first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

OP, I'm a therapist and in all the years I have been seeing clients I have never known any woman to be hit just once.

Unless they leave after the first time.

I have to admit i am not blameless in this and i am not a blind victim either. After being subjected to an hour of emotional abuse from him I slapped him on the cheek to try and make him see sense and leave or go to another room. This provoked him. I could have handled it better too- I could have said 'ok if it means that much to you you do the stupid dinner' but i'm strong headed and i didn't and obviously i didn't feel that physically threatened as i slapped him.....where do i stand now?

For me that changes absolutely nothing OP. You are not to blame for his actions

oh and feels weird that he is with my parents what do i do about this if anything?

It's a sacred thing for men to not hit women I've grown up knowing this and I agree with a lot of others and the only way to stop this is to bin him I'd never hit my Missus no matter how angry I get. I am the protector of the house, the first into the line of fire, the one who puts his life on the line for his family. It's like when a dog bites, u don't trust it it's the same with people how can you trust a person when you are hit by them. It's basically bullying, picking a fight when you know you can win or not get hit back. People say things to my Missus when she's out on her own but when I go with her the same people don't even look at us. I must admit I am a 17st big guy but I like to fight for the people who can't and I try to be nice to everyone. No matter who you are, how big or small nobody deserves to be chinned for no reason. there is always a gentleman out there not many left but you should not put up with being hit especially by your partner

Oh my word. Please tell women's aid gp someone in real life what you have said here.
Your poor children.
Look, the only decision to make rights now is that he does not come back in the house for at least a month Tell him that

that gives you time free of him to talk to people and think it all thru.

That any visit with dc is supervised and outside the home.
That you seek ss help in this.

Ds is confused but he wants the old daddy the me who didn't smash up his mother. But this has happened now you cannot turn back time..

What ever the excuses is his your h problem to sort out.

If you need day to day support with the dc ask ss but tell them why tell them the truth.

Tell your h he is out of the house forgone month at least

( should be forever but maybe you cannot handle that right now so say to him and yoursel. At least one month. No visits in the hme.
Sees dc supervised it elsewhere you need to monitor their reaction.

You need some rl support you and dc.
There are zero excuses for what he did. None at all.

J4J do your parents know what happened? Who asked if he could stay there? Him? You?

It doesn't change anything J4J.
You said further up that your DS tried to hit your H to protect you. He is 6. Let him be a child. Don't bring him up thinking he hs to protect his mum from his dad.
I am surprised that your parents are alolowing him to stay with them. Can you honestly think at any time when you would be happy to give shelter to the man who hit your daughter?
If he has no friends, nowhere to stay, well that isn't your problem and it isn't your parents problem.

It's very weird that your parents are housing him. I'd be wanting to know what the fuck they were playing at - but then my parents just wouldn't do that.

Your parents are grown ups and must make their own decisions

But you need to tell them the truth too.

Tell your parents that you not having him near your house for at least one month so they realise this is long term it isn't just a few days. I am sure you can stick to one month in your mind at least...and during that time speak to therapist etc so you realise he has to go forever.

But one month please at least

Ideally he should realise he needs to take a six month let on a studio flat.

You need to play these scenarios thru with a trained counsellor so you can understand that what he did was out of order and way beyond acceptable behaviour.

And even if you believe you provoked him well even more reason for him to go as the likelihood of you "provoking " him again is very high isn't it ?

Your story looks more and more difficult as you add more detail.

So he was emotionally abusing you before he assaulted you. For an hour. Does he do that a lot btw, the emotional abuse? You said he was normally loving, but it sounds like emotional abuse isn't that unusual, since you glossed over that initially.

Then you slapped him in retaliation. (That is an assault)

Then he punched you, knocking you unconscious, in front of your children. (Another assault, this time a serious one that could have ended in death)

Then he denied it, and denied you were hurt, and pretended to your terrified children that there was nothing wrong.

Your children tried to physically defend you, and he presumably restrained them/was rough with them/shouted at them. (Probably another assault)

You tried to leave after the assault, and there was another altercation, and your H violently took your son from you, roughly enough to damage his clothing (another assault)

You are now trying to find a way to make all of this "ok" so you can stay with your H, and continue, as long as he doesn't physically hit you again.

It sounds like your home is a dangerous and frightening place for your children, where boundaries are blurred and they can't predict what will happen next.
You said this was "first-time" but it sounds like there is an atmosphere of violence in the house.

Have you ever been in therapy or counselling for the emotional abuse you get from your H? Or for anything else, for that matter? It sounds like you really need support. You children must feel safe. They cannot carry on like this.

In answer to your question, where does the slap leave you -- you should not have slapped him, he should not have hit you. One of you should have walked away a long long long time before it even descended into emotional abuse, let alone physical assaults.

However his assault is still illegal, and much much MUCH more dangerous than a slap. He could easily have killed you. He has no excuse. That you slapped him first doesn't make his assault morally acceptable.

You owe it to your children to separate if you cannot resolve your problems without resulting to psychological and/or physical violence. Again, this is not about you. Your feelings for your H need to be put on the back burner -- you children have a right to safety.

You say your husband is at all other times a kind and lovely man

And yet he subjected you to an hour of emotional abuse, pushing you to the point of slapping him

Is this a pattern ?

Has he said he nearly killed you because you slapped him ?

What did this hour of 'emotional abuse' consist of? The cold shoulder or raised voices and angry faces?

I suspect that this is not the first time that a 'messy nightmare' has erupted in your home and, if that's the case, it's not surprising you don't want a social worker to talk to your dc or allow them to draw pictures of what they have witnessed.

It is probable that your children will need therapy to come to terms with what they have experienced in their home and, to this end, I would advise to you co-operate fully with Social Services.

My primary concern is for your dc and it would be advisable if you made it yours. too.

So this lovely great guy, who it was so out of character. It wasn't was it, are you starting to at least realise this now by pointed out facts, you originally overlooked?

Your marriage has been abusive. It has escalated dangerously so. Next time he will kill you. Violence aside. I bet your kids have seen some awful stuff. This isn't a first time incident for them is it?

J4J, please do not let him in the house again. Your children need you to protect them and for you to show them that people don't do that in a relationship. Please listen to what StewieGriffinsMom is saying about gaslighting, it's where an abuser, because that is what your H is, winds someone up into a confrontation. Also look into what coercive control is.

Even if you are still unsure of what you feel like about your relationship you need to look at a non molestation order, this is a form of injunction with a power of arrest on it. You also need an Occupation Order, this will stop him being able to force you out of the house. NCDV.ORG.UK will be able to help you get these in place.

With regards the decision to give him a caution, did you provide a statement to the police or did you refuse. IF there is no previous history of violence and the aggrieved party is unwilling to support police proceedings then the CPS will decide on a caution in a lot of cases. It does mean that if anything happens again it will bump him up into forcing their hand into charging.

Stress is not an excuse, alot of us cope with stress but do not attack our partners we are supposed to love and our children we are supposed to be protecting.

Keep safe and work with the social workers

Our house is not a house of violence. Ironically i believe in non-violent communication and on many occasions have told DH not to be rough with the children when they don't do as told- he normally will grab their arm of put them over his shoulder and carry them to where he wants them to be. I have NEVER slapped him before or ever raised a finger against the children or anyone - except as a child when i gave my younger sister a nosebleed in a tent. I had homebirths as i think hospitals are brutal places for births if you are luckyenough to be able to avoid them. Yes he is emotionally abusive but often it is because we do not have the same view on something and both want the other to come round to that way of thinking. We are oposites in many ways and don't oposites attract? I phoned my dad when i was in hospital and he came straight away. He knows exactly what happened.

OP, was it this morning the social workers were coming to see you ?

You have had to tell h not to be rough with the dc.

You need to be working with trained family counsellor here

You cannot let this man back in your life or rather in the dc life

Give it a few weeks you will realise how much better calmer happier life is for you and dc

Vids serif abuse is not just violence.
The dc live in a house of constant arguments because "opposites attract" ?

No no no it isn't right

Domestic abuse I mean

Please, please, please call women's aid. Just talk it through with them - they won't tell you what to do, they won't tell you shoulds and musts but they will listen and they will help you to make sense of what has happened. Not only to you but to your children as well.

I shall post my Mr Right link again just in case you need to see what behaviour you should expect from a partner. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/mrgoodbad.php