I really want to talk about my relationship without being told I'm a bitch

[KnockDiddyKnockKnock]

Am I a bitch for wanting to be happy? And if being happy means DS doesn't get to spend so much time with his dad because his dad has to move out, does that make me even more of a bitch?

I have been unhappy for a long time. In retrospect DP and I were never really suited, but I got pregnant so we stayed together. We've been together for 15 years now and although I love him as a person (he is an extremely nice man most of the time) I have no sexual feelings towards him. We still have sex and it's mutually enjoyable but I feel soiled afterwards. As if I've had sex with my brother or something .

I have a few friends and I have tried to confide in them about wanting to be single again. They look at me as if I've grown another head! In fairness to one of them, her husband is a prick who makes her the butt of his jokes and compares her to other women to make her feel inadequate. I understand why she thinks I'm insane to give up on a relationship where I am respected and treated kindly. My own mother thinks the sun shines out of DP's arse and won't have anything said against him. I'm not even allowed to complain about his snoring; I have to be reminded that I'm lucky to have him.

I have told DP how I feel but he says he still loves me. I don't know whether he does or not. I was his first girlfriend and I've always felt that he was insecure about meeting other women so settled for me. I think someone else could make him very happy but he is adamant that he wants to stay here. I have lost respect for him for not having enough pride to leave [bitch].

When I think about being single again I feel excited, but then really frightened. I'll be a single parent; I'll have to go back to work and DS will have to return to school (he is home-educated due to being bullied); I'll be skint; I'll have no support etc. I've tried to discuss a separation with DP and he insists that he will not move out unless forced, will not give me any money unless forced, and will insist on seeing DS every day. He thinks this is fair because it's me wanting to separate. It's not fair, is it? It just seems easier to continue and be miserable if that's the way it's going to be.

Another issue is that I want another baby but DP can't have any more children due to medication he is taking. I'm 35 so I don't have much time left [bitch].

Does anyone feel similarly? I'm not really looking for solutions; I know how to go about becoming single. I just want to mull things over without being told I'm a callous bitch.

None of the things he is telling you - either the name-calling or the threats - are acceptable, Knock. And you know it, don't you?

I'd like to direct you to the links on the first post of this thread

That thread is an excellent place to talk and mull things over too.

Well I suppose it depends on how miserable your are with your life atm.

It might be that he isn't the worst person in the world, one that is badly abusive etc... But then you don't need things to be that bad to get divorced.

It could be that your H is not the perfect man you would have wanted but then you are never going to get perfection. And you could actually live with these 'little defects'. Then would there be a reason for leaving?

The reality is that for most us, we are somewhere in the between these 2 extremes. It is up to you to decide how unhappy you are with the situation. You do not have to sacrifice your happiness. Assuming you have looked and there is no other possible solutions than a divorce, then so be it. It will not make you a bitch.

BTW, be careful with advice from friends. They are likely to see your relationship from the outside, not knowing how things really are when the 2 of you are together.

Re the fact that he still decided to stay. Well that's his choice. One that he has done looking at what is important for him. And obviouly there is something in 'staying together' that is hugely important for him. I am not sure I wuld have lost respect for him. I know I would loose respect of myself if I was staying in a relationship that I do not want to be in.

sorry, but if I were her husband I would say the same - why should I be forced out & not see my child every day just because she wants to be single? His reaction is not abusive but NORMAL, he doesn't have to roll over & let her walk all over him!!!!

I've tried to discuss a separation with DP and he insists that he will not move out unless forced, will not give me any money unless forced

Well, this is not the attitude of a man who worships the ground you walk on and would do anything to make you happy. It's the attitude of a man who knows what he wants and doesn't care who suffers for it. He's not acting broken-hearted, is he? He's acting like you should know your place and stay in it.

I found the first two-thirds of your post confusing; you seem to have very low self-esteem and I wondered whether you were about to cut your nose off to spite your face - proving to yourself that you didn't deserve a good man! But his reaction to your talks suggests a manipulative or controlling partner, who's eroded your self-esteem.

I think you might start feeling better if you see a lawyer, get a handle on your finances and do a more focussed evaluation of your options as a single mother. I do wish you luck.

You have a right to end a relationship anytime you want OP.

You are NOT a bitch for wanting to do that. the situation you describe sounds soul destroying.

Get advice on your situation, have a look at a trial separation perhaps and see what you feel like after that.

If any man were, to use garlic's phrase, 'worship the ground you walk on', it would be extremely unhealthy if he extended this to allowing you to walk all over him.

You say you 'weren't suited' but you chose to stay with your dp because you got pg and now, after 15 years together, you want him to leave and have lost respect for him because he won't accede to your request.

As you are one that doesn't want to stay in the relationship, why are you not making plans to leave?

How old is your ds? If you found yourself a bedsit/small flat/houseshare nearby, could you not continue to home educate him on a daily basis and possibly find evening/weekend work to support yourself?

Where there's a will, there's a way. Do you have the will to pursue a single life through your own efforts rather than expecting your dp to give up his home and let you have your way now that you have no use for him?

It seems to me that your desire for another dc could lead you into another relationship where you are 'not suited' and I would urge you to ensure that you are compatible with any future partner before you start ttc.

I had the same reaction as Garlic to the first part of your post, but I think it is still valid. I think your H's response is understandable. It sounds as if he is very afraid of losing everything he has built up throughout his life and trying hard to keep a grip on it, which imo is understandable. It's sad that things seem to have deteriorated to the point where there has been name calling though (I am inferring that he is the one who has called you a bitch). Name calling tends to turn a relationship into a runaway train.

I think you should go to counselling, both individually and as a couple. You need to find out why you are so unhappy, why the fact that you were your H's first gf is significant to you, why you want another child, why you now have the 'I got pregnant so we stayed together but we were never suited' script in your head and when that became your take on things.

You sound as if you are having some sort of mid life crisis. You seem to think there is some unfairness to life and that you can dodge it -- fairytale thinking. Without having much of a plan (except to say you will have to get a job in a poor economy and change your DS's life completely) you seem to think that there is greener grass with your name on it somewhere.

Yes, it is not productive to compare one relationship with another and I can see why your mother and your friends are not being entirely helpful when you bounce your unhappiness off them and try to seek validation, because you wake up every morning and live only your own life, but thinking you will be magically happier once you are skint is not really sensible. Better to get to grips with the things, whatever they are, that are eating away at you.

Thanks everyone.

RedHelen, what do you mean by me walking all over him? In answer to your question, he should leave because it's my name on the tenancy agreement, not his. If I walk away from it we all end up homeless as he would be served notice to quit. He has no interest in being sole resident parent btw. Him not being able to see his child every day is just a matter of logic if we're not living together. I would never stop him from seeing DS regularly/frequently, but what he wants is 'unlimited, anytime he feels like it' access. How would I be able to move on if he kept turning up all the time?

Do you still feel like I'm being unreasonable? That's not an aggressive question btw. I genuinely want to know what is reasonable here. I'm willing to compromise but there is no point being single if I have to make compromises that mean my life will be even more lonely and miserable than it is now. I don't hate DP, I care about him very much. I don't think he is an 'abuser' but I think he is resorting to emotionally abusive tactics to keep things as he wants them.

KnowYourself, it's not really any character defects that make me want to end our relationship. We don't make each other happy anymore, actually we make each other miserable. We have nothing in common, never do anything together or go anywhere etc. We have had so many 'fresh starts' and all that happens is we make a load of effort but we're still miserable so we give up. We're not married btw.

Garlic, thank you. We're not married and don't own property so I don't need a solicitor (do I?). I wouldn't just chuck DP out. I would split our possessions down the middle and give him time to find somewhere suitable to live.

I think I do have low self-esteem tbh. I know I don't care about myself much anymore. I comfort eat, wear frumpy clothes, don't bother with make-up - so unlike how I used to be! My confidence has erodid, definitely, but it's not necessarily his fault. I think it's more to do with not liking my life and feeling like I can't change it.

HotDAMN, thanks for the link. I'll have a good read when I get some time this evening.

GarlicFrother's was the last post when I replied so I missed the others, sorry.

Math, your post has knocked me for six so I'm going to re-read and think and then post later.

Thanks to everyone that's replied so far.

Before you make such a big decision go and get some counselling for yourself... find out what your ideas and beliefs about long term relationships are and what you want from one. Don't leap before you look...

If the tenancy is in your sole name it's done deal as he has no legal right to remain or be in the property without your consent.

Given that fact, it is within your power to determine what days/times/duration he can have contact with his ds in your home or, alternatively, you can stipulate that all contact takes place outside of your home and that he doesn't cross your threshold when he collects and returns ds.

Wow, Izzy, that may be true, but it's extremely harsh. Can you imagine if a man's name was on it so he made the woman leave and had all the power to dictate contact? As the OP said, this is not an abusive situation. It's a 15 year relationship that may possibly be over, but it hardly seems to be time to boot him out as though he has zero rights and no stake in the family. I agree with Math and the others who advise counselling in the first instance. It feels like there are a whole load of complicated feelings brewing inside the OP and she needs to work through them first before taking irreversible, damaging action.

I've had counselling. Not the relationship type, but I did talk about how unhappy I was in my relationship and feel I have a good insight into what I want.

DP isn't abusive. He doesn't call me a bitch. That's my mum and friends and my ownchoice of word for myself. I know I don't come across very nice and that's fine really. There's no point in me dressing up my feelings to get you all onside if it's all bullshit. That won't get me anywhere.

Math, I don't really get some parts of your post. It feels a bit mean tbh. If I was to post on here saying that I don't love DP anymore and want to end things, but I'm going to carry on until the economic climate looks up because I don't want to be skint, would you be more sympathetic? Surely not.

And what do you mean about my mum and friends? I am there for them when they need to talk. I have listened to friends going on endlessly about stuff that really wouldn't bother me. Their feelings are valid to me even if I think they are wrong. If I can't expect that from a friend then surely I could get it from my own mother. No?

I'm not having a midlife crisis. I'm not trying to dodge what I perceive to be unfairness. I'm not doing magical thinking. Where have you got that from?

Pink, I don't think izzy is advising that I be hostile to DP, just letting me know my rights. I would never treat him like that.

I will say what I said to my friend who was in a similar situation.

Sign the tenancy over to him and you go.

I would never do that Boney. I would rather stay in this relationship than give up our (DS and my) home, especially as DP doesn't want to be sole resident parent (not that I would give DS up anyway).

"I would rather stay in this relationship than give up our (DS and my) home"

presumably, so would your partner.

What led you to say that, Boney? It looks plain odd to me

Knock, what are the chances of DP coming round to the very sad idea that your relationship is over - at least, the relationship you've been having - and starting to look forward? Is it a knee-jerk reaction on his part, or is he really saying "You're stuck with me, like it or not"?

Because if it's the latter, that shows such total disregard for your feelings - and disrespect for your opinion - it's a dealbreaker to me. I hope it's not quite that harsh, though ... ?

Why should he go?

he's done nothing wrong, why should he leave his home and child?

Would YOU leave? You're the one who wants the single life, he can't stop you leaving, whether or not he doesn't want to be a single parent. Many people don't want to be a single parent. Give him the choice of leaving or you will leave (without DS). Either way, your son doesn't lose his home.

Thank you garlicfrother. Yes it really is that harsh. We have had another blazing row this afternoon and I have told him again that I want to separate. He has repeated that he won't move/pay and wants to see DS every day, but not overnight.

He has now gone upstairs to talk slag me off to the neighbours. I'm going to jump in the bath now but will be back this evening.

Colditz. I have said several times now that he doesn't want to be the sole resident parent. I would have to take DS with me.

I'm really going now.

What I said about your friends and your mum was that they are not living your life and that for them to say you have a lovely time compared to them is not helpful to you. I think you said the same thing yourself.

The rest of my post (which I thought myself was a bit full on when I read it after I posted it so apologies for that) was what I would think of as common sense; I think you are someone plunging ahead at rather a full gallop, with everything seemingly sorted out and cut and dried in your head (details about tenancy, sorting out your rights, the technical details of married vs. not married and what that entails wrt separation and support) but without much insight into the understandable reactions of others (mainly your H) to what you are contemplating.

Your post there about giving up your DS, as if you and your H are now going to do battle about who gets him, is a case in point. Your DS is now 15 and may be allowed to choose who he will live with. Once he is 16, he could even choose to strike out on his own. I am getting a sense here that you are going full steam ahead and impatient with those who are not getting with your programme fast enough. You seem to have tunnel vision about this, or blinkers -- some way of thinking that makes it difficult for you to entertain thoughts of alternatives to what you are going for.

If you are really set on doing this, watch out that you don't feel massively let down if your life doesn't make you happy when you've accomplished what you set out to do. You have stated that you have turned frumpy, let yourself go, have low self esteem, comfort eat, yet otoh you know what you want and are not having a mid life crisis, but then there is the part where you want another baby -- and it isn't adding up.

There is a sort of dissonance here. If it isn't going to all change magically when you're living in a bedsit and skint, then how is it going to change? How are you going to get back the woman you once were, and if you will be able to accomplish that while separated then why can't you do it while you and the P are together?

Thanks for your reply, Knock. I'm afraid I find his behaviour appalling and can't even begin to understand why other respondents are giving you a hard time. You're not obliged to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, neither is he entitled to live with you in YOUR house just because HE feels like it!

Bloody hell, if that's the kind of 'support' you're getting in real life as well, I'm not surprised you're at your wits' end! You haven't "got to" have him around at all - what you will have to do is get your practical ideas together. It might be a good idea to see your counsellor again to talk things through; sounds like you're a bit short of an unbiased ear atm.

I agree there with Garlic. And I think the man sounds like a bit of a lump who wants to have his cake and eat it too, and put little effort into the relationship and even into the relationship with his DS. But I think he is not the sole cause of the unhappiness here.

he wants to see DS every day, but not overnight

What a charmer.