Is Lack of sex ever a vaild reason to end relationship?

[balotelli]

Dw and I have been married for 10+ yrs. 1 DC (3).
Her libido has basically died. It was never rampant but now is down to 3 x a year and then when we do dtd I feel that its out of duty not pleasure.
We have a brilliant relationship in every other way, no money worries, make each other laugh lots, have nice house, holidays etc etc But the big old elephant sits in the corner and wont budge.
I know I cantface the rest of my life having making love 3x a year or less. The frustration and feelings of rejection are driving me mental and making depressed.
Dw wont talk about it as she says 'its the way she is and there is nothing that can be done about it'.
Just wanted your insightful thoughts, input and advice before I make a rash descision I may regret for ever.
Thank you for reading.

Is it just lack of sex though or is she feeling down about herself and undervalued as a SAHM? That can affect sex drive. And she may not be happy with her body after having kids, even though you don't see a problem?

But it does sound like she always had a rather low sex drive and that has intensified over the years.

But to answer your question, yes I would say that lack of sex is a valid reason, as it is one of the central things in a loving committed relationship and as well as that I would say that her unwillingness to talk about it/go to the doctor/discuss options is also a concern.

And in my experience lack of sex is usually a symptom of other issues in a relationship.

I'm in this situation, and am making plans to leave my husband as I just can't face the rest of my life with no sex. He knows I'm unhappy with the situation, we've spoken about it a few times, and last time he admitted he just didn't think about the lack of sex as its not a priority for him. He was really up for it when we got together, but high blood pressure, weight gain, long working hours etc have put paid to that.

I would be patient if it seemed like he wanted to do something about it but I refuse to have to start nagging/cajoling him into exercising, eating better, seeing his doctor for advice, if he can't do it off his own back. It has totally ruined our marriage. We're not a partnership now, just two people living in the same house with no glue to keep our relationship alive. The resentment I feel towards him is immense. He has made me feel undesirable, worthless and dried up, until I decided I had to do something aboutnit myself.

I have been with a few different men sexually in the last 18 months, and don't feel a shred of guilt, which is surely the biggest sign that the marriage is over. I just don't see how he has any right to be upset or angry about me getting something from otherpeople that he has no interest in having with me. Saying that, I know I can't do this indefinitely, and it's not great for my peace of mind to do it much more, but it has been a lifesaver for me. I'm a very sexual person, and I can honestly say (and I will tell him this when it all comes out) that if I had known it would be like this a few years down the line I never would have married him.

I really do feel for you, OP. It's no way to live :(

Some vague thoughts on the problem...

You say that you like 'silver medal sex'. This could actually be part of the problem. It might seem slightly bizarre to say, but concentrating on her pleasure etc, may be absolutely the last thing she wants.

She may feel very pressurised that she has to enjoy it, and that she has to come. That's certainly not going to increase her desire to do it (and may have contributed to her feeling that sex is 'unpleasant'). Similarly, it may mean that the sex goes on to the point where it starts to get uncomfortable and unenjoyable (where she's just wishing you'd get on with it, or that she hadn't agreed to it in the first place). Again, this might contribute to her feeling that sex is unpleasant.

It may also be very difficult for her to discuss this with you. It can be hard to tell someone who's really trying to please you that, in fact, you wish they hadn't bothered.

Yes I think it is a valid reason. Some people can do without sex and other people really feel very unwanted and frustrated without a healthy and fulfilling sex life. I am one of the latter people. After I ended my relationship that was pretty much sexless I have been able to discover a lot about my sexuality and to fulfill desires and urges a lot more. I have come to the realisation I am a very sexual being and I do need a healthy sexlife within a relationship. For me it is a dealbreaker not to have that (allowing for things such as incidents of stress or bad health and so on).

if I were you I would be really clear about just how serious this was for me. If you cannot live the next 40 years without a fulfilling sexlife then you cannot. That is nothing to be ashamed of and is a fair enough reason to move on if all avenues have been explored and there really is nothing else that can be done.

I honestly think that people minimise the importance of a healthy and fulfilling sexlife in a relationship. When you have it, believe me, it makes a huge difference, to everything.

Hugs to Iwas.xx Sorry i still cant work out how to work the smileys.

ImJustABloke.... but I've always told myself if I ever get into that situation I'd get myself out of it (one way or another). Life is too short, you only get to live once, and if you're so incompatible in one area that it's making you wonder whether it's even worth it.... you have a problem and it needs to be fixed.

If you have been blunt, honest and completely forthcoming about how much this is upsetting you and she STILL won't/can't try to make it better, you need to re-evaluate again, but this time the stakes will be that much higher.

imho, it's a valid reason.

Perfectly valid reason. Look into the question of how much you could see your child. You or she could move next door for instance. You might as well.

She sounds as if she has massive psychological issues and is just unwilling to address them. Maybe she needs sex therapy or maybe some sort of psychological counselling to get to the bottom of things. Does she know what is at stake?

As for faking it -- no great acting skills needed.

I'm in this situation. In my case it is my husband who doesn't want sex. ever. Not for over 11 years now.

I have been to hell and back over it. From eating myself half to death, to punishing myself in other ways, convincing myself it's because I'm repulsive, deciding he's gay, telling myself he's shagging other women, saying that it's no big deal and everything else you can think of!

He's affectionate and playful, but totally unable/unwilling to have sex. Do I leave him for that? Well. I ask myself - if he had an accident that made it so he was unable to have sex, or had an illness that rendered him incapable, would I leave him? Answer- no. In the same way that I wouldn't leave him if he had an accident that left him in a wheelchair. So it's not such a leap to say clearly he has a problem here and the act of him sticking a part of him into a part of me is really not a big deal. It's the other stuff that matters more, imo. Affection. Laughs. Intimacy comes in many forms, after all.

I can't say I'm happy with it. I'm bloody well not because I would love to feel desired. But the actual act of intercourse isn't that big a deal in itself, imo and tbh it's not that that I miss. It's how it makes you feel loved and close to someone. If you can find a way to have that without sex, then I think it's less painful than nothing at all.

That said - not being happy for whatever reason is a valid reason to leave

I was in a situation where there wasn't even affection. Not as much as an arm around my shoulders and the laughs were few and far between. If the unhappiness is something that is based inside you, if you're depressed, or if you're having some sort of mid life crisis and just need to get over yourself, then when there are children I think you owe it to all concerned to try to deal with the unhappiness, but if you know you need something reasonable that someone else just won't even discuss, then...

Justecate ive done the overeating thing too.

in my relationship i have the high sex drive my partner dosent i always feel sad and rejected. he never thinks to make moves on me. its always me instergating things i which he,d make the first move to show he loved me. i coulden,t leave him for this though. he shows me love in many other ways but i know where your coming from for me sex can bring you as one closer together when your not getting any the one with the high libdo can get pretty emotional it leaves them very fustrated, and almost unloved, and confused, it can become very stressful for them.

a question really if you left your wife an found another women would she have the same qualties you love in your wife? would you be happy? or is it just all sex and not much to go i often ask my self this an i know id never leave my partner.

OP, yes I do. I am in a sexless relationship with DP, we have been tog for 20 years. It has not always been like that but he refuses to deal with it, which for me is more of a bigger deal. The latest being that is it all my fault, I think really makes you disconnected.

Justhe "I have been to hell and back over it. From eating myself half to death, to punishing myself in other ways, convincing myself it's because I'm repulsive, deciding he's gay, telling myself he's shagging other women, saying that it's no big deal and everything else you can think of!* OMG Very sad but I so glad to hear it is just not me with those thoughts, that rang so many bells.

Goodluck OP, atleast it sounds like you have not lost your confidence, not sure what I would do if someone chated me up.

It hasnt always been this way! when we first got together we were like the proverbial bunnies several times a week but once married it just seemed to die a death. In one 'heated' discussion she admitted to using sex to get blokes to like her in the past but when i mentioned this later she back tracked, denied saying it then said I was different and she hadnt done that!
I really really dont want to leave. My dw is one of the best things to happen to me. I utterly adore her and we are great in every way apart from the one massive problem, though not too massive from her pov.
I have decided that having a big talk about this is my only option of moving forward and I plan to do this next weekend. When we have discussed this in the past I feel she thinnks its a way of me applying pressure which is why I havent mentioned sex for 2 years. so if my dates are correct then next weekend will be the wrong time of the month for dtd so hopefully she wont fell too pressurisedas she knows bugger all will happen.
Thanks again for reading and not being too critical. It helps to know I have some support out there.

I don't think you are going to get anywhere this weekend from the sound of things. It seems to me that she has massive issues in the self esteem department. Using sex to confirm that she is attractive or loveable often signifies problems that began in childhood. The one thing that you could reasonably hope to convey to her is that the problem is massive as far as you're concerned, and the reasonable thing I think you could ask is that she goes to some sort of therapy, because there seems to be a lot there under the surface that needs examining.

Just as a btw -- best not to bring up things a partner has previously confided to you in angry moments.

it always seems to be sex on tap when you first meet then as soon has you settle down the sex is available, but then the taps driedup

Math, I have learnt that things said in anger are best left in the dim and distant past, never to be revisited. Wont be doing that again... trust me.

In one heated discussion she admitted using sex to get blokes to like her then later denied it.
Ive heard others say on here that this is gaslighting.

It's clear she meant what she said... but obviously when you brought it up later, couldn't face admitting that she meant it because of the possible consequences, upsetting the apple cart etc.

Think it's pretty much a given, because of the relatively short time women have to reproduce, that many women who are not that into sex 'put out' at the start. If they didn't, they'd never snag anyone to kids with! Slaves to the ovaries...

Question for you op: if she'd had not that much interest in sex from the start, would you have married her?

Hello.
Very good question,
I dont honestly know.
For me sex is a very important part of a good marriage and at the start the sex was awesome and I have to admit probably did help in my decision to marry but......it was definately not the only reason I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful woman. She is very different to 99% of other females I know and just ......... her!
I desparately want to spend the rest of my life with her and dc so really want to sort this out but my 'natural' need for sex/intimacy etc is really really hard to ignore.
Not sure I can keep doing it for x number of years. I really wish I could. I would happily go for counselling if I thought it would help me to deal with my feelings but I'm not sure it would.

Well, it seems to me as if she's "got away with this" for so long because you haven't really got her to see quite what an issue it is for you. She's been very honest, by the sounds of it. She's not interested, get over it. She clearly has no doubt that you'd ever end the relationship. So why should she make the effort?
Maybe you should rock the boat a little, actually. It sounds as though you've been more than reasonable and patient so far.

And by "she's not interested, get over it," I mean that that's what she's saying, not what I think you should do. Not sure how clear that was!

Sex counselling has to be the only way. If she absolutely wont talk about it then you are justified in leaving. A sexless marriage is tough. I used to have one against my will.

Yes I agree with clam. In your conversation, you need to put the onus back on her as to how to go forward, e.g.
'I get that YOU'RE not into sex'
'How do YOU feel about the fact that I face a sexless life cos YOU are not into sex'
'If YOU were my shoes, what would YOU advise me to do'
'Do YOU think it's fair that because YOU'RE not into sex, that it's ok I should forego sex until I die? Is what YOU want more important than what I want? If not, how do we address this?'

Stuff like that might lead to a discussion on amicable co-parenting; she might even come to see that's for the best.

I don't mean as confrontational as that of course! Just the general vibe should be getting to see her role in what things have become and how things can change....