I really want to talk about my relationship without being told I'm a bitch

[KnockDiddyKnockKnock]

Am I a bitch for wanting to be happy? And if being happy means DS doesn't get to spend so much time with his dad because his dad has to move out, does that make me even more of a bitch?

I have been unhappy for a long time. In retrospect DP and I were never really suited, but I got pregnant so we stayed together. We've been together for 15 years now and although I love him as a person (he is an extremely nice man most of the time) I have no sexual feelings towards him. We still have sex and it's mutually enjoyable but I feel soiled afterwards. As if I've had sex with my brother or something .

I have a few friends and I have tried to confide in them about wanting to be single again. They look at me as if I've grown another head! In fairness to one of them, her husband is a prick who makes her the butt of his jokes and compares her to other women to make her feel inadequate. I understand why she thinks I'm insane to give up on a relationship where I am respected and treated kindly. My own mother thinks the sun shines out of DP's arse and won't have anything said against him. I'm not even allowed to complain about his snoring; I have to be reminded that I'm lucky to have him.

I have told DP how I feel but he says he still loves me. I don't know whether he does or not. I was his first girlfriend and I've always felt that he was insecure about meeting other women so settled for me. I think someone else could make him very happy but he is adamant that he wants to stay here. I have lost respect for him for not having enough pride to leave [bitch].

When I think about being single again I feel excited, but then really frightened. I'll be a single parent; I'll have to go back to work and DS will have to return to school (he is home-educated due to being bullied); I'll be skint; I'll have no support etc. I've tried to discuss a separation with DP and he insists that he will not move out unless forced, will not give me any money unless forced, and will insist on seeing DS every day. He thinks this is fair because it's me wanting to separate. It's not fair, is it? It just seems easier to continue and be miserable if that's the way it's going to be.

Another issue is that I want another baby but DP can't have any more children due to medication he is taking. I'm 35 so I don't have much time left [bitch].

Does anyone feel similarly? I'm not really looking for solutions; I know how to go about becoming single. I just want to mull things over without being told I'm a callous bitch.

Thanks everyone.

Holdme. DS's welfare comes before my desire to be single. I will stay in this relationship if it's the only way DS can remain happy.

Returning to school will be his decision entirely. I wouldn't force it on him and I would make sure it didn't occur at the same time as DP moving out. If it didn't work I'd take him out again and beg DP to come home if I had to. DP has never been involved with DS's education btw. He's supportive but probably doesn't have the aptitude to take it on.

Going back to work won't be easy. I've been out of the workforce since DS was born so my CV won't appeal to anyone. I'm going to start looking for part time work in a supermarket or something similar to start me off. I can continue with the Home Ed and DP can look after DS while I'm at work. At least until he moves out anyway. I can't plan further than that while DP is being so obstructive so I'll have to see how things pan out. I'd like to take a course to improve my sewing skills. It's a daydream at the moment but making soft furnishings for people might be a way to make some extra money once I'm single.

I don't want to do counselling again. I'm as sure as I can be about what I want and how I feel, it's the practicalities and fairness of it that I need to sort out. I don't think think a counsellor's time is best served with stuff like that.

ChitChat, thanks for your post. I know it would be easier for me to justify ending things if DP was horrible. I could have started a completely one-sided thread, going through all the crap things that he's ever done to me. I'd have got support and virtual high fives probably. The reality is we've both hurt one another in the past. He can be very controlling and passive aggressive. I can be an ice cold bitch. We're both pretty awful to each other I suppose. Neither of us are bad people but we bring out the worst in one another.

KnockKneed, I would never stop DP seeing DS. I just don't want it to be every day because it's impractical. DS's home is here and I think it's in his best interests to continue living here with me. DP can visit here, take him back to his and take him out places regularly. I think twice a week and every other weekend is fair, but I'll compromise either way if it's in DS's best interests. What I don't want is DP turning up here everyday and using DS as an excuse to keep tabs on me. That's what I envision happening.

The more I read the more it is clear your DP is a waste of space and you need to get rid before you lose yourself totally

Yeah, that's how I feel Rabid.

It feels as if you all live in a claustrophobic environment with limited outside interactions which can't be healthy or enjoyable for any of you.

I don't think it's fair to label the DP as waste of space - he has been medically retired, he might be suffering from loss of confidence, depression

I do agree with Maths post - it feels as if you are unhappy, your DP might be the cause but I suspect that the way of living is contributing.

You do have a right to end the relationship and maybe you have changed since you met your DP and are no longer right for each other, that does happen. It's likely your DP won't cooperative initially with a separation as he doesn't want it to happen but if you are consistent about it, the separation will happen.
Be reassuring to your DP that you won't be the nightmare ex and you won't restrict access. This is separated dad's biggest fear (& often with good cause). He is with his son every day so of course he feels the need to see him every day but over time he will cope - be empathic to this. You will also have to give up time with your son so you will be able to relate to the feelings.

Hi OP, just wanted to add that the local council should do city and guild courses in soft furnishings, I completed a curtain making course a year or so ago.

I feel you are making the right decision to end the relationship by the way.

As for your son adabting to school again, he's only 10 and I'm sure he will be fine.

Being on you own is better than being alone in a relationship.

Good luck

50/50 care is reasonable. Seems to me cos he cant give you another kid you want out and time for you is running out. dont forget you have to get your own house in order before venturing on a new relationship that will tke time, some men dont want to spawn a child immediately so theoretically you might never have another kid.

Blimey Fabby you are venting your spleen tonight aren't you, why so cross?

Sorry OP, not wanting to derail the thread, just shocked at Fabby's comments, by the way OP take no notice of her.

I read the OP as she posted it he cant have more kids she wants one so fuck him.

Thanks to the other posters. I'll respond in a bit when I've got a minute.

Thanks Smum. Yes, our home environment is a big problem. It's not ideal for DS's studying and I get no space. DP isn't really happy with it but lacks the enthusiasm to change things.

His confidence has been affected by his illness, disability and subsequent retirement. He feels he "cannot do what other men do". It's partly true I suppose, but he is fiercely intelligent and a talented artist and it's so sad to see him dwelling on his physical difficulties and letting his real qualities go uncelebrated. He did try anti-depressants at one stage but the side effects were a deal-breaker for him.

Life would be better if I could solve our living environment but I can't without his co-operation. I have tried very hard to encourage him but it goes nowhere. I nag and he sulks and withdraws.

I won't become a nightmare ex. I want DS to have appropriate contact with his dad. I'm happy to take things slowly as long as there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not possessive of DS; he has lots of overnight stays with family. It won't be an issue for me to see a bit less of him when he spends time with his dad away from me. I could do with the break tbh.

Mojito, I would love to take a course like that. I don't really think it would bring in extra money but it would be something to put on a CV and to build my confidence. Thanks for your positive post

Things have moved on at home a bit anyway. DP says he accepts our relationship is over and is planning to train for the job I mentioned upthread. If that works out ok he will pay me enough child support so that, with me working part time, I can afford to continue with home education. He has agreed to have DS while I work. That's a massive piece of the jigsaw in place, if it happens (hopeful).

I'm not surprised you want rid of your DP, he sounds like a whiny, passive-aggressive burden. Bear in mind (everyone) that the reaction of a niceperson to being dumped is to try to come to an amicable arrangement re housing and DC, not to make threats (I won't move out, won't pay anything, will never see DC if I am not allowed to keep hold of you...)

SGB, when I was having counselling I went into a lot of detail about DP's behaviour. I suggested he might be a bit passive aggressive and my therapist said "No, not a bit, he is a MASTER of passive aggression".

I have taken onboard what has been posted on here, even the things I don't think are fair on me. I asked DP today (just to make sure I'm right) if he would prefer me to transfer the tenancy into his name and leave him here with DS. I have no intention of doing this btw. He baulked at the idea. Totally panicked and said he wouldn't be able to cope with that.

Going to get some sleep now

Why did you ask him about something you have no intention of doing? You scared him? Why play games like this with him?

Scared him? Throughout this thread I've been told over and over that I should leave? So, I asked him if he would prefer that? For my own peace of mind.

He's a grown man btw, not a poor little lamb.

Why ask him if you should do something that you have no intention of doing?

'I asked DP today (just to make sure I'm right) if he would prefer me to transfer the tenancy into his name and leave him here with DS. I have no intention of doing this btw. He baulked at the idea. Totally panicked and said he wouldn't be able to cope with that. '
What was that all about?

Just for your own piece of mind is a bit different from 'just to make sure I'm right'. Since you report that he totally panicked, it is obvious that he never saw your question coming. Of course he's not a poor little diddums, but there is no need to make this like some sort of water torture for him.

There is something missing in the way the two of you are communicating right now. You are going at full speed and he is still in the slow lane.

Do you think perhaps some of that passive-aggressive behaviour has rubbed off on you? That you have both got trapped into a pattern of game-playing and resentment? That whole suggestion in your title that your DH had called you a bitch for wanting to leave when he hadn't...

You must be dealing with a shed load of guilt but it is OK to want to be happy - but as a start you need to just accept that he isn't going to make it easy for you either by being a real bastard or giving you his permission/blessing. He doesn't have to. He has agreed to your plans so now you need to make it easy for you by behaving fairly with no game playing.

Your DP sounds depressed, the right antidepressant might help, it sometimes takes a bit of chopping and changing to find the right one, so I was a bit to read he had apparently given up so easily.

Am thinking about the rest of your situation, which bears some similarities to my own over the last decade and more.

"Why ask him if you should do something that you have no intention of doing?"

We were talking about how things could work when we're separated. How to make it easier for DS with regards to education and how to gradually reduce the amount of time we spend together as a 3 person family over the next 6 months. I told him that I'd started a thread on MN for advice and it had been suggested that I should be the one to leave if I'm unhappy. I asked him if he would prefer this.

It didn't happen the way you're imagining. No metaphorical water torture. And it does give me peace of mind to know that I'm not being selfish to want to keep my home. That I'm right.

We do have different communication styles. If I go at his pace we'll never get out of the car park, let alone into the slow lane.

Balia, I never meant to suggest DP had called me a bitch. I wanted my OP and title to convey that I was looking for an avenue to talk through my feelings about separation on here because I don't have one in real life. Maybe I fucked that up?

I don't think I'm passive aggressive, but DP's passive aggressiveness affects the way I communicate with him, and maybe other people now .

PinkPussy, DP was given prozac and he said they made him have violent fantasies. I don't know whether that was true or just an excuse not to take them, but I feel uneasy about suggesting he tries a different type of AD because I don't want to be responsible for any horrible consequences.

Would it help to talk about your relationship on here pink?

I have already done so at great length elsewhere in Relationships, thank you Knock . As a consequence I realised I had been emotionally, verbally and financially abused, and have nearly completed divorcing him. I am not saying that is how our situations are similar: they are similar because he has been sitting at home (though he is well, in his case, he says) and refusing to make something of himself and earn a decent living, given the situation we found ourselves in. The least proactive man on the planet. Also the strain of him always being there has eroded our relationship - what is there to talk about if he never hardly goes out? I can tell him my stuff, but he's not that interested. I have mh problems myself, and twice have managed to find work, though not to keep it very long, I got depressed. I am now on Employment and Support Allowance, and v pissed off that stbx thought he should live on it ie it should go into the joint account.

Better stop, I can rant for England about him, and as I say, our situations are similar and different

One reason there are so many different SSRIs is that people react differently to different ones, so there is no need to persevere with one that doesn't suit, usually if you keep trying there is something that does, eventually.

OP

its seems like you have all of ammunition in this war and are using it to your advantage.

It also seems to me that there it still so much more than meets the eye here, but there is very little point in trying to bring it up.

I can't begin to understand why you're still getting grief on here, Knock, or how you remain so calm & objective about it all!

If an adult has symptoms of a possible illness and refuses to acknowledge the impact their symptoms have on their family - and/or refuses to take the problem seriously - their partner is not obliged to tiptoe round them, become a doctor to an unwilling patient, or otherwise make themselves responsible for their partner's symptoms.

If Mr Knock is depressed, he's not being a poor little bunny, he's being an arse because he didn't take his meds or seek further treatment.

Exploring "what-if" scenarios with a fellow adult is not emotional torture, it's healthy negotiation.

You haven't done anything wrong except go off you partner, Knock - and that's not wrong. It's sad, perhaps, but perfectly understandable under the circs. Glad you're getting somewhere, albeit slowly.

"I just don't want it to be every day because it's impractical..... I think twice a week and every other weekend is fair, but I'll compromise either way if it's in DS's best interests."

Its only impractical if you make it so.

6 months??? That's a long time to continue living like this. Still, if it's what you have agreed, then I suppose you need to do your best to stick to it.

Why not try talking to DS about going back to school this September? If he was to do that, you could work in the day and you wouldn't need to rely on your DP's support (once he has moved out) - therefor he would have less ability to control the situation & keep tabs on you.

Homeschooling and DP moping around at home - all 3 of you at home almost all of the time... it would have most of us running for the hills... even with a non depressed DP.

How come you chose to ignore this, in the same paragraph, Boney?
"What I don't want is DP turning up here everyday and using DS as an excuse to keep tabs on me. That's what I envision happening."