Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

the point is Izzy that by virtue of fantasising about it, it means the sex is wanted. ... It is impossible for a woman to fantasise about really being raped. Because rape is by its very definition sex that a woman does not want

Good post, dinner.

I stopped looking for what he had spent those tens of thousands of pounds on....but I still have the hard drive, should anyone need any evidence at some point in the future.

Would you really consider throwing away a relationship with your man, the father of your children, just because he downloaded a porn clip you don't like the look of? It is an amazing over reaction.
You invaded his privacy for a start and you admit you have been having a less than thorough relationship with him in the bedroom.
I am pretty sure all sorts of men look at all sorts of porn for all sorts of reasons; does it make them all rapists/gang bangers/gorilla fantasists/insert weird porn film type here???

"Call the police" FFS, what are they going to do about it? Get a grip people.

Why are some people putting a film titled Real Drugged Rape into some category of porn and trying to give it legitimacy as a wank accessory?

Seriously - what is the thought process that makes that OK?

A densitised thought process, Robot - please see the links I've provided on the previous page. The first article is essential reading for any who use the internet regardless of whether they access porn when doing so.

Anyone who undertakes any of the simple searches that I performed willl find that the titles of the downloads on offer are creative, to say the least.

It's precisely because porn is an emotive issue that I've endeavoured to keep my responses dispassionate as I don't believe that prejorative or judgement views are in the best interests of the OP, Arty.

However, I suspect many of those who have misguidedly, given the laws of the UK, called for police action in this matter would, in reality, find it easier to forgive or otherwise countenance a spouse/partner's use of porn than actual physical infidelity although, some of course, would view both acts as equally heinous and would immediately terminate their relationships with the offender.

Well said Izzy, Artyv's comments are most unhelpful and divisive to say the least

Looking at porn. What a weaselly expression. "Looking" at porn is what I do when I'm trying the locate the geek mags in a newsagent, or when I watch a video and YouTube thinks I might want to see Bubble Bath Anal Gang Bang next. I look at the titles & pictures, reject 'em and move along.

Staring transfixed at a film showing sexual abuse of a young woman by other men, while grasping your penis and frantically rubbing until you orgasm isn't "looking" by most people's standards.

Unless I've been getting it wrong in WH Smith all these years.

skims wades through the intense dicussion about porn to actually talk to the OP

twopeas I knwo what you mean about the hips, when I was in late pregnancy/early labour I wanted to move around as much as possible as that's supposed to help progress labour, but I couldn't physically do it! I felt like everything was going to pop apart.

I hope you get some rest this w/e whilst DD1 is out to play. Regardless of what is going to happen with the P long-term, I'd take full advantage of his nicer than niceness guilt-trip at the moment and use it to make life as easy as possible for yourself during this last few weeks.

OP how about a different way of reporting it?- Ring the police and tell them you have on your pc in the deleted files, a file that having thought about it after you deleted in disgust, you have been thinking about and now you believe shows actions that are illegal. And you want it checking to see if it in fact a real rape or staged for the cameras rape.

So, you are reporting the file itself and its origins, rather than your partner if that makes sense? Anything the police do after that is out of your hands, but you will gain closure at least. And you will be able to look partner in the face and tell him it was the file itself which worried you, and of course you know he did not make the file so wont get in trouble etc etc.

The police may tell you it is fake and not illegal, they may tell you it is illegal and they may even find more stuff he has already deleted that may in fact make your choice to end this easier...lots of different outcomes but come what may you will have done the right thing.

I think you need to get to the bottom of whether he thinks this is sexually arousing or not. In my view, sex involving anyone that's vulnerable- whether a child or a forced adult, is not sex at all, it is violence.

I would try and keep channels open to find out exactly what really does float his boat. If he condones violent sex he is ultimately not going to be a good father and I would keep him well away.

But also, if you've been condoning him watching porn because you feel guilty about your affair and have health issues, it's possible that he's just clicked on the wrong link. Websites can be quite aggressive in pushing stuff at you that you don't want. It is possible he didn't want to see this stuff.

Once you have recovered from the trauma of witnessing violence - not a matter to be brushed aside by any means - you are in shock - try to trust your gut instinct about him. Does he want the relationship to work or is he looking for a way out? It sounds like you both have a lot of stuff to sort out.

Spendit he downloaded it. He didn't just view it. He downloaded and saved it onto the computer.

He cannot, in the face of that evidence, claim that he doesn't condone that sort of thing.

Op I hope you are ok.

Hold on though you can download something very easily by just clicking on it to view it. Like when you watch something on utube - you're downloading it aren't you? I may be completely wrong though, it's something that has always confused me.

No, YouTube streams the video to you but doesn't download the file onto your computer, ie you can't watch a YouTube video again without going back to YouTube. If you download it's in your files and you Can watch it any time, without needing to go back online.
Hope that makes sen - don't think I've explained it very well sorry.

I think you've explained it well, rhonda :) Just hope there aren't too many readers going ... oh, wait ... oh ... my ... goodness ... after having been convinced all that porn on their partner's computer was downloaded by Internet Magic.

I'm not making excuses for the content of the stuff that OP saw, but he may have downloaded it thinking it's not so extreme? She is letting him view porn so it could have been a mistake. If that is his excuse, she needs to know whether that's possible. Is viewing it illegal as well, if so, what if it's a popup - I'm forever getting stairlifts and Damart popping up on my screen, if you're browsing porn sites, he'll be getting the hotnsexy version of that, surely.

I'm forever downloading shite, but it's just when I click on a link to 'find out more'. It's all very murky...

are you forever downloading shite entitle "Real Anal Rape" and saving it for later, spendit?

I've reread the OP, it was long and I must admit I skimmed through the scary bits, and one of the files was clarly called "Real Drugged Rape" either way the man has known exactly what he is downloading and openly admitted that he has done it out of choice, using the word 'downloaded'. The file names are not euphemisms that could be coyly misunderstood.

It is time to either call the cops or kick out the man and his computer. I wonder if he would get put on the sex offenders register for this?

Artyv Unless pregnancy can last twice as long as the usual gestation, there is no physical way that the baby is anyone other than his (the father of my other 2 as well). I have mentioned somewhere here I'm sure, that I cheated once, and you say I should feel ashamed- well of course I fucking do! Thats what normal people feel when theyve done wrong. I've gone over that/written about it I'm sure. Transparency is the best way to get results, Ive been transparent with him regarding the reasons I cheated and we worked out how to move on from it. He hasn't taken that approach though has he, in going on dating sites? Secretly wanking over frankly horrible things? No disguising a drugged rape of a young woman as a fetish or subcategory of normal porn for me, maybe you think its ok and thats your lookout but I don't have to live with/raise kids with you, so I was here gathering ideas and opinions to help me get out of a confused fug I am in over it. Also, I established early upthread that I wasn't snooping on him, I have the password to his PC and he has mine; he was in fact walking around behind me doing little jobs etc while I found it! So not sure why I should respect his privacy when there was no issue with that from him, or me...
I however can remain objective in 'comparing' what hes done to what I did The two are different, both wrong, but in different ways. But i cant remain objective with you, so fuck off if you haven't got a more intelligent way in which to establish my character flaws and past relationship crimes, especially those I've already gone over. I'm not trying to underestimate the hurt I've caused him; but for that to make him want to masturbate to young woman getting abused? That's the reaction of someone who isn't normal.

spenditwisely Unfortunately he later admitted that he did search specifically for 'rape', and chose the specific file titled Real Drugged Rape, and downloaded it because he chose to So definitely not accidentally downloaded.

I don't know if it is illegal at the end of the day, all I know is that it is so far beyond what I would find acceptable in porn or even a violent film, and having know 'd'P for 7yrs it has also proven I don't know him very well, becasue he did download it to 'wank to'. Hes still here by the way!! Anyone who wants to know!!! I feel like I'm ten centimetres away from losing my mind. He's uninstalled and packed his computer away into a cupboard, at first I thought "Good, saves me smahsing it up/ dumping it at a police station" but now I'm driving myself mad thinking he's just made it so I can't go on it and do any further finding out.

Hi there, peas

I was wondering if he was still there but didn't like to ask because my next utterance would be "why???"

Interesting that he has dismantled the pc. Have you asked him why he did that ?

What is he saying to you at the moment ?

Sorry, but I just laughed at Spendit comparing pop ups for Stairlifts and Damart thermals to downloading rape porn.

If you cannot see the absurdity of that, then you really have to go and have a wee think about it.

OP
Good for your for staying strong. Try not to think about what else could have been on the PC, just concentrate on getting yourself sorted out.

And Spendit
You might like to stop clicking on dodgy downloads, you are likely to get some nasty virus at some point.

AnyF hes here because until he gets paid there is no money to do anything else, sounds ridiculous but there we are! A weird politeness is pervading my house right now, noone dares set a foot wrong. Limbo. I was hoping you would reappear on this thread, I've read a few other relationship things you've posted on, I find myself thinking things like 'how many men say they are innocently on dating sites then it escalates to actual cheating or turns out they were really lying'- need evidence to spur myself on a bit. Someone else suggested laying low and relaxing, letting him be Mr Niceguy-EffortMaker, seems a bit counterproductive in the long run though, but then I though of other posts Ive read on various threads along the lines of taking strength from knowing that it's MY decision he's not out on the streets right now- taking ownership of the situation, so even if he does fuck it up, at least I could say I chose to pick the path of least resistance, and keep my ears pricked up whilst looking after number one (and Numbers 1,2 & 3-the kids) Also this would minimise immediate disruption but let me remain detached. or is that craziness, I just can't seem to work up a good righteous rage at this late stage of pregnancy to do anything else I dont think?!

Hes saying all the 'right' things to me at the mo, I've explained my overriding need to protect my brain from the shock/ feeling let down/like I dont know him; he says he wants no other woman ever, would never make a date or arrange a fuck buddy, wants rid of the PC, wants to build up my trust, be open etc. We agreed on this when I cheated though, and now it feels a bit hollow, 'cos I thought we were committed to changing back then at least I was.

He actually got emotional. brought up sad/upsetting things from the past, feelings he doesnt usually choose to share so i dont know anythings wrong iyswim? I said Im not so fragile/pathetic that he must hide all bad/sad emotion from me.. And have resolved to never be needy or dependant around him (not like I was anyway) to fit his 'weak woman' stereotype hes unwittingly built up.

Mmelindor I laughed at spendits Damart thermals too, classic and just too cute mumsnet is the best place for unexpected little bits of light when you are feeling generally shit. On a serious note though, I've used the internet for years and I haven't encountered all these dodgy porn pop-ups; isnt it odd that men happen across them daily?!

Twopeas I was also sorry to read he's still there. If the only reason for that is money, have you told him that once he gets paid you want him to leave?

Do you?

Disabling the computer is an empty gesture, but it does stop you searching for more incriminating evidence.

I don't know how he can lie to your face about the dating sites and having no intentions of being unfaithful, especially with all the evidence of his new grooming regime. I often think the things that would offend me more (apart from my health and that of my unborn child being risked) would be someone insulting my intelligence and thinking I was a fool.

You are anything but a fool twopeas, but I do think you're in danger of burying this until it doesn't hurt as much and you'll be preoccupied with the new baby, by which time you'll convince yourself that he's changed, despite nothing but his empty words to prove that.

Charbon your last sentence makes me feel awful because it's exactly what could so easily happen if I look with brutal honesty at the situation It's scary to admit that on here though becasue I am very well aware of what I should do in terms of respecting myself and going forward without so many goddamn flaws always cropping up when things looked good (from his angle and mine) The consensus would be, that i am a doormat/weak and it's only a matter of time before I post on here that it has escalated. I've seen similar threads happen before,too.

I do feel like my intelligence has been insulted, over the dating sites things mostly, they are less 'serious' in one respect than the 'porn' to me, but I cannot for the life of me think of one realistic reason why anyone would go on such sites unless they are seeking real life contact with someone else. I've outlined my past on here (the cheating thing) and I just feel that if he could leave before he feels the need to cheat, or something, (what though?!) that it would be better. Better for his self-esteem not to have to lie, better for the children although I imagine they will never know of this obviously.

Ive got to the stage now where I can't seem to stop thinking about it; it's actually boring me now, I dont want the negativity, I'm scared of the 'hard way' and repelled at myself for past cheating and my lazy attitude to just sorting this He seems so nice though! He's really wearing me out with his general niceness right now.