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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what is wrong with DH? Why is he so nasty?

142 replies

amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:12

So this morning at 6.45 am (i.e. not particularly early in our house as have 2 young dcs) ds2 wakes up - I take him into bed for a few mins as is normal in our house, but then he wants to go downstairs.

I am pregnant with dc3 am feeling completely shattered some of the time (i.e. this morning) so asked him to ask Daddy to take him down.

Cue DH screaming "Get the hell out" to ds2 (ds1 was already in our bed as was under the weather and needed some tlc) and screaming "YOU LAZY COW" to me several times. Even though I said that I was pregnant and therefore really tired and that it wasn't particularly early, and that I hadn't slept for some of the night due to ds1 being up and I couldn't get back to sleep..

btw, I work full time, quite long hours and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. (although we do have a live-out nanny during working hours) .. so how I can be a lazy cow doing basically everything at home, working full time, looking after 2 dcs and being pregnant is beyond me! He hasn't apologised all day. Later he said that I was "like one of those fat women who won't get off the settee all day" -which he repeated several times. In fact, I don't think I ever even sit down on the sofa for more than two mins as am usually busy working / tidying / playing with the dcs etc etc. Whereas he doesn't do a thing around the house (although does play with the dcs) and frequently sits on the sofa for hours.

I don't know what to do. How can I leave him with 2 young dcs and a third on teh way? Sad

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/01/2012 05:54

An uncle of mine used to work in A&E in the Mater hosp in Dublin and had a patient come in often with horrible cuts on her face, black eyes etc. She refused to let the staff call the Gardai and have her H arrested (twas back in the days when victims had to personally report abuse). All she wanted, she said, was for him to stop hitting her because he was apparently a lovely man otherwise. One day she ended up with a fractured skull and brain damage.

Of course you want him to be nicer. You want to be loved and who wouldn't.

ToothbrushThief · 22/01/2012 08:54

He may not physically hit you ami - don't make the mistake of not thinking maths post does not relate to you at all.

When I left my similar relationship, I told friends and family about the abuse. The only thing they could really 'get' was the couple of times he'd punched me. There was no understanding of the years and years of emotional abuse which eroded my self esteem. Yet it was that that caused me most difficulty and had damaged me more. It is far more damaging.

How would you feel if your DC grew up treating people as your DH does? Behaviour is learned. When they are teenagers they will have learned that the way to treat mum is abuse because she'll suck it up.... and so it will go on.

singingprincess · 22/01/2012 09:06

If your children witness your h speaking to you, and treating you like this, it is considered child abuse, and will scar them for life.

Do you really want to be complicit in the abuse of your own children?

PosieParker · 22/01/2012 09:09

You could be strong enough but he will wear you down as the years go by.

ToothbrushThief · 22/01/2012 09:15

I really should proof read more... don't make the mistake of thinking maths post does not relate to you at all

ToothbrushThief · 22/01/2012 09:16

ofgs Grin
don't think physical violence is unacceptable but emotional is... basically

Hollyfoot · 22/01/2012 09:34

I suppose by nature I do not like to cause harm to other people..

Allowing your children to continue living in this desperate situation will cause them life-long harm.

If he has beaten you down (verbally) to the extent it appears, I can completely understand that it seems impossible for you to leave him for your own sake. But please, for the sake of your children, dont let them live like this.

TimeForMeAndDD · 22/01/2012 09:52

This thread will give you an insight into the effects domestic abuse has on the children www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1387768-To-anyone-who-left-a-partner-because-of-domestic-violence-or-it-hoping-to-take-that-step?msgid=29629508

susiedaisy · 22/01/2012 10:17

Very wise words indeed on this thread op I hope you are ok,
toothbrush were we married to the same selfish horrible manchild by any chance?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2012 10:22

amigoingmadhere,

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

A friend of mine stayed within a not too dissimilar abusive relationship to yours because she thought he would one day have an epiphany and change. She has realised finally that she cannot be responsible for his unhappiness with the world anymore and her own self now comes first. He is damaged as is your man. Such people like your H never change, they just up the abuse ante as your man has done over the years. He does not have to hit you physically for the damage to occur. Sometimes like your man, he was nice but those times became fewer and far between. Abuse is a continuous cycle; the nasty/nice is all a part of this abuse cycle. Your H is also acting like this because he can. My friend has now come to the painful realisation that she has wasted her time on such a person and is now separating from him.

Your DC do not adore their father so much as fear him. How can you possibly write that they adore him when he is saying things along the lines of "Get the hell out" to DC2?. It does not square. Many women also write the "good dad", "DC adore him" comments when they themselves have NOTHING positive to say about their man.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Yes NONE.
No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship. Your children as well as you are becoming further damaged and conditioned to accept all this as somehow "normal" when it patently is not. Your children too as adults will not thank you for remaining with such a damaged individual if you choose to stay, they will despise you and regard you as weak. They could well ask you why you put him before them and if you reply along the lines of well I did it for you, they will call you a silly cow. This is therefore not a legacy you want to leave them.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to these young people.

Please seek legal advice to get this person away from you before he does you all any more harm. You can call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. It is a daunting prospect but you really cannot continue like this because he will emotionally destroy your self worth and completely wreak your childrens childhoods.

bejeezus · 22/01/2012 11:00

Unfortunately, yes what atilla said

I have heard plenty if people on here say that they have cut contact with their mums because she didn't leave their abusive dads when they were small

neuroticmumof3 · 22/01/2012 11:12

I agree with Meerkat, your children may appear to adore their father but the reality is they will be confused and scared by his switching from nice to nasty so quickly and frequently. If you have trouble understanding his changes think how much harder it is for young children to make sense of. It is very damaging for children to grow up with this sort of environment. Don't be tempted to go to any sort of counselling with him, it won't work and could be even more damaging for you - often these men can be very plausible in front of others and can end up getting the therapist to side with them. Abuse frequently worsens when a woman is pregnant or has a young child, you're more vulnerable and therefore easier to control. He may sometimes be helpful in supporting you with your phobia but abusive men love a vulnerability if it makes you dependent on them. I'm also not surprised to hear of the unplanned pregnancy as abusive men often keep their partners pregnant as a control tactic. Your life will be much easier without him and your DC will flourish out of such a toxic environment.

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/01/2012 11:56

i have no contact with my mother for letting my step father abuse us. not seen her in 12 years, wont see her again. i moved house and did not forward my address.

ami - how did he take the news of your pregnancy?

shinyblackgrape · 22/01/2012 11:59

Omg - I'm absolutely horrified by this. I don't post much here but I felt I just had to add my voice to those saying leave him.

You say up the thread that he loves your children do much. He doesn't. Or even if he does, what he is doing is damaging them. Terrifying them. I could cry at your DS asking you if you liked your husband. I'm no child psychologist but it sounds to me ad though he doesn't and he's looking to you to benchmark those feelings because he knows what he's feeling isn't quite right.

How do you get on with your parents and your ILs? If this was me, I'd have them at the house today. Id explain the situation in as neutral a fashion as I could - Christ, the facts speak for themselves. No need to tack " isn't that awful?" on to the end of any explanation. I would then say that , obviously, I need to ask h to leave. His parents will be there to support him and yours to support you/ take you out while he packs some stuff. This gets everything out in the open. No morw hiding open tne pandora's box Let him try and justify his disgusting behaviour to them.

saturdayescape · 22/01/2012 12:02

God, what a shite situation. I think you need to leave for you and your dcs. Start planning.

saturdayescape · 22/01/2012 12:05

You will very quickly learn to cope without him. Can your nanny or family help at times of illness etc?

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 22/01/2012 20:44

So, two things to clarify - when I said something along the lines of 'I just want him to be nicer' - that wasn't the voice of naivete - I don't expect taht he wil be - I am not waiting for some magical thing to happen. I know that it is very very unlikely that he will change. I was just saying that that would be the ideal thing.

And here's what makes it complicated - take today, by contrast, to yesterday.
Ds2 woke up at 5.00am as he was now a little under the weather (I could tell). I took him downstairs etc. and hung out with him until around 7.00am, when tiredness overtook me. I went to dh and said -'can you take him now - I've been up with him for 2 hours and I'm too tired'. Dh said yes, got out of bed, took him and ds1 when awake, took them out, and let me sleep for another 3 hours - no complaint, no conversation, he just did it like a normal, decent human being. Similarly in the afternoon - did loads with the dcs generally, then when I got exhausted again, let me have another short nap later without any conversation at all - just said fine. Not bitter or weird - just totally normal - like a different person. Today has been a completely normal day, as I wish he would always be. That is what I find so difficult - and why I also way I wish he were nicer - because he can be and is a lot of the time. It's just so unpredictable - there is nothing even discernable that triggers it - other than I guess he realised that yesterday he overstepped the mark and was somehow trying to make up for it without admitting any guilt.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 22/01/2012 20:48

Someone on here suggested writing it down op so you can look over a period of time and see how many horrible days you have compared to normal days, I mean today is good un all but he's only done what a normal partner would do, but I get the impression you're feeling grateful for this normal day.

KnowYourself · 22/01/2012 21:14

Just one comment. Have you noticed the vocabulary you are using?
You said, twice, he let me sleep as I was so tired.....

Do you realize that he shouldn't 'let you sleep' as if it was great favour. he should 'propose' you to go and have some rest?
Or is it that he has sapped you of any self estime that you don't think anymore that it is reasonnable for you to have a rest when you are tired? :(

AnyFucker · 22/01/2012 21:16

Nice/nasty cycle

Look it up, OP

ToothbrushThief · 22/01/2012 21:18

What would happen if you spoke to him as he did to you and also screamed at your DS?

Can you imagine doing that?

singingprincess · 22/01/2012 21:19

The Jekyll and Hyde thing is part of the pathology of these people. It depends on just how terrified THEY are at the time. He may have got a big enough hit yesterday, to be able to relax, and feel safe today.

They are essentially very terrified people, complete fear is the thing that drives this, and that is what is at the heart of people who behave like this.

singingprincess · 22/01/2012 21:19

That's why they HAVE to be in control.

FollowTheVan · 22/01/2012 21:25

He wont change.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 22/01/2012 21:25

Yep.
Antisocial personalities have a very charming streak about them.
That is how they manage to manipulate .
If he didn't exhibit any charming behaviour , I would guess that you would find it far easier to leave him ...