Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me with this predicament

135 replies

cumbria81 · 13/01/2012 11:45

This may be long ? apologies in advance.

Bit of backstory so you get the full picture:

Ex DP (let?s call him Harry) and I were together for 7 years (no children) I ended the relationship 18 months ago. Six weeks after ending it, I decided I had made a mistake and asked for him back. He couldn?t decide and kept me (unintentionally, I think) on a string for 6 months, before meeting someone else (let?s call her Jane). Jane and Harry have been together for a year. However, Harry and I have remained friends and now Harry is suggesting he is not very happy with Jane and misses me. I also miss him and would entertain the notion of getting back together, but he has not asked me, and I do not know if it would be possible.

Over the summer I went on a few dates with ?Jerome?. Jerome is an acquaintance of Harry?s, by which I mean they have met a few times, move in the same circles and have several mutual friends. When Harry found out about Jerome, he hit the roof. He said it was out of order for me to date one of his friends and that if I did it again he would "forbid" me from taking part in our mutual hobby which we both attend and have lots of friends at. I wasn?t bothered about Jerome, so agreed.

3 months ago I met ?Paul?. Paul is also an acquaintance of Harry?s. I tried to fight my feelings for Paul, because I knew that Harry would react in the same way as he did about Jerome, would hit the roof and prevent me from taking part in my hobby where all my friends are and make me miserable. However, I was unable to fight them and am now, I suppose, in a relationship with Paul who seems to like me very much.

So far I have kept my relationship with Paul hidden from Harry but quite clearly cannot do so forever. I am now at the stage where I need to decide what to do ? do I stay with Paul and risk fucking up my social life, my chances of getting back together with Harry and my friendship with him? Or do I jack in Paul who I like very much?

I have explained my predicament to Paul who is of the opinion that Harry is being a dick, has no right to tell me what to do and that if I don?t tell him about us, he will. I am fearful that even if I break it off with Paul, he will be angry and tell Harry anyway, thus resulting in me losing everything.

I know that, technically, Harry cannot stop me from seeing my friends etc. But I don?t want things to be awkward and his feelings matter very much to me and I don?t want to hurt him. I have already lied by omission about Paul, and there is a chance he will find out on the grapevine anyway

I know this sounds ridiculous (and having typed it all out I can see that), I am 30 ffs! But I just don?t know what to do ? appease my ex boyfriend who I still care for (love?) and might want to get back together with or lose Paul with whom I might have something good but in doing so risk messing everything up.

OP posts:
fergoose · 13/01/2012 21:24

I cannot believe anyone with any intelligence would live their life to please an ex - it is utterly bizarre.

TheGrimSweeper · 13/01/2012 21:27

fergoose bizarre but more common than you'd think. Arghh. This thread is so depressing.

Op, you feel that you can't lose him but you do see that by dating Jane knowing how you feel, he is perfectly prepared to lose you?

fergoose · 13/01/2012 21:30

TheGrimSweeper - yes sadly I think you are right.

I agree very depressing.

Cumbria - don't you deserve to make your own decisions and choices? Don't you deserve as an adult to be treated with kindness and respect? You are a grown up and you can date who you want without needing anyone's approval. Can't you see that? Also Harry has no right to tell you what you can't do regarding your hobby can he - why would you let him control you in this way.

I agree with Fabby - he is an abusive bully. Stop letting him be one.

TheGrimSweeper · 13/01/2012 21:32

Op. Apols if already mentioned. Is harry getting help for his alcohol abuse and depression? Is he gainfuly employed/seeking/studying, doing something vaguely constructive?

ArtVandelay · 13/01/2012 21:33

Honestly, is your fear just that he will turf you out of the sports team or do you think he will go further than that? Does he know something about you that you would not want to be made public? Do you fear him in any way?

The thing is that he just sounds like a tedious millstone and its difficult for me (and others) to see why you have him on this pedestal.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 13/01/2012 21:35

Sorry, but I have to agree with every other poster- Harry sounds awful, and your relationship with him feels odd to me.

You say he is "nice" and "caring", but absolutely nothing you say about him gives any evidence of this- quite the opposite.

I think you are in danger of over-sentimentalising/ romanticising your relationship with Harry, OP. Just because you have known him for so long, he has always been part of your life, you can't imagine life without him in it- it's as if you believe that deep down it will all have a happy ending and that Harry and you are destined to be together. But real life rarely works like that.

People change massively throughout their lives. I've had some real shocks about people that I'd "known" well for years- or thought I did. The facts are- you and Harry had a relationship. It didn't work out (let's face it, there were reasons for you finishing it, and I'm guessing it's sentimental reasons that keep bringing you back to it) You could do it again, but chances are it still wouldn't work out (especially given the fact that Harry is showing himself in such a bad light with his outrageous demands etc)

When you say "Because he's...Harry", I read it as "Because he's my Harry", because that is the sentiment that seems to be surfacing- you guys seem to feel you own each other somehow, but that does NOT mean you are destined to be together. It's a bit unhealthy, to be honest.

My motto in life is, Always forward, never go backwards. Never go back into a burning building for your handbag, and don't go back to a relationship that was -is- over.

But I sense you will not be convinced until you have reclaimed the great prize that is Harry from poor (but thankfully soon-liberated) Jane, and are once more living miserably with your one-and-only. I wish you luck (and insight!)

FabbyChic · 13/01/2012 21:35

Im worried for the OP for her future. If she continues being under the spell of Harry it could mean that she has a future with no children and ends up a sad lonely old woman.

In ten years time she will look back and think what the fuck did I do.

When Harry will be arried with children and settled, she will be the outsider looking in with nothing.

TheGrimSweeper · 13/01/2012 21:37

Well cumbria, when you stop viewing him as a good man behaving badly and realise he's a fuckwit being himself, no doubt we'll be here to pick up the pieces.

jumpingjackhash · 13/01/2012 21:37

Cumbria you came here asking for help. Look back over the posts, see many saying 'ooh, Harry sounds like a catch!'? Nope, I think that's quite telling, don't you?

AnyFucker · 13/01/2012 21:39

he ain't all that, I guarantee it

I feel really sorry for women who worship at the altar of crap men like this

AnyFucker · 13/01/2012 21:40

and we still don't know what devil worship hobby this is

windsorTides · 13/01/2012 21:40

Poor Jane and Paul. Maybe they'll get together now, but what about poor Jerome? Sad

SirSugar · 13/01/2012 21:50

Harry is a nob

Original poster
cumbria81 · 13/01/2012 21:52

Jerome and Jane are actually friends, so who knows? Grin

Seriously, I know you all think I'm a right sap - and maybe I am.And I know I've argued with you all, but I do appreciate your advice. I guess I need to think why it is I am so scared of upsetting the apple cart with Harry. I don't want to put my life on hold, I did that when he was humming and haaing (sp?) about taking me back and it isn't good. But I just can't help caring about him and how he feels - and also, perhaps selfishly, the impact that pissing him off will have on me and my life.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 13/01/2012 21:52

Harry is nobbing Jane

SirSugar · 13/01/2012 21:52

Tell Harry to keep his nob out

SirSugar · 13/01/2012 22:01

take a chance love, piss Harry off.

Then when he comes running - tell him to piss off

solidgoldbrass · 13/01/2012 22:01

I can't help thinking that Jerome, Jane and Paul are the ones really getting the shitty end of the stick, especially Jane. Lovely wonderful Harry is basically telling her constantly that she is a stopgap, a rebound, just something he can fuck and get his dinner cooked by, while he strokes his chin and wonders if he might get back with you or not. He is basically rubbing her nose in the fact that he's in charge of the relationship. Same as he is doing to you. He's a woman-hating egotistical bellend. Was your father one?

SirSugar · 13/01/2012 22:04

I think Harry has NarcissiticSociopathicPersonalityDisorder WIBU to marry him?

channelling the future Mrs Harry

Original poster
cumbria81 · 13/01/2012 22:09

No, my dad is a total dude

OP posts:
Teeb · 13/01/2012 22:11

Are you prepared to put your life on hold to be in the background for Harry to maintain the level of friendship you have now? Not allowed to have relationships of your own for fear they might offend him, whilst knowing he is in a full time relationship himself.

I'm thinking that you feel when he is tired with Jane he will come back to you, but he won't. He will find another, younger women who he'll want to marry and settle down and have a family, but that woman won't be you.

You keep prioritising this man above your relationships and your needs, but where are you in his priorities? I think that will be a tough question for you to answer, but it's something you need to come to terms with.

SirSugar · 13/01/2012 22:11

My Dad was fab didn't seem to stop me from ending up with Mr.Fucking Terrible

FabbyChic · 13/01/2012 22:14

My dad is a weak man who likes women who control him.

Terrible but hey if thats how he wants to live.

babyhammock · 13/01/2012 22:19

Arghhh
I think you have some kind of trauma bonding with Harry. You obviously on some level think its ok for him to dictate your life to you in this way even though its patently obvious that a nice person wouldn't behave like this.

Bottom line... he had a chance to get back with you and he didnt/still isn't taking it......BUT sees fit to prevent you moving on and being happy.. That's actually very cruel of him as well as massively controlling...

JockTamsonsBairns · 14/01/2012 01:22

This whole situation sounds like a nonsense to me. What was this business all about, tipping up at Harry and Jane's on Christmas day? Absolutely appalling behaviour. Why on God's Green Earth did you think that was in any way acceptable? Poor Jane. If she had even a modicum of self-respect, she'd have been out of there before the first cracker was pulled.

You pair sound like a couple of co-dependents, high on drama and attention, with neither of you in the least bit bothered about who gets hurt by your game playing. I can't believe that adults actually carry on like this. Do Paul a massive favour by letting him go before he gets any further embroiled in this mess. And take a breather from Harry and his Hobby Group for a bit. You need to reclaim your dignity and step well back from this controlling, sulky, whinging, woman-hating tosser.

FFS. I can't stand this character and I've never even met him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread