Close Encounters of The Intimate Kind! Dating thread No:8

[TimeForSomeAction]

Continued from Makes post and in reply of:

Make just ask him. Why not? And of course you are going to be a bit of a mystery woman, he's only just blooming met you! Send him a message saying if he fancies unravelling a bit of the mystery then to get in touch because you would like to see him again. Be playful, be teasing, be fun, make him want you Make

I'm pleased you are having fun but I do have to ask, is all this dating costing you loads of money?? New outfits etc

Helloooo all. I have had another very nice evening/night/morning with my FWB. He noticed I'd lost weight, major brownie points for him :o

I know but coffee dates work out a lot cheaper and require a lot less effort than getting all dressed up for an evening date. If you don't hit it off it can be such an anti climax. If you hit it off over coffee then you progress to drinks in a pub.

I've heard nothing further from him!

Fwiw, I'm usually happy to go for either drinks or coffee, but he just suggested meeting in the day as he works most nights which was fair enough.

I wouldnt have gone for dinner but that's mainly because I'm funny about eating in front of people I don't know, and also quite fussy foodwise.

Not worth it then.....the bloke i was talking to has gone quiet. Have spoken today. Dont think he wants to meet up until i am divorced......how god damned long is that going to take??? He has said he was planning on going into london tomorrow, i havent offered to accompany him, he said he might go round museums. I would like to accompany him. What to do/say without seeming too pushy/over confident?

I think you are wasting your time with him Ellen. Has he actually said the divorce is an issue for you or are you presuming? I also think if he wanted you to come along he would have asked. By all means keep talking to him if you want but I would get chatting with some others too. Keep your options open!

Just ask if he wants any company ellen, then he can take you up on it if you want. That's is what my date for tomorrow said to me and I took it as him asking to meet in a casual wouldn't be offended if I had I said no way. Have you got a babysitter?

No baby sitter either, but he did say about going to a museum or sight seeing as he has only just moved down to london, so me having to take my LO with me wouldnt be an issue. I should probably just ask....will wait and see when he is next online....hopefully tonight. He hasnt said its an issue, suppose i am just presuming really, he has asked if it has come through yet though.

Ellen what??! You can't take your child to meet a complete stranger off the internet! Is this for real? Believe me when I say that social services would have serious concerns if they knew you were doing that.

I'm sorry but you seriously need to work on your boundaries.

I have a good friend coming with me if i ask. Just dont really trust anyone else with my Little Boy, he stays with me in new places at least at first. Anyway, how else can i go. I always would make sure it was completely public...i mean how much more public can central london be? I wouldnt be going back anywhere with anyone, not until i knew them really well. You are always meeting strangers and i am being very careful, making sure i am at least possible risk. Probably less at risk than meeting someone and bringing them home

You cannot take your child! Really really don't.

Seriously, my dates know I have a child and that she is a toddler. That is it.

If there is no way you can't go without taking your dc you just don't go. Even if nothing else would your date not mind?

I suppose it was different when i went to meet emma, she has a little girl herself and we went school together and although we have both grown up and look a lot different we still could recognise each other.

I might have to ask someone to baby sit, but who. April always did it before or catherine(my friends daughters aged 18, and 17).

You absolutely cannot take your child on a date Ellen. I'm sorry :(

probably right. also a good excuse if it goes dreadfully oh is that the time, i must go i have to pick my little one up from the baby sitter...if it goes well and he mentions it i would just say a friend has him and they dont mind

I do meet strangers Ellen but I am an adult and only responsible for myself on my dates. I'm very aware of boundaries and risks and red flags and I always always take reasonable precautions to ensure my safety. I never give out personal information such as my address and I certainly only give very limited information about my children. I do not discuss anything about my past that may hint to a potential abuser that I could be vulnerable. I always meet people in a public place. If I'm going back to someones house at the end of the night I make sure I text their address and phone number to a friend so that someone knows where I am at all times. I also make sure my date knows I'm doing this. These are just some of the necessary steps I take to protect myself whilst I'm having fun.

As an adult I am allowed to decide for myself what is an acceptable level of calculated risk. It is unnacceptable however to knowingly put your child at any level of risk.

I'm trying really hard not to come across as overly critical Ellen. I'm sure you're a brilliant mum and that you love your boy to absolute bits. But I'm not some ranting random. Part of my job in domestic abuse service provision involves child protection. And I can tell you in no uncertain terms that if I knew a woman I was supporting was taking her children on online dates I would be duty bound to inform social services.

There really isn't any room for negotiation here. You cannot take your child to meet someone you've only spoken to online. It's dangerous.

Think your right having looked and thought about it. Best to live him with his auntie and her partner peter. At least i know he will be safe there and they have the travel cot too so if he wants a sleep he can.

Think i might stick to my old friends (not dating) cos i know them and some of them have kids (went to all girls school), so i know if we go out and i have to take LO, they are more than likely having to take their LO too, so no problems there. Just want a bit of male company. Maybe i am not over my ex. Maybe that was why i went online to get over him. I felt good talking to someone i thought was nice...now i am not so sure....maybe life teaches you a lot and maybe i have to experience it to know.

Don't feel too disheartened Ellen - you've had a horrendous time by the sounds of it. 23 is very young to be coming out the other side of such an abusive relationship. But the positive side to that is that you really have still got your whole life ahead of you!

I can understand that you want some male company. Me too! We all date online for that reason.

I think having a group of friends who have children of similar ages is a really positive thing when you're a single mum because like you say, when you get together, the activities are always geared around the kids and you can all empathise with eachother and give eachother support. Lean on your friends when you need to.

Only you will know when you're ready to date again. None of us can tell you that. But it really is in your best interests to read up on safety precautions, and also to find out how to spot the warning signs that a man may be abusive. It's amazing what some men say, even online, that can help you weed out the bad'uns. There's some good books you can read if you're interested: The Freedom Programme by Pat Craven is good, as is Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Both of those books contain really useful information that you can use to protect yourself.

In the meantime keep posting on here!

I sound so god damned young and niave. I have never had to worry about the dating thing before, my ex before my ExH i went to school with and had known for as long as i could remember. Dating i was never very good at to be honest. I might just keep talking to some male friends online for now and take things really slowly. I feel ready, i want to get back out there and be me again! I feel like the old confident me is finally returning and it feels good and so what if i want to flaunt it....just need to make sure it doesnt put my LO in any danger or me....some of the risky things i done when i was 15/16 i wouldnt dream of doing now. I actually one night walked the road stephen lawrence was killed on, at 4 am in the mornin g half drunk half exhausted with no buses and someone pulled over and i ended up jumping in a strangers car, looking back it was stupid. He was early twenties and did suggest on a number of occasions that i go back to his to sleep it off! I didnt i got dropped off at the hospital, from where i could get a bus. Now that was STUPIDLY STUPID. I am on here really for dating advice and i do appreciate that you are all helping me. Its acceptable to take him out with people i know right....all those i know here i went to school with and are mainly female? A couple are male, but i know they wouldnt harm me...they wanted to go nad beat the hell out of my ex

Of course you can take him out with people you already know and trust!

Just been on POF and someone after 3 messages has asked for my phone number. WHICH I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE THEM. Maybe would if i had a pay as you go sim JUST for that, but mine is a contract sim so not good idea and in mums name. I am definetly being sensible there right?

People do look at me a bit weird though when me and a male friend go out together and are giggling and laughing etc. It is really clear he isnt the father and sometimes we act like a pair of teenagers winding each other up. Like putting cream from my hot c hocolate on my nose!

Heard nothing further from yesterday's date. So about 7pm I sent him a slightly sarcastic text to the effect of how awful he must still be waiting for the AA after 4 hours.

That went completely over his head as I got a reply saying they had been and couldnt fix it so he was waiting for someone else to come out and look at it (wtaf?! my dad was a mechanic, chances of anyone coming out on a saturday night to your house I would have said slim to none!) but he still wanted to meet me blahblahblah.

So I said that if that was the case I was sure he would contact me once it was fixed. Again slightly sarcastic, I think the whole car thing was bullshit so I know he has no intention of contacting me and won't do so. He replied yes of course he will, needs to be fixed today so he can see his kids.

And of course I've heard nothing further. Deleted from phone and blocked on POF. It was the stupidity that irritated more than the lying in the end!

Gah what an eejit he is Sponge, at least you found that out before you spend time actually meeting him :)

Grr sponge reminds me of someone I dated. He'd be hot and cold, telling me he wanted to see me but not actually doing it. Saying he was busy but would come round when he could, then silence. But if I evre asked him outright did he want to still see me he'd say yes of course I do I'm just busy/have my kids/am ill/insert other excuse. Then I'd see him and he'd be lovely so I'd wonder what I'd worried about until the next time he went quiet. Was such a headfuck, wasted so much energy trying to figure out what he wanted/if I should text. Think he was keeping me on back burner and wasn't actually that interested but didn't want to be the bad guy by saying so, even when I asked him outright and gave him the opportunity to

Haven't posted since before xmas but hope everyone is well. May have a date on weds, first in a long time as have pretty much given up for now.

Gah these men Sponge. I've decided I'm checking myself into the local nunnery.