I really want to talk about my relationship without being told I'm a bitch

[KnockDiddyKnockKnock]

Am I a bitch for wanting to be happy? And if being happy means DS doesn't get to spend so much time with his dad because his dad has to move out, does that make me even more of a bitch?

I have been unhappy for a long time. In retrospect DP and I were never really suited, but I got pregnant so we stayed together. We've been together for 15 years now and although I love him as a person (he is an extremely nice man most of the time) I have no sexual feelings towards him. We still have sex and it's mutually enjoyable but I feel soiled afterwards. As if I've had sex with my brother or something .

I have a few friends and I have tried to confide in them about wanting to be single again. They look at me as if I've grown another head! In fairness to one of them, her husband is a prick who makes her the butt of his jokes and compares her to other women to make her feel inadequate. I understand why she thinks I'm insane to give up on a relationship where I am respected and treated kindly. My own mother thinks the sun shines out of DP's arse and won't have anything said against him. I'm not even allowed to complain about his snoring; I have to be reminded that I'm lucky to have him.

I have told DP how I feel but he says he still loves me. I don't know whether he does or not. I was his first girlfriend and I've always felt that he was insecure about meeting other women so settled for me. I think someone else could make him very happy but he is adamant that he wants to stay here. I have lost respect for him for not having enough pride to leave [bitch].

When I think about being single again I feel excited, but then really frightened. I'll be a single parent; I'll have to go back to work and DS will have to return to school (he is home-educated due to being bullied); I'll be skint; I'll have no support etc. I've tried to discuss a separation with DP and he insists that he will not move out unless forced, will not give me any money unless forced, and will insist on seeing DS every day. He thinks this is fair because it's me wanting to separate. It's not fair, is it? It just seems easier to continue and be miserable if that's the way it's going to be.

Another issue is that I want another baby but DP can't have any more children due to medication he is taking. I'm 35 so I don't have much time left [bitch].

Does anyone feel similarly? I'm not really looking for solutions; I know how to go about becoming single. I just want to mull things over without being told I'm a callous bitch.

If the OP is living in social housing there is no doubt some provision for adding her dp's name to the tenancy agreement so that she can move out and he can remain in residence with their ds but, as I get the feeling that the OP is set on having her way, I didn't see much point in wasting my time adding to my earlier post on P.1 of this thread pinkdelight

I also have the feeling that, after she has found another sperm donor partner, the OP will repeatedly focus on the patch of green that may be on 'the other side'.

If the OP's dp is the 'extremely nice man' she has described, no doubt he'll be snapped up by a woman who will respect him and who won't feel 'soiled' after she has 'mutually enjoyable' sex with him.

Izzy - he can remain in residence with their ds - he doesn't want DS in residence.

Have I missed something here? a page? a horse, galloping across the page with info emblazened on it? Please direct me to said horse so I can work out how some posters seem to have reached some pretty concrete conclusions.

and OP, if you're still here, what with people talking over your head and about you, as if you aren't: I think your story sounds quite confused and iiwy I'd get along to a counsellor to make some sense of it. You sound quite desperate, even frantic. I don't think it's possible to know why from a few posts but you could bash it out with a counsellor who is trained to help you get to the bottom of how you're feeling.

I got the same feeling as Math, TBH. No-one has to stay in a relationship that makes them miserable, and OP certainly seems to be, although perhaps isn't fully explaining why? So it seems to come over as disatisfaction, and rather contradictory, at that (eg wanting another baby, despite saying that it was getting pregnant that got her into the situation and that she no longer wants to sleep with DP).

Sorry - suddenly feel like I'm talking about you, OP, rather than to you! You talk a lot about your DH but could I rephrase this paragraph?

I have told DP how I feel but he says he still loves me. I don't know whether he does or not. I was his first girlfriend and I've always felt that he was insecure about meeting other women so settled for me. I think someone else could make him very happy but he is adamant that he wants to stay here. I have lost respect for him for not having enough pride to leave

Could it be that in fact, your DP says he still loves you but you don't know whether you love him or not. You are insecure about getting back out there on your own and meeting other men so you have settled for him for however many years you have been unhappy. You think someone else could make you happy but in practice have stayed where you are. You have lost respect for yourself for not having enough pride to end the relationship.

Maybe I'm way off base, so feel free to ignore. However, you may want to consider a number of things - you don't have to get your DP's approval to end the relationship. He is saying mean things, like he won't support his son, but there are ways to make him do that (and he may just be saying them out of hurt/anger) and you can reassure him that you are happy to have joint residence and 50/50 parenting time. He can't have unlimited access anyway if the boy goes back to school.

You had better be very, very sure that ending it now would make you happy and that your misery is caused by him, and not something else (depression? have you seen a doc?) because the person who is going to have their life changed most is DS, and starting secondary school in year 11 will be no joke.

OP you have a right to leave a relationship whatever the reason. How dare anyone tell you you can't. I don't care if he won the best bloke on earth award, so what. You sound very ground down and uhappy which is reason enough in my world.

You are not a bitch.

Seems like Mr Nice Guy isn't being so nice now is he, I smell a bit of underhand control going on here.

If it's your name on the tenancy hopefully you can make him move out

How old is your DS??

What makes you still want to have sex with him? Surely if it makes you feel dirty then why do you do it?

If you want out then why do you not leave why does it have to be your Husband that leaves?

Sorry just read more, he does not want residency of his child just to see him everyday .

If you leave he will have to pay for his son, he will have to agree to a workable visitation and he will have to deal with it

Surely the person who has custody of the child to keep the roof over their heads? So that's the OP.

Was thinking about this round sainsburys just now and two old cliche sayings came to mind.

Wolf in sheeps clothing and bird in a guilded cage. Guess which one is which.

I personally wouldn't want anyone who didn't love me to be in a relationship with me let alone pressurise them to do so.

should keep the roof.. duh.

My guess is she doesn't "want" to have sex with him maleview she thinks she has to.

garlicfrother

"What led you to say that, Boney? It looks plain odd to me "

why odd?

I am very much in the camp of if she wants the relationship to end she should go.

I have also said that to male friends.

Op- you shouldn't stay with a man just because he might not be able to see his kids every day. If you are not happy you should leave and then try to come to some amicable agreement. Yes he is going to loose a lot but your not making each other happy then the game is over anyway isn't it? Must be miserable living with someone you don't love. He basically wants you to stay together for the sake of your son.

And tbh if your dp is saying mean things to you then he dosn't deserve to see his son every day; what example is that to your son? He needs to sahpe up or ship out but it sounds like it's too late for him to shape up.

Boney - thanks for answering. It does indeed look odd to me, since the house is OP's and her partner doesn't even want care of their child.

I think if you want to split up then you do need to leave initially. And yes, why not arrange for him to see his son every day, you don't have to be part of that. If you have children you are never completely free of the other parent - tough!
Give it time, he may well decide he wants overnight stays but this is all a shock to him right now & as I've said before he isn't unreasonable just to go "ok darling whatever makes you happy!"

By the way Toptrump -kids deserve to have their dads, they are not a mothers possession to be used as a punishment!

You're not a callous bitch, OP

I'm firmly in the 'life's too short' camp and if you are unhappy then something needs to change.

You say you and your DP were never really suited anyway, and there are obviously other problems - personally I think this makes it unlikely that counselling will resolve any of it. BUT I'm not you - if you think counselling may help change things around, by all means go for it.

You don't have to stay with someone just because they don't want to end the relationship. Relationships have to be a mutually fulfilling and happy thing, and if that isn't happening then you shouldn't have to suffer. I'm afraid in that case it's tough cheese for the other person! It might not be their fault, they might not 'deserve' it as such but no one should be forced or guilted into staying with someone just because of that. Even if it does mean him moving out. I feel quite sick at the thought of anyone staying in a relationship because they have been guilted into it. Ugh.

I admit to skim reading a little and I couldn't see the part where the posts relating your DS were coming from, and access to your DP if you split (presuming, guessing etc here) but I will say yes of course your DP and DS need access to each other, and preferably as much as possible. He has a right to his dad and vice versa, even if it's a PITA for you to arrange.

i understand the need to leave/break up if the relationship is not giving you what you want but what do you envisage single life to be like? do you really think it will be easy to rustle up another baby and with whom? are there lots of nice single men out there? won't you just be replacing one relationship with another without dealing with your own personal issues.

i don't know if it makes sense to try to find a job and deal with your issues of self esteem now, before either one of you leaves.

if you need to end the relationship, end it. life/work/family afterwards probably won't be easy, especially in the current economic climate.

Thanks everyone, for your replies.

Izzy, I came back to this last night, read your post, and couldn't face responding to it at the time.

I don't understand why you've had to be so spiteful in defence of a man you do not know. Things like "the OP is set on having her way" is bizarre IMO. Should I be set on having his way then? Are his needs more important than mine? Do I have to continue in a relationship that is unhappy because he doesn't want to move on? Is there a compromise that I'm missing here?

The rest of your post doesn't warrant a response that won't be deleted anyway so I won't waste anymore of my time either.

Math, I'm with you now. Thanks for your posts.

Balia, your rephrased paragraph made me wince for the right reasons. Thank you.

BoneyBackJefferson. I've advised men to leave as well, but none of them have taken their children with them. I think the parent who is going to have residency should keep the home, where possible. That is non-debatable in my situation. DP does NOT want residency, which is good because DS wants to stay with me.

Garlic, thank you for your support

Creighton, I've been thinking about your question all night. I hope single life will be a much less stressful version of my current life. These are the things I've avoided posting about before because I don't want to paint DP in a horrible light, or make myself sound even more of a bitch.

DP was retired on medical grounds a few years ago. He was always a bit of a misery guts but having to now live with it 24 hours a day is unbearable for me. He wants to be joined at the hip; where I go he follows. I cannot even chat to a neighbour without him coming to find me. It is stifling. He is content with a life of watching soaps/game shows, doing jigsaw puzzles and playing on the xbox. He has the opportunity to retrain for a job he could do/would enjoy/pay well, but he won't do it because it requires mental effort. I am tired of listening to day dreams and fairytales. I have had enough of it and don't want to continue. I have told him he needs to find hobbies/work outside of the home for both our sakes, and he agrees and then does nothing.

Single life might be shit, but partnered life is definitely shit when your partner is a like a surly teenager. There is nothing good to salvage, for either of us.

I've got to think more about what single life would be like though. At the moment I'm focussed on ending this misery and the rest is just fantasies about a baby. I can't imagine myself even being naked in front of another man so a new relationship isn't a motivator.

A few other things. DS is 10, not 15. I didn't mean to imply he was conceived so early in our relationship. I suppose he was a bandaid baby. Stupid thing to do but he's the best thing in my life so I'm glad I did it. I'm sure DP is too.

DP and I spoke again last night. I've told him he has 6 months to move out. I thought that was ample but he thinks it's too soon. We have debts to clear and I want DS to get used to not having his dad around so much (he's retired so at home all day). We're sleeping separately now as well, so no more sex.

Sorry for mammoth post. I could go on and on though.

Knock, how long have you been out of the workforce, how easily could you return, and if your DH is retired why did he not take on home educating? Does he handle any of DS's home ed?

I'm just wondering what your life would actually be like, like creighton. You say you imagine it'd be less stressful but what would working be like? Would it be less stressful to have DS bullied or miserable? Or could things have improved enough that he could return to school and thrive?

Also do you have hobbies outside the home?

I do think separating could be the right way forward here but I think you would be mad to do it without trying relationship counselling first. Mathanxiety's first post, particularly about why you want a baby (and would even consider having one with DP!) is all stuff you could do with working out with someone in real life.

Also if you split could DS live with you but could DP take over the home ed? That could be a good way to manage a fair share of the parenting and keep up what you've felt was the best thing for DS.

Knock - I feel so sorry for you. It's easy to justify ending a relationship when 1 partner is being really awful, but when it's simply a matter of 1 partner being unhappy and not in love with the other one then it becomes very difficult.

You can evict your 'D'P. According to the [[http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice Shelter website] non-married partners who are not listed on the tenancy agreement are excluded tenants, and as such have few rights. You can evict them with reasonable notice. Reasonable notice depends on how long they have been living there. 6 months is more than ample notice to be reasonable I would have thought. Just give it to him in writing to cover yourself.

You should make plans now for when you are single if you are serious. Get DS back into school, get a job. If that's how it's going to be when you separate, then it needs to start now. Think how difficult it will be for your DS to suddenly to go school and have his dad move out at the same time! 1 upheaval at a time to deal with for him would be kinder. Also, it may take you awhile to get a job, you need to get your CV up to date and get out there looking for jobs asap.

Contact CSA and tell them you are separated form your 'D'P and when he is moving out of the home, and show them the written notice to support this. This will get the ball rolling with regard to maintenance payments.

At least then you will prove to yourself that you truly are unhappy in the relationship, and not as Maths' queried, whether you were merely unhappy in yourself and expecting everything to be simply wonderful if the relationship ended. 'Simply wonderful' needs some work!

if you have been unhappy for a while maybe it is time for you to move on only you know that. but i agree with your husband you cant expect him to stop seeing your son. also your worrying about financial difficulty you can go and get help from the right services who will show you what your intitled to. if your son his home schooled that will be a big change for your son going back to a school but it may all so do him some good. you could work with the school and make sure the bullying dosent happen again he might be confident if your son faces up to the bullys.