Is Lack of sex ever a vaild reason to end relationship?

[balotelli]

Dw and I have been married for 10+ yrs. 1 DC (3).
Her libido has basically died. It was never rampant but now is down to 3 x a year and then when we do dtd I feel that its out of duty not pleasure.
We have a brilliant relationship in every other way, no money worries, make each other laugh lots, have nice house, holidays etc etc But the big old elephant sits in the corner and wont budge.
I know I cantface the rest of my life having making love 3x a year or less. The frustration and feelings of rejection are driving me mental and making depressed.
Dw wont talk about it as she says 'its the way she is and there is nothing that can be done about it'.
Just wanted your insightful thoughts, input and advice before I make a rash descision I may regret for ever.
Thank you for reading.

I doubt that passive aggression is ever a good plan if you actually want to save a relationship.

My objection to this OP using MN is not because he's a man or anything, but because his wife was here first (and it doesn't really matter how casually she uses the site; he knew she uses it). I'd feel the same if a male MNer's wife did the same.

MN is not the only place on the internet to get advice.

balotelli - posters pod out the PA/emotional blackmail line more often than the Duggar's have kids. Don't take it to heart. Advice is just that, take it all with a pinch of salt.

All the responses here are from separate people, so of course not everyone is going to agree. You've had positive advice from a lot of posters too, probably if you counted it up, more positive and constructive suggestions than negativity.

Definitely worth taking a look at the aven site, BTW, even if it is just difference of sex drive your relationship is suffering from.

If I said to DH 'you can't go on MN because I was here first', I'd get the look. Followed by 'I can go on whichever site I want to'. Which would be his right.

Also, quite a few female posters (myself included), have posted about being very unhappy with our DH's low/non existant libido, and not ONE person has said to us 'well maybe the problem lies with you'.

Bertie. Thanks, I know the majority of the posters have been wonderfully supportive and I do appreciate all the advice.
I have just been on the aven website and it is enlightening to say the least. Will be reading more on there over the next few days.

... I do like to 'give' oral to dw but she will only 'take' it for so long before wanting to 'finish' with penetration. She will never let me bring her orgasm through any other method even though I am happy to do so.

This sounds like me in the olden days. I'd say it's highly likely your DW has never come, or if she has, not with anybody else there. I used to always fake it and for me it was not being able to trust any partner enough to let go and be that out of control - not in front of anybody IYSWIM. I love oral, but back then, as soon as I got turned on, I'd clam up and want it over, it was all too intimate. I kind of enjoyed sex even so, just for the closeness but it got tedious and not worth the bother in LTR after a while.

With DP I decided it was time I grew up and stopped faking (which is bloody easy, BTW) and so I took a deep breath and said 'I've never come with anybody' at the start of the relationship. I was 30 . I couldn't have done it with anybody else except him.

It's been worth it

Good luck for this weekend. I've only read as far as page 8 so apologies if anything's happened on page 9 and this is totally inappropriate.

Damsel is making a lot of sense.

If your wife isn't enjoying the oral (and what you describe indicates that she doesn't), then don't do it, it's horrific if you don't want it.

I didn't notice that your wife used MN. If so, shame on you. There are hundreds of places (sex forums, marriage forums, women's forums, etc.) where you could have gone, rather than invading her space here.

I'm not entirely sure that the OP using MN is invading his wife's space that massively. It is possible for someone to be an occasional user of MN (eg maybe she pops in from time to time but sticks to weaning/primary school selection or whatever). Like it or not, MN is now a huge site with squillions of users so people can come on here anonymously and look for advice on problems they are having with other people who sometimes use MN.

Well, my husband frequents and comments on the Finance blogs/pages of the stuffiest newspaper, as well as those of the Speccie. Whilst I'm interested in money and politics, I'd naturally keep away from those places most of the time (except when he's getting me to read something or other), because it would strike me as at best sad and at worst really bloody creepy to follow him around. My husband doesn't read Mumsnet (ha! The idea.) or any of my special interest Web sites. You have to have a bit of mental space to call your own, surely?

The internet's a massive playground; I don't know what the OP think he is doing in his wife's sandpit.

Just read to page five.

Op, reading through, thoughts went back to my marriage, we had sex more often than you, though it wasn't enough for my exh. His other long term relationship ended similarily, with his sudden frustration at the situation.

Looking back there were three reasons, children and the emotional/physical demands. Another was ex inability to show any spark of fun in the bedroom, any role play, fantacy change of position was from me, he wasn't physically lazy, he was unimaginative or unwilling to share, I also felt he was holding back on something, and he resented I wouldn't take it up the bum and I resented him wanting it up the bum. the other nail in the coffin was him taking away the possibility of more children, after the vesectomy I realise now I resented him for it, he decided and talked me around, I often asked. him to reverse he wouldn't. I think the vesectomy was a big reason I was put off him. I wonder if any of those issues are involved in. your marriage?

He already said that 'Center Parcs' was not something he wanted on the menu.
As for the rest, I guess only the OP knows.

i can understand a little, OP. I really don't think your dw has a problem, i think you both have a problem - sexual incompatability. perfectly possible (likely) she can orgasm perfectly fine depending on chemistry w person, sorry . imho, that's the root of the problem.

i think you have every right to be on MN also!

Santa, et al -- the OP has never said it is solely a case of her sex drive being the problem nor is he looking for advice on how to 'fix her'. The wife is refusing to discuss the matter. That is at least 50% of the issue here. The fact that they can't even discuss it is at least half of the problem.

math not sure why you've put my name in that post - i haven't said those things you appear to think i've said. my take on it was very different to that - perhaps you've muddled me with someone.

my only gripe at the op was that he would use an internet space that his wife uses and be quite ok with the idea of her reading this and realising it's about her.

the only 'et al' consensus there's been that i've been involved in was that of finding it odd he used this forum.

Expat also has a point.

After many years of being rejected its possible that chemistry has gone, and it's very hard to get back.

Do you both still find each other attractive?

I was thinking of starting another thread in a quieter place, for those of us suffering the same sorts of problems, just do its a bit less google-able.

Anyone interested?

To answer the OP's original question : yes, perfectly reasonable IMO.

It is soul destroying when one partner is constantly rejected by the other and is made to feel that when sex is 'on offer', it is being done out of duty or under sufferance. No reasonable person would want to force their partner into a sexual encounter they clearly did not want and no reasonable person would make a unilateral decision to shut up shop and expect the other person to get over it.

It does sometimes seem as though some posters want to find fault with any man who posts here - no sex? well, clearly it is because the men are not doing enough housework/doing too much housework/not doing their fair share of childcare/doing too much childcare/too selfish in bed/too unselfish in bed. And the worst crime of all, posting about their problem on MN because their wife uses the site. Maybe, this OP has decided to post here in the hope that his DW WILL see it and realises how close to breaking point he is. She closes him down whenever he tries to talk about it - how else is he supposed to try to let her know how he feels and for them to try to come to a solution? Maybe the problem is not that his wife will recognise herself in the post, but that actually, a lot of women would so so!

If a woman posted to say that her husband refused to discuss a problem, she would be told he was being a controlling abuser. Any woman who posts about similar problems is told that it is her partner's duty to get to the doctor and sort out his sexual problem, when a man posts with the same problem, he is told it is his problem. Actually, it is their problem.

I feel great sadness for anyone in this position - I absolutely do not believe that anyone should feel they have to have sex when they do not want to, but I also do not believe it is reasonable to expect one partner to live an almost celibate lifestyle without any discussion or agreement on it. Many relationship problems can be sorted out with discussion and compromise, but sexual mismatches of this magnitude mean that there will always be resentment and sadness for both partners. One, because they are feeling frustrated and rejected and the other because they feel they are being violated. It is a problem that I do not see any way of resolving that is satisfactory for both parties.

Sayit I agree 100% with all of that. Bottom line is we are just human beings kicking around the world for an average of 70 years.. the older you get, the more you realise what a godam short time that is. Imo the only thing anyone is required to do on earth is treat other people with a modicum of respect, and I don't see why this particular problem can't be solved with some mutual respect, whether that results in them staying together or co-parenting amicably apart. At the moment, the key to the door that will unlock that solution lies mainly with the wife, if we're to believe all the information presented, and that does NOT mean she is a bad person, it just means she needs to get out of her comfort zone and engage in finding a solution.

Geordieminx i think a support thread is a great idea.Especially as Valentines Day is just around the corner..

Shall do it now in the place

I think it's a great idea too...

Hopefully OP will join us for gentle support rather than bollocking for using MN!!

It is very possible that I have confused you with someone else Santa, apologies..

As to the question of using MN maybe the OP has reached the end of his tether; maybe he has taken a look at other forums (fora?) and doesn't like the tone or the kind of attitudes he found. I like the idea of a support thread I don't see how the OP asked for anything but some sympathy and ideas as to how to proceed -- I think he may have intended this to be something of a support thread.

'the big old elephant sits in the corner and wont budge.
I know I cantface the rest of my life having making love 3x a year or less. The frustration and feelings of rejection are driving me mental and making depressed.
Dw wont talk about it as she says 'its the way she is and there is nothing that can be done about it'.
Just wanted your insightful thoughts, input and advice before I make a rash descision I may regret for ever.'

I don't see how this translates as 'help me fix my wife'.

In the context of a relationship where he is being driven mental by feelings of rejection and frustration and the other party won't even discuss it, the thought that the wife might see the thread and start paying attention is very understandable. He has not asked how he can dump her and take their child, leaving her to fend for herself.

He has made efforts to use the term making love instead of having sex (didn't cover his tracks very well but what the hey what is wrong with wanting to simply have sex?) and seems to have made a lot of effort to perform better, to please perhaps in hopes of changing her mind. Tough when there is no feedback except for possibly faked orgasms. I think the OP comes across as someone who doesn't want to hurt his wife and I don't think there was malicious intent in using MN. I also think he is feeling some sort of guilt, or at least a suspicion, that he has been forcing sex on her unwillingly (hence the references to her early life). I think he wants to know, basically, what is going on, where does he stand. Whatever is going on with her, she owes him an explanation.