Is Lack of sex ever a vaild reason to end relationship?

[balotelli]

Dw and I have been married for 10+ yrs. 1 DC (3).
Her libido has basically died. It was never rampant but now is down to 3 x a year and then when we do dtd I feel that its out of duty not pleasure.
We have a brilliant relationship in every other way, no money worries, make each other laugh lots, have nice house, holidays etc etc But the big old elephant sits in the corner and wont budge.
I know I cantface the rest of my life having making love 3x a year or less. The frustration and feelings of rejection are driving me mental and making depressed.
Dw wont talk about it as she says 'its the way she is and there is nothing that can be done about it'.
Just wanted your insightful thoughts, input and advice before I make a rash descision I may regret for ever.
Thank you for reading.

It can be a perfectly valid reason to leave, but IME it's not the lack of sex that's the real issue. If there was a medical reason that sex was no longer an option, but the love, intimacy and caring for each other was still there (and that means putting the effort in to making sure your partner is saitsfied even if you're not) then I would still be married. Again, IME only, in situations like this, the 'no libido' partner takes on some 'holier than though' attitude with the intent of making the other partner feel ashamed of having sexual needs (I know this isn't the case in all instances from other threads on here, just my experience).

Sexual needs in a relationship are just the same as any other needs (hunger, sleep, mental stimulation etc etc), if you loved your partner you would want them to be able to satisfy those needs, and for some couples that may mean an 'open' relationship where sexual needs are met elsewhere but the love and intimacy is reserved for the primary relationship.

Fwiw, after having a sexless relationship for over 5 years (total of 20+ yr relationship), I received 'tacit' approval to have an affair (ie I don't care what you do as long as I don't have to acknowledge it). All the affair did was show that what I was really missing was the 3 'A"s, affection, attention, appreciation, not the sex. Now divorced, still not having 'regular' sex (although more frequent than probably the last ten years of my marriage) but I'd rather be where I am now than where I was then

Oh dear, sorry for the epic post , it's still a sore spot

Berries youve put it across so well. DH has said the same to me (i dont care what you do as long as you are discreet about it)

What Helltotheno said.

The 'silver medal sex' boast made me cringe, too. I fully agree with the poster DamselinDisarray on this. And I agree with the posters who suspect your wife has never had an orgasm.

If I felt I had to feign an orgasm every single fucking time, I'd go off sex pretty quickly, too.

It's a VERY beautiful and special feeling, having been made love to by someone you love. Orgasms (though AMAZING) have nothing to do with this. 'Silver medal sex' (ugh!) sounds prolonged and awful, as carried out by a bloke more focussed on his own admirable performance than on the beauty of the woman he's making love to.

Don't mean to offend. You sound quite nice, actually.

Attention affection and appreciation.

Never were truer words spoken.

Have to admit I cringed at the 'silver medal sex'

Reminded me of an extremely well endowed guy I once met. He had absolutely no idea how to use the fine gift that God had given him, and just kept pummelling away until I pretended to climax, then he would do his thing. One of the most boring experiences of my life.

Agree with the silver medal sex thing. An ex of mine always used to have to make me come first (I think he thought he was being "noble" or unselfish). I found it boring and felt very pressured to "fake" it so it could be over. Not enjoyable.

Also, I never realised at the time, but I had never actually orgasmed with him. Had my first orgasm about a year later with a different boyrfiend. Despite years of frantic masturbation etc I had thought I had come but obviously realised I hadn't when I had a proper one.

It can be difficiult for women to know they've had one until theyve really had one and then sex takes on a whole new purpose!!

If she's never truly orgasmed, and she feels under pressure to come first, no wonder she's not having fun.

I don't have any answers though. If she doesn't want to search for the holy grail, you can't make her.

Hope you work something out.

Otherwise, you could always hook up with one of the women on here who is unhappily in a sexless marriage

OP, it is absolutely a valid reason to end a relationship IMO.

It is a bit different if a partner doesn't want it, but wants to start 'wanting it' again, if you get me. Or realises the the other person feels rejected and doesn't feel the situation is acceptable. Surely then any loving, caring person would want to change or get help?

If you are saying that your DW iS such a fantastic woman in every way and she loves you, then surely she can see that you are unhappy.

Now either you are not making yourself crystal clear with your DW OR she is a selfish woman who knows that you will put up with whatever she says or does. In which case you haven't really got a wonderful relationship. Either that, or she does like sex but not with you.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I am always totally amazed at these type of threads where the op says 'oh apart from this everything is great'. A sexless or almost sexless marriage is only great if that is what you both want.

Another thing that always confuses me is when it is mentioned that actually the other persons libido was never good and that in fact, you were never sexually compatitable from the start. Well, hello! It is not suddenly going to be fantastic. Do alarm bells not ring. It seems some people just allow themselves to drift into long term relationships with people they are totally mismatched sexually with and then complain years down the line that their missus never gives em a blow job(when she never did from day one0.

I haven't read all of this thread OP, but what exactly have you said to your DW?

Always a good idea to read the thread to save OPs from having to repeat themselves ad nauseum. One of the things he DID say was that he probably would've married her anyway on the basis of the strength of his general feelings towards her.

Another thing he said was that the sex was fantastic in the beginning but once they were married she raised the drawbridge and that was pretty much the end of it. Understandably, he is now feeling that he was a victim of the old bait and switch.

Well I read at the beginning of the thread that he said her libido was never great at the start. Later on, he said they were at it like bunnies.so which was it?!
And if he did marry her on the strength of his feelings then why is he complaining now? Did he hope that she would magically turn into some sex goddess or perhaps that his sex drive would disappear too.

Don't get me wrong this is a nightmare situation and one I could not imagine, but although the OP has my sympathy, I can't help think it was always on the cards.

"She may feel very pressurised that she has to enjoy it, and that she has to come"

Yep.

I have a low sex drive. I have even wondered if I am asexual. I can honestly say I'd not miss it if it never happened again. It does happen. Because I love DH and want him to he happy. But his need to make me enjoy it as much if not more than him is a burden TBH. Sometimes sex being casual and easy-going and just not that big a deal is hugely refreshing.

And I am sure she isn't happy with the situation OP. Whatever she says. Unless she is some sort of monster of selfishness I'd put money on her feeling very uncomfortable and guilty.

It's a tricky one. I think she deserves to know just how much this is effecting you. I don't mean give her an ultimatum exactly, but feel she has a right to know that this could spell the end of your relationship in the long run because of how big an issue it is for you. If she still refuses to get help or even talk about it, then you may have your answer.

It might sound weird, but she might feel relieved if you suggest having sex regularly but without her orgasming. It may be an added preasure for her at the moment. Sometimes "quickies" are less daunting.

A friend of mine with very low sex drive after having her dcs, gave DH a birthday gift of sex every day for a year!! Sounds extreme I know, but they did it every day for a month then he buckled and said he couldn't manage it every day! But it gave her her sex drive back and their sex life as a couple back on track.

I do admit to focusing on her pleasure more than anything but thats not to say I dont enjoy sex with dw because i really do. I am a bit more adventurous and willing to try 'almost anything' though I would draw the live at going to 'Centre Parcs'.
Definately do not 'bang away' continuosly in the hope she screams the house down and often ask what she wants me to do, if its ok etc...
Am going to have THE conversation next weekend. Do not want to go down the change or else i'm off route but will try to express my hurt and frustration. I know she will not want to talk about it, she never does but I will try to be calm, pleasant but persistant.

Sorry- haven't got time for all 5 pages but I don't think it's been asked. Are you sure your wife is straight? Have you got any reason to suspect she might not be?

Kittens Yes I am 100% sure my dw is straight. She is a very moral and honest person. She will tell cashier if she has been under charged at shop, she wont do 'Santa' as its lying to kids (we do still have xmas just not the be good or santa wont come with his flying reindeer, down the chimney and leave all the presents bullshit) SHe will always talk about things first and just would not live a lie although she just wont open up about sex..... I think its really uncomfortable for her for some reason. I really think we can get through this one way or another. I really want to, lets hope she does too.

Would it be easier for you both if you wrote down your thoughts/feeling and then gave that to her? A discussion can go well, or not. If she feels backed into a corner then I'm guessing that it won't go well. It could also get heated and things could be said in anger or frustration by either of you that are not easily forgotten.

A letter - she can read and digest at her own pace, you can say what you want to and really think about the words you are using. Hopefully, she might be able to respond, either talking about it or writing it down if she can't talk about it.

Good luck.

I don't know if men of partners who go off sex feel the same as women but I think we all mourn the lack of love, affection & just knowing someone damn well fancies the pants off us! I'm in the same boat & have had many conversations with my DH too but the blame always ends up back on me (too fat, too miserable, he wants to leave but can't etc etc). We did have a great sex life for the first few years so I didn't choose this but it's hard to throw our whole family life away for the lack of sex. I'm glad you're still trying to get through to your DW & really hope things improve for you. Keep complimenting her & telling her how beautiful she is & how much you love her & that might help her feel more affectionate.

thanks midwife.
I never have stopped compimenting her or telling her how much i love her. Part of the problem is that even after over 10 years together, i still think she is the most beautiful, sexiest, wonderful person ever!!

I did try the letter idea once but she wasnt impressed. will def do the face to face next weekend. I've written down every thing I want to say so hopefully wont dry up and bottle out. this means too much to mess it up.

Good grief MW99 - how do you live with someone who tells you they want to leave but can't. I feel very sad for you

I know you think she is honest, moral and whatever, but I think she has some major issue that maybe she feels she can never talk about with anyone when it comes to sex. I don't think the two of you together will be able to tackle it. You will need reinforcements in the shape of a therapist/psychologist.

I don't want to sabotage this thread but yes it's awful regularly being told by your DH that they are trapped & only duty makes them stay & that you're too unattractive & unpleasant to love. I will reach the brick wall one day when my unhappiness is greater than my fear of failure & loneliness. Meanwhile it's good to hear of a man who loves his wife so much.

balotelli maybe 'Centre Parcs' is secretly what she's after!

Anyway best of luck with the chat. If she tries to sidetrack or wriggle out, drop the 'do you realise the future of our relationship is in jeopardy' bomb.