Please help me with this predicament

[cumbria81]

This may be long ? apologies in advance.

Bit of backstory so you get the full picture:

Ex DP (let?s call him Harry) and I were together for 7 years (no children) I ended the relationship 18 months ago. Six weeks after ending it, I decided I had made a mistake and asked for him back. He couldn?t decide and kept me (unintentionally, I think) on a string for 6 months, before meeting someone else (let?s call her Jane). Jane and Harry have been together for a year. However, Harry and I have remained friends and now Harry is suggesting he is not very happy with Jane and misses me. I also miss him and would entertain the notion of getting back together, but he has not asked me, and I do not know if it would be possible.

Over the summer I went on a few dates with ?Jerome?. Jerome is an acquaintance of Harry?s, by which I mean they have met a few times, move in the same circles and have several mutual friends. When Harry found out about Jerome, he hit the roof. He said it was out of order for me to date one of his friends and that if I did it again he would "forbid" me from taking part in our mutual hobby which we both attend and have lots of friends at. I wasn?t bothered about Jerome, so agreed.

3 months ago I met ?Paul?. Paul is also an acquaintance of Harry?s. I tried to fight my feelings for Paul, because I knew that Harry would react in the same way as he did about Jerome, would hit the roof and prevent me from taking part in my hobby where all my friends are and make me miserable. However, I was unable to fight them and am now, I suppose, in a relationship with Paul who seems to like me very much.

So far I have kept my relationship with Paul hidden from Harry but quite clearly cannot do so forever. I am now at the stage where I need to decide what to do ? do I stay with Paul and risk fucking up my social life, my chances of getting back together with Harry and my friendship with him? Or do I jack in Paul who I like very much?

I have explained my predicament to Paul who is of the opinion that Harry is being a dick, has no right to tell me what to do and that if I don?t tell him about us, he will. I am fearful that even if I break it off with Paul, he will be angry and tell Harry anyway, thus resulting in me losing everything.

I know that, technically, Harry cannot stop me from seeing my friends etc. But I don?t want things to be awkward and his feelings matter very much to me and I don?t want to hurt him. I have already lied by omission about Paul, and there is a chance he will find out on the grapevine anyway

I know this sounds ridiculous (and having typed it all out I can see that), I am 30 ffs! But I just don?t know what to do ? appease my ex boyfriend who I still care for (love?) and might want to get back together with or lose Paul with whom I might have something good but in doing so risk messing everything up.

I wondered if they were on the same bowling team, like in the breakup.

you have stopped talking about paul, OP

it's all about harry, isn't it ?

what is this cult hobby, OP

you have to tell us

some of us are just not getting it

This is so sad. How do such useless, twattish men fool otherwise intelligent women?

Long story short. Friend has just been devastated by the news that a man she's known pretty much all her life, loved him, best friend blah blah blah. Is marrying someone else this year.

Situation v. Similar to yours. We warned her for years. OP, you sound just like her.
Take a step back and stop making excuses for his fuckwittery. What does he actually have to offer you?

If he really was your friend he'd be happy for you in a new relationship and supportive. Not behaving like a childish, selfish prick.

Is the hobby dogging? Must be ahem, 'specialist' if you can't just pick it up elsewhere?

I think the hobby is Dungeons and Dragons Role Play games and Harry is the Dungeon Master.

It's not a cult . It's just a sport (and not effing bowling, ffs, give me some credit!).

I've stopped mentioning Paul as you were asking about Harry. In an ideal world, I'd be dead chuffed to have met Paul, be shagging his brains out (ok, so I am doing that anyway) and doing all the new relationship bollocks. As it is, I am constantly stressed out about Harry finding out/having to tell him and can't relax. And yes, I know this is not fair on Paul

Harry is being a nob, he doesn't want you, he just doesn't want anyone else to want you, and he likes the idea he could have you running back to him whenever he clicked his fingers.

You may still have feelings for him, but that is because he is keeping you hanging on thinking there may be another chance, and you are letting him. You need to stop giving him so much status and importance in your life and allow yourself to move on.

Once you stop giving him permission to interfere in your life you will be able to detach yourself and meet someone who will be much more worthy of a relationship.

The way it comes over to me atm, is that your subsequent relationships are based around what reaction he will have (even if it is done subconsciously), and you are enabling his involvement in your personal life.

So just tell Harry and if he doesn't like it and kicks off then you'll know where you stand with him.

Op. Strip away the adrenalin, lust, whatever. Does harry actually make you happy? Or in truth a few highs followed by massive lows. But for now you probably think the highs are worth sticking around for?

I have spent years and wasted breath talking to my mate about a man like this, and a situation almost identical.

Op will not change. I just hope for her sake harry finds someone else to prey on. The fact you've known eachother most of your lives is BLINDING op to the reality of who harry really is.

Why do you care what Harry thinks though? Why?

Just tell Harry about Paul and then if Harry starts just tell him to mind his own business, or words to that effect. What will he actually do if you tell him no - there is nothing he can do is there, except grow up and leave you alone.

you are not listening, cumbria

Just tell him - if he goes bananas then you'll just have to buy your own football or shuttlecocks and set up your own group. With Paul. Dealt with :)

I'd like to meet this harry

I bet he's not all that

In the nicest possible way of course

Well if you're insisting that since Harry, there has only been Jerome and Paul, who coincidentally both happen to be Harry's friends, is it possible you've been dating these men so that Harry would have a hissy fit and re-claim you?

Horrible for Jane, if so - Jerome and Paul too.

Get Harry and Paul to have a sports match - winner gets Cumbria

Op, why are you being so coy about this cult you are part of ?

Because he's....Harry. He means a lot to me and I can't lose him

If Harry is so wonderful why not just be with him and stop dragging all these other people down then - you aren't being fair on anyone are you?

You sound approx 15.

He is emotionally blackmailing you do you know that? Can you not see it. What he is doing is abuse pure and simple.

He is controlling your life whilst not taking any part in your day to day life, he controls your hobbies, he controls your love interests. He is not your FATHER. He is your EX boyfriend who has moved on. He knows how you feel about him and he knows how to tweet your buttons.

This man is abusive don't you understand that?

How can you be so weak as to let a man control your love interests? How? Why? So he ha depression most people have by the time they reach a certain age. I'd hope to god I'd not use that against someone who was my friend, I was manically depressed almost suicidal, Id hope if I had friends and I overstepped the boundary of our relationship they would say oi Fabby, fuck off being cheeky.