I really want to talk about my relationship without being told I'm a bitch

[KnockDiddyKnockKnock]

Am I a bitch for wanting to be happy? And if being happy means DS doesn't get to spend so much time with his dad because his dad has to move out, does that make me even more of a bitch?

I have been unhappy for a long time. In retrospect DP and I were never really suited, but I got pregnant so we stayed together. We've been together for 15 years now and although I love him as a person (he is an extremely nice man most of the time) I have no sexual feelings towards him. We still have sex and it's mutually enjoyable but I feel soiled afterwards. As if I've had sex with my brother or something .

I have a few friends and I have tried to confide in them about wanting to be single again. They look at me as if I've grown another head! In fairness to one of them, her husband is a prick who makes her the butt of his jokes and compares her to other women to make her feel inadequate. I understand why she thinks I'm insane to give up on a relationship where I am respected and treated kindly. My own mother thinks the sun shines out of DP's arse and won't have anything said against him. I'm not even allowed to complain about his snoring; I have to be reminded that I'm lucky to have him.

I have told DP how I feel but he says he still loves me. I don't know whether he does or not. I was his first girlfriend and I've always felt that he was insecure about meeting other women so settled for me. I think someone else could make him very happy but he is adamant that he wants to stay here. I have lost respect for him for not having enough pride to leave [bitch].

When I think about being single again I feel excited, but then really frightened. I'll be a single parent; I'll have to go back to work and DS will have to return to school (he is home-educated due to being bullied); I'll be skint; I'll have no support etc. I've tried to discuss a separation with DP and he insists that he will not move out unless forced, will not give me any money unless forced, and will insist on seeing DS every day. He thinks this is fair because it's me wanting to separate. It's not fair, is it? It just seems easier to continue and be miserable if that's the way it's going to be.

Another issue is that I want another baby but DP can't have any more children due to medication he is taking. I'm 35 so I don't have much time left [bitch].

Does anyone feel similarly? I'm not really looking for solutions; I know how to go about becoming single. I just want to mull things over without being told I'm a callous bitch.

I think it is at least somewhat passive aggressive to ask if you're being a bitch, and to ask questions like 'Maybe I fucked that up?' Having a good deal of guilt about what you are doing is one thing but posting a tiny part of what has gone on, then elaborating after you've read responses (I think the term is drip feeding) comes across as quite passive aggressive imo. Maybe you are used to the feeling that your back is against the wall though, with no-one able to see things your way (i.e. your mother and friends) and that doesn't bring out the best in anyone. However, weeding out the auto-defensiveness from your presentation might help change the responses.

I think if you were to set out the facts about the relationship and not focus defensively on how you think people are seeing you as a result of your decision then there might be different responses. If this is your decision and the more reasons you set forth the more reasonable it looks then you need to go ahead and do what is best for you, being careful not to fall into the pity party trap. You will need to be able to focus in a positive manner on your own life and your own future when you separate; taking the responses of people close to you too much to heart will end up holding you back and taking emotional energy that you will need for you and your DS.

Garlic, I agree 100% with your comments about responsibility for taking whatever medication works for the sake of your family. Have said the same thing myself wrt to exH and his issues.

exH used to show up unannounced when he had keys for the house (his name was also on the mortgage) and it was extremely upsetting -- there is no way this should happen and therefore you need to find out how it can be prevented, legally, and without discussing it or throwing around different options for your H. If he seems to be proceeding at a different speed (not unusual) then you might consider a mediator who could help you both focus and come up with an agreement wrt custody, residential issues, and financial support. You will both feel better when you are out of limbo. Limbo is hell.

garlicfrother

Will he really do that? the OP has drip fed alot in to this.
The answer is simple the soon to be ex partner doesn't keep a set of keys the op sets times that her STBEP shows up.

he sees the kids every day and the op gets an hour or two to herself. I know several people that do this and it works well for them, it just seems that the OP whats little or nothing to do with him and is only willing to do anything on her terms.

I think your constructive suggestions sound good, Math, and hope OP is managing to make progress. You're right, limbo is hell.

I know I'm not the only one on this thread who's plugged away, "trying", at a dreadful relationship because everybody else seemed to think IWBU. Didn't have this forum in those days, which could have made a big difference! The people you know in real life are rarely objective - and, in my case, X2 successfully bamboozled our mediator who also thought IWBU. Hence my sympathy with Knock's fears that she's being a bitch, etc.

Math and Boney I don't like what either of you have posted so I'm not going to respond. I'm sure your advice is sound Math, if it didn't read like such a character assassination I'd probably get some benefit out of it.

Thanks Garlic x

Pink, hope things start to look up for you soon.

Well if your question was 'should I separate from my P and what is the best way of going about it?' followed by a bit of here is where we stand wrt relationship/tenancy/DS, it would have read differently from 'am I a bitch for wanting to be happy?'

Asking one thing when you mean another question entirely is not going to be productive. Same goes for asking your P the question about the tenancy. Not a character assassination but a suggestion about how to communicate in such a way that maybe people in RL wouldn't be telling you you are a bitch -- it is apparent that you have rubbed them the wrong way somehow if this has been their response. Effective communication is 9/10ths of the battle a lot of the time.

FFS - this is RELATIONSHIPS, and not AIBU. BACK OFF!!!!!!

Sorry for shouting there OP, but some of the posters above are being complete and utter twats.

With so many posters asking her whys he thinks she should stay in the house if she wants to break up with her DH maybe the OP felt a bit confused, and realised she had better check she wasn't being such a horrible person in wanting to stay. Her bleeding tenancy, anyway. She's got EVERY right to stay.

Hope things work out OP.

Find me one thread in Relationships that doesn't have an element of drip feeding? It's the nature of the topic!!!!!

Most threads don't have as much as there has been here.

My own questions have focused on why she has said certain things, why she feels the way she feels. Maybe I am dense but none of it was particularly clear to me until way down the thread. That has not been my observation of most Relationship threads.

OK, I've gone about this wrong. I accept that.

I didn't really want a thread full of my justifications for wanting to leave, going into the ins and outs of DP's faults or the practicalities of a separation. That's why my OP said "Am I a bitch??" I don't mind talking about it, and knew it wouldn't win me any friends, but it wasn't my purpose.

I wanted to talk to other women who've chosen to separate, not due to abuse, but due to being simply unhappy. Or women who are still where I am. Or anyone else that could put themselves in my shoes and offer some insight. What has happened instead is that a lot of posters have taken on the role of fighting DP's corner, and I didn't expect that! I have plenty of that in real life. The guilt and other people's reactions are probably different to what men experience when they are the ones choosing to end it.

Math, I've seen threads on the Relationship board that exceed 1000 posts. Are you saying that none of the OP's subsequent posts have any new information? What is it about my thread here that is so peculiar to you? What has become clear to you now that wasn't clear at in my OP?

The OP said she asked him 'if he would prefer me to transfer the tenancy into his name and leave him here with DS' and you asked her why she would scare him like that.

She had just been grilled by however many posters asking her why the hell she felt she had the right to stay in the house and kick him out and so she checked how HE felt about it and you make it sound as though she's being vicious about it.

She asked her question a little badly, without having the whole thread deleted and starting again there's not much she can do except explain more and in doing so she is being roundly castigated.

Her family and friends are so enthralled with her DH that she 'feels' like she's a bitch because she doesn't want to be with him. So actually, her question wasn't that far off. She hasn't been called a bitch, but she's been made to feel like one.

Oh, and those who think she's being awful by not wanting her DP to see her DS every day - that would be my and most women's idea of hell. 2 days a week and every 2nd weekend is 6 days out of 14, almost 50/50. That's more than bloody enough!!!!!

You might think you are asking nicely, but your style of questioning is rather like an interrogation, and when surrounded by a few others hell bent on criticising the OP I'm quite impressed that she hasn't told you all to Fuck off quite frankly!

Thanks for sticking up for me chitchat. I appreciate that.

You're welcome. I do a lot of lurking on the Relationships board, and will post occasionally but this thread has made me livid. I'm so sorry you've been given such a hard time.

What has become clear to me is that your P is basically quite a controlling person, that he is stuck in some sort of relationship and depression rut and has taken you for granted for a long time, and that the two of you are bound to each other only by strands of guilt or inertia. There have also been details like the tenancy. Along the way there have also been red herrings like the desire to have a baby that have been withdrawn.

The initial post read like a case of the 14 year itch (7 year itch x 2), with the P portrayed almost as if he was a faithful old hound about to be rehomed by you. Almost.

Being unhappy, reaching a point where you can't imagine growing old with a partner, and contemplating a split these things happen. If you are feeling guilty, joint he club that happens even where a man has hit you regularly every Friday night for years. You will get over it, and if you change your mind and want to rekindle things with the P, then that would not be unknown either. Maybe he would take the issue of responsibility for his medication more seriously if he didn't have anyone to lean on and had to shift for himself. Maybe not. No-one who has lived to 25 has done so without building a stack of regrets.

Shrugging off what you think other people are thinking about you is going to be important as you go forward. You have already spent 15 years attached to someone who has never really lit your fire, and if you are to really change things in your own life, for yourself, you will need to figure out why your sense of obligation did that to you (or what it was if not a sense of obligation that kept you there for so long).

'Math, I've seen threads on the Relationship board that exceed 1000 posts. Are you saying that none of the OP's subsequent posts have any new information? ' It's not as black and white as that. What I said was that most threads don't have as much (subsequent detail sharing) as this one. That question is an example of a style of communication that is not really productive btw.

Oh, I see. Thanks for the constructive criticism regarding my unproductive style of communication. That is ever so helpful.

It's a bit like going to the dentist because you've got bad breath and having him tell you that you also need to see a doctor because you smell of piss.

I was going to thank you for that last post because it was genuinely helpful up until the very last sentence when you just reverted to being rude again.

I don't know why you think that your participation in this thread is so important and valuable that it justifies you continually picking me to pieces. You don't have authority to tell me how to post on MN, how and when I can share information, or suggest that I'm strange because I haven't done it how you would have. It is unkind.

I'll resist the urge to psycho-analyse your posts on this thread as I'm not qualified. I suspect you aren't either.

I don't think you are a bitch.

I do think your DH's reactions are normal, why should he see less of his son, move out or give you money (apart from child support), it is you who wants to leave.

Do you think it might be a case of the grass is always greener? OR/AND your need/want for another baby which you can't have with DH.

It would be really unfair to return DS to the same school he was being bullied at, do you think he would cope with a new school?

You sound in an unhappy place & sadly there are no magical solutions. I do think you should forget the idea of a 2nd child, for the time-being at least. It would be a bonus yes, but there are no guarantees that is going to happen, and it's risky to base your life changing plans on such an uncertainty. I do find parts of your post confusing, you seem to be looking to your partner to provide solutions to your problems (even if that solution is him leaving) but he doesn't seem to be the cause of your problems. I also think your son doesn't figure in this as much as i'd have imagined. Separation is traumatic at any age, but during adolescence / teenage it can hit super hard. You could find your new single life is dominated, not by losing weight, finding a new partner to make you 'happy', trying to get pregnant, wearing less frumpy clothes etc..but by helping your son deal with the (acrimonious?) separation and adjustment to going back to state school. In my experience, it takes plenty of time for everyone to deal with divorce/separation properly. I'd say 2yrs minimum for things to start getting on a level. there's a sense in the way you write of 'entitlement' and i'm not sure any of us are simply entitled to anything, not even happiness, is it not something, we have to work for & compromise with every day? I know this all sounds terribly negative, and i'd love to say 'go for it sister' but please think it all through properly and get some professional advice to boot. Good luck though, whatever you decide. x

Awomenscorned, I've answered all those questions upthread I think.

To clarify:

It's my home. My name on the tenancy agreement. DP doesn't want to stay here or have sole residency of DS. Seeing less of his child is just a practicality if you're no longer living with them.

I haven't asked for any money except child support.

Well, yes, I hope the grass is greener. Isn't that why people make changes in their life? Is there any reason why it wouldn't be greener?

We've moved since DS was last at school. If he goes back it will be his decision. If I have to stay in this relationship to preserve his welfare I will do it.

Apologies, I couldn't be arsed to read the whole thread.

Nope the grass isn't greener where I'm sitting. Prehaps you should look at your attitude because you seem a bit erm, narky.

awomenscorned - you couldn't be arsed to read the whole thread but the OP has to repeat herself constantly and you think she's narky? Nice.....

Grass is just green.....

How do you think your son would react? Does he have strong peer group friendships? A girlfriend? How would he see you? What would you tell him?

If I have to stay in this relationship to preserve his welfare I will do it.

Depends what kind of welfare you're thinking of. Growing up, he'll be lacking a model for the kind of relaxed, mutually-satisfying partnership of equals we'd all want for our child. Children view their own parents and their family life as ideal - they're hard-wired to do so, and haven't either the experience or critical faculties to question that.

If you're going to be a happier & more fulfilled mum without P - and, who knows, maybe even Eeyore will lighten up post-change - the chances are much better for DS to learn about life as a confident, bully-free individual.

Garlic, yes I agree. I don't subscribe to the belief that couples should stay together to benefit the children. I'd rather set the example that you only have one life so you should try to enjoy it.

I'm going to stop posting on here now. I've really had enough of repeating myself and being told off.

Thanks to those that were supportive

"We've moved since DS was last at school. If he goes back it will be his decision. If I have to stay in this relationship to preserve his welfare I will do it."

forgive me if i've missed something but, if you separate ds has to go back to school right, cos you cannot be there to home-school? So, how will it be his decision to go back or not? Surely that is out of his hands. Unless either you are letting him hold the cards as to whether you separate or not? Or, he comes out of education at 15yrs?
confused!!!

This whole thread reminds me a lot of my parents marriage. They are 20 years older, but it's all so similar, in so many points. They're still married, btw.

The difference is that I was the one bullied at school. Sorry for asking, but why did you decide homeschooling would be the best solution for the bullying? I never had this option, just stayed in the same school and eventually learnt to deal with things.

You house sounds utterly claustrophobic, with the 3 of you stuck inside all day. (a bit like my parents house today)

It seems to me that maybe the three of you could benefit from dealing with your issues individually. Your DH seems depressed. You seem at the end of your tether, idealizing life without DH. I'm not saying you shouldn't split, I'm just saying separation won't solve all your problems.

My parents are in a situation in which they just don't have patience or kindness to each other anymore. Mum gets more anxious and frustrated, Dad gets more cornered and unhappy every day.

However, even if they separated, the problems would not disappear. The damage is done, they have to try to fix it - together on separated, doesn't matter. (In your case, the effects of the last 15 years won't disappear when you walk out the door). My mum is controlling and wants to decide the best way for my Dad to live his life. Dad is passive aggressive and instead of explaining his feelings to her, just dodges her and ignores her (justified) concerns. It's a sad thing to see.

I grew up in this environment (well, it got worse after my dad retired), and now I have trouble to establish a different dynamic with my own DH. Your son is probably picking up on all this. I'm intrigued with the bullying thing: maybe you should try to address that, instead of taking over his education, keeping him indoors and away from the problems? Perhaps it's a good temporary solution, but in the long term how will it help him deal with the arseholes we will certainly come across in life? What is he learning from the role models he has at home right now?

PS: You're not responsible for your DP happiness. It's hard to detach when someone refuses to get treatment for depression, but I can talk about my dad's situation: I keep telling myself there's only so much I can do, without ruining my own life.

PS: If I come across as rude, or horrible, or whatever, I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention.