Please help me with this predicament

[cumbria81]

This may be long ? apologies in advance.

Bit of backstory so you get the full picture:

Ex DP (let?s call him Harry) and I were together for 7 years (no children) I ended the relationship 18 months ago. Six weeks after ending it, I decided I had made a mistake and asked for him back. He couldn?t decide and kept me (unintentionally, I think) on a string for 6 months, before meeting someone else (let?s call her Jane). Jane and Harry have been together for a year. However, Harry and I have remained friends and now Harry is suggesting he is not very happy with Jane and misses me. I also miss him and would entertain the notion of getting back together, but he has not asked me, and I do not know if it would be possible.

Over the summer I went on a few dates with ?Jerome?. Jerome is an acquaintance of Harry?s, by which I mean they have met a few times, move in the same circles and have several mutual friends. When Harry found out about Jerome, he hit the roof. He said it was out of order for me to date one of his friends and that if I did it again he would "forbid" me from taking part in our mutual hobby which we both attend and have lots of friends at. I wasn?t bothered about Jerome, so agreed.

3 months ago I met ?Paul?. Paul is also an acquaintance of Harry?s. I tried to fight my feelings for Paul, because I knew that Harry would react in the same way as he did about Jerome, would hit the roof and prevent me from taking part in my hobby where all my friends are and make me miserable. However, I was unable to fight them and am now, I suppose, in a relationship with Paul who seems to like me very much.

So far I have kept my relationship with Paul hidden from Harry but quite clearly cannot do so forever. I am now at the stage where I need to decide what to do ? do I stay with Paul and risk fucking up my social life, my chances of getting back together with Harry and my friendship with him? Or do I jack in Paul who I like very much?

I have explained my predicament to Paul who is of the opinion that Harry is being a dick, has no right to tell me what to do and that if I don?t tell him about us, he will. I am fearful that even if I break it off with Paul, he will be angry and tell Harry anyway, thus resulting in me losing everything.

I know that, technically, Harry cannot stop me from seeing my friends etc. But I don?t want things to be awkward and his feelings matter very much to me and I don?t want to hurt him. I have already lied by omission about Paul, and there is a chance he will find out on the grapevine anyway

I know this sounds ridiculous (and having typed it all out I can see that), I am 30 ffs! But I just don?t know what to do ? appease my ex boyfriend who I still care for (love?) and might want to get back together with or lose Paul with whom I might have something good but in doing so risk messing everything up.

I wouldn't be surprised if it's just a case of you dating someone full stop - it won't matter who it is, he'll probably find a reason to dislike the next guy (not for a moment suggesting you put it about, btw )!

IMO you're better off not being in a relationship with someone like that.

When it comes to Paul, you need to decide who means more to you - the control-freak ex or the new, whipper-snapper, as it doesn't sound like you can have both.

I'd be tempted to tell John to do what he wants and enjoy myself if I were you!

I'd imagine you can find another outlet for your hobby - can't imagine he's the only one capable of running a group doing X?!

Sorry - have turned Harry into a John there! You get what I mean, right?!

Do you think that he is treating Jane without respect? Because that is a problem imo.

You can call him a cunt for your own satisfaction, not just to make him change his mind

Cumbria, can I ask why you and Harry split in the first place?

jumpingjack - as I said earlier, things had got a bit stale due to his drinking and depression which he's now working on.

I don't really care how he treats Jane, in all honesty, as that is their business and one I don't involve myself in. I have only met her once very briefly (bizarrely on Christmas day, as he invited me round to exchange gifts)

You're right that I can't have both - how I wish I could. What makes it worse is that Paul has had a really bad time of it lately, lots of things have gone wrong in his life, and I don't want to be another!

Re. Jane, what I mean is that if he can treat her badly, doesn't that say something about him as a person, and how he treats women in general?

Sorry - missed that.

Well, you can't stick with someone out of sympathy (Paul), but if you really like him and think it's worth a go - then go for it!

I honestly don't think Harry has a right to tell you who you can and can't see, then threaten you with social forfeits if you don't toe the line. If the others in the hobby group are real friends, then you won't lose them if he 'forbids'/stops you from going.

I think you need to move on and should do it while you're still in control.

I would get a new hobby. Harry sounds like a massive sulky wanker.

I don't see how Harry could stop you doing your hobby anyway.

i agree with everyone else - what right does he have to say who you can go out with. How would he react if you told him he wasn't allowed to go out with Jane?

Thanks all.

I really don't want to get a new hobby as I love this one and the people I do it with and don't see why I should lose that. However, Harry is also of the same opinion, and, since he thinks we can't both do it if I'm with Paul, one of us has to lose out.

Paul is also a great shag.

I agree with Paul. Harry is a dick.

Please stay away from Harry and see who you want. He has no right to dictate anything about your life. I've been there and now getting a divorce from a man who became more and more controlling and is still trying to be from afar. It all seems so sweet and romantic when you are both young. Ten years down the line it will be stiffling and unbearable. Move on. You sound lovely and I can hear you are only trying to do the right thing. Good luck.

It seems pretty obvious that Harry doesn't treat any of the women in his life very well. You say he is nice and does a lot for you, but it all seems to be about him and doing things on his own terms. I can't see why you would want to wait around for him to 'maybe' decide you are worthy of his attentions once he's fully bored with Jane and you can go back to how it was before, with more rubbish treatment from the man.

If you and Paul want to be together, then go for it. You have to remember though that all these extra characters (Paul, Jane, Jerome) are people with their own feelings too, now just pawns in a game between Harry and you.

Precisely HOW will Harry enforce his role as gatekeeper to this hobby?

If the people are as great as you say, surely they will tell him to stop being so childish if he kicks up a stink about your attendance?

People can only walk over you if you lie down and paint 'doormat' in big letters on your back.

I wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone, with whom I was no longer in a relationship with, telling me who I could date - it's none of his business.

If you feel comfortable and loved with Paul then stay there, he's obviously better for you than Harry was. Dog in the manger comes to mind re Harry - and what is the point of holding out for someone who you may not resume a relationship with?

You should do what YOU want, stay with Paul and continue your hobby, not what Harry wants - if he doesn't like it then in my mind he's not worth hankering after anyway.

Harry is not a kind partner and both you and Jane (if she has any sense) should stay well away from him.

The group is "his", you are his to dictate who you can or cannot date, and Jane can just suck it up that he finds her insufficient?

What an inadequate little bully.

Ok so my understanding is that Harry has forbidden you to see someone else (in effect), and if you do he doesn't want to see you (ie he will punish you). Meanwhile, he's with someone else but disrespects her by still seeing you a lot and even inviting you over on Christmas day? (poor woman). He drinks and has little ambition..

Why would you want to be with someone like that? What an arsehole.

I say ignore the fucker.. is there nowhere else you can do this hobby?

You seem to be quite defensive of Harry, are you enjoying the attention? As for Harry and Jane having no future, well they may not have a future but he knows that and still has not left her for you. Sorry to be harsh but I wouldn't be surprised if Harry bins you and Jane and ends up with some other lucky lady.

I have explained my predicament to Paul who is of the opinion that Harry is being a dick, has no right to tell me what to do

yep. i agree with Paul.

Regardless of how you feel about Paul and what ultimately happens with that - you need to break this 'string' that is giving your ex so much control over your energy and emotions. He's in another relationship - he's messing you about. Whatever happened in the past, it's done. Move on. Don't let him hold your past relationship over your head.

OP you need to start surrounding yourself with people who respect you as a human being.

Harry and Paul sound like twats, and you sound like you are ok with being treated twattishly as long as the twats in question "care" about you. That makes me sad.

I am not defensive of Harry, I am just keen to point out that he is a genuinely very nice person and I do think he has my interests at heart.

I think he;s being unreasonable, but wanted to find out if the great MN jury agreed - which they seem to!

I just don't want anyone to get hurt. Whichever choice I make someone is, and in both cases I am.

You need to let Harry go. If he wanted to be with you he would be. There is no future here.
If you have to have any future relationship with anyone Paul or otherwise you have to discount Harry, he is NOT looking out for you basically he doesn't want you but doesn't want you to be with anyone else.
You are 30--not 3. Time to grow a pair and do what YOU want in life and NOT what Harry wants you to do.
Poor Paul.

Cumbria - you said "I suppose the issue is, it doesn't matter how many people think Harry is being unreasonable,the bottom line is he thinks he isn't. And me calling him a cunt isn't going to change this mind. This is the sticking point. "

I disagree. The issue (problem) is - you are buying into Harry's self-delusion and allowing it to dictate your life. Why? Really, why?

Harry isn't a "genuinely very nice person". He really isn't. If he was, if he really wanted the best for you, he would leave you alone to move on in whatever direction you chose. He wouldn't play high and mighty with your mutual hobby. He wouldn't try to prevent you forming a relationship with someone that he barely knows. Also, if he was a genuinely nice person, he wouldn't be treating Jane so bloody appalingly.

Cumbria - open yor eyes. You really need to see this for what it is.