Is Lack of sex ever a vaild reason to end relationship?

[balotelli]

Dw and I have been married for 10+ yrs. 1 DC (3).
Her libido has basically died. It was never rampant but now is down to 3 x a year and then when we do dtd I feel that its out of duty not pleasure.
We have a brilliant relationship in every other way, no money worries, make each other laugh lots, have nice house, holidays etc etc But the big old elephant sits in the corner and wont budge.
I know I cantface the rest of my life having making love 3x a year or less. The frustration and feelings of rejection are driving me mental and making depressed.
Dw wont talk about it as she says 'its the way she is and there is nothing that can be done about it'.
Just wanted your insightful thoughts, input and advice before I make a rash descision I may regret for ever.
Thank you for reading.

What's the rash decision exactly and what's brought this to a head?

Hi i have been in a sexless marriage for 16 years this year.
i had a long term affair 8 years ago after losing ten stone.
I ended the affair 4 years ago and am still in my marriage.
DH became disabled six years ago.
There are no hugs no affection no sex whatsoever. Sometimes i dont think about it for a while but every now and then i get very depressed about it.
It is soul destroying.

I do think it can be a valid reason for ending a relationship, if you cannot live with it and it makes you feel rejected and depressed then it could be a good enough reason to end your marriage.

Yes it can be a valid reason. In your case her refusal to talk about it, or do anything about, it is worse in some ways as it shows she is being emotionally distant (hinting at a wider problem in the relationship) and maybe she is not respecting your feelings enough? I wonder why she is not willing to face up to it?

I remember solid gold brass asking on another thread........ Why doesnt the one who doesnt want sex anymore end the relationship?

Until she said that last summer looking at it that way simply didnt occur to me.
Since talking on these boards i have been looking at life a little differently.

Is she happy with the situation? I mean, it may be 'how it is' but surely it would be better for her if her libido was more "normal"?

Any chance of getting her to the GP to discuss it?

Difficult one. I'm pretty much in the same situation with my DH, he has virtually no libido either. I consider my options a lot, but it's difficult because I love him very much.

'It's that way she is and nothing can be done about it'..Put up or shut up basically, totally unfair.

'I know I can't face the rest of my life having making love 3x a year or less. The frustration and feelings of rejection are driving me mental and making depressed.' I think this statement would be a valid enough reason for me to seriously question my relationship or at the very least insist on change. Only you know if it's valid enough to question yours.

You have my sympathy, it's a painful state to be in.

She does seem to be 'happy' with the situation.
If I try to bring the subject up she gets a bit agressive and defensive. She cant see the point of going to GP as she is convinced there is nothing that can be done. SHe just has a low sex drive... end of discussion.

If she has decided it is what it is and won't give you a reason and won't seek help. Yes it is a valid reason.

I'm going to cut to the chase. Is there someone else and this is what's brought it to a head, requiring you to make a decision?

TBH yes, I think it's valid. I think a person who withdraws from their sex life unilaterally always risks their partner leaving.

I do also think that all many relationship problems where the children are below school age are worth working at, because things are so extreme at that age. So I guess I'd say, if you can see yourself working with your DW at this for a couple of years, then do so. But not for the rest of your life.

The NHS do provide sex therapy, at least in some areas. Would she consider it? it does sound as if she has decided this is normal for her now.

Is she fit and healthy- this can be a real barrier to libido?

it can be a valid reason if you cannot sustain the marriage as a result I suppose. It is never good to make a rash decision when it comes to the people who are closest to you. If you leave, this does not automatically bring with it a fulfilling sex life. Might, might not. You would lose the friendship/companionship of dw which I presume is there as you say it is otherwise a brilliant relationship so you have a lot to lose. Your dc will naturally be affected and your relationship with your dc will change if you no longer live together.

I'd think long and hard but in the end, if you can't cope with it and dw is happy with things the way they are, it does seem a dead end.

Are you considering staying married but having sexual relationships with other people alongside?

x-posts, sorry.

i think that ending a relationship with somebody who can't enjoy sex but would like to would be a terrible thing.

but ending a relationship with somebody who doesn't want sex with you is perfectly reasonable.

the challenge is finding out if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, or if she can't enjoy sex right now for a psychological, emotional or physical reason that could be overcome.

'It was never rampant'

What I've noticed, thread after thread after thread on MN, is that the warning signs for dysfunction within a relationship -and I think that a healthy sex life, desired by both parties in a relationship, is required for happiness, else why bother getting together in the first place, unless, that is, BOTH people in the relationship aren't into the physical side of love, and then well, I guess it's a match made in sexless heaven - I tigressed a bit then, but in thread after thread after thread, it has become crystal clear that certain things one or the other partner didn't quite dig about the other, were clear, were visible, early on, so why on earth folks then have kids together, get married, and get deeper entrenched into something they should have walked away from to begin with, beggars belief.
And then kids are involved, mortgages, and so on.
Why do people do this to themselves?
'He has always been like this'
'She has always been like this'
Go figure why you're not happy in the end.
You should have walked on at the 6th sign of such incompatibility.

I think in itself lack of sex isn't a good reason to end a relationship. But it's really not fair to brush aside your feelings so coldly and simply refuse to talk about it. It shows that your feelings don't matter to her ... or at least they don't matter enough.

I would hate to be in your situation. While I was pregnant with dd my dh wouldn't have sex with me (apart from once or twice) then after she was born it was a long time - over 6 months - before I felt physically ready again. But by this time dh seemed to have got used to no sex, and although he wanted it he didn't know how to ask for it. I just carried on feeling rejected and undesirable, we failed to communicate properly about it, and it was an incredibly difficult time in our relationship. I think if we hadn't managed to get our sex life back on track eventually (thankfully as we both still wanted sex, we did manage to talk about it properly and sort it out) we would have split up.

For me it's a dealbreaker unless there is a valid reason or the other person is willing to seek help.

SHe is perfectly fit and healthy. Size 10 exercises regularly has no medical issues. To her the idea of sex is 'unpleasant' and so does not make the effort but thinks that I shoud basically 'please myself' so to speak.
I love her loads. SHe is the best friend I've ever had and my DC is amazing. I do not want to leave but dont see why I should be unhappy for the next 40 years.

so what do you think is the solution?

Yes it's a perfectly valid reason to end a marriage.

However, have you looked at all the other factors that might be leading to her low libido? You say it's a good relationship, is it good for her?

When did her libido start to die? After she had a child?

What is the domestic set up? Does she have a job? Does she do most of the boring domestic chores? Does she feel taken for granted? Is sex another domestic chore for her, or is it a sensual delight? Does she have orgasms when you do have sex?

Your DC is only 3. It can take some women a long time to get back into liking sex after having a child. How old are you both?

Have you asked her if she is happy in the relationship? Not just about sex, but about the relationship as a whole?

What does she mean by 'please yourself'?

Masturbation?

Or seeking sex elsewhere?

Why is the idea of sex unpleasant to her?

Has it always been unpleasant?

With you? With every partner she's ever had? Has she had a bad sexual experience in her life that she needs to work through (1 in 4 women get raped or sexually assaulted in their lives, so it's not beyond the bounds of possibility and most don't tell anyone, even their husbands. Many don't acknowledge it for years either)?

She says she is happy in our relationship.
We used to dtd every 3-4 weeks and I could just about cope with that until recently but now it is every 3-4 months.
She is a SAHM and she says that I do too much around the house.I do not expect her to do any house work, cooking etc. I like housework, and take dc out at weekends so she can have lie ins etc
WRT sex, I enjoy silver medal sex. I come second. Her pleasure is my main aim and I make sure she orgasms every time. She is 12 years younger than me.. mid 30s

If I knew what the solution was I would be putting it to practice and not wasting tissues!

I think most folks on MN, make their beds and then don't like the sheets they chose. However, spouses and children can't be 'taken back' and 'refunded' that easily, as MN makes clear.
What instead ensues is heartache and unhappiness, sometimes for an entire lifetime.

Is an affair in the cards?

So sorry you are going through this. I too am in the same (sexless) boat.