first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

OP who are you to tell them what to do? THEIR DAUGHTER!!!!!

You're completely entitled to tell them how shocked you are at the situation. I don't want to rub it in but this a black and white situation- by putting him up they are condoning his behaviour and effectively taking his side.

J4J I'm very concerned that there doesn't seem to be an aspect of your life at this difficult time that your H hasn't infiltrated (with the exception of your wonderful friend waterlego)

He's staying with your parents (and who knows what crap he's feeding them while he's there - with his manipulative track record I shudder to think) which has effectively cut them off as a source of support for you, although I'd argue they sort of did that themselves but allowing him in.

And then on the other hand, he also has his own mother becoming ever more increasingly involved. You don't know that he hasn't put her up to spending more time with your DCs (is she going to be reporting back? keeping your H informed on what's happening in your house?)

I would think very carefully before aligning yourself with anyone that seems to have your H's interests at heart rather than yours. When it comes to your MIL, only you can judge the situation, but I would tread with caution.

I would also consider calling your parents and being extremely blunt with them - tell them that you view the fact that they are housing the man who assaulted you as a gross betrayal, and that as long as he is there, you will consider them complicit in your abuse.

It makes me very on your behalf that your H is getting away with this at your parents. Absolutely disgraceful IMO, you must be very hurt.

Very well put NWNH.

The most my father did "for" my ex when he was violent towards me was drive him to the airport when he left. :o

No decent parents should defend this man's actions and certainly not have him in their home.

I'd seriously consider cutting ties with them, TBH.

At some point you may need to address your parents' decison to provide lodgings for your h.

However, the Machiavellian in me suggests that any conversation that you may intend to have with your parents in relation to this particular matter is best deferred until after such time as you are in possession of an occupation Order in respect of your marital home.

Having attested to your affidavit in support yesterday, you have said that you expect an Order to be in place early next week. Is your solicitor intending to make an ex parte application and is there any reason why your application cannot be heard this week?

Your parents' behaviour in this is clearly something you will need to think about, but right now I think it's a side-track. Agree with Izzy that it is better to wait for the moment to address that one. You need to concentrate on the things which are most immediately important.

Hi again all, it IS waterlego here, but I have had to reregister with a diff e-mail as my previous log-in no longer works. Nor does J4J's. Neither of our log-ins has worked for the last few days. Not sure what to think or say about that (strange coincidence?!) but I've e-mailed MNHQ for clarification and am going to avoid saying anything else on this thread until it's been sorted out, just in case.

Thank you all for your continued concern and support of J. x

There is a place here where you can go to talk in secret when you contact MNHQ ask them about it and we can meet you there.....

Glad you are being so strong J4J. I respect and admire your courage.

How are you doing, J?

Hope you and J get some answers from MNHQ soon Waterlego, as you say it sounds very odd and I would doubt a coincidence....
As Nettle says there is somewhere else you can go that is private, MNHQ or someone else can direct you if that is what you want.
Hope you are both doing well. :)

Hi

I debated whether to post amid fears of troll calling but I have been reading this with interest. I am RL friends with waterlego (but not J) and her new log in is now not working either. She and J are waiting to hear from MNHQ about this situation which I am sure has a simple explanation.

I am not a troll or sock or anything like that btw. Hopefully I have been noticed around to prove that (Frothers, Pointless, Ashes to Ashes etc)

Hi Norfolk. What's your point - Waterlego has already explained about the log ins? Sorry don't understand why you've posted just to say you know one of them?

I suppose it was in response to the thread going poof comment.

I shouldn't have posted, you're right.

Norfolk was merely pointing out that Waterlego's second log in is now not working. We knew that the first one was not working but it is news that the second is also blocking her.
Hope MNHQ get to the bottom of it.

And Norfolk you were right to post.

Thanks Norfolk. Xx

J is doing very well still and getting on with things as best she can. She's stronger at the moment than she was last week when things seemed particularly difficult and bleak. J is very busy but still appreciating the support and advice here which I am passing on. Not sure yet whether she will come back to post at any point but probably depends on whether or not she decides this is a 'safe' place to talk.

In the meantime, thanks all. Well...almost all!

I didn't say Norfolk shouldn't post. I just didn't understand why she had.

I'm so pleased to hear J is okay. I and others are thinking of her.

Much appreciated proud. Will pass that on.

Good to know that J is OK. Hope MN sort out the log in problems soon.

Hopefully mnhq will find out what has been going wrong with the log in problem. Waterlego, please let J know that there is somewhere safer for her to get support just let us know and someone can pm you with the details.
Good to hear J remains strong.

That's great, thank you catherine, I'll let her know.

MN are on the case to sort out the log-in problem.

I can now log in again - it was a fault with their end admin wise which was a relief. My H is a computer whiz and I got paranoid. MNHQ have warned me that in cases like this speaking on a forum rarely ends well but I really need advice from people and it is helping me cope so please keep on with your brilliant support.

H came at the weekend to see the kids - saw them Saturday - took the oldest to a course at the school for most of the day and then saw the other 3 for and hour afterwards. It is hurting how little he is seeing the kids, well more that he doesn't seem that bothered. If I was in his shoes I would want to be skyping them daily - especially because the youngest is only 16 months so telephone is bit pointless.

H really cold with me - I think it is called 'passive aggression'. My parents were here too at the same time and when he left he made a point of saying goodbye to everyone except me. I know he's been advised for a 'cooling off' period but it hurt all the same. Where is the remorse? He said in an email last friday that he wants me to go to couples counselling. I have said no to this and said why - that there can be no positive communication when one person doesn't respect the other and strives to avoid equality. I also mentioned that the implication is that I need to adjust my behaviour to avoid getting him upset. His response was that it is not about aportioning blame but about finding common ground. Should I agree to 'family therapy' which apparently has better results than couples counselling or should I stick with pushing for him to attend an abuser program first. Any thoughts?

Had a long chat with my dad about housing H. Dad said that if I was not happy with it that he would ask him to leave. He also said that he thinks a good idea that H stays with them as firstly we know where he is, secondly that he isn't having to pay to stay somewhere else so more money comes to me and the children and thirdly my dad said when he does see him - which isn't often as he works long hours - he is able to give him a piece of his mind. Dad reassures me he is not making his stay 'pleasant'. My parents are going to Australia for 6 weeks in a week's time anyway. My only concern with him staying there is that as he is an hour closer to work and has no childcare responsibilities there is little incentive for him to seek help or to change. Would making him fend for himself more make him act more quickly or not make much difference at all. Woman's Aid adviser has said to me that men work on different timescales to women and that for women 4 or 5 weeks is forever but for men it is about 4 or 5 months before they realise hey I haven't got my wife and kids anymore. All so confuisng - any advice gratefully received please...