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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what is wrong with DH? Why is he so nasty?

142 replies

amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:12

So this morning at 6.45 am (i.e. not particularly early in our house as have 2 young dcs) ds2 wakes up - I take him into bed for a few mins as is normal in our house, but then he wants to go downstairs.

I am pregnant with dc3 am feeling completely shattered some of the time (i.e. this morning) so asked him to ask Daddy to take him down.

Cue DH screaming "Get the hell out" to ds2 (ds1 was already in our bed as was under the weather and needed some tlc) and screaming "YOU LAZY COW" to me several times. Even though I said that I was pregnant and therefore really tired and that it wasn't particularly early, and that I hadn't slept for some of the night due to ds1 being up and I couldn't get back to sleep..

btw, I work full time, quite long hours and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. (although we do have a live-out nanny during working hours) .. so how I can be a lazy cow doing basically everything at home, working full time, looking after 2 dcs and being pregnant is beyond me! He hasn't apologised all day. Later he said that I was "like one of those fat women who won't get off the settee all day" -which he repeated several times. In fact, I don't think I ever even sit down on the sofa for more than two mins as am usually busy working / tidying / playing with the dcs etc etc. Whereas he doesn't do a thing around the house (although does play with the dcs) and frequently sits on the sofa for hours.

I don't know what to do. How can I leave him with 2 young dcs and a third on teh way? Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/01/2012 23:15

your husband sounds like an abusive man, I am so sorry x

BurningBridges · 21/01/2012 23:16

OMG what a tosser. Sorry I can't say anything helpful but someone will be along in a minute to be more constructive. You must be superhuman to put up with that - is he always like this?!

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/01/2012 23:20

how can you leave? you find out what your rights are, you ring the CAB, you book an appointment with a solicitor and you kick his abusive arse out or into touch, and you make that his choice.

your DH sounds like a horrible person to live with. He needs a wake up call and perhaps its time you gave him it.

it will be very hard to do it but i think its what he needs.

The only time i ever felt like leaving was the wake up call my DH needed - but i fully intended to go through with it if he hadnt responded. I think you need to do the same.

How long has he behaved like this?

solidgoldbrass · 21/01/2012 23:23

What a shitbag. Has he been like this for a long time? I rather expect he has, or at least getting steadily less nice, probably since the first DC arrived.
If he's always previously been lovely and this is a sudden change from nice man to fucknugget, then there will be a reason. Which could be stress/depression/bang on the head, but could also be something else.

ToothbrushThief · 21/01/2012 23:23

How can I leave him with 2 young dcs and a third on teh way?

I think the question is HOW can you stay?

Seriously?

ToothbrushThief · 21/01/2012 23:26

Some men do turn during pregnancy because the woman is vulnerable and less likely to kick them out.

They behave like shits and set a precedent

Once set it's hard to find the momentum to go back to a point in your life when you were happy and knew you had the right to be so

bejeezus · 21/01/2012 23:28

You can leave with dcs and pregnant-you are doing it all anyway. IME it is easier without them- no one running you into they ground/abusing you. One less person to fetch and carry for. Good luck x

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:28

He is horrible - btw, re the fat comment, I'm not even fat (not that it would make any difference anyway) - but I'mm of pretty slim build, and yes, amd around 20 weeks' pregnant, but even then, it's all bump and nothing changed anywhere else.

Just tried to discuss it with him again and he won't apologies - says I'm only upset because I know it'e true. wtf?? Also called me a miserable f*ck.
Of course I'm miserable! (although not really showing it as I'm sadly way too used to this) - who wouldn't be!?

Vicarinatutu- he's been like this pretty much since we got married several years ago, but it's got worse over the years I think .. although also better in some ways.. I'm not sure why I never left - he always seems to improve for a period (like now -we've just a had a good few weeks) and that bang, out of nowhere, he acts like a complete sh**. always seemed to be pregnant / with young baby etc.. and not feeling strong enough in myself to leave. And the dcs adore him - literally - I don't know what they would do without him Sad

OP posts:
peeriebear · 21/01/2012 23:29

You have the answer right there with him screaming at your DS, and screaming at you in front of both DSs. Leaving may seem the harder option but think how things will be stepped up a notch by the addition of a new demanding baby.

peeriebear · 21/01/2012 23:30

His parenting does not stop if you separate. You will be free from his emotional abuse though.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:33

I think part of it is yes, toothbrushthief, he will turn when he knows I'm unlikely to kick him out (i.e. all of the last 5 years, on and off).. I guess before then I worked such long hours that I barely saw him - which was for the best.. but it meant we never really got to the bottom of him being so nasty..

He also works ft, so I'm not saying he's lazy himself - but he's just so unbelievably unsupportive and downright abusive sometimes. I don't think he sees any problem He's always asking me to apologise (i.e. today) Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:34

It is so hard with the dcs as later this morning ds1 said (in front of dh and ds2) - 'Mummy, do you like Daddy?' and I know it is bad parenting, but I said 'No, I don't'.

OP posts:
BurningBridges · 21/01/2012 23:35

I feel so bad for you, I bet you want to run away and find some place where its all OK. Are you going to try to talk to him again tomorrow? DH and I went to Relate when I was pregnant with DD2; but do you know what you want? Can you and DCs stay with someone for a few days till you get your head together? Or can you tell him you'd like him to leave for a few days?

susiedaisy · 21/01/2012 23:36

Good lord, he was either in a foul mood (no excuse) or he's a nasty Pratt, I think to have two dc be preg with third work full time and do most housework you need a bloody medal there's no way I could manage that, in fact if you can do all of that on your own would you notice if he didn't live there anymore?

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/01/2012 23:40

i understand that you feel trapped but thats why he is doing it - he thinks he has carte blanche to abuse you and you will do nothing about it.

Can you really continue to live like this?

He can still be a daddy to his children if you separate. That doesnt change. It might actually benefit your children because i cannot imagine the atmosphere in your house is all that great....

you work full time. You have a house. See a solicitor and just find out what rights you have. You would be ok you know.

pipsqueak · 21/01/2012 23:41

you would be doing your dc a favour if you leave - horrible for them growing up with this ... please try and leave for them if things are like you describe on anything like a regular basis Sad

susiedaisy · 21/01/2012 23:41

In answer to your last question' how can I leave him with 2 dc' etc You don't leave him op he leaves the house and you carry on raising your kids and running the home much like you're already doing

bejeezus · 21/01/2012 23:42

You dont know what your kids will do without him?

Well, they won't grow up with your relationship as a template for their future relationships, for a start. You will set a very good example in self-respect and show them that you should not tolerate that kind of treatment in a relationship

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:42

thing is, when he's not here (working late / away with friends or work etc.) most of the time it's a lot easier - don't have to clean up all of his mess (he's incredibly untidy and will never put anything in the bin - if I left it there it would literally stay there for a year).. plus it's very balanced with the dcs (i.e. they are not over-stimulated, fed too many sweets etc.).
BUT, when the dcs miss him, or we're having a bad day, or when they are ill, I really need him and I appreciate him so much at those times. And he can be really supportive at times like that - it;s like Jekyll and Hyde.
I have spoken about leaving him frequently recently (with my Mum etc.) but then he had pulled through at times when I really needed him to and it doesn't make up for all the bad things but it does make me think or realise that I actually do need him and rely on him.

OP posts:
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 21/01/2012 23:45

You do deserve a medal .

Please get in touch with the CAB.

I can't see how you will survive this in the long term . You deserve better and life is too short.

BurningBridges · 21/01/2012 23:47

but you can still be parents together - you know Relate or various other counselling services see women alone and give advice on families and separation as well, as Vicar said earlier, he can still be a daddy - and also as Vicar said, see a solicitor and find out what can be done.

susiedaisy · 21/01/2012 23:47

Of course you would miss him at times, but you need to weigh it all up really, and staying in a toxic relationship just because when the kids are ill and you've run out of milk he helps out doesn't quite cut it IMO only you know op if it's worth it in the long run, sounds like you've already got three kids Sad

ElusiveCamel · 21/01/2012 23:48

Do your children hear him talk to you like this? Do they see you after he's spoken to you like this? Do you have to fake your emotions in front of them when your husband is being like this to pretend everything is normal?

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 21/01/2012 23:48

You also rely on having 2 arms but you could learn to manage with 1 arm.

ToothbrushThief · 21/01/2012 23:50

ami - I was you.

I desperately wanted it to work. He wasn't bad all the time. The DC loved him.

Basically my happiness was the sacrifice for everything else to be ok

Fast forwards several years...

I cracked ....instead of killing myself (I was that low) I asked him to leave.

M DC wish I'd done it sooner. They still have a relationship with their dad but they knew of the 'issues' and it made them very unhappy. Their relationship with him is on their terms and with no volatile temper tantrums etc (He daren't because they'd never go back)

He will abuse them as well as you btw...