What is the biggest /stupidest /worst lie your DH or DP has ever come up with ?

[squittypolitti]

Was talking with a friend earlier about some of the unreal lies H's come up with while trying to cover affairs - ranging from explaining a receipt for champagne and seafood sharing platter as 'lunch with one of the guys' to perfume smells on shirts being explained as fumes from the cashier at the petrol station !?! Anyone else got some classics they'd like to share ?

'It's a new type of reverse spam, you know, like all the penis enlargement stuff, only your email account sends it instead of receiving it. I can't believe you don't trust me!'

to be fair i have had my email account hacked so that it sends out this kind of stuff - but you can generally tell lol

I'm wondering what the initial attraction was for the women involved - these men sound like idiots. (I particularly enjoyed the 'fat hamster' btw).

love is blind - for a bit anyway

Yep, all my contacts received a lovely 'buy viagra' email from me last week, no idea how.

I was young, innocent & bowled over by an American 7 years older who was charismatic & seemed so worldly wise. When I grew up I realised he was a twonk!

Yeah another young innocent one here

I almost peed myself with the "fat hamster" one

"but we were on a break...."

fuck that, mate

I have blocked all the lies my ex told me from my memory and have no desire to bring them up again. They were ridiculous to the extreme though. He would explain why he had no money by saying he got mugged. At least once a month

Luckily I am now with a lovely man who doesn't lie.

The fat hamster is phenomenally funny. Sorry

@ fat hamster

My ex (when I was 18) cleaned up his drug weighing scales and gave them to his Mum for Christmas

A different ex was a real Walter Mitty and made everything up from having a child who had died of leukemia to being a doctor and so many other things - the hospital he worked at had never heard of him. He was very plausible and I was so gullible.

Another had been in the army jail for armed robbery.

I have shocking taste in men.

DH forgot to post my Birthday card and made up some elaborate lie about the postmen being on strike and refusing to collect from the area, when I called him on it (had done some digging) he said it was a secret strike and was only on the army base and nowhere else, was kept secret to save the army wives getting upset! offered him a shovel to dig himself further into his lie lol

Till death us do part.

oh my goodness - i hope none of you are still with these men!

Hahahahahhahahhahahaahahhaha @ the hamster. The image! Priceless!

Yeah, I like the kebab shop/cock/starsign one, too.
Indeed, this morning I was cycling to work (in Japan) and as I was going up a hill, I remembered it and burst out laughing. Some high school kids looked at me funny.

My dh told me he couldn't possibly be having an affair with his OW because she 'reminded him of his mother'. Thus adding an apparent desire for incest to his infidelity. Of course he knew that I would find that hard to challenge as his mother had died a few years earlier. It was a bit stupid though because I knew he was having an affair, I don't know who he was trying to fool.

It agree it's not just the deceit, but the disdain for your intelligence and perception.

An ex told me that he was moving out to stay in a flat with people who he would be working with and he had been told he HAD to take a bottle of champagne as it was part of his induction. Of course he had no money (been out of work for a while) so I had to buy this bottle. God I resisted and resisted and resisted but he was so persistent and in the end I caved but bought the cheapest bottle of cava.
The lies are insulting - and make you feel even more shit when you fall for them.

DH - the worst he has told me was that the reason his Blackberry died was he jumped in the lake to save his fishing rod, which he'd dropped. Bollocks! He jumped into the lake to save our 3yo DS, who was being held by MIL who had lost her footing and was half-drowning - after me telling him that I didn't want her taking him in the lake because it wasn't safe. I found out the next day when I overheard him telling the true story to his work (it was a work Blackberry and he needed a new one) - to give him some credit, he didn't try and blag his way out of it once he realised the game was up.

I had the cancer one :( told me he was in hospital for treatment, didn't want me to visit etc...

...I found out he'd actually been abroad...

...He said he'd gone abroad for treatment because UK cancer treatment 'wasn't good enough'

...I found out he didn't have cancer after all...

...Then said he'd been on holiday with his 'lesbian aunt' (!)

...Showed me a load of holiday pics, with no 'lesbian aunt' in any of them...

...Turns out it was a dirty weekend with his OW...

...Which he'd borrowed several hundred pounds from me to pay for.

Some of these are lies are funny but they're also so damaging. This ex completely knackered my natural trust in the goodness of human nature and TBH I think it's almost ruined me WRT having a healthy, secure relationship in the future.

When I found out XP kissed a mutual friend, "But we agreed this was an open relationship!"

Did we? I must have missed that memo...

Thumbwitch - that is horrifying!

I love that idea that even in Japan people are laughing at my numpty ex!

Going on holiday with his ex partner and his kids, but thinking I wouldn't find out. Saw the holiday snaps with his ex in them.He said it was a person with kids who he met there. He even told his kids to lie to me on their return.

When he couldn't deny it any more his reasoning was spotted ex woman in supermarket with a glowing tan

"she can't cope with the kids on her own"

That was two years of my life i'll never get back wasted on that prick.