first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

As a previous sufferer of dv, please make your escape plans. This creature will tear you apart and you will end up doubting yourself and your beliefs and somehow it will all become your fault. You will make excuses for his behaviour and actions; just like I did.
I wasted about 6 years of my life on a nobody who quite honestly did not deserve me or my life.
He alienated me from my friends and almost my family. If I had not got out when I did I would have been dead now.

I think you are still in shock, and rightly so. Please try not to focus on anything other than keeping yourself and your kids safe. You can move forward one step at at time, without focussing on the far future. All of the people on this thread are mentioning womens aid, so make that the one step you take tomorrow.

You say in your last post that you are not worried about him coming back. This is a man who has punched you unconscious. I am a fairly average bloke, but I'd be scared if someone capable of doing that to me was coming back. And obviously the children are much more vulnerable. He absolutely must stay away from you and seek help for his problems.

For the sake of your children it is absolutely unforgivable to give him a second chance .

For what it's worth it is very difficult to ' unlearn ' and change behaviour .
Counsellors aren't really there to ' change ' behaviour . Counsellors try to raise awareness within people of how they may be able to improve their lives .
CBT can help people to adapt their behaviour - but I'm afraid in your husbands case CBT would not be a viable option.
You see the way you describe him is somebody with an antisocial personality .
CBT will not change an antisocial personality.
Nothing will.
It is a very entrenched pattern of behaviours.
When you described your DH being in ' denial ' after he hit you - that wasn't denial.
It was lack of remorse .

J4J I do hope the visit with SS went well and you felt they were people you could talk to and who would help you.

Don't forget to look after you as well as the children. Try to rest, eat properly and drink plenty of fluids.

Don't give him a second chance. Even if it's the most terrifying thing you've ever had to do, just leave him. Stop thinking about it: just accept that the hundreds of posts on here, all saying the same thing, are correct, even if it "feels" uncomfortable at the moment. Look at it as an act of faith. You don't need to microanalyse this or agonise over the details. Just get out. You'll have plenty of time to mull it over later but right now, time is of the essence. Just get out.

I don't think a thread has ever got to me as much as this one. I can feel your struggle J4J and also your shock and anguish.

You need support and sadly that support should be parental but in this case he's closed off that avenue for you.

Talk to us. I'm not a man hater. Inbeautifulplace is a man and says the same as us. We're not hysterically screaming leave the bastard. I'm calmly saying this should not have happened to you and shouldn't again

As someone else said if a man hit you in the street like this...would you invite him for tea with your children?

A husband should behave far better and above... that of a stranger

Patrick Stewart the actor's account of the effect of seeing his mum hit by his Dad.

J4J it can happen in any family.

It has happened to you

Your Dcs need safety, it's your job to provide it. their father will not.

J4J. would you consider seeing your gp. You sound deeply traumatised, quite understandably. You NEED real life help here, probably counselling to help you deal with the flashbacks, and you must NOT let him back in your house for now.

Don't think about the future. That will take care of itself. Think about right now, and what you need for yourself, right now at this very moment.

I totally understand how you must be feeling, I have been in a similar place, lots of us have. We can hold your hand on here, but you must get some real life help, today.

Maybe your health visitor? Is there a clinic you can drop into today? There will be one somewhere. Go and get some help sweetheart. I wish we could airlift you out and wrap you up.

J4J, you think he's in denial. What exactly does that mean? I think it means that he values his own self-image very strongly. That would mean that his idea of himself is of someone who doesn't punch his wife in the face, and knock her unconscious in front of his kids. He is valuing his self-image so strongly that none of the evidence in front of him counts. That means that he will continue to look on himself as the type of man who doesn't do that. Which means he will not have to make any effort whatsoever to hold himself in check. Which means, I'm afraid that there is nothing to stop him doing it again.

So, he will go on. Things will blow over. He will continue to think of himself as that fine, upstanding chap who doesn't hit his wife and terrorize his children.

The only way he can change is to use the professional help that is out there. Don't even think that you can do it because it's incredibly dangerous to try to get someone like this to change their self-image. It must be done in a safe place by people who are trained to do it. Reactions can be very very strong.

Make yourself and your children safe.

I would add, my h has been in therapy for over a year now. NOTHING about his self image, and view if himself in the world has changed in the slightest. Not a jot.

And he is unusual in that he even went for therapy in the first place! He is also waiting for a place on a perpetrator programme, but because of funding cuts, can't get on one. And in the meantime, I have children to raise, in a non violent, non abusive environment.

He cannot be our problem. I can't get inside his head and rewire him...only he can do that, and only if he wants to, and only if he accepts that he needs to.

When you are feeling a bit better, there are a squillion books and websites to look at. But that is not for today. Today is about you and your precious babies.

j4j, you need to go speak to counsellor, flashbacks etc it's post traumatic stress etc.

for now your only response is to tell him "you not coming back"

way down the line if he understands why you saying this then frank and open discussion with a third party - who knows...

when i said before take one month away - it was for you to have clear in your mind - dont even think about the future or second chances for at least one month. make a clear break no contact for one month at least. gives you time to talk thru.

DC if they want to see him - only strictly supervised ask SS help in arranging this .

however much he begs, pleads. second chances come after years....not days or weeks....

and the additional information you have given in your posts suggest far deeper longer term issues in your relationship that go way beyond a complete one off - especially your comments on how he rough handles the dc and you ahve to protect them from him. that signifies a far far deeper problem and significant risk and danger to your DC.

you need to get stronger in your mind and talk to somone in rl to go thru what happened over and over til you understand how wrong it all was. and talk about ho he deals with the DC. this is less about you and more about protecting the DC. youc an take on that role - or if not then others will have to.

in a month without him wihtout even discussing second chances and fogivenness....you will see clearer - and hopefully make the long term decisions you need to make.

talk thru with profressionals like womens aid like a family therapist like a counsellor.

you shoudl not be discussing with him right now.

the only thing to say to him is "you beat me up and landed me in hospital. you terrified the DC. there is no coming back or forgiveness"

dont talk or text or email except concrete arrangements financial .

it isnt about forgivenss - with timeacepting what happened and moving on. but everything has changed now. you cannot go back.

singing I'm really glad ( well no I'm not glad iyswim ) that your story about DH backs up what I said about antisocial men and counselling .
Sadly I find myself at the point now where I may need to hide this thread .
I do understand that there is a very complex psychology with DV victims.
But OP as a mother our first and foremost job is to protect our children and keep them physically and psychologically safe .

Until you leave this man you are failing in your responsibilities as a mother , and you are complicit in the emotional abuse of your children .

This may sound harsh but the welfare of your children are paramount .

DH attended an incident where a young boy had been severely beaten .
It transpired that the child had silently watched his mother be abused by his father. Father had never touched the children .
This particular day the boy dared to speak and asked his father to stop, when father began being cruel to mother .
Father picked up a cricket bat and beat his son within an inch of his life.

Please don't let this be your child.

I'm sorry if this seems like scaremongering but your situation is so very life and death for you all .

At the very least it's the death of childhood for your little ones .

I really hope you muster the courage to leave and I hope you find safety and happiness .

Please please listen to the people on here .

i just re read OP s last post and realised she says "this is the first time he has hit me with such force"

this is not an isolated incident is it OP?

Have you called womens aid yet?

That isn't what she wrote Vicar. She said: "It really is the first time he has hit me but with such force and i look a mess."

So it is the first time but he hit her really, really hard.

"Until you leave this man you are failing in your responsibilities as a mother , and you are complicit in the emotional abuse of your children"

I agree with Nanny

OP You've said:

"Is this unforgivable or is there a way of giving him a second chance?"

"Can it be unforgivable but still keep a relationship" Is that really important at this point when your child thought you were dead? at the hands of her own father?

Its like you're trying to find some sort of loophole to justify taking him back.

Im really sorry OP, I hope that you get help for you and your children. I have to hide this thread as it seems that you dont seem to be taking in some of the fantastic advice that MNers are giving to you.

I agree with everyone else OP :( get rid of this person. All I can think of is your little four year old and how terrified she must have been. Once is once too much.

I say this as a separated mother to 4 dc under 7. If you are scared how you will manage on your own, you will. Protect yourself and most of all, protect your children by getting him out.

As a child i witnessed my dad beating my mum , i was very young when it started and i can clearly remember things he shouted and things he did i'm 35 now !
When i got older i hated my dad for doing that and hated my mum even more for the hell that was our childhood.
I then walked straight into an abusive relationship and lived in denial for many years as i was never knocked out or anything that bad just bruises, eventually once i had my children i decided i couldn't let them witness what i did as a child and left.
Don't think for one minute your kids won't remember cause they will ,if you let him back they will see it as been the norm and may find themselves in abusive relationships later on.
My mum feels such guilt now and i would never forgive myself if my sons did this to their wives or my daughter was been knocked about ,so hopefully ive stopped the cycle now cause i left .
I sometimes wish he had knocked me out first time as it would of told me all about my future and the 16 years i spent with him.

im sorry if i have misread,

doesnt really change anything though, does it. The fact is that OP does not even realise that she has been conditioned into thinking that this has just come out of the blue, after 10 years, she does not realise that her relationship has been abusive for some time.

i said my piece both professionally and personally up thread. I hope J4J find the strength and courage to
phone these people

No, it doesn't change anything, it's still fucking dreadful :(

But I just thought I'd point it out in case J4J was tempted to use it as a reason to ignore recent posts.

Forgot to say i'm only 2 months out of my marriage and the relief i feel i just can't describe .
I always said i wasn't scared but i bloody was as i was walking around on egghells half the time.
Go see your dr and get some councelling i did and i feel a lot better , also see cab they will advise on any benefits your entitled to it doesn't take that long to sort out ,i have all my finances sorted now.
You also get half an hour free legal advice i found once i had all the info it wasn't as frightening .
Funnily enough now i'm divorcing him i just see him as pathetic , once your out and clear your head you can look at the situation and see it for what it is.

"Until you leave this man you are failing in your responsibilities as a mother , and you are complicit in the emotional abuse of your children"

It was being told THIS that woke me up to the reality of my marriage. I grew up in an abusive house, h grew up in a disgusting, vile excuse for a family. MY CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER.

AND SO DO YOURS! Please don't allow those poor children to have their lives destroyed, because if you let this "man" back in your life, that is what YOU will be doing.

Please op, from the bottom of my heart, don't do that to your babies. Be the bravest you have ever been. Look at them when they sleep tonight, how perfect and precious. Please don't allow them to be hurt any more.