first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

The reaction which the OP is getting is just the sort of reaction that stops women reporting DV.

Stop blaming her.
Stop attacking her

There are enough people who have given their point of view and she is assimilating.

She has held him at bay and has strongly indicated divorce unless he gets to the bottom of this. Please please consider the manner in which you give your advice. It should be support and not telling her she is a bad mother. By all means give your own stories but HATE AND DESPISE are just heaping pain on this woman. If she hasn't already stopped reading, she will soon and the only voices she will hear, will be her husband and various family members close to her who may not have 'perspective'

The OP needs to feel strong and confident and worthy of better treatment. She needs to have a high self esteem. She needs to see this for herself and explore all options. Throwing insults at her, will make her retreat.

singing princess and carrie gave good advice without attacking.

waterlego the best thing you can do is filter the posts for her so that she can take advice and support without the nastiness

oh and btw I have know people have a reaction to weed that caused a very out of character event like this. Does it use it?

Good advice Bellybee

Cannabis may cause unpredictable behaviour - but it is generally accompanied with symptoms of paranoia and other symptoms of ill health .
Cannabis doesn't cause a history of emotional abuse , that is generally down to personality make up .
It is more likely that this is nothing to do with cannabis but is the actions of an antisocial man .

ToothbrushThief Thank you SO much for your posts; I think you are spot on. You are right that J is losing interest in reading this thread as she is seeing so much criticism levelled at her when she is at such an incredibly vulnerable time. stru Carrie and cantreach Thank you for your measured, helpful posts. If J no longer wants to read the thread, I will take Toothbrush's advice and filter the posts for her.

Nanny.... you don't care what I think and yet you expect the OP to care what you think? Strange. I've known the OP for ten years and spent hours hugging her last night while she sobbed and even slept in her bed. Please don't make me feel I am not supporting my friend adequately.

We talked a lot last night and went to and fro. I will let J tell you what she is now thinking and feeling, if she decides to. As much as I agree that I personally would rather J never takes him back, I strongly believe that she has to come to that decision herself.

Just for the record (and I don't think J will mind me saying this) in response to the many questions about it- J4J has spoken to Women's Aid, yes. She is also being offered help from Victim Support, which she has accepted.

Last night, it became clear that there were things that happened earlier in the week which J could no longer remember. e.g. for a while, J couldn't remember whether or not she'd spoken to the children's school teacher about the incident and then later remembered. I think this amply demonstrates that the OP has been in some degree of shock this week and, as such, needs gentle, reassuring support.

It's J's birthday today.

Some of you should really know better. Like I said up thread attacking op and now her rl support is going to do know good.

How many of you were beat many times? An awful lot, yes it's a warning, but why didn't you go?

That's right it's not an over night thing. She has been conditioned over 10 years to see, this frankly. Dangerous and abusive man, as the loving and caring husband.

She need to process this herself. Now if it takes usually 37 attacks or whatever the figure is. Then she's doing well. The space and rl support I'm sure will see her to the right decision.

But forcing and verbally attacking andorssurising someone like this is not the way to go. It's rather ironic, actually.

Happy Birthday J!

Good post Lego (though did you mean 'her rl support is going to do no good'?)

She DOES ned to time to let the shock subside and absorb what has happened. She can't think clearly at present. She is broken. The last 10 years of her life have been turned upside down. I, too, think she is doing really well.

I have suggested to J that she just focus on surviving today. Get herself and the children through the day. Take each hour at a time if need be.

waterlego J4J is very lucky to have you around her.

I too agree that the OP needs more support here rather the criticism, especially in light og the fact that she's made some incredibly difficult yet firm decisions this week whilst still being in complete shock.

We should be praising her for her strength, not being awful to her.

Happy birthday J4J - I hope that the next year, even if it brings great change, will be positive, fulfilling and happy.

Yes I did. I get lazy with my iPad fellow Lego and had all of 2 hours sleep. Thanks kids!

Happy birthday j

fellow lego- :)

Why do you think her rl support is going to do no good?

She said attacking her rl support is going to do no good!

Oh I see!

I said attacking her and now her rl support will do no good.

Not that you won't do any good. That attacking her. Now you.

Something I suggested to J last night, which she seemed surprised to consider, is that regardless of who her H had married, they would have received that punch at some point. That's true though, isn't it?

THank you fellow Lego, I've not had enough sleep either! (I wasn't criticising your spelling y'see, I was questioning what you were saying. But now I'm not . All clear now :))

Yes it's true, because that's who he is unfortunately. He's conditioned her to think he is some great guy. Whilst actually being abusive. His behaviour she has outlined is abusive.

I should proof read Lego. My iPad one finger wrong it just corrects to something else. So it ends up making no sense. But so tired I don't notice half the time. It's why I only ever use my pc for work!

Yes, that is true. He would have hit his "wife"...who that individual woman was, is irrelevant. Because it is him that has the problem here.

It's too early now but at some point J4J may want to try and understand what has happened, and how she ended up in this situation. Respect are just brilliant for this...their number is listed at the top, in the DV webguide, and there is a myriad of books to explain too. I personally have found the books aimed at the abusers to be more helpful in describing their mindset.

Learning about what is wrong with abusive people is very empowering, and we will still be here when J gets to that point.

An hour at a time is the best way, I know that is how I dealt with it. And feeling that you are allowed to cry, sob, shout, whatever, all helps the healing process to begin.

J4J, I wish you a peaceful birthday, and the beginning of finding "you" again, so you can have peace and happiness with which to shine on your children.

You are an extraordinarily brave and courageous woman. I am in awe.

singing Great advice there, I will make sure I read these recent posts to J when I see her later.

'being able to cry, sob, shout...' I hope J will do this. She is always very emotionally honest with her children so I hope she will feel she can show her emotions at home without scaring them. It's ok for them to see that she's sad, I think.

I have followed this thread, though haven't posted until now. I'm glad J has real life support and I wish her the happiest birthday she could possibly have under the circumstances. I hope she finds the strength to keep him away from her and her children. I can't imagine how she's feeling. :(

Firstly happy birthday J4J, be kind to yourself today and try and do something nice just for you if you can.
I have followed this thread from the start but not posted (I don't think so anyway....another sleep deprived mum!).
J, you will still be in shock, you have suffered an awful attack by someone who should be a loving and protecting influence in your life.

On top of the attack your brain is trying to work out what the hell went wrong, if you could/should have seen this coming, other than the head injury you have suffered your head must feel ready to explode!
I know that there have been some quite pushy posters on here saying stuff like you will be complicit in abuse of your dc's if you allow him back, please don't feel too harshly towards them, they really are only trying to help you. Maybe try and look at it that there are many people out in rl who do care that you and your children are safe and maybe take comfort in that if you can.
It sounds like you have some good rl support and that is great and you will need it for some time to come.
Take all the help you can right now, don't try and think too much right now, your brain has had both a physical and emotional shock and is going to need time to recover.
If I can be so bold as to offer a little bit of advise right now it would be to give yourself at least a couple more weeks to decide where you want to go from here, making any decisions right now is not a good idea, you need to come to terms with what has happened, that will take some time.
Seeing and talking to someone with experience in domestic abuse could help you look at everything in a safe environment, allowing you to work through all that you must be feeling.

As I said before be kind to yourself.

a birthday in the midst of chaos may feel confusing - but happy birthday, share a cake with your Dc and friends.

to reiterate what was said:

"Whatever he does to address this issue will take some time to put in place, so work out an interim plan to deal with the practical side of things first off and preserve those admirable boundaries you have made"

the best thing you can do is not let him back in house for some time, in any shape or form, while you process all this.

Happy Birthday J! Today is a whole new day and a whole new year. As much as you are hurting terribly, I hope you have a good and peaceful day with lots of hugs from your children. Be kind to yourself and let those who truly care around you be kind to you too: you deserve it now probably more than ever before. You are a good person, a good mother, you make good decisions, you are special and you deserve good things in your life.

We can't change yesterday, but we can change tomorrow.

Best wishes from far, far away.

Get rid and do not allow him back into your lives,your poor child at 4 yrs old will never forget this and he will continue to do this if he gets away with it,what sort of man thinks you are joking when you are knocked out cold and your child thinks you are dead,disgraceful,and not a man in my world.I was under the impression that the Police had a zero tolerance on DV or am I mistaken,its a good job he is not my SIL as he would never set foot over your door again,no amount of councilling will make him stop he has started and it will continue so get rid.

Happy birthday J4J. This is the start of a whole new life.