first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

OP - all I can say is this. He thinks so little of the gravity of what he has done, that he actually thinks it's worth promoting that he helped you to the sofa after the assault on you, that knocked you unconscious.
Not that he did help you to the sofa, but do you see.....

He thinks that him helping you to the sofa shows some kindness on his part that will, in some small way, support his return to the home. He is delusional if he thinks helping you to sofa after he punched you in the face and knocked you out, somehow makes it better. He is delusional to the point of considering this small detail worth arguing about. He thinks it matters, that it makes a difference. That is how inconsequential he thinks his assault on you was.

It was not.

OP- If you take this abuser back then you will be failing your children.

You are their mother!!, and its your job to protect them from abuse and harm.

ALL of the posters on here are telling you the same thing and urging you to make him leave because many have been through the experience of being with a man who is abusive and they know he will NEVER EVER change.

Do you want your children to grow and be proud that you put their welfare first ?, If so, you have no option but to make your H go.

If you stay with him, as others have said, you may well end up dead. Sorry to be blunt but thats the reality.

I know its hard to imagine that the man you married and who is the father of your children could be an abuser, but thats what he is, nothing less.

Please, please face reality because everyone is trying to tell you that if you stay with him then worse is to come.

You owe it to children to let them live free from fear.

j4j i did leave after one assault. two days later i found out i was expecting a baby. He had been arrested and cautioned for the assault but i did not listen to his pleading and apologies. I was in shock for at least a month. i think you might be too. I know every day that i made the right decision for me and my daughter not to go back to him. if you do spend some time apart his behaviour will tell you everything you need to know about how he really feels towards you. I realised that the unprovoked assault on me was based in an anger and resentment towards me.....very unhealthy. Good luck with whatever you decide but I just wanted to let you know that it can be ok to not take him back xxxxx

What an awful situation OP. I am so sorry to read it.

When my son was somewhere between 2 and 3 years old, my ex (his dad), threw me violently onto the bed and pinned me there for a while screaming in my face. My son witnessed the incident and tried to pull his dad off me. Believe it or not, my son remembers the incident quite clearly and still mentions it every now and then. He is 15.

I left his dad soon after so it never happened again. Given my son's capacity to remember and feel anger for that one incident he witnessed at such a young age, I dread to think what his head would be like now had I stuck around for any more abuse.

My advice is to leave this man and not look back.

Good luck x

I love my husband, sincerely I do

But I know it sounds harsh but I love my DD more.

The thought of my babygirl having to go through that, no man is worth it.

I know a young couple, they have 2 children both in care because he beats her and she never left him. He's been to jail for it too but she's still with him.

Just something to think about seriously

If stickafork's story doesn't make you think about what this is doing to your kids, nothing will, her story has broken my heart

Thank you do boredandrestless - will take this advice. Trying to make a list of why he should stay and am struggling but there must be some people out there that have been hit once and then resolved things. I'm not expecting it to be easy but can't believe it doesn't happen. I can't believe he let me struggle to the sofa by myself. The children were all crying and around me and DH tried to get into the lounge but my oldest son age 6 tried to slam the door on him. It knocked his glasses off and DH picked the sofa up with me sat on it and told my daughter to get the glasses out. She did. I mangaged to get upstairs and grabbed stuff and suitcases but when i got down i could n't find my keys - he'd moved them but did tell me where they were. I tried to leave with all children but he managed to grab all only 6 year old got away with a huge rip to the side of his coat. A messy nightmare and one I've NEVER been in before. Forgot to say that DH kept saying you hit me on the head I didn't. On mon eve he took this back and said it was the door. He also said that he was in shock and could n't believe what he had done that is why he didn't respond normally. Is this normal? I would rush to anyone hurt even if I was the cause - not that this has EVER been the case.

I had to go back after an hour as still nursing the youngest and was really stressing about the others and how they must be feeling. As i said in previous post we did not speak that eve. He is now in London at my parents house. Is this weird? He has no where to go as doesn't really have friends just colleagues. I have lots but guess its harder for men to make them. He went to posh private school and works long hours in high powered job in london. Could it be stress at work causing this or unresolved childhood issues? Guess nobody can tell me that. My dad is being supportive but weird situation as my mum and dad argued loads when i was little well they still do. We got smacked but i find my mum much harder than my dad and think my dad has the patience of a saint to stay with her. I vowed i'd never be in an unhappy relationship with constant rowing and thankfully it is not that but what is this now. He does often belittle me and can come across as cold but this i think stems from childhood. Is it too late to become softer? My dad certainly has and is less angry and more patient.

He grabbed all of the kids, thus using force, it was force on the kids. As the 6 year old fought to get away tearing his coat. HELLO.

The 6 yo tried to slam the door in his face and tried getting away from his Dad twice. HELLO.

This man is abusive and very, very fucking dangerous. He used force on the kids and you. I will give you one very good reason not to stay. With what happened, you stand a very good chance of losing your children to SS. Or he will kill you all, whichever comes first. I hope it's the former.

You are so down the path you can't see how bad this is. I hope SS do their job tomorrow and tell you.

Your last posts are worrying. You are trying to make excuses for him. And he has shown no remorse for what he did to you.

He grabbed your children and wouldn't let them go? Please don't let him back.

meant to say also that on the way home from school today my oldest son was holding my hand and began to squeeze it tighter and tighter. It made me feel really uncomfortable and i said jokingly are you trying to see how strong you are? He said " i know i'm really strong" is this related to the incident or am i just reading lots into it. The only thing he has said about it is when a police car went by he asked is that daddy in the back. He knows i can't see inside cars but i reassured him daddy at work. Last night as my oldest son was getting ready for bed he pointed out his bruised finger (he bruised it trying to punch DH after the incident but missed and hit the kitchen counter) I asked why he had a scab on it and he said he'd been rubbing it. Oh god. I asked him then how he was feeling about it all and he said he was feeling really sad and missed cuddles on the sofa with daddy in the early moring before daddy went to work. I feel so torn.

it's coming out bit by bit

OP, you were already in an abusive relationship before he nearly killed you, weren't you ?

My father went to v posh boarding schools - sent away at 7.

Was horrid for him emotionally and with time and distance i can see that his relationships with family were always a little strained. But - he has NEVER and would NEVER hit or punch my mother/stepmother or us.

It is no excuse.

He took your boy off you? Ripped his coat??? Have you reported THAT to the police?

Knowing that he not only hit you, but took your child from your arms and terrified him... you are still thinking that you can work it out. are you MAD?

I am honestly asking you that, as a serious question. Are you actually reading what you are typing here?

It doesn't matter if his childhood was unhappy. Men from ALL sorts of backgrounds hit their wives, some of them had great childhoods, some didn't, the difference is your H CHOSE to hit you, to hit you so hard that you were knocked unconscious IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN... to hit you so hard that your children truly believed you were dead, and that they were alone with that man.

What on EARTH are you thinking, trying to justify giving him another chance?

Your children will remember this day forever. They can never go back in time to a place where daddy didn't hurt mummy, didn't nearly kill mummy. And you want them to still have contact with him after that???? WHY? For the love of God, WHY would you do that to them?

HOW can you feel torn when the obvious, bald, hideous truth is staring you in the face?

If you want to stay with him because YOU love him or YOU are afraid of being alone, for heavens sake start thinking of your children instead of your feelings. You can cope, you will survive on your own. But will your children survive the horrific trauma of having to share a house with a man who brutally assaulted their mother?

please think this through
this is not just about you and your feelings

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your children and I apologise in advance because i have not read anything but the first page, but i have very little time and felt I absolutely must reply.

When you attended hospital and this was reported to police did you tell them your children were present? This should have initiated an immediate referal to Children's Services.

Children's Servces should have visited you and your husband and made it clear that he has to leave the house and cannot be in your or the children's presence until suitable supervision can be arrranged. Whenever i have done this I have had police with me to ensure that the abusive partener was removed.

Quite apart form teh horrific emotional abuse he has subjected them to by attacking their mother in their presence and letting them believe she was dead you have to think about the fact that if he has the strength to knock out a grown woman, what could he have done to a one of your children had they tried to intervene to protect you?

You must be really scared and uneasy, not knowing what might happen next and your children must be absolutely petrified of what could happen to their mother (or indeed themselves) next.

Please please please get the police to remove this man from your home, and if this has not been reported to children's services already do it yourself, you need all the support you can get to ensure that you and your children are safe from your husband.

Sorry if I am just repeating what has already been said, as I said I don't have time to read the whole thread right now, but I couldn't read without responding.

Again I am so sorry that you have been treated this way

I think it is fucked-up that your parents are giving him somewhere to stay

What the hell is wrong with them ?

agree with AF, you have been in an abusive relationship with this man for some time.

I am appalled for your children. The more you say, the more clear it is how enmeshed they were in this terrible assault, and how utterly terrified and helpless they must have felt

My parents are fuck ups in their own way, but they would not harbour a man who had nearly killed me

Shouting at her and calling her mad isn't going to help. She is too far down the abusive path to see reason.

Hopefully SS can do that for her.

Oh J4J
Of course your DS misses his daddy. He loves him. But look what your DH did to him. Right now your DS will have horrendous conflicting emotions, not dissimilar to you. But he won't even be able to understand or articulate them. How can he reconcile the man who is supposed to love him and take care of him with the man who has hurt his mum? If you allow your DH back you are telling your DC that it is ok to behave like that. You can't have him growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat anyone let alone the very people he is supposed to love. You just can't.

Stop making excuses for the brute.

One of your children hurt themselves trying to protect you.

Does that not sound completely messed up. You're their mother you protect them. If you let him back in you're not fulfilling that.

Can't remember who said it but as much as they love their DH they love their DD more, if anyone, anyone lay a finger on them or caused them any emotional harm they would be out of my life. My feelings don't matter, my children are innocent and didn't ask to be put in that situation (niether did you) but you can stop it happening again.

So he didn't just hit you did he, he also got into a physical tussle with your young children, and at least one of them has bruises from this! He also, once you had gotten onto the sofa, injured from him knocking you out, lifted it up with you sat on it, and told one of the dcs to get his glasses from under it. They must have been TERRIFIED.

If SS come and you are putting your dcs welfare first they will work with you and support you, it is their welfare they are concerned for. You need to let the SW talk to your dcs, and let them draw pictures, whatever is needed.

Your ds is bound to be feeling sad his dad isn't there, but that doesn't mean him coming back is the right thing to do. It would be very very wrong.

Not all people who are stressed at work punch the mother of their children. Not all people who were packed off to boarding school do either. You need to put your dcs first and show them that you will protect them and will not be treated in this way.