Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

Oh, the perfect one got deleted? Wonder why

I think it's in shockingly poor taste to start a stupid ruck when this thread should be focusing on the OP and her very distressing situation.

And to all of you who are rightly horrified about the rape scene being so freely available and not illegal - do something about it. Campaign against internet porn. And make sure every item in your house that can access the net has a filter on it, so partners can't claim they stumbled across such images and children can't accidentally discover them. Which they will, as soon as they google the word "sex"

windsorTides at 18:51 said what I wanted to say..
OP best wishes. You sound very strong and focussed now that you have a plan. Hope the next few months go well for you.

areyouthere Quite......just what I was trying to say upthread.

This mudslinging is hardly helping the poor OP, and is take the fight somewhere else.

Can you guys just please stop bickering between you. For you lot, all this is purely philosophical, to the OP, it is real life, so show some respect for her and her situation and stop bitching between you.

Thanks for coming back to update TwoPeas. Glad to see you are so rational and calm about it, and I hope you have some RL support to draw in. Good to see you are putting plans in place.

OK I get the message! I my defence I have tried to only respond to the snipes, and have tried to also be supportive to the OP. I don't think she will be back this weekend.

There is good advice here in saying that there should be filters in place in households with dc's, it is quite that it is so easy to access these things. Horror films get sicker and sicker because people watch them but people don't murder because they watch it. Men will always look at porn but if they can't they won't, and what you don't know can't hurt you, it may be sad but it's life.

You know, I had a horrible wake up calls with computers and my kids, when my son wanted to search for Disney Fairies, and I let him. (He was 6)
I was cooking dinner, and did not think he would encounter anything nasty.

Well, he misspelled Fairies. He came and asked me to look, and there was salivating genitals, male and female, on entry and re entry so to speak.
Always be careful if there are kids in the house. Even if THEY are not on the look out for porn, they can still find it, without the right filters in place.

OP I am so sorry to read your post and genuinely shocked,which doesn't happen much to me on mumsnet. I don't see how you can possibly stay with him-it doesn't seem an option at all. How could you ever have sex with him again? How could you trust him to help your dds grown up safe and secure in themselves and as women? No "normal" man watches a woman being raped as entertainment, sexual or otherwise. It is hideous.I imagine that being a woman I love and care about,my dd,my best friend,God it is terrible. I have no experience of the police etc.So I can't advise on the best action but tbh in your position I would probably call them. And if friends asked about the break up I would say "He got kicks from watching drugged girls being raped and/or fisted".I would imagine that would shut anyone up.
By the way,in spite of how prevelent porn is now,many of us never watch it,and never have.(including my DH).
Again,I am very sorry you are in this position. No man who really likes women,(or who even likes people,I would imagine!) Could watch stuff like that. Its the kind of thing they find when they arrest murderers,it is really not the sort of thing a kind and loving partner/Daddy would do in his spare time.
You were sickened on seeing it.That is the response of a normal,kind and caring person.

I'm so glad I didn't see that film. Just the OP's description of it was bad enough - I've found it hard to get it out of my head.

Imperialblether- I cannot get it out of my head!! I feel like if it's still on my mind so much, its tainting the remaining weeks of my pregnancy. And he has no right to do that, it makes me feel despairing of ever being respected, if not now, carrying his third child, then when?!
I did a search on his PC to look for hidden files as a prev poster helpfully suggested, and nothing came up that I noticed, so thats a relief that theres not files and files of it, unfortunately what was there is enough but that was invaluable because I'd been worrying that I didnt know how to search the PC more thoroughly.

Also regarding the 'philosophical arguing' that's happened on this thread, it's a shame but its such an emotive subject, also it all ultimately adds weight to the fact that it is so disgusting and wong, I haven't seen a single reply (but there could be one not 100% sure) advising me to seek relationship counselling with him or attempt to work it out, which is very telling because mumsnet is fairly objective, so that makes me terrified because its further proof that I am not going to get out of this taking the weak route, eg. pretending it never fucking happened and further lowering my self esteem.. Which is horribly tempting in the short term not sure I have the 'balls' to sort it properly. Anyone with experience of three under 5's / becoming single in pregnancy, I'd love to hear any positive experiences right now

Forgot to mention in opening post too, around the same time as the dating websites were looked at on the internet history, he also shaved his pubes off, and more weirdly, asked me to wax his arse crack for him.. I have never done this for him before and in fact he's said a few times he would never do anything like that becasue it would be painful, pointless etc.
Didnt seem like much at the time, but he never shaves there normally so in retrospect it looks like he was maybe tidying himself up for some other womans benefit? Or even just doing it to improve any pics or vids he might make? I just cannot stop thinking about every aspect of the whole thing, constantly. Worth mentioning in case it helps me rationalise why or if that adds further proof without having to discuss it with him and be lied to.

Awkward home situation at the minute, he is basically here and treating the kids as usual etc but me and him are in sperate bubbles, only talking briefly on what needs to be said, like stuff about the kids/practical things etc. So how that will evolve to the next stage I have no idea.

Op, as well as this one it might be worth starting a thread in lone parents asking for people's experiences. I bet you'll get loads of support from people who know how it really is.

TwoPeas yes, the "tidying up" is further proof either of infidelity or intended infidelity. What's the next step? I can't remember, but have you asked him to leave? And if so, when are you going to implement?

Sorry if it sounds cold, but I would be worried that the cons of having him in your house as a constant reminder of the awful things he's done, and the stress that will cause you, will massively outweigh the pros of having him present at the birth/just before/just after...

Coming in at the arse-end of a debate- just wanted to add it is NOT easy to discover such films and download them. And you do NOT access them by just typing 'porn' in Google. If that were the case, the police would find them a lot easier to track down and stop.

stealth good idea about posting in lone parents, when I get more than 3mins to myself I will have a look at that section of the site and see what's what.
mardyarsed he initially claimed it had popped up under a general 'porn' search, then when quizzed again admitted he did specifically search for rape Says it all really. My best friend in real life is the person I need to talk to, but from a few texts sent so far, I just know she's going to say stick with him (due to me cheating) so thinks he desrves a second chance, as she is quite into the complexity of humans, different fetishes, seperating fantasy from reality etc., and just doesnt view it as shittily on the moral front as I do.
Not sure how to make him leave, I've said i don't want him here as we clearly dont know each other truly if he could think its ok. I dont want my DDs around that or it in my house, and have rationally and calmly told him all of this.
he doesnt have a tenner to his name at the minute, and nowhere to go, becasue of work paying him early for christmas. So its looking like waiting till he gets paid before anything could take place, how ridiculous is that, ordinarily if I was reading a thread like this I'd be thinking "fuck allt hat just get him to go". Turns out in reality it just doesnt seem to be that simple

So you have decided he must go? If so, do a little lical research yourself first..... Rooms, flat shares etc, be ready for him to say he can't afford anywhere.

Lical? Obviously I meant local!

Twopeas at the risk of a huge flaming here, but...

Your DH has f*cked up, big time. There are no excuses for what he has done, and no way you can forget this. However, I have to say that I suspect that many of the 'outraged on your behalf' posters on here may have partners that have done the same thing, they just don't know about it. I suspect it is frighteningly common. Nasty, I agree. Misogynistic, oh yes. But, I fear, not that unusual.

Our society has created a culture where men are encouraged and expected to like porn, to look for ever more challenging sexual activities. They are constantly being 'told' that they need sex, they need porn, that they are not men unless are thinking about sex, up for sex, talking about sex and making sex more exciting (for exciting read 'demeaning to women). In the face of this, many a 'normal, caring' kind of man has sought out porn on the net. The fact that your DH doesn't have stacks of it speaks volumes to me. I suspect he is in some ways a victim of our c*cked up culture.

Now, there will be many posters on here whose partners are paragons of virtue, who are able to resist these constant pressures, but they may well be in a minority. Just as our society is cruel to women and girls forcing them into ridiculous sexual stereotypes, so it is for men, just they are cast as sexual predators.

Now, you stil have to deal with your feelings about your DH. I just wanted to give you some context that what he has done, however grim, may well be what your best friend's partner has done, your BIL, your neighbour. They can still be caring blokes who you want to have in your life. Men need it rammed home that whatever our wider culture is telling them, this sort of activity must stop, it is wrong on many levels and demeans them as it demeans the women involved.

However, men are battling against a huge tide, telling them that part of their male identity is to be some sort of sexual stud, even as they read their children bedtime stories or push them on the swings.

I guess what I am saying is that if you love your DH, then maybe you can, given time, work through this, given the knowledge that he isn't some one-off deviant, but a foolish man who has let his d*ick rule his head, in the face of relentless pressure to do so.

Of course, men have to take responsibility for themselves and their actions, but really, I don't think he is in a minority for this, and this wider context is important for how Twopeas takes this forward...

Good luck with however you want to deal with this.

OP, I have to disagree with you. I don't think your friend is the best person to talk to about this. You don't share similar views.

I think you are muddying the waters by thinking about your affair. I'm speaking as someone whose ex had affairs, so I'm not being naive. There is a huge difference between meeting someone, falling for them and having a relationship with them, even though you are married or in a relationship, and going onto a Sex in the UK website, waxing his backside, for Christ's sake, and watching a young girl get raped and having an orgasm in the process.

You are not comparing like with like, here.

Your friend may refer to rape videos as a fetish - I completely disagree.

And, can I just say, I think the reason he left these things available to view on his computer means that he thinks you're going nowhere, because you feel guilty about the affair. He asked you to wax his backside, for Christ's sake, when he's clearly not doing that for your benefit.

He is vile. It will be hard being alone with three children, but a hell of a lot better than climbing into bed every night with a man who gets off on seeing a drugged woman being raped.

And even if he has no money, surely he can sleep at a friend's house or at his mum's?

Twopeas, I think the general (and right) outrage over the nature of the videos has obscured the fact that something else is going on, he's searching on dating sites and waxing his privates when, as you say, he's not doing this for your benefit. I think your internal alarm is going off big time, mine would be too. It's not just a porn issue (which is quite enough given the nature of the porn), I can't think of a good reason why someone would take up waxing all over when their wife is pregnant with their third child and sex is pretty much off the menu, apart from the absolutely obvious.

I feel so sorry for you, you must feel like you are trapped in a nightmare, can you get RL support from family or friends?

The shaving and waxing, to me, indicated that this guy is a bit more into porn than the occasional self-help situation. It is what people do when they are preparing themselves for photographs or films and don't want the reality of hair getting in the way of the money shot.
Although according to my friend, some men shave their pubic hair to make their cock look bigger
Either way, it's all adding up to a very unpleasant bigger picture.

i understand where you are coming from hun. My husband watched porn whilst i was pregnant with our 3rd. What i didn't realise is i'd got PND from my 2nd and his actions really pushed me over the edge (not saying you have, just explaining) I felt the same as you did. Like i wasn't worth anything cause if he loved me he wouldn't watch it etc especially after me telling him how it made me feel.

Our 3rd is know nearly 5 and i am expecting our 4th i know he still watches porn and has even had coversations with other women on facebook, but he tells me i am beinf stupid and he would never cheat. But as others have said why go there?

Not sure about your hubby but mine will stay up all night on the net. He did it last night and didn't come to bed until 8am this morning. the trouble is i search like mad now trying to find out what he is doing. It drive me insane to be totally honest.

I;ve spoken to a close friend and she doesn't seem any harm in watching porn, but it makes me feel sick.

I wish i had left but then i wouldn't be having another baby and apart from the porn our relationship is ok.

I;m sorry i haven't been more helpful but just wanted you to know your not on your own and def not blowing things out of proportion x