Mumsnet Talk

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!


Websites
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

What a brilliant and helpful thread/post. Thank you. Will read up shortly. May also ask for help-have asked DP to move out today

Hello again. I posted a couple of posts at the end of the last thread if anyone wants to read them.

Nose, do what suits YOU.

If you don't want to be there, arrange to go out. I would.

If you are not there, and he kicks off, he may have calmed down by the time you get back.

What do you want to do? the choice is YOURS.

MrCondiment, happy you found us!

Whenever you are ready, or whenever you need to, please just dive straight in. We all dip in and out as we need to.

Thanks hissy I am in two minds. I guess it is because I now know that I don't know him so I find it hard to predict either scenario. Wondered if anyone had any actual experience (petition arriving addressed to partner, both sharing house) that might shed a light.

btw, one of the statements of unreasonable behaviour is that he has been exploiting me financially. That's what he'll react to, I think.

Thank you hissy. I have been here before, under another name, but didn't follow it up. Have now taken the plunge as we had an incident yesterday that broke the camels back won't go into it just yet ANSI don't have time to type as on phone and putting kids to bed

Just need some help sticking to my guns and also sorting out contact and dividing the assets. So glad this thread is here

Hi all - well done on sorting out the links Puppy you are our tech expert!

Welcome MrC

It's nice to drop the Halloween mask it was a bit scary round here.

Nose isn't that just proof he is an arse? I forgot my H is a manipulative whinyarse and tried to have a sensible talk about money and now he is kicking off again.
Should have kept my mouth shut!

They do kick off. Best to have minimal contact so you do not get into the stupid battles with them. Text tennis or email tennis. They are wind-up merchants after all.

bellsring we are still living under the same roof and neither of us work he works from home and I am on the sick.

Right, I'll take all I need and be out. Better he digests it on his own.

hello MrC
Marking place
Thanks (again) puppy!

OK thanks for advice re GP and anxiety etc.
Don't think I'll be able to get there for a while....

Please give me your best home-made tips for surviving, but nothing that takes any great amount of time please...so, so much to do. It was ridiculous before I asked H to leave and now there's all the usual plus sorting out practicalities, solicitors, banks.........

but today DS1's teacher found me and told me what a transformation there has been in him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like water to a parched land. Small encouragements to keep him out.

I think there should be a bed emoticon..........................

You know, fool, one of the lesser reasons why I love talking to you on MN is that it makes me feel like Mr T

Regarding home-made tips for surviving: eat well. make to-do lists. know who you can call when you need a listening ear. Keep asking for help - whether practical or emotional - from any who might be able to give it.

And you will survive.

Don't reallly have any tips for surviving but wanted to offer solidarity.

Erm <thinks> I expect you do lists, with stars against priorities. Nice music. If you can fit it in, I find short walks help me sort stuff in my mind, especially if I talk out loud to myself (luckily we're in the country). To switch my mind OFF, 15 min in bed with the duvet.

I really doubt that I would have got here without all of your help. Thanks so much.

needed telling that tennis text is a BAD game and a way of him controlling (hadn't worked that one out...just felt awful!)
needed reminding that space is necessary for healing (Pixie HOW have you managed?...in awe)
need reminding that good enough is good enough.......

now the children...what do you think? As his emotional abuse was very much towards DD1 and DS1 as well as me and particularly our son...will anyone take any notice of that when sorting out contact?? (DCs talked to school about it so there is independent corroboration)

I wonder if he is really NPD as had dysfunctional working relationships with people over him.......................???new thought for the back burner..........

Good Lord my mind is like unravelling knitting....sorry ladies

That reminds me, must take up knitting again. To reuse a jumper, unravel it all, wash by hand, then knit into new and better comfy jumper. x

does this also work with minds????

That was my very thought in posting it

I see I missed out unravelling it into skeins before washing, and then winding the skeins into balls of wool.

I think we might be onto something here!

Oooh I like this, can I leave out the bits i don't want any more?

...the nasty grey yukky coloured bits of emotion that are tied up with him???? The scary black bits that I can't quite bring myself to look at? The wide yellow streak currently running down the back??

Hmm. Doesn't sound like you'll have enough wool left if you do that. How about unravelling into skeins, a soak in some gentle bleach, and a nice die bath in your favourite colour?

dye (or, come to think of it, die )