Please help me with this predicament

[cumbria81]

This may be long ? apologies in advance.

Bit of backstory so you get the full picture:

Ex DP (let?s call him Harry) and I were together for 7 years (no children) I ended the relationship 18 months ago. Six weeks after ending it, I decided I had made a mistake and asked for him back. He couldn?t decide and kept me (unintentionally, I think) on a string for 6 months, before meeting someone else (let?s call her Jane). Jane and Harry have been together for a year. However, Harry and I have remained friends and now Harry is suggesting he is not very happy with Jane and misses me. I also miss him and would entertain the notion of getting back together, but he has not asked me, and I do not know if it would be possible.

Over the summer I went on a few dates with ?Jerome?. Jerome is an acquaintance of Harry?s, by which I mean they have met a few times, move in the same circles and have several mutual friends. When Harry found out about Jerome, he hit the roof. He said it was out of order for me to date one of his friends and that if I did it again he would "forbid" me from taking part in our mutual hobby which we both attend and have lots of friends at. I wasn?t bothered about Jerome, so agreed.

3 months ago I met ?Paul?. Paul is also an acquaintance of Harry?s. I tried to fight my feelings for Paul, because I knew that Harry would react in the same way as he did about Jerome, would hit the roof and prevent me from taking part in my hobby where all my friends are and make me miserable. However, I was unable to fight them and am now, I suppose, in a relationship with Paul who seems to like me very much.

So far I have kept my relationship with Paul hidden from Harry but quite clearly cannot do so forever. I am now at the stage where I need to decide what to do ? do I stay with Paul and risk fucking up my social life, my chances of getting back together with Harry and my friendship with him? Or do I jack in Paul who I like very much?

I have explained my predicament to Paul who is of the opinion that Harry is being a dick, has no right to tell me what to do and that if I don?t tell him about us, he will. I am fearful that even if I break it off with Paul, he will be angry and tell Harry anyway, thus resulting in me losing everything.

I know that, technically, Harry cannot stop me from seeing my friends etc. But I don?t want things to be awkward and his feelings matter very much to me and I don?t want to hurt him. I have already lied by omission about Paul, and there is a chance he will find out on the grapevine anyway

I know this sounds ridiculous (and having typed it all out I can see that), I am 30 ffs! But I just don?t know what to do ? appease my ex boyfriend who I still care for (love?) and might want to get back together with or lose Paul with whom I might have something good but in doing so risk messing everything up.

If you still have feelings for Harry and deep down want to get back with him, then you have no business being with Paul or anyone. But I, for one, would not want to get back with anyone who thinks he can tell me who to date and what hobbies to do.

How about being on your own for a while, and reading the riot act to Harry that you'll do your hobby and see who you like and if he's not happy, he can be the one to move on?

Why on earth would you want to get back with someone who is clearly so controlling. Jane is welcome to him in my opinion. Stick with Paul who seems to like you. How does he think he can stop you going to your hobby. What an idiot he is!!

No way should you ex be telling you who you can and can't see... You should seriously reconsider if you are thinking of getting back with someone so controlling

tbh paul saying he'll tell him if you don't seems a bit bullish and inconsiderate and not a great sign about his true character.

they both sound controlling.

Harry is an arse. He's with another woman but you aren't "allowed to" be with another man. Double standards or what?

I don't get this where the bugger thinks he has the right to forbid you to take part in a mutual hobby, and even less the bit where you accept he has a right to; unless he's the organiser, which makes him petty but not so many miles out of order.

It's the sort of thing I remember a kid at nursery school doing, telling me I couldn't sit somewhere just because, and I couldn't explain it to the teacher because I was about 3 at the time and couldn't find the words. In a very little while I realised I didn't have to do what everybody told me, just grown-ups. By the sound of it you're a little older than 3. So, why is another kid still telling you which bit of the playground you're allowed in?

Harry sounds a bit controlling and I think you'd be mad to get back with him! Who does he think he is!? If it were me I'd continue with Paul, under the radar, and if Paul is going very well then go public and just let Harry know nicely but firmly that he's not the boss of you, his friends or your hobby and then he can take it or leave it.

Well, Harry is clearly a controlling shit. So I'd knock any thoughts of getting back with him on the head. If you aren't that in to Paul, you shouldn't string him along either. Maybe try just, you know, being by yourself and working out what you want.

Hmm, I feel sorry for Paul in all of this. Think you need to have a bit of space and decide what you really want. It's unfair to let Paul think he's in there when in fact you want your ex back. It probably doesn't feel like it to you, but objectively speaking, you are using the guy.

Thanks for all your responses - certainly food for thought

Harry is the organiser of one of our mutual hobbies so I guess that might give him more credence

I never thought of myself as using Paul - I guess if I still care for Harry it is out of order, I didn't think of it in those terms. I do genuinely like him and care about him as a person but you're right that it is unfair on him and I also don't want him to get hurt

I think you should broaden your horizons somewhat and meet someone out of this circle.

Also I wouldn't be wanting to get back with Harry either, an ex is an ex for a reason.

Move on OP.

So basically you do still hold a candle for Harry and Paul is coming in second. Fuzzynavel is right - find a boyfriend thats not in your hobby group (what is it that Harry gets to be so controlling? I'm fascinated!) How come you still fancy Harry though? He sounds like hard work and a bit egotistical.

You really need to move on, and it doesn't sound like that will happen while you're still in what sounds like quite a tight social circle and the hobby. Find a new hobby, or continue the hobby with a different group, but move upwards and onwards. You might still love Harry but it really doesn't sound like he loves you - time for some self-preservation here.

Harry does not want to get back with you he just likes having you there as a back up incase Jane sees what a nob he is. Why are you allowing this guy to call the shots in your life? These kind of people only seem to have this power because the others around them allow it. If he starts putting the boot it with regards to your hobby then surely all that's gonna happen is he's gonna look like a jealous ex. Not really what Jane will want to hear, is it?

It's really not an mysterious hobby, artvanderlay, I just don't want to out myself . Basically there's a large group of us that do the hobby every weekend but Harry was the founder of the group and considers it "his"

I do think, despite everything, Harry cares for me. He is very nice to me, looks out for me, helps me with things. His reasoning is that he doesn't want to see me with someone else and if I do see soomeone else he doesn't want anything to do with me, thus banning me from the groups etc.

Jane and Harry have a strange relationship. There's a large age gap between them (she is a lot older) and so they've both kind of agreed there is no future as Harry wants children. Harry and I spend a lot of time together and Jane has just been told to accept that, which, seemingly, she does.

Sorry, Harry is sounding more and more like a nightmare. Tell us why you broke up with him in the first place?

I felt things had become staid. He was a heavy drinker and depressive and he never had any get up and go. However, he has changed his ways a bit since we broke up and is trying hard.

Harry sounds like a bit of a nob to me (sorry to be blunt).

I don't think he's a knob. He really has done a lot for me over the years and I do think he genuinely cares about my wellbeing. But this is one thing he is just not prepared to compromise on.

Okay then - I'm just nosy :)

Sorry but Harry is sounding quite scary - I do hope that you have the opportunity to join a new group to do your hobby in. Quite a lot of red flags fluttering!

But don't you see this as being very controlling? In my book that would be unacceptable. Plus the way Jane has to just accept his relationship with his ex (from what you say it's still quite a close relationship) also smack of control-freakery?

Honestly, how do you think he'd react to you seeing someone he didn't know? What would he be like if he was to see you and another (unknown) guy on a date?

I do also agree with the earlier posters who picked up on your comment about how staying with Paul might stop you getting back together - sounds like you're heart's not even in it with Paul anyway?

I asked him if it would be different if I was seeing someone he didn't know and he said he'd just have to accept it. This doesn't make sense to me as he really hardly knows Paul at all, but there yo have it.

My head thinks I should end things with Paul for a quiet life, but my heart is stopping me. I do think I'm falling for him. For a bit of extra info - Paul is much younger than me and sometimes it shows, and I guess this makes me wary, but despite this, I really enjoy spending time with him. I am a huge commitment-phobe so this is quite rare for me.

Harry sounds a bit of a using twat. Aren't you a bit worried about how horrible he is to Jane? And also very controlling. Why is it ok for him to see someone else but not you?

If you move in the same circules its odds on you will meet someone within that circle, im sorry but Harry is being an asshole,he doesnt want you but doesnt want you to be happy with someone else thats pretty shit.

Its none of his fucking business to be honest, and I fail to see how he can exclude you completely Id in no uncertain terms tell him he is being a cunt.

Thanks for your replies. I suppose the issue is, it doesn't matter how many people think Harry is being unreasonable,the bottom line is he thinks he isn't. And me calling him a cunt isn't going to change this mind. This is the sticking point.

I've had a really shite few years, I was sexually assaulted, lost all my confidence etc, and I am starting to feel I have finally found my place, have loads of great friends and do my hobby every week with them. If I lost that, even for Paul, who is great, I'd be so upset.