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Original poster

Is Lack of sex ever a vaild reason to end relationship?

233 replies

balotelli · 17/01/2012 21:05

Dw and I have been married for 10+ yrs. 1 DC (3).
Her libido has basically died. It was never rampant but now is down to 3 x a year and then when we do dtd I feel that its out of duty not pleasure.
We have a brilliant relationship in every other way, no money worries, make each other laugh lots, have nice house, holidays etc etc But the big old elephant sits in the corner and wont budge.
I know I cantface the rest of my life having making love 3x a year or less. The frustration and feelings of rejection are driving me mental and making depressed.
Dw wont talk about it as she says 'its the way she is and there is nothing that can be done about it'.
Just wanted your insightful thoughts, input and advice before I make a rash descision I may regret for ever.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
balotelli · 17/01/2012 21:49

Wouldnt seek sex elsewhere, wouldnt know where to look!
She has never 'really' enjoyed sex and is a strict missionary girl. Things just seem to be getting worse. I cant think of a trigger for the decline.
According to her she has never been abused or had any bad experiences. Her parents had bad marriage and her D ran off with younger woman (20 years ago)
I trust her implicitly and know she would not look elsewhere.

OP posts:
landphil · 17/01/2012 21:51

Yes, perfectly valid

BasilRathbone · 17/01/2012 21:51

Have you considered counselling?

carernotasaint · 17/01/2012 21:53

Hi Geordie So he didnt do the counselling after all then?

Eurostar · 17/01/2012 21:59

It sounds like you take away her choices quite a lot? You decide that you will do domestic chores and take DC out for her to have a lie in when she asks you to not to do so much. Why do you not do as she asks? Do you think she is not telling the truth when she says she is happy for you to not do housework?

When you do get around to sex it might be that she feels great pressure to show she has orgasmed so that you relax into it. It's very possible she feels pressure to fake orgasm with you so you will finish. She likely would not want to lie to you so might shy away from sex completely. So perhaps, having never really got into the joy of sex with you, this is the one area where she can make a choice, and it is great that you respect that choice.

Maybe suggest she reads this link and thinks about visiting a therapist with you or alone? www.cosrt.org.uk/. You need to commit to live with what you hear if she can open up, she may be really scared of hurting you if she tells the truth about her lack of enjoyment.

Original poster
balotelli · 17/01/2012 21:59

AF? where are you Grin

OP posts:
bushymcbush · 17/01/2012 21:59

I would seriously suggest counselling. If she won't, I would have to consider leaving. She can't just dismiss such an important part of a marriage without at least trying.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/01/2012 22:00

If she genuinely orgasms every time then I have no idea why she wouldn't want more sex.

If she finds the idea unpleasant she should absolutely have some counselling. Having an active sex life is really important and it is not reasonable for two healthy people to go without it.

Her refusal to talk though is the problem - do you even know if she regularly masturbates?

And having a low libido is a medical condition - yes sure it sounds like a psychological problem but it could easily be moderate depression or low iron levels.

BayPolar · 17/01/2012 22:00

Do what my friend does, then. His wife hates giving him bjs, even though she likes him going down on her. She told him that he could get his bjs from elsewhere, so he goes to an ex-gf. I think this is pretty sick, to tell you the truth, but the wife wanted kids, he was a sperm donor in the end, not much more, as things have panned out, and he's not happy in the relationship as a whole, but at least he gets some good sex outside of the marriage, and she, strangely, condones it.
Maybe your DP/wife will agree to this as it's not fair that your sex life has to remain fallow for the rest of your life.
Not fair at all.

lubeybooby · 17/01/2012 22:00

imho yes it's a valid reason - if nothing can be done about it (gently of course, with counselling/therapy if needed or wanted) and sex drives are that badly matched then it isn't going to be a fulfilling relationship.

maleview70 · 17/01/2012 22:01

If everything else is as good as you say then its not without risk. Some people just have a very low sex drive. Its not an illlness. People who want regular sex always assume that everyone should be like them but clearly she has never really been into sex as your once every 3-4 weeks at the peak of your relationship testifies.

If you do split up then you have to come to terms with the fact that you wont see your child every day. Its hard, i have been there. A new

I would not normally advocate seeking sex elsewhere but sometimes maybe that would be the answer as long as you can seperate sex from love as many man can. There are websites to find this sort of thing.

Original poster
balotelli · 17/01/2012 22:02

eurostar, I dont take her choices away, she doesnt like house work I do. Its simple. we discuss these things all the time so that we are not taking each other ofor granted or expecting too much of each other...... if only we could discuss sex the same way.
She thinks that all counselling is like the Relate sex therapy counselling which we have tried and it didnt work.

OP posts:
Original poster
balotelli · 17/01/2012 22:04

She says she doesnt masturbate, ever and never has!

OP posts:
BasilRathbone · 17/01/2012 22:07

I wouldn't recommend infidelity, it will be the start of the end of your marriage because it will kill the friendship you have with your DW.

Infidelity is a breach of trust; a marriage where the partners allow each other to have sex elsewhere is totally different because it doesn't involve lying and gaslighting the other partner

I think you need to prove to her that not all relationship counselling is the same as the counselling you've already had - find a few different ones.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/01/2012 22:08

Why didn't your sex therapy 'work'?

Geordieminx · 17/01/2012 22:09

carer no, no counselling. Sporadic drs appointment but nothing has changed.

Baoteli, I feel your pain, really I do. I'm not sure whether I could destroy our family because of my own sexual frustrations, but I also know I can't go on like this.

I'm aporox the same age as your wife, my Dh is late 49's and reckons men his age aren't bothered about sex Sad

BayPolar · 17/01/2012 22:09

Why not have a surgical castration? Then you too would lose your libido and it would finally be a match made in sexless heaven.
Or there could be pills you might be able to take that would help you lose your libido.

NotMostPeople · 17/01/2012 22:10

Do you ask her regularly for sex or make it clear that's what you are after?

Cherriesarelovely · 17/01/2012 22:12

I feel for you OP. I have a close friend in this situation. Her DH never wants sex and makes all number of excuses, this has been going on for years. He is a lovely, lovely person and they have 2 teenage DDs, who are absolutely brilliant girls. It is very difficult for her as it has made her feel very rejected and unattractive. I can't see them ever separating but on the other hand I don't think it's a good situation and I wouldn't think badly of her if she did leave.

ThatVikRinA22 · 17/01/2012 22:14

if she completely clams up and refuses to even discuss it, then i dont know what else you can do tbh?

it is absolutely her right not to have sex
it is absolutely yours to leave the marriage if you are not happy

what do you think she would do if you called her bluff and said you were making plans to leave? would this jolt her into some counselling or attempt the help herself do you think?

i think, if i were you, and all else has failed, if you are truly at the point you want to end your marriage then i would spell it out, and start to go through the motions.

its risky though, so be sure you are ready to end it if it does go tits up....

i did this - i made plans to move out and put a deposit on a flat. Told dh and he suddenly came alive...he even organised the counselling. it saved our marriage, but i was fully intent on going through with moving out if it hadnt.

BayPolar · 17/01/2012 22:17

Have you kept yourself in good shape or are you overweight/smoke/generally unhealthy.
This could be putting her off having sex with you, if you are any of the above.

carernotasaint · 17/01/2012 22:20

Baypolar it can happen the other way round you know.
I regained some weight after ending my affair and going back to a sexless existence.
And Baypolar would you have asked the same question if the OP was female?

landphil · 17/01/2012 22:20

Have you considered asking her whether she could accept you having other sexual partners while you stay together ? Would you consider that ?

BayPolar · 17/01/2012 22:23

Male/Female, I would have asked the same question.

bushymcbush · 17/01/2012 22:23

If she has never masturbated, I'm struggling to believe that she has ever truly had an orgasm.