what is wrong with DH? Why is he so nasty?

[amigoingmadhere]

So this morning at 6.45 am (i.e. not particularly early in our house as have 2 young dcs) ds2 wakes up - I take him into bed for a few mins as is normal in our house, but then he wants to go downstairs.

I am pregnant with dc3 am feeling completely shattered some of the time (i.e. this morning) so asked him to ask Daddy to take him down.

Cue DH screaming "Get the hell out" to ds2 (ds1 was already in our bed as was under the weather and needed some tlc) and screaming "YOU LAZY COW" to me several times. Even though I said that I was pregnant and therefore really tired and that it wasn't particularly early, and that I hadn't slept for some of the night due to ds1 being up and I couldn't get back to sleep..

btw, I work full time, quite long hours and do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. (although we do have a live-out nanny during working hours) .. so how I can be a lazy cow doing basically everything at home, working full time, looking after 2 dcs and being pregnant is beyond me! He hasn't apologised all day. Later he said that I was "like one of those fat women who won't get off the settee all day" -which he repeated several times. In fact, I don't think I ever even sit down on the sofa for more than two mins as am usually busy working / tidying / playing with the dcs etc etc. Whereas he doesn't do a thing around the house (although does play with the dcs) and frequently sits on the sofa for hours.

I don't know what to do. How can I leave him with 2 young dcs and a third on teh way?

I left a man who exhibeted very similar behaviour to your H. I thought no one would believe me.
But they did, without exception .
The police, my lawyer, the mediators in the divorce process, the child psychologist we are now having to see, friends, school, his family even.... everyone believed me, because I was telling the truth.

sometimes you have to be brave. I know how hard it is.

good luck

Hope you got some rest last night OP.

Thinking of you.

This has stepped up now ami. He has physically abused you and threatened you on top of everything else. This escalation is scary and will only increase.

Please do everything you can to leave. Forget about the 'good' times, they are insignificant.

I am afraid for you now op. I have just read entire thread and it seems his behaviour is getting gradually worse. If he is kicking his pregnant wife in the ankle and then telling her he has to discipline her like a child I think it can only mean one thing. The abuse is going to escalate from nasty words to a kick in the ankle to a full blown punch in the face ( or pregnant belly )
Of course the kids love him but they will not love him hurting their mum. You need to contact WA for advise.
Good luck x

Safety planning:here

Would just like to add that if you report to the police they are able to put a 'marker' on your address and telephone number so that should something happen and you need to make a call for help they will have information about your situation. Even if you (or DS1) dialled and didn't speak they would still send someone as a matter of urgency.

Please be careful OP, talk to people and start to build a support network. You deserve a safe and happy life, and so do your DC x

effect on DCs here

This is so difficult.

I think I may have worked out a pattern though. He is usually fine during the week and it's the weekend when things flare up. I think maybe this has something to do with him needing me more on weekdays, so that he can do his own thing (work, friends, whatever) - i.e. he needs me to look after the dcs and generally keep things going at home, while he comes and goes as he pleases.

On the weekends, as well as actually spending time together (which is clearly going to be a trigger!) he knows he has to be with the family more, and therefore maybe doesn't 'need' me as such - so if he takes the dcs out, I am redundant, and therefore he can abuse me as no consequence for him? - while, fortunately for him, he ends up looking like the perfect father as he takes them out etc. (as I clearly need to rest by then!)

Does that make sense? Not justifying anything at all, just reading the Lundy book and starting to see things a little differently.

Sad to say, by the way, that things are not escalating - he is like this on and generally - has been since we got married (i.e. every now and then being threatening / hitting / kicking (but in a minor way)) -not excusing, just that it makes it very difficult to do anything about it as he will deny / cover up / pretend it never happened, no-one really takes me seriously (other than a therapist I once saw, and my old GP)..

Don't think I could say anything to neighbours btw - we just moved to the area and although they are lovely I don't really know them well enough to feel comfortable with this.

I just went downstairs and said to him (he is working) - 'I know not now, as you are busy now, but just wondering when we can talk about what happened on Sunday - i.e. you screaming at ds1, kicking me and saying that you will 'discipline' me?

DH: what? what? what are you talking about?
me: (ditto the above)
DH: can't you see I'm busy now? How can you bring this up now? I have X big piece of work right now (he always has X big piece of work -it's the nature of his job)
me: I know - I wasn't asking to discuss now - I'm tired anyway and need to sleep. Just asking when would be a good time. We do have to talk about it you know, as it was quite a major thing.
DH: how can you do this to me? have some sympathy! I have been working 18 hours straight! I need to work now! and what about you? how is this all my fault? and why didn't you talk about it another time? we had all day Saturday (er, no we didn't, as this only happened on Sunday! and we were busy all of Saturday anyway!!). You need to go to sleep.
(mutters under his breath - fk off)
me: what did you say?
DH Fk off.
Me - um, ok then ?

DH: ok, we'll talk about it tomorrow night.

hmm, I doubt it somehow..

sorry for all this, but if I don't put it down here I might forget, and I don't want to forget. and he might find it somewhere else.

Jesus the guy is a PRICK and you can tell him from ME.

Have you phoned women's aid yet? You are subject to systematic abuse.
You can't talk to him about it, at the best he will "be good" for a little while and then kick off again.
Your kids are also being damaged in seeing this, and you are teaching them that if someone hurts/bullies you, no one will believe you, so you have to just suck it up and pretend it never happened.

Please go and get professional advice.

BTW I know of at least two women who have been abused (physically) in both cases I haven't said anything as I wasn't that close to them and they seemed to be doing their best to deny everything. I cheer when I see one of them now is with a new partner, and if either had confided in me I would have done what I could to help them.

You say the physical abuse is 'minor'. Physical abuse is NOT minor - it is abnormal. Healthy relationships don't include it! It started when you were married because he 'had' you then. I think more people will believe you than you think - other people do notice things, even if you haven't discussed it with them. Don't lose sight of the fact that the important people here are you, your dcs (who are already being affected by this) and your unborn child.

There will never be a good time for your dh to talk about this, even if he does, he will never accept responsibility. He sees this as your fault, he thinks you deserve it.

Abusers ALWAYS see themselves as the victim, always. That's what justifies their sense of entitlement. It's really, bizarre.

Please be careful OP, they do sense when they are losing control, and you learning about what is going on in your relationship will cause subtle changes in your behaviour.

Often it's a good idea to start leaving a "paper trail". Go to the gp, get your ankle looked at, tell them how it happened, and the it was on front of dc. This has been mentioned before, but I am saying it again, because this is how you can start to build a support network in RL.

It's not perfect, but there is a "safety net" of real support available in this country, people who are trained to identify domestic abuse, and deal with it for the good of the whole family, and you need to access it...today.

Don't let the fact that he will deny everything stop you. He will simply never admit responsibility for his own actions. It's the way abusers function.

We believe you. Your old GP believed you. Women's Aid will believe you. And countless others too.

What may be stopping you from acting actually is that YOU need to believe you, iyswim. You need to acknowledge for yourself that this IS really as bad as it seems to all of us. You must realise that only you can take action to change your life for the better. Because he won't.

You feel alone in this.
But you are not alone...for those who know anything about abuse they will see what you are saying and recognise it...it's like mirror images...the way we "victims" talk...(don't like the word or the thought of being one!!)

even the way he talked to you is abuse...this is NOT a loving relationship with blips is it? this is an abusive relationship where he just about treats you/dcs ok often enough to keep you hooked.

there is more support here and out there than you can believe...but right now it is so hard.

we are here for you. Others will be too.