first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

Thank you waterlego. As i said to you last night i would post my plan today. I am still utterly devastated and even more so after seeing the mother in law today for 2 hours - I then asked her to leave. She has not acknowledged my face at all and simply said on the subject that she is not here to analyse what happened and that she is probably the last person I want to talk to about it right now. I agreed and that was all that was said. Not sure how to be with her but can't be normal. I spoke to James yesterday. He came for a couple of hours to see the children. My mum was here too - I won't have him in the house without someone else. We spoke together for 10 mins. I let him talk first and he said he was sorry and was looking to seek help. I then said my bit which is this. I think that there are two issues here. 1) He needs to understand how I feel - vulnerable, sad, trust betrayed for me and the children. I need to feel that he is no threat to us and that he is extremely sorry for what he did. He needs to look at himself and make sure it never happens again. He needs to seek professional help. Only then can we look at the second issue - the pressures in our relationship. If he can't sort the first issue then its divorce.

And just to confirm- this genuinely was completely out of character for her H.

Of course, I wouldn't know if other things have gone on behind closed doors but I have certainly never seen him as an abuser; emotional, physical or otherwise. I have some experience of emotional abuse myself so feel I would have a chance of recognising it.

J4J- a heartfelt best wishes

Crossed posts. blows kisses at J4J

That wasn't meant to be italicised, obviously.

That is outrageous. I am in shock. You are a fool for not acting on this.

Completely out of character for her husband? No, what her husband has done is show his true colours.

I just want to add that i'm hoping that in the future i will be able to say to my children this is why i acted in this way - i gave your daddy a chance to make amends but sadly it didn't work or that the reason we stayed together is because daddy went and did this. I don't want to teach my children that you just run away or act out of fear. I want to give them a clear and strong message this is not acceptable behaviour but there may be opportunity for a second chance.

I think J4J needs support. You may not agree with her decision but don't cut off support from MN by turning on her.

Many of us have tried to mend things. It didn't work for us so we are therefore biased. I sincerely hope it works for J4J but I'd also want her to feel able to post here again for support.

what i cannot get my head around is what my own DH said to me today as i was speaking to him about this issue,

he said, you do not just turn around and punch someone in the face if your marriage has been normal for 10 years.

something in this relationship is wrong, Waterlego - just read the entire thread as if you didnt know it was your friend - your friend has said in here that he is emotionally abusive, and that he treats the children roughly, prior to J4J getting ko'd by her DH.
i think its lovely that you supporting your friend, but make that support count. Hold her hand while she phones Womens Aid. I read J4Js posts with rising horror with each revelation she made - and she still thinks that her DH is not abusive? That this is out of character?
read it back. read it all back. its here, in black and white. This has been coming for a long long time.

Seems to me that you are starting to process things rationally, which is incredible given what you've been through. I hope that you are going to seek help for yourself, since you don't mention that. This support should help you understand how to move forward on a more informed basis. Additionally it might help you comprehend how this happened to you.

This is only an opinion but violence can never be justified. It does come across as if you are looking for causes within your relationship a little.

Regardless, I hope that you and the kids can get over this.

Very good point Vicar

Waterlego, it's great that you're there for J4J but please don't ever think that you know what a relationship is like unless you're right inside it yourself. In this case, you are not. Please look at what J4J has said herself vis a vis how her h treats her children. Read the posts where she talks of the attack on her, and his subsequent behaviour to his frightened children.

What you see is the public persona of the h. You have no idea what he is like to live with unless he happens to be your own ex.

But this is what we do though isn't it?

My h went to therapy, BEFORE he became violent.

He only hit me once, as well.

No one can quite believe it, especially not me.

But he DID hit me. In front of my children. Who are traumatised, and six months later, STILL in shock.

I have just had to go and settle my 7 yr old dd again, she is SO confused, she loves her daddy, but she has lost faith, trust, and her innocence, because of what he did. Once.

But you know J4J, there were YEARS of controlling and emotionally abusive behaviours, actually, no, generations of controlling and abusive behaviours. On both sides.

I totally get how you must be feeling right now, and you know what, despite what he has done, I love my h too. I love him enough to say no, you can't come back here until you truly and deeply face this. If ever.

Because anything less isn't love at all.

You have people around you, right now, that is good. This is so tough, but there are people on here that REALLY get it. That understand that you love your husband...you can't just turn that off. BUT, the future has been changed now. It 's all different now.

J4J, another chance to do what? What could he do to you and your children that could be worse? Leaving him wouldn't teach your children to run away or to act out of fear. It would teach them that they deserve to be treated decently. You stood up to your MIL--I think you are stronger than you realise.

I am sorry that your family have not been supportive. You deserve much better than this.

I would say to any woman - stranger, friend, relation, colleague, whatever - that if a man hits you, get the FUCK away from him. Don't even question it. No decent man would knock a woman out. Not a single one.

J4J

If you give him a second chance you may well not even have a future. The next time he decides to punch you spark out may be fatal. Or he might attack one of your children.

Seriously, there is NOTHING that will make your H stop abusing ALL of you.

There's absolutely NO WAY ON THIS EARTH would I let a bastard like him near my kids, If he comes back they will be terrified.

If you minimalize his abuse and take him back then I guarantee you will regret it.

You must make your children's welfare and safety your priority.

vicar
Entirely right . DH and I also had that discussion .
waterlego I don't think any of us cares what you think about this man .
I don't think it's helpful for you to post your opinions of him .
Nobody knows what goes on behind 4 Walls .
Op just needs to concentrate on OPs experiences of him .
j4j I am extremely sad and concerned for your children .
What are you teaching your DD about self respect and how to keep herself safe ?
First and foremost we teach our children about safety .
Not about endurance !
I can't help thinking you are putting your own fears about you being on your own , and your DH being on his own , before the needs of your children.

She is THREE whole stages away from giving him a second chance.
He is out of the house and she is refusing to see him alone - she had her mother there
She is insisting he stay away, dependent on demonstrating that he genuinely understands what he has done and how she feels AND, separately, that he gets professional help.
Only then will she countenance the third stage - looking at the other apects of their relationship
and if that is not successful she says quite clearly that she will divorce him!

I understand people's concern based on their own experience, but just as Lego only sees what she sees, so does MN!

Give your experience, but haranguing her and attacking her?

J4J - I have just read through all 418 cements. You have posted about 5-6 times. Let's round that up to 8. That means that FOUR HUNDRED AND TEN TIMES people have posted saying this is not OK behaviour plus what this will do to your kids. Professionals (therapists and police) have given their opinions on what future behaviour is almost certain to occur.

Very, very well done J4J for giving some boundaries! That is truly a big step and not an easy one.

Remember, as someone earlier said, "..YOU ARE COMPLICITY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE OF YOUR CHILDREN IF YOU LET HIM BACK IN."

Now, unlike some on here, I utterly believe you that this man is not all bad. In fact, I am convinced of it. You would not have married a man who was bad. If I told you that next monk I'm getting married to the most wonderful man I'd ever met, I'm sure you would be happy for me. If I then told you that I knew hat in 10 years time he'd knock me unconscious - for ANY - reason, that my darling 4 year old daughter would think I'd died, that my beautiful, wonderful sons would try to help and protect me against their father and that I would even consider that that is ok, would you still think I should get married? Marriages are something we all work on and you are clearly committed to yours, which is to be applauded, however, the concept of marriage and what has been happening to you are entirely different things. Whatever type of ceremony you had there is usually some reference to "in sickness and in health".their is never any hint of a reference to "if I make you ill/in need of medical treatment, you should forgive me, try to trust me and the kids will just have to get on with it".

Remember: you are complicit in the emotional abuse of your children. He should be allowed professionally supervised visits with them and that's it. They need to feel 110% safe always. They should be 110% safe always.

And the same goes for you: you are just as precious, just as important as your wonderful children.

Your situation probably won't ease up for a while. There are a lot of people rooting for you. I hope you can come back to this thread at some point and re-tread it. We will all still be here.

If you don't, I wish you and your children a very safe, secure and happy future.

Aah bloody hell, my post should be an hour ahead, after J4J's post after the next one - MN not good if you're in a different time zone!

Ok seems post in right place but iPhone spelling is ruling! Apologies!

At the present time the op and her children are safe. She has her mother and a good friend, she has set some very clear boundaries. Despite being a state of extreme shock and suffering the after effects of the incident, she has come up with a very rational plan. She deserves support and applause for doing this.
It is the first step in her dealing with what happened and the next six months at the very least are going to be hard, hard work.
As some posters have said no one can know the inside of a relationship except the people in it, so please let's be supportive and look at the WA and refuge advice for supporting someone dealing with abuse.
I would urge one thing op, don't talk to H directly yet, and take on board his mother's belittling of the event.
Whatever he does to address this issue will take some time to put in place, so work out an interim plan to deal with the practical side of things first off and preserve those admirable boundaries you have made.

So, so hard to think clearly especially when you have a life and a home and kids together. It may be out of character but just think, if something is happening in his life which is making him behave like this, it could have been one of the kids on the receiving end. And clearly he was completely out of control and doesn't know his own strength. It's very easy for others to say just get rid of him, I imagine easier said than done, but I would certainly impose a separation with immediate effect for your own safety and refuse access to you or the kids until he has successfully completed a course of therapy and anger management.