Found a file saved on Partner's PC

[TwoPeasOnePod]

OK. This happened on 31st dec, been thinking about posting since then to get opinions, seeing as I can't seem to break out of the numb feeling to form one of my own. I am 25, have 2 DD's under 5 with my partner,been together about 7 years now. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child. We live together.

Looking through the files hes recently downloaded, whilst he was walking around in the background feeding kids etc,so I wasnt being sneaky, I noticed some general porn saved (an orgy one and a nurse-themed one) He knows it pisses me off, so I deleted them and had a bit of a whinge (not a HUGE deal to me, as our sex life is pretty non-existent due to my anaemia/seem to bleed easily after sex/hip pain)
so a 'normal' wank to a bit of vanilla porn is the best of a shitty deal to me, I feel I cant stop him using it.
Carried on randomly looking, and saw two quite different films saved that hes downloaded- one was titled something like hot german Teenager fisting, and the other was called Real Drugged Rape.
I clicked on it to see what the actual fuck it was, and as the title suggests, it appeared to me to be a young (18 to 20 at a guess) Asian woman in the back of a car, VERY drowsy/almost unconscious, being fondled/exposed/touched by some older man, filming on what appeared to be shaky handheld camera.

I skipped through it, saw a few seconds of the woman face down being raped etcetera. All of which is BURNED into my fucking memory. It pops into my head constantly, it is making me ill with stress.I felt like i was genuinley going to faint, due to shock i think, and utter, utter disgust. And I asked my partner to come and explain it. He said he "downloaded it out of curiosity" and when asked if he finds it in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER a turn-on, he vehemently denied that it is, likening it to watching executions etc that are real and available online (I didn't know he would watch that either!!) I didnt really look at the fisting one, but its the same category, relatively young woman being used and violated.

I said to him that even if the rape one isn't a film of a 'real' rape, the fantasy of raping a very young woman WHO IS FUCKING DRUGGED (or acting?! how the fuck can you know for sure) is completely wrong to me, as a mother if two DDs I cannot tolerate a person who would even look at it just out of curiosity, much less select it, download it, and then keep it. He apologised and said he is stupid, didnt 'think'.

Despite the fact he says he gets nothing sexual out of it, I am obviously not believing that. Why the fuck else would he download it? (thats a genuine question, I cant think of any other reason why, and the resulting congnitive dissonance is making me ill. I dont want to believe it is true, because it will make the imminent birth of my child etc very hard if Im alone.)

So, from a feminist point of view (am trying to use that as an approach to my life, have very low self esteem too) I am thinking I should remove him from mine and my DDs presence, I feel THAT strongly about it. He is otherwise a lovely-seeming person, a bit cold and robotic sometimes but funny, warm, and has what I would previously have described as vanilla tastes re porn, sex etc. He says fisting is normal? I didnt think so, but dont really know in terms of general acceptability.
He certainly hasnt tried to hide it as such,knowing I have free access to his PC, just dont use it. He didnt expect me to fidn it though.Also found that in the fortnight before Xmas he has joined a dating site and a 'sex in the UK' site. When I confronted him, he says it was curiosity again and he would never actually cheat, just clicked links and had a nosy.........

I feel like a total twat, due to give birth soon, and obviously at some point he is probably going to fuck me over. Current emotional situation is totally numb. I havent done anything or said anything conclusive to him about the whole thing because in the past I slept with someone else once, and so am battling with remaining objective. Because till now he hasnt put a foot wrong that I know of. I cannot believe how vulnerable he has made me feel.

Sorry for length of post but trying not to drip feed.

Yes, but that's his intention - to wear you down with his 'niceness'. Plus he knows you're in a vulnerable position right now being so heavily pregnant. Given how wonderfully assertive, intelligent and strong you come across in your posts, he's trading on that vulnerability - and also your lingering guilt. I doubt that he would have risked getting caught doing this if you had no children, weren't pregnant or financially dependent on him for anything and hadn't slept with someone else and taken responsibility for it.

He's reading the situation very well, from his point of view, but none of this is for your benefit at all.

I don't understand why he can't leave until he gets paid. I think you're making excuses OP. If you don't want him to go, well then that's your choice, but if you do then KICK. HIM. OUT.

He'll find someone to stay with. Otherwise he'll just have to wrap up warm won't he. For gods sake he wanks off to videoes of young women being raped!!! What does he have to do exactly, to make you not want him?

You are anything but a fool twopeas, but I do think you're in danger of burying this until it doesn't hurt as much and you'll be preoccupied with the new baby, by which time you'll convince yourself that he's changed, despite nothing but his empty words to prove that.

I was just going to post something along those lines. I think you are trying to talk yourself into "laying low" and carrying on. What will happen then is your hurt, disquiet and confusion will quieten (as it always does, eventually), the baby will come and this will all start to look like a bad dream that it would be easier to brush under the carpet than face up to

This is exactly the path your husband wants you to take. He has time on his side, and upcoming events to take your mind off the immediate problem. The rape porn. The dating sites. The dodgy behaviour.

Now, if this is a conscious and positive decision you are making, there are people who would do the same and support you in that. Fooling yourself into it by default would be a very wrong thing to do though, and guaranteed to come back on bite you on the arse. Especially if there are no consequences for his actions, which will virtually give him a green card to do it all over again.

Think very carefully, Sometimes doing nothing is the right thing to do. Very often it isn't. Your call.

I'm relieved I brought some laughter into your misery earlier, however embarrassing it was on my part to be so bloody flippant.

But your recent posts have made my heart sink, and I am shuddering at the sneakiness that he is getting up to. He's being 'nice'. The man that looked up live drug rape and downloaded it?

My first thought is he's got an internet mate who has given him advice. I can almost guarantee that on his computer are not only websites, but names of other people who have shared these files. You can bet your bottom dollar they gloat at this wretchedness together.

And so he's possibly doing this to protect himself, and them too. And he's being nice because it's the only way he will survive without getting a criminal record. He's not being nice because he cares about you I'm afraid.

Seriously, I would contact your local police station, or even go down there, tell them the whole story, tell them that you need protection. They will give you every bit of support because they know they will find a great long list of perverts on your pc that they can go and round up.

If you choose to do this you should get this thread deleted as well.

sorry to see you at such an impasse twopeas

of course he is going to be nice - he is grovelling for all his sorry arse is worth.
spendit - the police thing was covered wayyyy back. nip back and have a read.
at risk of repeating myself for the benefit of all the outraged newbies - no point in going to the police, of course the op could if she wanted to speak with an officer but the download on the pc is likely to be staged porn - and however shit this sounds - rape porn is not illegal. yes i know....but it isnt. thats just the law. and the chances of finding out where its come from are zilch, it could have gone from pc to pc, from anywhere in the world.
by all means phone the police for reassurance, but i think you would find i am right.
morality is another matter altogether than the law im afraid, but op knows that if this troubles her she can phone them for advice.

more pressing is getting to a GUM clinic before the baby comes and making some decisions.

twopeas apologies if this has already been covered upthread (couldn't see it), but what does he say is the reason for his new 'grooming' regime. What possible reason could he have for that one?

This is a truly horrible situation to go through, I do hope you are able to make some concious decisions about your future whatever you decide to do.

Morning all, thanks for replies, Im feeling pretty wretched today because of snapping at a couple of posters about my cheating yesterday I hate online sniping, everyone's entitled to their opinions, sorry about that izzy if you're still following from previous posts.
I guess my relationship is built on a fair few other problems too,like the cheating, despite appearing OK til now. I find it very helpful to post on here at the minute too.

I'm aware that the 'niceness' is to cover his arse so to speak I think what I'm going to do is take the PC to the skips, and if he does 'ask for it back' I will explain and say sorry but I had to get rid of it.
The poster who asked about why I haven't kicked him out yet, honestly? I have no idea why I haven't. It is very uncharacteristic of me actually, because I would have imagined jealousy at the dating sites would have been enough, let alone the feelings I've had over the 'porn'. Yet still nothing. Trying to work out if hes suddenly evolved from a fairly laid-back 'black and white'-seeming person to a highly evolved pyschological manipulator, or something.

Don't worry about the GUM clinic vicar I'm on the case, initially for advice/a chat, will update if anything horrendous rears its' head to risk my unborn baby I went and had tests after I had cheated and was 'clean', so it will be pretty conclusive if I have got anything!!

Heleninahandcart His reason behind his unusual grooming was that it was 'a treat for me' (his actual words) I don't understand how it's a treat though, or would make me any more likely to want sex very much late on in pregnancy, but there you go! Even if we did resume loads of sex, it wouldn't necessitate him waxing his arsehole, so that's anyone's guess!

He works loads of hours so it's a good/bad thing, in a way feels like he's hardly here to bother me anyway, on the other hand it makes things take longer to sort/talk over. The craziest thing is I feel guilty for running him down online like this (why?!) but it's tough shit I'm afraid, due to not particularly wanting to go over the whole mess with anyone in RL, after careful thought. I thought about just showing him this entire thread so I don't get flustered/upset and not say what I mean as eloquently and measuredly as I'd prefer, not sure if that's a good idea though

If it were me, despite what others have said about not going to the police, I would keep hold of that hard drive.

It may be useful at some point in the future. Things change,there may be things on there that you don't know (or WANT TO KNOW) about on there.

I just really would not get rid.

I think you need to put all thoughts about your own cheating out of your mind. Its not a tit for tat situation - he doesnt get the chance for a 'discretion' (and I use that term most loosely) to equal up the score. The cheating was one thing, you dealt with it together and agreed to move on with a clean slate.
I can understand why you think this though - I know that before my ex came to the UK, and he was already treating me like crap but I was making excuses, I cheated on him. Friends of mine knew about this, so when he came and then continued to behave like a prat i didnt call time because I felt as if what he was doing was sort of balancing up the fact that I had done wrong, and my friends might say 'yeah, but you CHEATED....'

Of course he didnt know that I had cheated, so he had no need to balance against anything, but my own guilt certainly allowed me to allow him to treat me in an unacceptable way, and I felt as if it was a punishment that I deserved.
Of course I was wrong. I had done something wrong, although that in itself should have given me an indication that the relationship with ex was probably not right in the first place, BUT no one deserves 'punishment' in a relationship.

I think the disconnecting the pc is a bit of a red herring. And the worry that it means you cannot look further are probably correct. It doesnt necessarily mean he has no internet/email access, just not where you can get at it. And I agree with those who say that he is being nice as a tactic, espsecially while you are at a vulnerable point. He is hoping that time and your need to be tied up with the new baby will take this off the agenda for long enough for it to become a faded memory, with faded feelings.
as it stands now you have found out, but apart from him doing a bit of fire-fighting tackling (lies, cover ups and making sure you cant find any more) there has not been any consequences for him, as he has used pity and sweet talk to remain where he is, although with a bit of frostiness from you. He can put up with a bit of frostiness because the payoff of staying put is worth it in the short term, and he knows you are in a position which means that upcoming circumstances will take your mind off it. But it will be letting him know that he can carry on once the dust has settled, but he needs to be a bit more careful in covering his tracks.

Good point singingprincess I am about him hiding it? What awful crap has he got on there he doesn't want discovered?

Twopeas one thing that comes through this thread is your guilt over your previous affair, stirred up by some very holier than thou posters

That was then, this is now, it has passed. He is just playing on your guilt to try and excuse his frankly unforgivable behaviour. Move on and stop apologising for that,he will see it as a weak chink in your armour.

A thought about him not having money for moving out. Tough. He can go and find a sofa somewhere else, just make sure you have enough to last you until you can get tax credits/HB sorted. Have you looked into that? Or will/can your Mum help you short term?

So much going round in your mind I'm sure, but it must be hell living in limbo as you say. Keep posting.x

Vicar - if you think that what he has on his PC is legal why has he dismantled it and put it in the cupboard? What makes you think the rape is not real - OP has stated that she thinks it is real and she has seen it. I admit I didn't read everything - I tend to read OPs posts as they are on highlighted mode.

OP has mentioned how their baby was conceived after she had said 'No' (although it was consensual).

She has also mentioned how after she left, her partner told all their friends about her affair and she is now isolated from them. A good partner would not have done this, they would have tried to cover it up, keep it to themselves and try to make it work. I get the sense that she feels immense guilt and he is not letting her forget that. That's not a healthy relationship.

She has one friend however who is very much into porn and fetish. She is also only 25. This age group have been IMO the most exposed to the worst of the internet as they were teenagers when the www developed very much unrestricted onto their pcs. She was 13 in 2000... and I assume he is a similar age.

OP this might be your blinding moment - it's easy to try and explain this and somehow minimise it, but if you left/changed the locks tomorrow you would have time to settle somewhere before the new baby comes, have stability and security - that's what you all need now. Not questions, guilt, fear, false niceness and sitting on MN while your baby's eating their first spoonful of yoghurt.

do not destroy the hard drive

fwiw, OP, in all my replies to you I have not considered your previous infidelity

it has no bearing, IMO, on recent events and should be considered as a separate event

See it's interesting that noone has suggested counselling (except for him)- is this the kind of situation that couldn't be helped by that? And anyfucker is the hard drive the tower part of the PC? I only use the laptop. I will keep it with an eye to the future in that case.

Nettletea that post resonates with me, he works on a computer all day and I have no idea what he can access at work. I'd imagine emails etc. So I'd never be able to truly relax knowing that. Also last night he accidentally called me the name of the woman he sits next to at work! Charming...I didn't make a big deal though because if you sit with someone 50hrs a week its not hard to say their name accidentally during convo, did piss me off though as he talks about other people at work yet NEVER mentions her... I'm thinking along the lines of insisting he goes away for a while when paid this week, yes he does have sofas etc to sleep on at various places. To reinforce that I am feeling very wrongfooted and it won't be plain sailing regardless of the outcome.

spendit that yogurt comment is heartbreaking Really puts it in perspective, why should I waste my time dissecting every new thing I discover whilst life passes me by?

Have yet to mention it because I cant get my head around his explanation, but checked his other email (the one I know about at least) off my laptop last week and found that he has apparently joined 2 other dating websites, it gave his password/username so I went on them, he said the first one he registered on must have auto-transferred his details and he DEFINITELY DID NOT register on the second two (which have totally different site names etc...) but the same username/password is on all of them?Is that even possible, that he would be 'automatically registered' as he claims? He has been very open, sat and looked through it all with me, signed in to his online banking etc.
The latest dating site history specifically says he 'browsed/chatted' to women throughout Dec and AS RECENTLY AS 10TH JANUARY. If there ever was a second chance, that's it 'used up' and so that will be motivating his niceness.

The emails said Thanks for registering with us, gave his details, also on one there is one postcode and on the other, a different postcode,both postcodes are within 10miles of where we live, so he MUST have registered on them in order to put differing info surely?. I feel like a fucking idiot saying "But look- the email says- its right here" etc and he's getting totally wrought saying he only registered on the first one and definitely not on the others.

Also literally tens of emails from an adult website (sex toys etc) which specifically says he is on the mailing list as a customer....Yet he says hes been getting those emails for years and has categorically NEVER bought anything from them?! He's not bought me anything off them, so who the fuck knows. If this was anyone else in the world I'd be furious and telling them to open their eyes, clearly this is all lies

Twopeas no one has suggested counselling for you, because you don't need it, you haven't done anything that woud have blown many marriages apart (apart from perhaps to boost your self esteem and kick the fucker out?)

No-one has suggested joint counselling because it wouldn't be appropriate where one partner is still lying and minimising, and emotionally manipulating the other one

oh, and anyone who enjoys rape porn needs removing from my life, not counselling while still under my roof

Well if you had any doubts before,that last post surely strengthens your resolve?

Counselling will NOT change anything in fact it'll make things worse because the lying little shit will think he's got away with it + will say what you want to hear.

He is sitting going through it with you and lying to your face because he is so confident that you will believe him, and the 'being open' is part of his ploy to try to make himself look innocent. He knows the stuff is there, and he knows if you look you will find it, so there is no point in trying to deny it, but if he thinks he can bluff it, he will.
He has proven again and again that he has no qualms about straight out lying to you, but he thinks that you would rather believe him and preys on that. Or he thinks you are stupid. Neither of those options paint him in a good light, and neither of those options demonstrate that he is a good partner.

yes, yes and yes, thankyou folks, I will stop asking for clarification for the World's Most Obvious Lies . The first point has been crossed, I'm detached from him, it's going to take time to fully extricate myself/the kids but I'll get there. to all the good advice and very valuable support on here, seriously, it goes beyond words on a screen.

The above comment was clearly made by OP's bitter husband.

TwoPeas I'm glad you've received good, supportive comments on here too. You know you are on the right track :)

twopeas I hope you will ignore that idiotic post and re-read your thread. It would be fairly easy to work out who the male namechanger HormoneGranger is and of course MNHQ will be able to take action if you report his post.

To answer your questions about dating sites: Yes, many are different names for the same company and they do multi-register. However, the postcode discrepancy puts the lie to that one. He must have input them himself. It's possible his email was passed on to the sex toy sites; I'd say that's the least of your worries. Sexy chatting up until last week kind of tells the story.

Nice post by HormoneGranger above (good nickname, though). How does it feel to see what your partner thinks of you?

She's 25 not 29.

29 weeks pregnant, not years old.

What a hideous post.

Oh, good, glad it wasn't the 'being nice' DH after all.

Although that does make the existence of the post even weirder