Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

I haven't read the whole thread but OP you are not a twat.

Sleeping with someone else might be relevant if he had done the same but he hasn't. He has brought violent illegal pornography into your children's home. That has nothing to do with anything you have done.

Surely he has a friend or relative he could stay with even for a few days? I'm afraid I would be sceptical if he says he has absolutely nowhere to go. This is the man who told you he downloaded violent pornography and joined dating sites because he was 'curious'. II wouldn't be trusting a word he says.

You must have been having a horrible time. I hope you can get some space to process everything. Remember you have a beautiful baby on the way and though things will be tough you will have three DCs who adore you and who will bring you joy in the future.

Twopeas I hope you are doing ok. I bet your mind is just zooming around atm, and it must be very hard trying to be normal in front of the children when your life has been turned upside down. As some other people have suggested, are their ANY friends/family your DH could doss with for a few days, just so you can have some head space and so he realises things aren't going to 'go back to normal' without some major work. You don't have to tell the friends/family tho whole truth, just say you are rowing and need some space from each other.

On another note, this thread has gone very quiet. Once again donning my hard hat, I wonder if it because posters have gone off to check their DH/P's laptops/PC's/mobiles, and maybe haven't liked what they have seen?

I really don't think that's what's happened, SecondSeries.

what an odd thing to suggest Second

Um..I trust my DH actually,and I know he isn't interested in porn.I am sure there are lots of others like me.

No indeed, some men aren't interested in porn. Many more are, and lie about it though.

My point stands, what twopea's DH did is horrible. However, and unfortunately, t is probably not unusual, and no number of anecdotes of 'my DP is not like that' will change the fact that our culture is pushing men and allowing men to behave like this. It is only slowing coming to people's attention quite how devastating this can be on an individual and a wider basis however.

I also believe quite a lot of women don't want to believe their partners of capable of this. Some won't be, but some are, and the number is growing, as are the numbers of men seeking psychological help for sex-related behaviours and couples for therapy after similar experiences.

It's interesting that both your big shocks happened in the Christmas holidays - what fun times you must have had :( Assuming he doesn't become a misogynist, lying pervert only at the festive season, would it be fair to suppose he pursues his 'hobbies' while at work normally? And couldn't last ten days without them ...

TwoPeas good to see you on another thread. Hope you're okay.

OP - I'm glad you've reached some sort of conclusion with your partner, and clarified things to some degree. You and I know it's not over, not by a long shot, but the end of the beginning is where you are. Whatever the outcome of this most recent crisis, you're going to have to maintain some sort of relationship with him for the good of the children. I wish you luck with that, and my PM is open to you if you need advice. PS: I'm not the mysoginist twat I may have come across as. (shrug) can't prove that on an internet forum.

To the rest of mumsnet - I'm truly sorry that my non-mainstream views and opinions caused offence. I'm not ok with violence against women, or indeed men, and I'm not ok with rape, either faked or real. If my post gave the impression that I am, then I truly failed in stating my actual opinion and position. My bad, and I apologise for the offence caused. But...

... to those posters who presumed to take my divorce as reason to invalidate any opinion I might have - shame on you. How can you be so judgemental about a 16 year relationship you knew nothing about until reading my brief post?

I stand by my opinion that those calling for OP to call the police ought to be ashamed of themselves. Armchair warriors calling, nay insisting, nay baying, on the breakup of a family because a stupid man watched, or downloaded, something stupid from the internet is not ok. These are real people , and real children (OP and family), not playthings for you to tinker and mess with during your leisure hours.

So sorry you are going through this TwoPeas, living with him atm must be hell. Please take of yourself and your lovely children. It's just so sad at a time when you all should be happy. At least you will have a darling nb to cradle, rather than an empty bedsit or flat to face like your idiot dp.

I remember watching a rape scene in a film with Dp, I couldn't even look under the blanket. Like you if I ever found something like that my dp had deliberately downloaded he would be history.

If you had bothered to read the thread, flamegirl, you will see that the OP's dp has NOT downloaded violent illegal pornography

A google search of porn produced 1.900,000,000 results; a search of 'rape porn' produced some 50,000,000 results. It is highly improbable that any of these almost 2.5 BILLION sites will be displaying illegal images.

I mention this purely to illustrate that the OP's dp has not had to search the sinkholes of depravity that exist on the internet to find images that, albeit distateful to some individuals, form the basis of many male and female sexual fantasies.

If you had read my response on page 6 of your thread, OP, you will see that I, for one, suggested that if you are unable to resolve this matter through full and frank dialogue with your dp in a calm and reasonable manner you give consideration to seeking individual and joint counselling.

The reason I have suggested counselling is that many young men need education as to the true human cost of pornograpy rather than ill-considered condemnation of their use of porn for sexual gratfication.

Your infidelity and the fact that he has joined a dating site is further indication that you have issues that may be resolved by communcating with each other in the presence of a neutral third party. At the very least this should enable you to part on good terms without unnecessary ill-considered recriminations on either side.

It's appropriate that you have referred to rape scenes that are available on the box and in cinemas, LivingDead.

The Hollywood film 'The Accused' seems to be undergoing something of a renaissance on freeview of late. When this and other such films are screened no doubt the aforementioned internet sites score less hits.

izzywhizzy He has suggested counselling together, however I'm finding myself increasingly numb, I've mentioned upthread feeling oddly numb rather than my usual reaction to similar, which would be rage/crying/screaming. Been relatively minimal amounts of crying etc so far, more shock and disgust and just feeling nothing.
Your mention of the Accused film is interesting, I was chatting to a friend about unrelated topic and he mentioned he had seen The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo at the cinema, which shocked him because apparently there's a very graphic scene of a woman being anally raped on it. Guess what film has been downloaded onto the PC as well?! Bingo. Yet that's mainstream, so not a lot I can say about that, I assumed it was just a film, but it links in horribly with what my 'D'P had been up to.

But having said that, I wouldn't want to live in a world censored so heavily that such scenes can't be included in films because of the odd rape fantasist or fucking weirdo 'ruining' it for others; so I guess there's no answer to the porn thing, such broad views on what's acceptable in society.And someone upthread mentioned how they reckon lots of Mnetters will probably have surrepticiously checked their partners' web history after reading this thread, how depressing is that. Because my partner, in my eyes, WAS one of those normal men, average bloke, average tastes, good with the family, seemed totally content, adored me, lots of hugging and kissing, we could usually talk about things. Yet I was wrong

Makes me think at the age of 25 I will never trust anyone again! Pretty boring way to live, but necessary for damage limitation if even relatively decent caring people can fuck you over whilst appearing to be throwing themselves into a good family christmas.

Ps. sorry that previous post was a bit rambling, just had a horribly depressing weekend trying to be normal for the kids whilst being isolated from him. Last night we discussed him leaving again, i said that is what I want, he said he doesn't want to, but ultimately it is my decision. Doesn't shed any light on what will happen at the birth of this baby though, not so sure I could involve my mum in it because she's a massive 'flapper' and I'd probably be calmer on my own!

Twopeas sweetie you ramble away if it makes you feel better!

I really feel for you and this horrible situation. Whatever the rightrs/wrongs/actions/intentions of your partner the bottom line now is you now feel you don't trust him or want him in your life.

Have you discussed the imminent break-up with your MW? She doesn't need to know the details just that it's sad but you are parting. I'm sure she'll have lots of advice and hopefully some practical support.

Big hugs.

Just seen your updates OP and the responses and I can understand why you're feeling numb.

I'm really uncomfortable with the way that some posters seem to be downplaying this, but perhaps it is better for you that you see those responses, because that's what will happen to an extent in RL.

I find that posters on this site often confuse what someone has been caught doing, with what they've actually been doing.

Just because you found only one downloaded file, it is assumed that his habit can't be that bad. But violent porn is so easily accessible now that no-one needs to download it to watch it later. What he downloaded is in no way an indication of what he watches. It is an indication though of something he enjoyed so much he didn't want to risk not finding it again.

The dating site stuff's the same. It's the first time you've found evidence of it, which is not the same as the first time he's been on those sites.

You've said that his reaction from your discovery until you threatened leaving was one of nonchalance and 'so what?' which means that he wasn't sorry about what he did, or even particularly sorry about being caught doing it. He's only sorry now because it's politic for him to be so and because he realises it's a deal-breaker for you and the effect this is going to have on his life, but not yours.

I'd advise you not to let yourself be affected by what other people find acceptable or unacceptable in relationships. At 25 you are still finding your own limits and I would trust your own instincts about what this says about your husband and whether you can live with it.

There will unfortunately be people of your own age (including your partner and friend) who have never lived in an internet porn-free era and have become so desensitised to what is acceptable that they can't be objective. What they've seen and what others cheerfully accept has overwritten their conscience. If it does trouble them from time to time, they fall back on excuses like you've seen here: It's not illegal (despite it depicting illegal acts), people can't help what turns them on (but they can help what they watch and download), the violence is not real (they don't know that and there's compelling evidence that much of it is real), rape is depicted in movies at the cinema (something that feminists of both sexes campaigned against when The Accused was made, because the scenes were unnecessary and gratuitous.)

Focus on what you want from your future life and don't allow people to infer that you're hysterical or making a big deal out of nothing. Trust what your own conscience is telling you.

Excellent lucid advice Charbon

< applauds charbon >

Sorry posted before finishing there lol. I know for a fact that some friends and relatives will think I am overdoing it in my reaction for the reasons you said. But I am the person who would have to quietly atrophy inside whilst living under the guise of moving on from it; only I know what it means to me, and I'm the one who would have to live with that. Just thought I'd mention we aren't actually married (thank fuck!) as that would have made it harder to sort, although it's still as hard emotionally as if we were married, 7 years is a long time.

I've been battling with myself thinking I should remain utterly objective and try to offset the fact that I cannot trust him, with the fact that I broke his trust in the past and have managed to regain it, something I was very grateful for. But the bare bones of it remain; I am leaning more towards concentrating on the last few weeks of pregnancy, ensuring my DDs have stability and working on my self-esteem. None of which involves wanting to spend every day wondering what he's up to at work (I work part time and will soon be on maternity leave so much more 'free time' than him) or thinking the man I chose and expected to be a role model for the kids is actually a liar,and in a disturbing way too.

Next. just got to sort the practicalities out, I honestly think I'd never be able to bring it up with any midwives etc, I seem to see a different one each time I go, and am a fairly private and reserved person in RL (so starting this thread was a challenge! The advice and support has made up for it tenfold thankfully) plus I really don't see what actual help they could offer? On baby no.3 you pretty much get on with it don't you, less appointments and things, so would be a massive leap from quick practical ten minute appt with them, to discussing this..

And also Charbon it is entirely possible he's always been into this kind of porn and just hidden it better in the past. He's very computer-savvy, and said before he 'only' uses those live streaming type of websites like redtube? I'm not sure what that sites like, have no desire to look tbh because it will just put me in a shittier mood

And you've now realised that the 'only watching redtube' insistence was a lie.

I can understand you not wanting to mention this to an ever-changing cast of midwives, but I really do advise you to get a full STI check. The symptoms you reported upthread need investigating and I think you need to confront that the dating site activity you found might suggest real infidelity has already happened. Again what you found might just be the tip of the iceberg.

I think you are comparing apples and pears and making the mistake of assuming that just because he's forgiven you for infidelity, he has a right to forgiveness for whatever he does. This isn't about 'evening up the score' because you still have the right to say: "I might forgive some things, but not others." The comparison would only work if the 'offences' were similarly motivated and the contrition and lessons learnt thereafter, identical. I don't think they are, in this case.

I posted very early on in this thread, twoPeas after reading about the symptoms you described and asked if you'd go to the doctor/clinic re your post sex symptoms-

Please go to the GU (Genito-Urinary) clinic at your local hospital. They are truly non judgemental, anonymous and will treat you with dignity, compassion and respect. Please get yourself checked out both for any sexually transmitted infections and also a smear test when staff deem best to do this.

OP: talk as much as you want or need to. There are lots of us listening to you and wishing you the best.

Carbon: great post, as ever.

You definately need to check yourself out for STDs if you are pregnant!

I cannot stress that enough.

and no, I'm not going to go into someone else's story here

Charbon, I'm not in total disagreement with you. If OP does have doubts about her partners faithfulness, then she should get checked out. It's uncomfortable, but worth it for both her and the sake of her child.

I do still have serious concerns with your assertion that OP's female friend who enjoys porn is "a man pleasing idiot" and that OP's partner "hates the fact that women might enjoy sex".

You made that assertion in a public forum to an obviously traumatised and vulnerable woman. Can you justify that, based on the evidence that you had at the time of posting?