What is the biggest /stupidest /worst lie your DH or DP has ever come up with ?

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Was talking with a friend earlier about some of the unreal lies H's come up with while trying to cover affairs - ranging from explaining a receipt for champagne and seafood sharing platter as 'lunch with one of the guys' to perfume smells on shirts being explained as fumes from the cashier at the petrol station !?! Anyone else got some classics they'd like to share ?

What were the biggest /stupidest /worst lies you came up with when you were cheating on your dp prior to his 'offence' TwoPeas

Thisisnotmylife - you made me hoot!!! Lmao!

yes of course I have paid the bills/mortgage/car insurance... yes of course it is legal to drive, I then found out that car insurance and mortgage hadn't been paid for 3 months.

Him having an in depth conversation with the mortgage company on the landline trying to stop the house being repossessed, so simple for him to sort out of course, lots of 'ok great, no problem then' and him busily writing down figures. I picked up the extension and got the dialling tone so he's talking to himself.

A useless underling where he worked was caught by exH looking at porn on his computer, much feigned horror at the nasty man, exH had to go to the disciplinary hearing, underling was sacked.... funny coincidence though that when exH turned up at work the next monday morning apparantly the whole entire workforce was standing outside in the street scratching their heads unable to get in the building, bosses had done a bunk never to be seen again and they were now all out of work!

ExP disappeared one evening, the next day he said that he had gone to visit his daughter and his Ex had kept him prisoner by knife point so that he couldn't get out of the flat to come home ! He had no mobile phone to call anyone, many years ago. Needless to say I found out after that he was still seeing her.

My ex went to stay with his ex a few weeks into our relationship. Turns out he slept in her bed with her because he had a bad back. Never got to the bottom of what he was up to with her (he reckoned he'd only kissed her!) but I can well imagine.

Izzy the biggest lie I told him was that I was going for a drink with him (the 'other man') as a friend, which I was, but the night ended in me cheating on my partner. And I didn't tell my partner I'd cheated immediately, frequently wish I did though, would have saved wasted time feeling even more of a weaselly cunt. So does that count as lying by omission too? Hang on there's more; also I initially lied and downplayed what had happened, then gave full details about an hour later after an intense talk made me decide to stop wasting time as he was going to leave regardless, and I didnt want him to,which is why I'm on the lookout for further things coming to light from him. Is that OK? Have I been punished enough?

Your comment is fair enough, as I have been a liar and a cheater. However rest assured I have admitted what I did,what lies I told, been transparent with him, and also tried my fucking hardest to be objective through whats going on at the minute, read the posts if you can be arsed.

My ex used to lie to me all the time about everything but money was the big one.
No I didn't steal your chequebook & cash cheques at the local newsagent to buy cocaine.
No I didn't take £50 out of the cashpoint to pay that bill & spend it on scratch cards. You're going to look really stupid when you get a mini statement (standing behind me in the queue for the cashpoint).
I've been missing for 3 days because someone spiked my drink at work & I woke up in Severnoaks in Kent.
I've been missing for 2 days because my car key broke off in the lock & I had to sleep rough.
No I didn't steal a DVD from my employer & lose my highly paid job as a senior manager in a supermarket chain. It's unfair dismissal (even though they caught it on camera!) They've offered me my job back but I said no.
No I didn't clear your whole month's junior midwife's salary out of the bank on the day it came in leaving the mortgage & bills to bounce & no money for food or petrol so you can continue to travel 60 miles a day to work for nothing.

I left him & his parting words were "you'll never find anyone else like me you know!" Thank fuck for that I replied!

Said the porn on "family" pc was downloaded by his son, who happened to own a nice laptop, never used pc and was away at Uni anyway. Lying arse is now stbx.

OMG midwife99 That really does take the biscuit!

Ooh, just thought of another one. Found the room card key thing of a hotel in his shirt pocket. Said he had been so hot on drive home that he needed to stop have a shower. This hotel was only 30 miles from our house.

Great therapy thread for those that have been cheated. :)
The sarcastic comments written about the cheater make me giggle too :)

I honestly think my ex believed his own lies and that he didn't mean to hurt me. It made working out the truth somewhat bewildering until I realised I didn't have to bother.

The work colleague who was sexually obsessed with him was probably the funniest one. I met her a few times and she was a very nice and ordinary woman in her fifties. I'm 100% confident she wasn't a deviant who knew how to expertly manipulate sexual harassment legislation out of a yearning lust for him.

I just cracked up laughing. Why did I marry that man?!!!

An ex used to turn up late to collect me after work; cue moans about traffic, cost of his petrol and me waiting sometimes for over an hour in the rain (pre- my mobile days). Turned out he finished 2 hours before me every day and was on our computer at home looking up scat porn.
I used to think he was being kind getting the post while I lay in bed in the mornings (back when post arrived before work!) until it turned out he was hiding highly pricey specialised porn films.
He initially said "someone else must have been using our PC" when I found over 5,000 films/images all dated and timed showing women being treated like animals. Eventually agreed he "might" have a "small" addiction to porn...
Oh and he only went to strip clubs because his mate who was a marine "really needed it"
Charming guy!

Although these lies were all painful for us at the time it's fun to share now!! Lol

I found a load of porn dvds under the cushion of the sofa bed in the spare room (the cushion was the wrong way round and I'm a bit OCD) ... PRCK said he was keeping them for a friend! They were still there the next week so they all went in the bin..

The friend has never once been off with me considering I dumped his collection .. funny that!

I've definitely been arsed, TwoPeas and I've made a number of contributions to your thread which you don't seem to have been arsed to read as you seem to be on a mission to condemn rather than get your brain round why your dp may have acted as he has done.

I would imagine that feeling like a 'weaselly cunt' isn't a comfortable place to be for very long.

Just a thought, but could it be that your understandable righteous indignation at his behaviour owes something to the fact that occupying the moral high ground in a relationship is infinitely preferable than being relegated to the low ground?

Of course two wrongs don't make a right but they can serve to level the playing field, so to speak, so that the game can be replayed.

Oo I have a good one:

My ex promised me he had quit dealing when we started seeing eachother & that he'd never do it again. I then find a roll of money and some tiny "extra sensitive" electric weighing scales. I asked where he got them & he says he withdrew the money from his account, just "to see what a grand looked like". And the scales? He had borrowed them from a friend to weigh (our flatmate's) hamster as he "thought he was looking a bit fat".

Thing is if I think back, I know I was giving this face as he lied because tbh it just sounded like bullshit to me..and consequently he rarely lies now cos as soon as something that sounds even remotely like bs comes out of his mouth I just give him my 'I'm not buying that' face and he backtracks sharpish...
It's not just the lie is it tho, it's the fact they think we're stupid that often hurts just as much.

PMSL at weighing the hamster because it was looking a bit fat

I have one: 'now do you mean did I sleep with her or did I sleep with her?' - there is a difference you know

My vote is on the fat hamster and the kebab shop/cock measurements one!

That he had three daughters, which was why he could conveniently disappear every time one of them needed picking up from school / went on a playdate / fell over in the playground / needed to go to the doctor. The photos of the "daughters" were random people's kids... every other word that came out of his mouth was a lie, but making up kids is a proper sick-in-the-head corker.