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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what is wrong with DH? Why is he so nasty?

142 replies

amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:12

So this morning at 6.45 am (i.e. not particularly early in our house as have 2 young dcs) ds2 wakes up - I take him into bed for a few mins as is normal in our house, but then he wants to go downstairs.

I am pregnant with dc3 am feeling completely shattered some of the time (i.e. this morning) so asked him to ask Daddy to take him down.

Cue DH screaming "Get the hell out" to ds2 (ds1 was already in our bed as was under the weather and needed some tlc) and screaming "YOU LAZY COW" to me several times. Even though I said that I was pregnant and therefore really tired and that it wasn't particularly early, and that I hadn't slept for some of the night due to ds1 being up and I couldn't get back to sleep..

btw, I work full time, quite long hours and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. (although we do have a live-out nanny during working hours) .. so how I can be a lazy cow doing basically everything at home, working full time, looking after 2 dcs and being pregnant is beyond me! He hasn't apologised all day. Later he said that I was "like one of those fat women who won't get off the settee all day" -which he repeated several times. In fact, I don't think I ever even sit down on the sofa for more than two mins as am usually busy working / tidying / playing with the dcs etc etc. Whereas he doesn't do a thing around the house (although does play with the dcs) and frequently sits on the sofa for hours.

I don't know what to do. How can I leave him with 2 young dcs and a third on teh way? Sad

OP posts:
spenditwisely · 21/01/2012 23:52

I can give you a first suggestion - write. Write down all the things you can remember, when they happened, what it was. Who said what. Put it all down and keep it somewhere. Read it through and make your decision.

Get as much support as you can, scoop your little ones up and get the hell out of there.

This isn't about who does more work, less work, is fatter or thinner, it's about how somebody makes you feel about those things. He is making you feel bad and that's not acceptable.

susiedaisy · 21/01/2012 23:52

toothbrush I can relate to virtually all that you've just posted,

ToothbrushThief · 21/01/2012 23:52

Oh yeh...

My fear of not coping? life is far easier, far better, financially ok since splitting.

I also have a lovely gentle man in my life who my kids like and we are a happy family

sasaunde · 21/01/2012 23:53

Could you persuade him to go to counselling with you? CBT or something to try and show him that his behaviour towards you is unacceptable?

ToothbrushThief · 21/01/2012 23:53

susie
Thank you - I hope you've made it out of that situation

susiedaisy · 21/01/2012 23:55

The lack of tension worry and walking on egg shells is so uplifting, 14 months on from my split from exH I still walk around my home and feel So much more relaxed and at ease it's a lovely feelingSmile op you would cope you sound strong x

susiedaisy · 21/01/2012 23:56

Yes I did thank you toothbrush best thing I ever did tbh

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 21/01/2012 23:58

If he has personality ishoos which it sounds like he does .. CBT needs to be used with great caution .

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 21/01/2012 23:58

elusive camel - yes, the dcs frequently witness all of this, and then I have a dilemma - do it hush it up and pretend everything is ok? - no, because then they will learn that it is acceptable for a man to talk to his wife like this (or a person to talk to another person like this).
On the other hand, do I say what I really want to say? No, because that would freak them out even more . so I have to show that I am upset and cannot accept being treated like that, whilst also getting over it quickly and being normal for them. I do realise how messed up this is.

I posted similar back in September. Then I got pregnant by mistake ( I won't go into the details but it certainly was not planned) and I find myself back at square one - I thought I might have the strength to leave, but now I don't. I also have a phobia that surely must be influencing this - i.e. I need his support at the times when the phobia is bad - and he has proven himself to be pretty good in this respect. Sad

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 22/01/2012 00:01

That's not messed up op I used to do the exact same thing

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 22/01/2012 00:02

sasaunde / nanny plum - I'm pretty sure I have suggested counselling in the past - if I remember correctly I think his reaction has consistently been 'I'd rather get divorced!' (although not being serious - he does not want to get divorced).

and yes, he clearly does have some very deep-rooted personality issues.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 22/01/2012 00:04

For now I would prob do counselling just for yourself op

ThatVikRinA22 · 22/01/2012 00:05

you realise you may actually have an even better relationship with him if you put your foot down and send him packing?

there is a wealth of support out there - CAB, solicitors often do a free 30 min appt, and womens aid can all advise and support.

make use of them.

bejeezus · 22/01/2012 00:06

Don't go to counselling with him. He is abusive

KoPo · 22/01/2012 00:07

Sorry OP ... But I worry about your safety on this. He sounds vile to me and you realy would be better without him.

Original poster
amigoingmadhere · 22/01/2012 00:11

I'm going to bed in a second, and I know this is going to sound incredibly pathetic and I'm going to get shouted down..but maybe it will give you an insight into the complexities (of my mind?)

I just heard him cough downstairs, and I felt awful - like, how can I kick him out of his cosy house, taht he has worked so hard for, and away from his dcs, whom he loves so incredibly. I know he deserves it, but I suppose by nature I do not like to cause harm to other people.. I just can't even contemplate it. I know you'll say that I'm harming the dcs by letting this abuse continue - I know this. but it's like these occasional bursts. I just wish I knew how to make him change. I don't want to punish him, I just want him to be a nicer person.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 22/01/2012 00:17

oh dear....that old chestnut - i just want him to change.
newsflash.
they dont.
im sorry.

what more can anyone say when you have posted that your husband abuses you in front of your children but you feel sorry for him when you think about doing something positive about it.

you have become acclimatised to abuse. The good patches outweigh the bad?
there should not be the bad, at least, not the bad as you describe it. yes everyone has ups and downs, everyone can snipe or snap, not everyone calls their pregnant wife a lazy cow or fat.

what incentive has he to stop this?
none is what. he can do whatever he likes. after all, what are you going to do about it?

bejeezus · 22/01/2012 00:18

You need to read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that'

bejeezus · 22/01/2012 00:24

He knows you feel sorry for him. He knows your nature. That's what he relies on. That's why he abuses you. He had conditioned you to react like that

ToothbrushThief · 22/01/2012 00:29

ami - I still understand you

I felt the same and it took awhile after the divorce for me to move on

When he was a nasty piece of work I grieved for the wasted yrs with him.
When he seemed sad I grieved because I couldn't make him right

Our relationship was like mother and child. The child was a teenager... you love them and they can be adorable but they can also be vile, have no respect for your belongings, feelings, finances and expect to behave exactly as they like and have mum sort it all out and cover up for them. If thwarted they rebell violently and angrily. Most teens are unhappy.

My ex had a major self destructive phase after we split which was very hard to watch but I told myself repeatedly that he was an adult -it was his choice.

Eventually he grew up and I honestly believe that divorce was the making of him. Had we stayed married he'd still be behaving like a stroppy child.

You do need to leave. It is hard, but you will be doing it one day. He will get worse. Delaying it won't make it easier.

Bobits · 22/01/2012 00:58

I dont post often, but am so sorry, you sound so heartbroken:(

Like others have said, your husband does not treat you kindly.

You don't sound pathetic, wanting someone to 'change' to better themselves - to be nicer is what love is. You love your husband and it is so sad he is hurting you and your DC's and taking advantage of your love.

Your husband has an angry, innadequate soul.
And as fucked up as it sounds, he, deep down, probabaly loves that you have a phobia that you struggle with, and he gets great satisfaction that he can support you with - it makes him feel less worthless.

With regards to your DC, I see your dilemma with what to tell them, you don't want to lie and say dad's great - when he clearly isn't. And you don't want to say dad's a bastard. You could try the route of 'daddy's got difficulties' or 'isn't able to'.

Like toothbrush mensioned teens, if 'molly-coddling' them doesn't work sometimes 'tough love is needed Grin Separating will benefit you, your DCs and also your dh.

I wish you all the best with your new baby, and two other little ones x

Lovingfreedom · 22/01/2012 01:06

You sound really strong & together, OP, especially considering all you are dealing with. You seem to be seeing the situation pretty clearly & are exceptionally good at coping. Abusive guys tend to be good at pulling out the stops when they need to. Only you know how bad/good it is and whether you can put up with him. You'll manage either way...you're strong. Keep talking to your mum. Good to have a close RL perspective & source of support. Good luck.

BayPolar · 22/01/2012 01:34

Has he always been like this? Or is it a recent change?

BayPolar · 22/01/2012 01:37

After a thorough reading, it appears that this lady is going to let the abuse continue, make excuses for him, and continue living in misery.

Well, each to their own.

Abitwobblynow · 22/01/2012 05:06

Hi, IMO he has/is basically 'training' you to not make any demands. The payoff for having needs is so horrendous (hours of ongoing rage) that you will hesitate/not ask him for anything.

This is a very sad reality to get. The end result is that you will lose your self-esteem and your sense of sense.

What you have to do is really admit to yourself, that this is what is happening, and then watch it play out (you say you are a person/have some needs - he punishes you for it). Then you will see how you 'give in' because its 'not worth it'.

I don't know if you saw Deedees post. She got real and gave her badly behaved H such calm, clear boundaries I was in awe. But at a calm time sit down with your H and say 'your behaviour was unacceptable and if you ever speak to me like that again.... [consequences]. We are BOTH tired. But if you are going to be no help to me I might as well be on my own'.

It is very hard, good luck.

At a calm time you have to