first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

I have to add here I hadn't heard of gas lighting yet have been through it..please get away and take your kids with you x

You say you don't have a house of violence, and then describe how your H grabs the children etc. You say you don't have a house of violence, and then say "yes he is emotionally abusive, but..."

I don't mean to be abrupt or mean to you. I think I've come across that way, and I apologise for that, wholeheartedly. I am just so so sad to hear the denial and "stuck-ness" in your words.

You know what, my H and I are also opposites in every way. We argue frequently. But he has never emotionally abused me.

It is not normal, not ok, not acceptable to emotionally abuse your partner because you have different views. That is not how healthy r/s work. Many couples are opposites, and they work things out with love, respect, and good listening skills. They live in peace. What is happening to you is NOT normal.

I am sorry for what you have been put through. You honestly sound beaten down, confused, and keen to defend your H against people who can see his behaviour for what it is. That's the state that abuse puts you into.

Have you had any counselling? Do you think you could arrange some for yourself?

OP, when your son starts to answer his father back (he will...they all do) what do you think will happen ?

Will you have to be physically present at all times to moderate your H's aggression to your children ?

What happens when you are ill, go shopping, visit friends etc. Will you have to keep your dc within your sight when he is around at all times?

Oh shit, so this man is violent towards the DC as well? OP, I think it's very likely that your father was (and probably still is) abusive towards your mother, and maybe towards you. He wouldn't be sheltering the man who knocked you unconscious if he didn't think that violent attacks were not kind of OK within a marriage, just a little spat and all that... You have grown up believing that it's OK for a man to hit a woman if he loves her, and it's no more than she deserves if she's disobedient or not sufficiently servile.

This is utter bullshit. Men are not superior to women and do not need to be worshipped and obeyed. A man who punches his partner in the face for 'disobeying' him is an inadequate human being, a contemptible failure. You say you are partially-sighted - that will be the other reason why this man picked you out. It feeds his sick ego to have a vulnerable partner, someone who he can make dependent on him and then abuse because she can't escape.

J4J-I understand your shock and reluctance to act for yourself (although I don't support the idea that he stays at all) but FGS for your children do something. You must. You really must.

This is so unhealthy for them. It should be a complete and utter dealbreaker for you. What the hell will your DC learn if mummy has daddy back after a nasty physical assault?

This is one of the most upsetting DV threads I have ever read because of the involvement of the DC

So that your parents have your H in their house after seeing your face after he knocked you unconscious. I'll ask again - did you ask your parents to put him up?

Emotional abuse isn't about disgreeing - it's about undermining everything your partner does, says and believes in. Disagreeing is when you don't think the other person is right and when you have a different opinion to them. Emotional abuse is pretending that you don't agree with the other person (even if you do) so that you make them feel stupid and illogical, and so that you can make them vulnerable and take their confidence.

Your H has emotionally abused you, and this has escalated into physical abuse, and he is getting rough with your children too, who have had to witness their father put their mother in the hospital.

I really don't know what more needs to happen for you to decide that it's not worth the risk to stay with him.

Are you beginning to see the answer to your initial question ?
Yes he should leave
For your dc sake

"We are oposites in many ways and don't oposites attract?"

This is screwed up thinking. Like a Mills and Boom novel, far removed from reality. The reality is you are in an abusive relationship. Like many of us here have been in. Most of us went through the denial phase too. It's a form of self-defense. Deflecting the horrible reality away. Because if you do it for long enough, you can forget about how awful you felt at the time. Then things can go back to 'normal' and you won't have to make a tough decision.
The reason you are finding it hard to make a decision is because you have been treated badly for some time, perhaps being told over and over that you can't cope without him. You might think you can't cope with the upheaval, so you are pushing it away, allowing the dust to settle.
Talk to people, it will make it more real. They can help you.
And yes, it's very odd that your parents are giving him a place to stay. You need to talk to people that can be more objective.

Are you seeking to minimise the damage that has been casued to your children by saying that you chose to give birth to them in your own home?

If so, you should be aware that your home sounds a far more brutal place for your children than a hospital.

on many occasions have told DH not to be rough with the children

My concern for your dc increases with every response you make.

Your dps have given shelter to a man who knocked their daughter unconscious and who manhandles their dgc? Is there a reasonable explanation for their bizarre action?

FWIW, opposites may attract but they also repel. It seems that it's way beyond time for you to repel your husband permanently.

If this is all true, then I find it absolutely chilling TBH. I am sorry I have nothing helpful to add, but please protect your children.

izzy I didn't get the giving birth at home comment either.
OP Seriously, reread this thread with fresh eyes. Look at what you have written. Imagine it was your best friend, or your son or your daughter who had written it?
I know it is hard to see what is going on when you are on the inside of it. FFS my mums job was in a childrens home looking after youngsters who had been removed from abusive homes yet she still took years to recognise her own situation.
I agree with cestlavie tell your DH you want no contact for at least a month. See how he reacts and what he says.

I did not ask my parents to put H up my dad suggested it for a night I asked if he could stay for longer as am not ready to have him back here and they said they'd put him up till saturday. I'm confused about the police. I was asked to give a statement so H could be arrested I thought that was protocol. Should i not have given a statement? He was released with a caution as its a first offence.

J4J I am glad that your parents don't intend to have him there for long, but equally it shouldn't be either their place or yours - please don't feel that if he's not there then he has to be with you. You cannot be around him at the moment, so he needs to make another plan (where he stays isn't your issue).

You did completely the right thing by giving a statement - I think some posters weren't certain whether you had refused to do so.

Please, do take the good advice on here about allowing SS to talk to your children - they have been through a dreadful ordeal, and need all the support they can get. Don't be afraid to take as much support as you can from SS for yourself too.

And I second the poster who said to go back over this thread and read it again. Think about your daughter, all grown up and married with children, and ask yourself what you would tell her if it had been her writing all this down. Because that is, sadly, a possibility if you do not break the cycle of abuse and stop it with yourself.

While you read it, pay attention to a fact that NOT ONE objective stranger on this thread has said that you have overreacted, that you should give him another chance, that it must have been a moment of madness from him. Considering that there's over 200 posts on here, that's quite a feat and should be a very strong message to you in and of itself.

You absolutely should have given a statement, but it is your choice, was it in a pocket notebook or on statement sheets, did they do a risk assessment form, did they take photos and did you release your medical records. Did you tell the officers that you didn't want to go to court, did you tell them about what he did to the children. Did the officers document your relationship history with your H.

An officer can arrest your H without a statement but unless it's a serious injury (top end GBH) the CPS will most likely bin the allegation.

You need to talk to someone in RL about this, someone from socservs or DAU at the police station should be in touch with you

I have been lurking on this thread but just wanted to say that there was low level DV in my house growing up and my dad would swing for any man who hit his daughters (however fucked up that sounds).

Do your parents know that he punched you so hard he knocked you out? Your face must be an absolute mess :(

I have been hugely damaged by my childhood. Please don't let your children be victims too. They have no choice here. You do.

If you want to know more about your legal options, PM me and I will let you know what to do.

Keep safe

Don't worry too much about the police right now. Of course it was right to give a statement. You might want to go back and expand on the detail.

But for next few days
Focus on day to day practicalities and getting rl support to live your life without this man in it
Speaking to a counsellor is good step and especially local women's aid

You need to be prepared for his reaction when he realises he can't just step back in

Get some advice re the dc and supervised contact with dad but if they don't see him for a week they will be fine really they will

I get the feeling that the OP is in denial trying to distance herself from the notion that her dc have been adversely affected by their father's abusive behaviour because, in her mind, dv can only occur within a certain class if the dc have been born in hospital, Stick.

Take a look at the stats, OP. Domestic violence occurs in every strata of society.

OP, wasn't it today the social worker was visiting ?

Hi, I have had time to read the whole thread now and I have to say i am even more worried for you and especially for your children than I was before.

I am mystified as to why the police had such a minimal response and why Children's Services did not come out straight away, but i appreciate that different local authorities may repond differently at times. Or perhaps Children's Services were not initially made aware of just how involved the children were in this incident.

The fact that your children tried to intervene and your husband was aggressive with them is a huge concern. Your children are at risk from him and that risk needs to be managed very carefully. Physical violence against children (even if it is unintended e.g. a child gets between a father attacking a mother in teh hope to protect their mother) in teh worst case seanrio can result in teh death of that child. You may think this sounds like scare mongering, but if he hit you, a grown woman, in the face, hard enough to knock you out, what would that strike have done to a child's face/skull/brain?

Additionally (as so many peoepl on this thread have testified) children who grow up in violent households where their parents stay together have a life time of pain ahead of them, even if they are never the subject of that violence. The terror of watching their mothers being abused is enough to cause life long emotional and psychological scars!

As there have been so many women sharing their stories I will not comment on the effect of domestic violence on little girls, but as there tend to be few men on this board I will say that in my experience one of the terrible ironies for boys who grow up with violent fathers is that as much as they abore watching their mothers being abused, they can often (not always) repeat the patterns of abuse in their own adult relationships. One of the very (many) upsetting aspects of my job is seeing teh very sad, scared little boys who have spent their childhoods worrying about and trying to protect their mothers, becoming aggresive boyfriends as they reach teenage and adulthood. (please do not think I am trying to excuse their actions, I am only trying to illustrate just how destructive ongoing domestic violence is for children).

The best thing you can do now is ensure that your husband never lives with your children again. Be very honest with Children's Services, please do not try to cover for your husband.

This is a Child Protection issue and Children's Services will need to be sure that you understand the risks that he poses to the children and that you are willing to take the steps necessary to protect them (this basically means ending your relationship with him and not letting him back in your home). I really do not want to scare you, but if you cannot recognise the risks he poses to your children questions will be raised about whether they will be safe in your care. In so many cases it really does come down to a mother picking her partner or her children, it is heart breaking to se how many pick the partner. From everything you have written so far I am sure you will not do that, but it does seem that you need to be a little more honest with yourself about exactly how your husband has been treating you and yoru children.

Sorry this is so long, I am just so worried for you and your children!

AF Just reread and I think SS are visiting tomorrow morning.

My mistake, sorry

Children who witness domestic violence are high risk for developing depression and anxiety whilst they are still children .
I have nursed children with mental health problems - for eg 10 YR old children and younger ,who develop depression, self harming behaviours , suicidal behaviours,OCD etc because they have witnessed their mothers be used as punch bags .
You are being physically abused OP.
Your children are being emotionally abused.
The latter is no lesser crime.

It was on statement sheets and they took photos and i gave permission for my medical records to be released.

J4J did you tell the police that you had been knocked out by him and that your children were present and did you tell them exactly what happened to your children? I'm sorry to question you like this, but I am just completely mystified by the police and children's services response in this case?