first time domestic violence advice wanted

[J4J]

Should he stay or leave? I am so confused. I am married to a usually loving husband and have 4 small children. 2 days ago he became unusually angry and punched me in the face - I was knocked unconscious. It happened in front of all the children. When I came round my 4 year old daughter was holding me and crying shouting wake up. When I looked at her her first words were 'oh mummy I thought you were dead'. This is out of character for my husband. He was initially in denial and told me to get off the floor and stop pretending. It was not until my dad phoned him at work the following day and told him I was in hospital getting x-rayed that I think he realised what he did. This is a first offence so the police after arresting him when he got back from work released him with a caution. Do I let him stay in the house now. Part of me still loves him very much and another part of me is completely shocked and upset. I am really hurting inside and want things just to be normal. Statistically it may happen again but I'm not sure it will as he is a good man who needs to manage his anger but yet he knocked me out....

fork He doesn't need to get a hotel. He knows he will be home by the weekend. The DC will be pleased to have their daddy back. Everything will be lovely for a few weeks. The DC won't understand their conflicting emotions. I'm betting the DH won't sit down and tell his DC that what he did was so very wrong. And all will be well for a while.
But the seed has been sown deep down in the DCs stomach. They now know that they can't trust the man who is supposed to protect them. And that seed will grow. Everytime there is a raised voice, a minor disagreement, evertime they even slightly misbehave, they will get that feeling inside, that it might happen again, that the man who is supposed to care for them could actually turn on them. But they won't be able to voice those fears.

Unfortuntely, Stick the OP's little dc already know that they can't trust the man who is supposed to protect them because he roughly manhandles them whenever they don't do what he tells them to do.

Sadly, I suspect that there may be considerably more that the OP is not admitting to herself about 'usually loving husband'.

Op. He knocked you out over a meal disagreement.

It may be the first time but it wont be the last. He's a loving man and a great dad so you'll forgive him, its a one off after all.

Then in a couple of months/years he'll hit you again. This time you might get a black eye. Next time you might get all of your teeth broken. Maybe your children will start to dread waking up in the morning because they know they'll find smashed windows, holes punched in the wall. Or maybe there will be a big black mark on mum's bedroom door where she locked herself in and he tried to burn her out. Or maybe one night they'll find you thrown down the stairs and be cheerfully told to go back to bed, mum's just being naughty.

Perhaps when your children are old enough to "take a punch" (about 10) he may start hitting them too, because they are "naughty". Naughty being daring to look at him as they walk past, or crying when their grandad dies.

Seemingly good men can turn into monsters op. Protect your children and get him out. I dont mean to be harsh, but your children may never forgive you if you dont.

High achieving and high earning men who've been to the right schools and are blessed with social ease and grace can be the biggest monsters of all.

As they tend to have a wider vocabulary to choose their excuses/explanations/apologies from, they can be more convincing than their less financially and educationally fortunate counterparts - and, of course, it's far harder for others to get their brains round the fact that seemingly charming men are nothing more than common and garden bullies.

Saskiaa - you sound like you need some support but i don't think this thread is the right place for it. Please start your own one

Perhaps you need your own thread sask

Lying about DV is disgusting. It makes women/men really going through it, feel worse and not get the help they need.

Sometimes it's hard enough to accept it's happening without people fuelling that 'maybe it's not so bad' idea.

I don't know the OP but I had a stereotypical view of DV victims and perpetrators. I wasn't going to be that person which fuelled my denial more.

Oddly (because I thought I was avoiding it) I became more like that person whereas now I'm me, no secrets, no shame and an honest life

Shall we ignore and concentrate on OP.

OP- I really hope today is one step forwards to a better life. I'm sure you are going through hell. It will end. Be brave and do what you know is right rather than avoid it

Good plan .

How are you & your DC today OP?