What is the biggest /stupidest /worst lie your DH or DP has ever come up with ?

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Was talking with a friend earlier about some of the unreal lies H's come up with while trying to cover affairs - ranging from explaining a receipt for champagne and seafood sharing platter as 'lunch with one of the guys' to perfume smells on shirts being explained as fumes from the cashier at the petrol station !?! Anyone else got some classics they'd like to share ?

Shortly before my H and I split (before I'd articulated my decision, but when things were really dead in the water) he had gone to bed earlier and I when I went upstairs he'd left all the stuff from his pockets in the bathroom, including a piece of paper that said "Olga - nude massage" with a telephone number. I went through to our room, got him up and asked him what it was. His story, for a good 5 minutes, was trying to convince me that he'd been trying desperately to find a normal sports massage because he was sore from gym but that (and we live in London) was the only thing he could find.

When I questioned exH about sex lines he'd been phoning frequently, he said that he must of accidentally kept pressing redial on his mobile without realising!!

This is going to be a very funny thread.
Along those lines, when I found out my now ex was having sex with his ex girlfriend he said that she had forced herself on him while he was asleep.

H told me that a text from a male colleague's name that had kisses on it were from a girl at work who had been raped and he was helping her. He put a different name because he 'didn't want to bring it into the house' .. turns out it was the girl who'd been sending him flirty texts 4 months before..who he was having an affair with.. how sick is he to come up with that story???

When a coke snorting thing fell out of DH's pocket, a decade ago, he said that someone planted it knowing I would go mad!!

LW... That lie is almost worse than the affair.

"I'm not drinking. I don't smell of alcohol. If you think I do, you should go to the doctors as you clearly have something wrong"

Yes, clearly.

My exp started acting a bit strange one new year's eve (day time). He'd been trying to get out of our evening plans with friends all day and I was a bit pissed off with the whole situation. He took me in his arms, whispered in my ear that he had something to ask me and wanted me to say yes before he asked his question. I told him not to be silly and just come out with it. After stuttering, he spat out that he wanted to marry me.

Turns out that he actually wanted to go out without me with his new girlfriend - a fact he had ommited to discuss!

That wasn't the worst of it though,on another ocassion, he also told me he had cancer, didn't want me to worry and was going to see a specialist on his own. (In the Cotswolds, staying at the romantic hotel that we had stayed out - no imagination!!)

Both lies were foiled and the relationship ended with a great deal of pain but boy, am I much better off in all respects.

My ex-h told me he'd finished with his OW, just before he buggered off to the toilet with his phone, I caught the tail end of the conversation .......I love you too, now I have to sort out the miserable bitch! Yeah I starting divorce proceedings the day after

averyembarrassingq - OMG he told you had cancer!!!

My DH told me the text messages on a secret 2nd mobile were a lap dancer he was doing a/cs for (he is an accountant) to legitimize her earnings for mortgages etc and he didn't want to tell me as I wouldn't approve - you have got to admire the ingenunity

Well he lied by omission in that he didn't tell me he was having unprotected sex with anyone that stayed still long enough all the while we were trying for a baby . Luckily dd and I made it out in one piece.

The only truthful thing my 'D'H has said in the last year is that he wasn't looking for anyone else. but that's. due to the fact that he is 'in love' with someone he was already seeing!!

ExH:
'I've only had 2 pints'
'I didn't steal your purse'

"I need to go to this conference .. it's the culmination of my last two years work" .. when he confessed when caught he was at a hotel with the OW for 3!! days

When i saw a famous local hotel webpage up on his pc over his shoulder he said 'i'll have to cancel now, YOU'VE ruined the surprise'
Yeah, right. And when caught him red handed, ie the OW walked right past me, he said 'what woman? You're mad you are, what woman? Who? Where?'

Emma,

ExBF when I found a sexually explicit email from another woman dated the day he'd asked me to marry him.

'It's okay, she's been sending me those emails since before I met you. But I don't reply any more, I just ignore them.'

I'm in the Liarswife category.

What truth?

Mine denied infidelity via the net for 5 and a half years.

The worst for me was insisting that my 24 year old daughter only thought he was sex chatting OW (lots) on the net (as did I) , and only pointed out to me the dating site in his frequently visited sites because 'she likes a drama'.

Oh, and he said years ago (pre net days) that the porn mags I found under the stairs must belong to my then 14 yr old son.

And finally that I was only disbelieving him 'because I had nothing else in my life'. Coincidentally, I was out of work, and previously when I had foolishly believed him, I was not.

And even this last Monday, though I truly believe he wont use the net for sex again (you would not believe his remorse) , he said he had not bought tobacco for my 15 year old when we had agreed that he would not, and he let me call her downstairs to grill her about whether her friend had done it, before admitting it was him.

That last lie spurred such a rage the whole street heard me, and I dont believe now he will ever lie again.

Here's f...king hoping, anyway.

Sorry folks, lying is a sore subject here.

When my ex blamed me for his porn addiction (up to 6 hours per day!) because I'd bought him a laptop for his birthday.

Yeah, ok ...

shit...where shall i start? how about when he told me he was working away but was actually at a hotel with the ow on my wedding anniversary? Or the time he swore on our sons life he wasn't having an affair? (needless to say, I'm divorcing the cnut). The biggest lie? Still trying to get me back and saying he loves me. Nobody treats anyone they love like that!

That the dating websites he'd signed up for had bought his details from an online takeaway service.

Who tells a kebab shop their starsign and cock size?

That he was going to Texas 3x with work, and that I should be really pleased for him as work was going really well so he was getting all these great conferences and he would probably get a promotion out of it so we'd have more money.

No conferences. No money. Just crazy agoraphobic OW met on BDSM website.

Happily she married him, cleaned out all his cash and dumped him smartish.

I'm still amazed I fell for the lies for so long though.

Thisisnot, that is the first laugh I have had all day!