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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what is wrong with DH? Why is he so nasty?

142 replies

amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:12

So this morning at 6.45 am (i.e. not particularly early in our house as have 2 young dcs) ds2 wakes up - I take him into bed for a few mins as is normal in our house, but then he wants to go downstairs.

I am pregnant with dc3 am feeling completely shattered some of the time (i.e. this morning) so asked him to ask Daddy to take him down.

Cue DH screaming "Get the hell out" to ds2 (ds1 was already in our bed as was under the weather and needed some tlc) and screaming "YOU LAZY COW" to me several times. Even though I said that I was pregnant and therefore really tired and that it wasn't particularly early, and that I hadn't slept for some of the night due to ds1 being up and I couldn't get back to sleep..

btw, I work full time, quite long hours and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. (although we do have a live-out nanny during working hours) .. so how I can be a lazy cow doing basically everything at home, working full time, looking after 2 dcs and being pregnant is beyond me! He hasn't apologised all day. Later he said that I was "like one of those fat women who won't get off the settee all day" -which he repeated several times. In fact, I don't think I ever even sit down on the sofa for more than two mins as am usually busy working / tidying / playing with the dcs etc etc. Whereas he doesn't do a thing around the house (although does play with the dcs) and frequently sits on the sofa for hours.

I don't know what to do. How can I leave him with 2 young dcs and a third on teh way? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 22/01/2012 22:38

He did actually do an anger management course a couple of years ago (I can't remember how exactly, but I pretty much forced him to go on it.. I think I must have seriously threatened divorce).. it did improve things somewhat in certain respects - he doesn't fly off the handle as much as he used to about certain things, and he did appear to learn some self-truths.. but that only took him a certain length of the way.

Which is why I ask about other programmes - because although the change was relatively minor, he did go, and he did change for the better (slightly).

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 22/01/2012 22:41

Any good response to any challenge is worth while and a small reason for hope. there are several approved perp. courses in your approximate location if you click on respect and look down the left hand bar.

bejeezus · 22/01/2012 22:41

It is so frustrating to read your replies; only because I have been there myself, as I think have most people posting in your thread.

You say exactly the things I used to think e.g. 'isnt it my responsibility to stay and make things better'. It's frustrating because sooo many of us have been there and thought your thoughts and turned ourselves inside out trying to be 'better' and 'make it ok' and give our kids a proper family with a daddy. But we all tell the same story; they really don't change, they destroy you and waste your life. We are trying to make you learn from OUR mistakes, to save you any more wasted life and limit the damage to your kids any further. It's a really hard thing to do. You have no reason to believe us, you don't know us and I bet you are thinking that they can't all be the same? You have got the one that might change?

foolonthehill · 22/01/2012 22:46

It's a journey isn't it...my mind changed literally over one night...but it took a while to get to that night!! And we can only do what we can do

bejeezus · 22/01/2012 23:06

Me too fool, took 10 years to get there. Wishing you strength and clarity OP

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 22/01/2012 23:10

Thanks all. So - step 1: go to bookshop tomorrow and order relevant books.
step 2: when they arrive, read them.
step 3: come back and report what I have learned and make action plan.
Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 22/01/2012 23:12

I case you hadn't realised, I (by nature) have to read a lot, consider thoroughly, and take decisions on the best course of action based on knowledge, reason and full understanding of all the ramifications. I understand that will be frustrating for some of you but it's how I am and if I didn't approach things in this way I would be too full of fear and regret to properly take the right decision.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/01/2012 23:18

Take all the time you need. There will be support for you here when you need it. x

susiedaisy · 22/01/2012 23:25

Took me five years to go from being very unhappy to actually leaving, if you can get a kindle you can download what books you want and noone else can see it.

struwelpeter · 22/01/2012 23:36

So sad you are going through this. I totally understand your hesitancy and your need to find out that you have looked at every angle here. You are a wise and compassionate woman who wants the best for everyone. Godd for you. But what is H doing to stop his anger, his intolerance, his sense of entitlement? Call respect, they are great in unpicking what is going on, but word of warning ... When you ask about getting h on the programme they will point out to you that the only way he will change is if he wants to change and picks up the phone himself. in the end it doesn,t matter how accurate your diagnosis is of what is behind his behaviour, it is the behaviour that needs to be tackled first.
As others have said many of us have been there so there is loads of support for you here.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 30/01/2012 21:13

So we had another incident yesterday - we were getting ready to go out. DS2 needed nanny changing - dh reluctantly agreed to do it (admittedly better than my effort!) So he went to ds2's room to change nappy on changing table.

I was in our bedroom with ds1, getting dressed. Wasn't paying too much attention to what ds1 was doing (he was already dressed) - looked like he was putting dh's shoes on. I heard something drop - it was dh's laptop that ds1 must have picked up and dropped (ds1 said to me afterwards that he was pretending to be daddy and going to work Smile - hence his shoes as well). Now bear in mind dh leaves his laptop lying around all the time (on the bed, on the sofa, on the floor). If anyone ever puts it high up, it is me. dh actually encourages the dcs to play games etc. on it.

Anyway, it fell, and I said (maybe slightly shouted)- ds1 - why did you just drop daddy's laptop? i.e. I was trying to gently discipline him - I knew it wasn't really his fault as the computer is always left lying around, he has no idea as to financial value or that files etc. are stored on there, and he is only 4 years old!

Meanwhile, dh obviously heard this from ds2's room, and came charging in, screaming at ds1 'WHY DID YOU DROP MY LAPTOP? WHY WHY WHY? WHY WOUOLD YOU DO THAT?' in a really scary way He just wouldn't stop, and poor ds1 burst into tears. I said to DH - please stop - he's only a child and he didn;t know - and you always leave it lying around. I was also wondering what he had done with ds2 and asked (actually probably screamed) - where is ds2? have you just left him on the changing table? So I went it and ds2 had indeed been left on the changing table with his nappy off and poo (sorry) all over his bottom.

I ended up cleaning ds2, taking ds1 with me into ds2's room, closing the door and refusing to come out. when dh wanted to leave, ds1 stood up to dh and said he wasn't going anywhere and was staying with Mummy.

In the end, we went out, because friends were waiting for us, and I was trying to be normal for the boys. DH did not apologise at all - he kept asking for an apology from me!!??

In any case, I ordered the books online, and they arrived for me at work today (it's the only way I could do it as was too expensive through bookshop). Have made my way through half of the Lundy Bancroft one - so making progress!

OP posts:
Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 30/01/2012 21:22

oh yes, and forgot to add the end of that incident - when we were in ds1's room, dh kept complaining about some thing he couldn't find (headache pills or similar) - even though I had already looked and told him I couldn't find.. there was one box left (which he was holding!) which I hadn't checked yet (btw, the thing he was looking for was nothing special - can buy over the counter in any pharmacy or supermarket) - he said - 'you know I am no good at looking for these things - you have to find it for me - find it or else!' (or some such similar) .. so I went into the bathroom, tipped out the box, confirmed it wasn't there, and left him to it.

He then kicked me in the ankle and said that I needed disciplining, just like the children, and that he had to discipline me. Said we would go out now but that when we came home he would discipline me as I clearly needed it - he would deal with me later (but not now coz in front of the kids) - never mind that he had just screamed at ds1 and me and kicked me in front of them!

Needless to say that by the time we had got home he had miraculously forgotten all about it and didn;t want to discuss it.

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 30/01/2012 21:59

Please watch yourself ami he has just physically abused you.. x

PocPoc · 30/01/2012 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 30/01/2012 22:16

He's frightened your children. He's put them in physical danger. And he's physically abused you.

Time to go OP. Really.

Plomino · 30/01/2012 22:20

Get out. Get out now. Discipline you ? That was assault. I am very new here, and I don't want to frighten you, but I go to domestic assaults at work every day. Every single day.

I hate to say it, but rarely do we ever go somewhere just the once. And rarely does it get better. Mainly, it escalates.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/01/2012 22:24

Enough is enough OP

Get out now

This is escalation and it will not get better, Do not do this to your DC's.

foolonthehill · 30/01/2012 22:28

Make a Safety plan
Docs sorted and with a friend/relative
Bag packed with essentials
exit strategy
mobile in pocket at all times......teach DS1 to phone 999 if he is scared (yes I know he's only 4)

be prepared, he is escalating by the looks of things and you are talking about his behaviour in a different way...so you are "seeing it".
he has no boundaries about doing this in front of the DS's
It's a dangerous time for you all

stay safe OP. I've been there.........................

Bogeyface · 30/01/2012 22:33

I agree, this is escalating this because he senses the loss of control.

You are suddenly not taking his crap anymore, and he is scared. They are at their most dangerous when they are scared of losing what they are trying to so hard to control.

Use private browsing on the PC in addition to what Fool said above.

Plomino · 30/01/2012 22:35

Foolonthehill makes some very good points. I would further ask how you get on with any neighbours ? If there is one that you trust, ask them to phone police if they hear sounds of arguing . Police will not disclose who rang , I promise you.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 31/01/2012 03:18

Those in the know - if I left / got him to leave, how would I practically get around the fact that he is v likely to lie / twist the truth as to what has been going on (i.e. to police / lawyers etc.)?

OP posts:
izzyisin · 31/01/2012 04:59

It's par for the course for abusive controlling twunts to lie through their teeth.

Although these lies tend to follow a common theme along the lines 'i didn't do it/ she attacked me/she's deranged/out to get me/accidentally walked into my fist/wants me out because she's got another man etc' it's not possible to predict exactly what lies a twunt may tell, but don't worry unduly as police/lawyers/Courts etc are usually fairly adept at determining fact from fiction.

As stated above, in kicking you on the ankle, he assaulted you.

If your ankle is bruised go to your GP, state how you sustained the bruising and that your dc was present when you were assaulted, and get the incident/injury recorded in your medical notes.

If you fetch up at your nearest hospital A&E with bruising or other injury to any part of your body, they'll be duty bound to tell the police that you have sustained a non-accidental injury and the police will be duty bound to investigate.

If you have been assaulted and/or sustained any injury in the presence of your dc, it will be taken seriously and the police will refer you to a dv counsellor and report the incident as a matter of course to social services - don't be alarmed as this will not reflect adversely on your parenting skills.

If at any time you feel intimidated, threatened, or otherwise menaced by him, please don't hesitate - dial 999 and ask the police to remove him from your home

CinnabarRed · 31/01/2012 05:11

Get it documented. Now, while there are still irrefutable physical signs of assault.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 31/01/2012 05:30

Ami domestic violence is a taken very seriously by police now .
They are very clued up - his lying won't get past them .
I'm so shocked by your last post Sad.
You deserve so much better .
You need to leave before you have the time to start rationalising things to yourself .
Have you rung Women's Aid ?

foolonthehill · 31/01/2012 11:21

^these lies tend to follow a common theme along the lines 'i didn't do it/ she attacked me/she's deranged/out to get me/accidentally walked into my fist/wants me out because she's got another man^

mine said all this...the police still arrested him (3 months after he left!!)..they knew they wouldn't go to court with it (his word vs my word and no documentation of injury) but they still stuck him in a cell for 6 hours!!! They KNOW, they see it all the time. Actually phoning the non-emergency local police no. and giving them the "heads up" would be wise. mine were helpful and when it did flare up changed my locks for me etc.

when you do ask him to go make sure the Dcs are elsewhere if poss and you have (big and male) friend with you. and be prepared to leave yourself if necessary

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