what I do (again, I don't know them, not interested).
Until a few months ago, I probably kept conversation going but it was much more me talking all the time and him 'listening' (or not ...).
Now that I've stopped, having any sort of conversation going seems to be a huge effort from both parts and the evenings have become very very silent (DH doing an OU course doesn't help but at the same it is a good 'reason' for him not to do any chitchat iyswim).

So any idea on how I could reignite the conversation, find subjects that we could be talking about together?

Can you get the shared hobby back, even if you do it separately? Then it can be a talking point.

No no chance. It is very special. It involves getting wet and muddy and I am not really keen on it anymore...

Also, I have done that with him because he knew the places/people etc... but would have no idea how to get on about it on my own.

The best bet activity wise would the walking (together) but this won't lend itself to long conversation and it means finding some sort of clidcare for the dcs and solving another issue, mainly that we find walks that are at my level and not just what he would like to do, NOT an AS issue though

You might find it easier to talk about stuff when you are walking - admiring views, sharing memories perhaps? I have noticed that NCL who has AS traits never reminisces, but if I am stuck for something to talk about with DF then comparing memories often works well as a starter.

That's a good idea. I will try that. I can see how this is something he would be comfortable with.

What an interesting thread.

How's it going, peppa - or haven't you had the opportunity to try yet?

Oblomov just wondering if you have experience in any of the areas we've covered in this thread, and would like to share?

Yes I have and it has been quite efficient. A good way to re-establish a connection. Now I need to work on keeping the connection!

However, I think we will have some issues in keeping any conversation if we don't find another subject to talk about. DH was much more talkative over the week end, going back to explaining about the area, its history etc... That was nice even though I've heard that quite a few times now lol.
More work required!

I have been following a thread on the MH board with people who have or are in the process of being diagnosed. It is a real eye opener to see things through the eyes of someone with AS. And really leaves me wondering what I can do because my main issue is to feel that DH isn't happy. I would love him to be happy and smiling and feel totally at loss as to how to help him :(

Peppa
Is your dh aware of his AS?
thanks for posting this as this is another area I have become acutely aware of recently.

I have tried suggesting we watch/catch up on some of the blockbusting dramas (the Wire, Mad Men etc) (we loved the Sopranos), or try and watch films more often - they can usually open up discussions. Would this work for you? (we're having mixed results as dh doesn't like staying up late)

Which thread have you been following re the process of diagnosing? I'd like to check it out....

The thread is this one.

A really interresting read because it does explain some of DH behaviours that I could not quite comprehend.

re DH, no he has no idea. I have been wondering about pushing him to do the AQ test and take it from there but I fear that he will take it very badly ie only see the link with autism and will think I am saying he is 'stupid'.

Films... we are so not TV fanatics that we don't have a TV at home.... DH will be happy to watch Top Gear, I am happy to watch that with him but it won't lead to big discussions! It does have the nice side that during that time we can communicate though.

Thanks Peppa
My dh has no idea either - but I am 99% convinced.....also am scared to 'push' him to it/bring it up, for exactly the same reason as you. sigh

A few weeks ago I have pushed DH to go and see an acupuncturist because he was having headaches daily. The acupuncture helped but what I am coming to realize is that he is also smilling much more. He is actually talking to me instead of retreating into his silence. He is looking more relaxed.

And then suddenly the AS issues don't seem to be that much of an issue. Which makes me think that what I am struggling with is to see him miserable and unhappy.

Not sure what I can do though because it would really need to start with him 'knowing' about AS, not just me pondering to his every needs and ensuring that things are as smooth as possible for him which I do not want to do.

...

Hi Sweettooth99 - welcome aboard!

I still haven't broached the subject. I have numerous 'self help' books that dh has consistently and vehemently poo pooed over many years that I cant think of how this would work.
Our ds2 is showing some traits. As time goes on this may present opportunities - thanks for thinking of us!
Very best of luck in seeking help and support, I hope you find some and share :)

something that I think can really help in interactions in an AS/NT relationship is for the NT partner to get really good at stating what they want and why in a rational and very clear way. And not be emotionally invested in that statement getting a positive response, or at least, not right now.

But just getting good at being completely honest about how we want something to go. Because so much of our lives are run on picking up social signals and reading subtle moods, and being passive aggressive when things aren't going our way, and it is just doomed to disastrous failure when applied to a relationship in which one of the parties finds that stuff difficult to read...

Why not try to predict it? We do it the other way round (I am the flipper... but only in that I can have a tantrum, not leave the house for 3 weeks), and we know exactly what the triggers are, so we are all especially careful when those (predictable) triggers are present.

How about booking him into a Travellodge for a fortnight from 2 January next year? I mean, that would be a way of allowing him the space to recover from the horror of whatever January does to him :)

how about scheduling some catch-up weekends for you to go away with the children or him to go away alone? It can really help some people maintain an even keel if they know they'll get a complete break in 3 weeks' time.

Just found this thread which has been very useful. My H has Aspergers (not formally diagnosed) but he has completed online tests that suggest he is AS.

In one way it's a relief - I have found the 'reason' for what I have been going through but at the same time I am running on empty and no longer have hope that the relationship can survive. We have spoken about separating and I am seeing a counsellor. H will also see a counsellor who has experience of AS.

I found a site that discussed the issues for NT partners and it seemed to describe my feelings exactly.

An adult's diagnosis of Asperger syndrome often tends to follow their child's diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. This 'double whammy' can be extremely distressing to the partner who has to cope simultaneously with both diagnoses. Counselling, or joining a support group where they can talk with other people who face the same challenges, can be helpful. Some common issues for partners include:

Feeling overly responsible for their partner.
Failure to have their own needs met by the relationship.
Lack of emotional support from family members and friends who don't fully understand or appreciate the extra strains placed on a relationship by Asperger syndrome.
A sense of isolation, because the challenges of their relationship are different and not easily understood by others.
Frustration, since problems in the relationship don't seem to improve despite great efforts.

Yes it can look like emotional abuse and it can feel like emotional abuse

People with asperger's have empathy- in fact often particularly strong empathy.

What they DON'T have is 'social empathy': meaning that they just "don't get it". Unless you explain it. Have patience because there may be many questions.

If a person, with asperger's or not; DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU OR OTHER PEOPLE... THEY JUST. DON'T. CARE. period. There IS no excuse for that.

So yes, it's easy to feel like your partner with asperger's is not empathetic- but if the only problem is their social imagintion, they need you to explain things and ask if they understand etc.

If you can tell that it's not just that you feel this way, but they literally don't care about other people, it doesn't matter whether they have aspeger's or not.

Zombie thread

I am not a counselor, but I do have asperger's. I do have issues with social awkwardness and I do have some self esteem issues, but as an asperger's sufferer I can only offer advice.

In school I was severely bullied which led to me becoming socially awkward and developing anger problems. I often explode when I am falsely accused, mainly because when I was in school bullies would do bad things then blame them on me just to get me in trouble. My teacher in the special ed school didn't like me for my constant pessimism and even though she knew I was innocent since she saw the bullies do the act then blame me, she would punish me and I retaliated by disrespecting the teacher.

Besides that, I follow a very strict schedule and now that I am in college I try to engage myself in conversation. I still have issues with eye contact and I often only talk about my favorite subjects, weather and politics.

I do not like when people poke me because of touch sensitivity and I cannot stand clocks in my room due to hearing sensitivity. I had to go to therapy because my hearing sensitivity was at -20 db, when 0 is usually the minimum hearing range for humans.

The things that get me upset is when people constantly nag me, like my people constantly calling me on my phone when I am busy.

If you would like a proper diagnosis to whether to rule or rule out whether he has asperger's or not I would take him to a neurologist, or psychologist to get a proper diagnosis.

Here is a good article I found on the web that may be able to help you.

I wish I could do more. www.everydayhealth.com/autism/coping-with-a-partners-aspergers-syndrome.aspx