What is the biggest /stupidest /worst lie your DH or DP has ever come up with ?

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Was talking with a friend earlier about some of the unreal lies H's come up with while trying to cover affairs - ranging from explaining a receipt for champagne and seafood sharing platter as 'lunch with one of the guys' to perfume smells on shirts being explained as fumes from the cashier at the petrol station !?! Anyone else got some classics they'd like to share ?

Me: DH, have you started smoking again?
Him: No of course not, I would tell you if I had, cant believe you are asking.
Me: why do you have a bag full of empty fag packs in the wardrobe then?
Him: They are my mates, i picked them up off the table in the pub to tidy up as we were leaving.
Me:you had better tell your "mates" its cheaper to buy them in 20s!!!
Him: (nodding solmenly) yes you're right,i will pass that on.

You know, as crazy as it sounds, I didn't realise until now that the fat hamster episode IS actually quite funny.

He used to lie so much, I'd have just disproved one lie & he'd be onto the next. It was pretty exhausting. Even when cornered he'd rarely tell the truth (even the hamster lie - he'd be adamant he was telling the truth then get angry). I was young, he was quite a bit older, didn't seem it (I know, I know).

Anyway. Cheers for starting this thread. You've made me realise I can now look back and laugh What A Fuckwit

He had a brain tumour
He grew up on a farm
He was some kind of sas secret agent

@NotlivingtheDream .. I got verbally attacked when I asked Liar if he was smoking again .. and I found lighters , tobacco etc all over the house ..

I knew he was lying - his lips were moving!

Not cheating related, but my DP has never changed our 2.5yo DSs nappies and when properly confronted about it claimed to have 'a real phobia, like people have for spiders' :D

That the number I'd found on the itemised phone bill wasn't his ex GF's, but a wrong number.

Me: So why did you spend over an hour talking to a wrong number ?
Him: Ok, it was her but it was a phone box.
Me: So it'll be ok if I ring it now, it'll just be a phone box right ?
Him: No don't ! It's her mum and dad's house!

Twit !

Fat hamsters, kebabs shop cock size and special post strikes for the army.