first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

Happy Birthday! Thinking of you and the children. Hope you had a nice peaceful day.

For what is worth, you are doing the right thing.

waterlego I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that . No I don't expect OP to care what I think .
I just wanted to make the point that no one knows what goes on behind 4 Walls .
I think you are doing an invaluable job .

Thank you Nanny. Emotions running high at the moment but you're right- what I think of the H is irrelevant.

I imagine J doesn't have much time to read and post at the moment but I'm sure she won't mind me saying that she's doing really well and doing all the right things to keep herself and the children safe. J has taken advice from a solicitor and and is in regular contact with Victim Support.

I think J is now confiding in some more RL friends (of which she has a great many!) which can only be a good thing in terms of getting support.

I will be sure to let her know that MNers are thinking of her and wishing her well.

Good thing in terms of support and also from that way we all have of 'covering up' and then because life is normal persuading yourself it didn't happen

Friends won't forget and friends will care about keeping her safe even when it's tough for her to do so.

It's great to hear that J is is standing tall . She sounds in warrior mode so that's lovely to hear .
I wish her all the and luck and happiness.

I was in warrior mode an hour ago but not now. Only cooked half a dinner and now in pieces again. I just hurt so much. I can't get my head around MIL's reaction - not even mentioning my face when she saw it. If my son had done something like this I hope to think i may have acknowledged it. Her visit was all so formal. Not sure I can see her again for quite some time. Is this anger. Well I do feel anger at the moment. I am not scared about being alone but about making the wrong choices for me and the children. I feel so desperately cut up.

J4J

Unfortunately I was not altogether surprised to read of your MILs reaction.

She is also patently not one of the people you need to be talking to about this, she needs to stay away as well.

Did you really think that MIL would have taken your side despite all the evidence in front of her?. Her loyalty after all is to her darling boy and will put his needs and wants always before yours.

J4J you can't be expected to be strong every moment of every day. And, if I'm honest, I am not in slightest bit surprised that you're angry about MIL's reaction. Ultimately, though, at this stage of the process of healing, your MIL and what she thinks is very low down on the list of priorities.

You can't focus on how she ticks, because you may never find out what is motivating her behaviour.

Just try to keep focused on you and the children. YOu're their mother, and you will make the right decisions for them. Just heed the advice about making the transition plans, and keep talking to the professionals you've been talking to, as well as your RL friends.

J4 Your MIL won't support you. She will support her son. It's a horrible thing to realise that..... You have lots of support here and in RL, just keep going, you know you can do this for you and for your children..... Don't worry about making the right/wrong decisions for you and your children ... at the moment, just concentrate on getting through each hour......

Can you risk him whacking your kids later on down the line, when they drive him nuts (which they will). My dad never hit my mum as far as I know, but once I thought he was going to hit my step mum and I felt pure terror, I jumped infront of her to defend her - his wallops and punches never worried me as I was used to them. He knocked me out once after belting me around the head so that I fell back and cut my head open on a radiator. Put your children and their physical and mental health first - he sounds dangerous to me. Sounds like an awful situation but be strong - good luck xx

J unfortunately I'm not surprised by her reaction either. You'll never understand her reasoning and you'd be better not to waste your energy in trying. Concentrate on what you can control, which is your situation, your future, your plans for you and for your children. :)

Oh I feel for you so much, I really do.

It is good advice to take each hour at a time...Everything changed in an instant, and that is going to take a while for your brain to reorganise itself. And every time you see yourself in the mirror, or feel the pain, it probably brings it all to you again.

I have two marks on my arm, they are permanent, where he gouged out the flesh. I see them and I am back there again. In that ten minutes that turned my world, and my children's world upside down and back to front.

Plenty of rest, cry when you need to, but I was advised to not cry too much in front of the dc's, by the social worker, they needed me to be solid, at least to them. But cry when you can, crying is so healing.

When you are a little way down the line, there are people here who can help you make sense of stuff like MILs reaction. Often, these patterns are trans generational, and you may find stuff that you hadn't expected, in terms of attitudes and behaviours, but that is not for now.

Take very gentle care of yourself.

You will be up and down for a long time J.

Please don't try to analyse or understand MiL's reaction. She is panicking because she wants everything to be all right for her son and that means making you forget (like you could!!!) by not admitting it.

She has lost your respect and thus you owe her NOTHING. Stick with people who care and nourish you.

Thank you for MIL advise. Going to a dv discussion group on Thurs - only first name basis and you can just listen or join in if you want. Nervous about what I might hear and it all still seems so surreal as he has only hit me once i'm not a battered wife but I know as it was said earlier one punch can kill and it could happen again or could next time be one of my children. All such unfamiliar territory.

J4J - 'Battered wife' is really an old-fashioned term now. You have however been exposed to (and become accustomed to) domestic abuse. The physical violence is really the tip of the iceberg. Hopefully you will get a better understanding of this through talking to others who have experienced the same.

J if you can look upon this as not just one incident but the start of a series of incidences you will see for yourself how brave and strong you are to get out now, without waiting for the situation to deteriorate. :)

You may well find yourself in awe of your own bravery for getting out so soon.

Really, I can't remember the stats, but getting out so early is really an amazing thing. You must, therefore, be an amazing woman, and an awesome mum.

You are NOT a "battered wife". You are a woman who has had the internal resources to know when a boundary has been crossed, and had the sheer guts to say "no more".

Do you have any idea of just how courageous you are?

I am in awe of your bravery and I'm sure I'm not alone. I hope the group is useful. And happy birthday for yesterday - it probably doesn't feel like that right now but I bet in a few months you will be able to look back at what feel like baby steps right now and are really enormous strides. Well done and massive kudos for coming back to this thread.

Also, I am so sorry about your MIL but I'm not surprised at her reaction (sadly). The next few months are going to be a huge test of your mettle but there are loads and loads of people here to hold your hand through it all. One day at a time

J4J, you really ARE doing so very well. Really.

OK so you will have blips, we all do, but just go to the group, for a while, listen and try to understand what is being said. It will be moving perhaps, it will be shocking.

It may also be FUNNY.... some of our group sessions DO get humourous.

You have to laugh at the insanity of it all sometimes.

I am in awe of your strength and your ability to be open to the bigger picture here, J

Despite your terribly shocking recent experiences, you are still here and still interacting on your thread, where you have had to read such devastating pronouncements on your marriage, and on your decision-making

you are one seriously impressive person

good luck at the discussion group J.
i would also not expect to garner any support from the MIL, and her cold reaction doesnt surprise me either, and i would say that is burying her head to the monster that her son has become, if she had acknowledged your injuries she would have to confront the fact that her son did this, and that means, somewhere, in his upbringing, something went very wrong.

rely on your friends, i am sure they will support you through this. Good for you for being strong enough to not just quietly get on with getting "back to normal".

i wish you, and your children luck.

a name change might be useful

the significance of "J4J" must be very painful for you

I know I'm coming late to this thread, but it may be worth asking the police or your local children's centre workers t fill in a DASH form with you; it will give you a score that relates to the risk associated with his behaviours and can be (if you score high enough) referred to a multi-agency conference called a MARAC which will be helpful for you. It will give you the confidence to know that a support system is being created and the aim is to prevent further incidences of something happening.

You don't have to attend the MARAC meeting, by the way; you will get an advocate who will go on your behalf and then report back with the action plan for you and the children to keep you safe.

Well done for being so collected; even if you do have wobbly moments.

I've recently been on training regarding DV and child abuse and it is surprising to learn that typically 40 odd occurrences of abuse happen before the victim makes plans to leave. I have also learnt that when the victim leaves, they are at their most vulnerable and the risk to yourself and the children is heightened.

PLEASE be aware though that now you've left (or rather, he's gone from the house), you (collectively) are at your most vulnerable and may need support from a number of people - the police, DV unit, WA if you want it, SS possibly, health and education if your children are in school. Remember - they are ALL in it to support you and no-one wants to cast aspersions on your ability to keep your children safe. They all know, however that in these highly stressful and shocking times, you may need help to do that. What they won't do is sweep in and do things without your consent, unless there is an urgent risk of severe harm coming to your children, which right now it doesn't sound as if there is from what you've said here. Take the help - you and your children need as much support as you can get.

Hello again ladies, hello J :)

I wanted to ask some advice and really hope J won't feel I'm treading on her toes.

If and when Js husband wants to visit the children at the family home, what precautions should/can J take to protect herself and the children? Should there be professional involvement? Correct me if I'm wrong J but I don't think this has been offered?