Please help me with this predicament

[cumbria81]

This may be long ? apologies in advance.

Bit of backstory so you get the full picture:

Ex DP (let?s call him Harry) and I were together for 7 years (no children) I ended the relationship 18 months ago. Six weeks after ending it, I decided I had made a mistake and asked for him back. He couldn?t decide and kept me (unintentionally, I think) on a string for 6 months, before meeting someone else (let?s call her Jane). Jane and Harry have been together for a year. However, Harry and I have remained friends and now Harry is suggesting he is not very happy with Jane and misses me. I also miss him and would entertain the notion of getting back together, but he has not asked me, and I do not know if it would be possible.

Over the summer I went on a few dates with ?Jerome?. Jerome is an acquaintance of Harry?s, by which I mean they have met a few times, move in the same circles and have several mutual friends. When Harry found out about Jerome, he hit the roof. He said it was out of order for me to date one of his friends and that if I did it again he would "forbid" me from taking part in our mutual hobby which we both attend and have lots of friends at. I wasn?t bothered about Jerome, so agreed.

3 months ago I met ?Paul?. Paul is also an acquaintance of Harry?s. I tried to fight my feelings for Paul, because I knew that Harry would react in the same way as he did about Jerome, would hit the roof and prevent me from taking part in my hobby where all my friends are and make me miserable. However, I was unable to fight them and am now, I suppose, in a relationship with Paul who seems to like me very much.

So far I have kept my relationship with Paul hidden from Harry but quite clearly cannot do so forever. I am now at the stage where I need to decide what to do ? do I stay with Paul and risk fucking up my social life, my chances of getting back together with Harry and my friendship with him? Or do I jack in Paul who I like very much?

I have explained my predicament to Paul who is of the opinion that Harry is being a dick, has no right to tell me what to do and that if I don?t tell him about us, he will. I am fearful that even if I break it off with Paul, he will be angry and tell Harry anyway, thus resulting in me losing everything.

I know that, technically, Harry cannot stop me from seeing my friends etc. But I don?t want things to be awkward and his feelings matter very much to me and I don?t want to hurt him. I have already lied by omission about Paul, and there is a chance he will find out on the grapevine anyway

I know this sounds ridiculous (and having typed it all out I can see that), I am 30 ffs! But I just don?t know what to do ? appease my ex boyfriend who I still care for (love?) and might want to get back together with or lose Paul with whom I might have something good but in doing so risk messing everything up.

Your, obviously - not yor

So to appease your ex you have to stay single or meet someone he has never laid eyes on before? How is that feasible if you move in the same circles.

He has you over a barrel, he calls the shots in your life and you listen to him.

If you want any sort of man/woman relationship you are going to have to find other friends.

Sorry to hear you were assaulted.

Well, it seems that's what it amounts to! Thanks for all your advice. Afraid I am no further forward but it's good to talk

Cumbria it strikes me that you are so worried what you are or not allowed to do you are losing sight of what is important - what do you actually want? Do you want to be told who you can go out with? If you dump Paul will your next partner pass muster or will you be told to get rid of them too?

Do you actually want a relationship at all, or do you just enjoy playing games with other peoples emotions. Are you just trying to make Harry jealous or get a reaction/attention from him.

I can't understand why you would let an ex dictate to you in this way. And you saying you may get back together - he has a new relationship now, isn't that a clear enough sign to you?

I don't think it's fair to say I'm playing games. I HATE the fact that Harry is reacting in this way - believe me, it is certainly not what I want. I would far rather he was happy for me, as I am (relatively) for him and Jane, just accept things and enjoy the friendship we have. I don't want to hurt him, I have known Harry since I was 7 years old and he has always been a big part of my life, so his feelings matter incredibly.

what about your feelings? all you have done here is stick up for Harry, you are in love with him, see no faults in him at all, and secretly hanker to get back with him, you choose not to have your own live but allow your life to be controlled by an ex, and you live in his shadow because you don't want to live any other way.

Be honest with yourself you love the attention why else would you carry on allowing a man who goes home everynight and fucks someone else the time of day.

YOu have low self confidence and low self esteem.

How old are you op? Not snippy. Just this should situation is coming across as a really intense friendship group between v young people.

Fabby, I must admit that your post took me aback

I am not sure I agree. I really do not love the attention, it is the whole reason for my post. If Harry did not care, all would be well

In terms of my self-esteem, I always think of myself as being fairly confident but you are right that I am allowing myself to be controlled by him, so in that respect, maybe I shoudl reconsider that assessment.

cumbria sorry but you need to wake up and smell the coffee..

He can be with someone (that he got with when he knew you wanted him back) but you can't = twat

He's stringing her along (tells you it won't last and not happy) and YOU by telling you that knowing you have feelings for him. Note he's still with her but dictating your life! = twat

If you don't do as he says you get 'ex-communicated' from everyone.... when he knows this is really important to you. = twat

He arranges for his 'ex' (you) to come round xmas day to piss her off exchange presents = twat

Nice people don't behave like this, they really don't

You cannot live your life in the shadow of someone else, he is with someone else he has his life, he has no right to try to control yours, the fact you don't see it, won't wake up and smell the roses, do something about it amazes me and the other posters.

YOu asked for advice it is more or less all the same, you just don't like the advice you have received yet being as its all the same it cant be wrong can it?

cumbria I agree with fabby

this pillock, Harry can shag someone else but you cannot

he "controls" your hobby/friendship group ?

who is he ? Charles Fucking Manson ?

why are you even engaging with him ?

you and paul should start your own cult hobby group and freeze harry out

he is a fucking arsewipe

You see, if I was an outsider looking in, I'd probably come to the same conclusion about Harry. But these words - cunt, arse wipe, whatver - well, I just can't think of him like that. We have been through so much together over the years and he means so much that I can't think badly of him, even if his behaviour is completely fucking me off.

I am not sure what that says about me, tbh. Maybe I am a flakey weakling who needs to man up. Probably.

Why spend christmas day with your ex - surely new woman wouldn't be overly happy about it. He is your ex for a reason, yet you are still clinging on to him. Why do you even need to see him at all - or more to the point why let him control you and run your life. Staying friends with an ex doesn't give them carte blanche to rule you - and so what if what you do upsets him, isn't really your problem, or your job to make him happy is it?

I guess I do feel it's my job to make him happy. He's suffered very badly from depression, and I've spent years trying to help him. I don't think I can stop now or - worse - contribute to it

I find it so frustrating when good women hanker after bad men

There are millions of men in this world

Why do we deify the crap ones ?

Why is it your job though - his depression is not your fault. You can't fix him can you? His happiness is not your responsibility is it.

cumbria, really, listen to yourself

it's cringeworthy

this twat has two women trying to "fix" him

a dog with 2 dicks, that's him, and you are enabling it

In your adult life OP, how long have you ever spent single and without a man being churned up about you?

I have been single since I split up with Harry and enjoyed it. I honestly don't NEED a partner, I have lots of friends, a rewarding job, I'm out every evening doing various things - it isn't that that is tying me to Harry - it really isn't. It is pure and simple a) concern for him and b) fear on my part that in pissing him off I will lose a lot.

I don't agree with the notion that I enjoy the attention.

Cumbria what would Harry say if you gave him a 'Jane or me, once and for all?' ultimatum? Maybe that would end your predicament?

You need to be more discriminating about the people in your life. The fact that Harry treats Jane badly IS relevant to your friendship. It shows you that he is not a "really nice person." In fact he is a really shitty person in many ways. What kind of a person invites his ex - who he still has 'feelings' for - round to exchange Christmas presents with his girlfriend, when the GF and the ex have never met before? On Christmas day...and you went! There are no boundaries here are there? And he is calling all the shots. Please stop believing his has your best interests at heart, because he really really does not.

What do you stand to lose by pissing him off? Spell it out to us. I can't see the big attraction myself.

I suspect the hobby is Medieval Reenactment. Can't you all vote to put Harry in the stocks for a weekend? That might bring him down a peg or two.

Harry really thinks he's got the world by the tail doesn't he? Poor Paul.

OK, I guess I feel that he is "part" of me, and I'd be devestated if we were no longer friends. I have known him for over 20 years, we grew up together, hung out as teenagers, corresponded at university, became lovers,lived together for 7 years - he's not "just" an ex, he is very dear to me. We also still get on very well,even though he is with Jane.