What is the biggest /stupidest /worst lie your DH or DP has ever come up with ?

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Was talking with a friend earlier about some of the unreal lies H's come up with while trying to cover affairs - ranging from explaining a receipt for champagne and seafood sharing platter as 'lunch with one of the guys' to perfume smells on shirts being explained as fumes from the cashier at the petrol station !?! Anyone else got some classics they'd like to share ?

He kept repeating it over and over, he took two days to admit that it was bollox.

The other one was that he went to a prostitue as he thought she might be able to cure his 'ED'.

He was meeting my good friend to "arrange a surprise party" that never appeared and they got together shortly after we split, went on to get married and have a baby together. Took me a long time to twig afterwards

I forgot one (of millions) - after we split, exH told me he had hepatitis so I had to be tested.

Fucking fucker.

Sorry that was a bit condensed - he was caught meeting her secretly and that was the reason he gave. I believed it and he said there was no point in having the party and then you now know the rest

"I've had a drink but I haven't been drinking"

WTF?

Itsallgone and Natasha - he told me he had cancer after my sister died of cancer. I was still grieving for her.

That the dating websites were not for the purpose I thought, but I wouldn't understand.

Thisisnotmylife

That if you click on someone's pic on facebook it automatically saves it to your phone when questioned why he had female work colleagues in their undies on his phone...yeah...right...

Or..or..stop being so paranoid, I always had this pin on my phone... when I'd seen him use it countless times without putting a pin in first...
Seriously they either think they're so awesome at lying we'll buy any bullshit they feed us or they actually think we're that thick..

Yep, it's the insult to your intelligence that gets me.

Just so many general acts of day to day heroism and being the saviour of everyone it would take too long to list even the few I can remember, it got to be very boring. Mates with the rich and famous of course.
He got a tropical blood disease from a cranefly. In England. Like you do.
Happy to blame his teenage son for phone sex line numbers showing on the phone bill if that counts as a lie, think it does.
He told the OW that our house had been raided by dozens of police trying to extradite him to the US and that he'd broken a policeman's wrist in the ensuing hoo ha. Funny I never noticed that happening, must have been at the shops.

'Why yes, I did pay the rent, I can't imagine why the landlady is on the phone going apeshit'

'My wife hates me, that's why I'm dumping this job' (not: my wife wants to leave and ask me to pay half our mortgage, which will mean less drinking money)

"must have been at the shops"

'I had to shag my ex behind your back because she was going to kill herself if I didn't

Hmmmmm

My XP tired and tested line was.... "It wasn't a lie, I just didn't tell the truth" !!

or "I'm not drunk (9 am) it's a panic attack"

Or "It's not a love bite, this guy a work placed the hoover on my neck for a laugh"
........... Oh HOW funny!! Now please leave my house. lol

I've heard the hoover one! Not from my DP but a mate of mine had it.

That he'd probably caught the genital warts from me

My H tried to move a 21 year old part time burlesque dancing tart girl we knew into our house, saying that I should take her under my wing and mother her; she needed help. WTF?

My H did die of cancer releasing me from a hell hole of a relationship poor sod

Great thread btw

these are just awful

I LOVE YOU

I WILL NEVER HURT YOU

He had to share a hotel room with OW because his male friend snores