What is the biggest /stupidest /worst lie your DH or DP has ever come up with ?

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Was talking with a friend earlier about some of the unreal lies H's come up with while trying to cover affairs - ranging from explaining a receipt for champagne and seafood sharing platter as 'lunch with one of the guys' to perfume smells on shirts being explained as fumes from the cashier at the petrol station !?! Anyone else got some classics they'd like to share ?

I was rather poorly recovering from an operation after being told I had potentially got cancer when my ex started using prostitutes.

Apparently though he did it for me so he didn't feel the need to bother me for sex... Which was nice of him!

The same ex also forgot to tell me he was engaged to another woman, when I found out, he claimed he thought he had told me and that my memory was shit.

Oh ladies, what a thread. It is like medicine.

I thought my h was specially troubled or different, but you have made me see they all lie under this kind of pressure!

I only hope women aren't just as bad. It would be great if a few blokes came on here to say.

Oh and there was "I was only unfaithful repeatedly because I knew YOU would be and wanted to get in first before I got hurt". WTAF?!

"Of course nothing is going on, she's gay." (But, it turns out, willing to make the occasional exception)

Or the time he told me that she'd dumped him, because "she didn't know he was married." (This was some time after he had left me, when he told me that she had said that he "should do everything you can to save your marriage.") I can only assume that this was the line agreed to protect her reputation as the whole sordid business was all starting to be made public...

Lmao at punkatheart.. that's prolly the biggest whopper they tell and sadly the one we all fall for...
What about...no those aren't long blonde hairs on the sofa, next doors cat must have been in and shed...
What the black and white moggy? So it was wearing a blonde wig at the time then and wtaf ??? Obviously they think cos we're girls we're not capable of putting two and two together lol

Another one here who got told by an ex-boyfriend that he "must have got his genital warts from me", because "I had had more sexual partners than him". The facts that:

a) He had spent 4 months in the UK (and me staying in New Zealand), he did not have them before, and came back with them...

b) I had never had had them myself, and...

c) I never subsequently suffered from them after that...

...were not enough to make him change his story.

Fortunately, I dumped him before he could pass them on to me. I bet he still tells his new girlfriends I gave them to him.

Oh, and another good one from an ex of mine:

Me: "who were you talking to on the phone? Was it your ex?"
Him: "No, it was a guy from work"

Unfortunately for him, he failed to notice he had been talking to her with the hands-free switched on.

How about 'She looks like a lesbian and I only wrote that (in the romantic text message sent at 5am in the morning on way home from night out) to make her feel better'?

Was lied to every day for 15 months, so it's hard to pick the best one! Think the most inventive was leaving the house at 5 or 6am for a "breakfast meeting" (ie quick shag at OW's house before work). The worst were when he was on the phone to me while he was actually with her (on a "work trip"; last year between Christmas and New Year when he spent the day with her unfortunately had to go into the office at the last minute.) The craziest was when, crying, he told me it had been over for ages - I had the bloody phone bill in my hand and could see they'd been talking the day before!

Hmm, this is why I have been avoiding MN! We're working through it really we are, but am cross all over again now. Fortunately DH is asleep

One that springs to mind is when I overheard ExP on the phone to OW very late one night when he thought I was in bed:

"Trouble is MsMarple is so sensitive, she'd fall apart if I left her"

Um no, think you'll find I was just fine without you. Much better in fact!

I didn't steal your car, driving licence and passport. :(

*license

1st time-- I'll never do it again (cheat)
2nd time-- I'll never do it again
3rd time-- ditto
4th time-- again ditto
5th, 6th and 7th same again. After the 7th he never did because I came to my senses and kicked the prick out

God men are shit. Seriously. Weak too.

A gay male friend of mine once said to me (about his relationship) "The only reason I cheat is because I was cheated on once and I'm determined never to feel like I didn't get there first."
My response: "You stupid cunt."

Not an ex but this thread has reminded me of the worst lie I've ever been told which was when I was in the middle of my GCSE's and my dad told me he had cancer. My mum had asked him to wait 2 weeks until my exams were finished but he 'didn't know if he'd still be alive by then'. It was a load of bollocks designed so that he could go round his family and ask to have his inheritance before he died. Part of this included a family holiday to say goodbye which me and my DB, his only children, weren't invited on. Unsurpringly we haven't spoke since and he's still alive 9 years later unfortunately

Whiter

This is from my ex:

Background - I'd just had to have a cone biopsy & colposcopy for pre-cancer. Quite a bit cut out.

Three weeks later, ex is behaving very oddly. When pulled up about it - "I think I've got cancer", sob, sob. I say that we'll do everything we can to help if he books an appointment and we get to see the doctor as soon as.... Cue 2 weeks later: Me - have you booked that doctor's appointment yet? Cue ex with a sneer on his face: No, the problem has gone now. It must have been something I caught from you....

Doubly hurtful as I'd had tests done while having the colposcopy done etc.....

1st serious relationship (He was a rep)

Him: I have to go on some guys leaving do from Hull.
Me: Why you only see him once a month?
Him: It is expeceted of me to go and I talk on the phone to him lots.
Me: You always talk to him when you are sat on the driveway in the car why?
Him: So you aren't listening in he's having a rough time at the moment and you don't need to worry about it.
Me: Is X going to be there, the one that you said you thought was really pretty, you know the one from Finland?
Him: I never said she was pretty and how could you know she's from Finland.
Me: Because you told me.
Him: No I didn't you must have heard it somewhere else and anyway she isn't pretty and i've had to book a hotel because its too far away to drive home that late.

Cue to the next day him coming home with an enourmous (completely out of character) bunch of flowers and a huge smug smile on his face. Thank god he moved back to the other side of the world. PRICK.

Also had to endure his withdrawal and depression when the Finnish girl went back to Finland. Coincidentally the phone calls to the male friend stopped about this time! PRAT!

2nd serious relationship

Me: Were you driving through town today?
Him: No I told you I had to go to Manchester I wasn't in town.
Me: My aunt said she saw you driving my car with a blonde girl in the front.
Him: She was mistaken, it can't have been me and any blonde hairs must be yours.

Cue to three weeks later getting a speeding ticket from Leeds city council with a picture of him in my car with a blonde in the front! .
At least he had the forsight to screw someone with the same colour hair! Another PRICK!

DH's best men couldn't organise a knees up in a brewery let alone a stag do, so I being the dutiful wife to be organised a surprise stag do for him with all the trimmings he wanted, (paintballing, white water rafting etc). Upon his return

Me: Hi honey did you have a nice time
Him: Yeah the best thank you
(long conversation about everything they did gets round to the evening's entertainment)
Him: They dressed me up in an Ann Summers Nurses costume (He's 6ft 4" and built like a rugby player)!
Me: That must have looked funny
Him: Yeah they wouldn't let us in any clubs
Me: Did you go to a strip club
Him: Absolutely not, I would never go anywhere like that!

Cue to the week before the wedding, I was phoning round the family telling them that i'd found out I was pregnant when his aunt (who none of her family had attended the stag do) told me that she thought I was doing really well dealing with DH going to a strip club! .

Turns out he had two private dances alone in a pvc nurses costume whilst his balls were hanging out! I came very close to calling off the wedding and we lived apart for most of the week before.

I got over it in the end and forgave him. Rule 1 no stips clubs ever again!! Rule 2 he doesn't see much of his prat mates that 'forced' him to have private dances.

So far it works! Still a Prat though, but the best of a bad bunch!

My ex H was an astonishing liar. When he wanted to leave a job rather than hand his notice in like a normal person would he told them that his father had died and he had to move out of the area

What made it worse was it was that week that we found out his father had renal failure.

I only found out about the lie when a woman from his work rang to offer her condolences and he got a card in the post from other colleagues offering their sincerest condolences at 'the loss of his father'.

That was one of his better moments - believe me he got worse.

Cunt.

Him: I'm off out for a beer with 'guy from work' he's getting married next week..
Me: cool no worries
Turns out he was meeting an 18 year old lass he knew...she was bored be said.. and they'd spent 4 hours walking in the rain acting like 10 year olds to cure her boredom (splashing in puddles and the like) while i sat at home with our colicky 2 week old..
his excuse for not telling me the truth? Cos i wouldnt have liked it..he was trying not to hurt me..
Ah the lies they tell to protect our feelings..we should be grateful really
I'm still with the Creator of all these whoppers by the way...

"'D'P, what the fuck is this porn-looking file you have downloaded? Entitled "Real Drugged Rape"? Apparently showing a young Asian woman being raped whilst drugged?"

"I err umm clicked on it out of curiosity, it's not real just wanted to see what it's about"

"Did you download and save it to wank over/have you already wanked whilst watching it?Did you search for it specifically"

"No it doesnt turn me on its just curiosity. Came up on a random 'porn' search"

Then later admitted he 'wanted to wank over some rough sex' (rape is rough sex?!) and did indeed specifically search for 'rape' and picked that to save. Grim liar.

Plus he registered on 3 different dating websites, is still claiming thats only curiosity, not to get a date?! Surely the whole POINT of registering/even looking at all is to get a 'date'? Whilst Im now a day off being 31 weeks pregnant with his 3rd child???so i'm waiting to see what time will tell. This thread is so depressing! Strong women here though

OMG Seachange! We are 3 years post OW and I have just realised from what you said the breakfast meetings have stopped!!!!