I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

This is very real although I now wish it wasnt - I am happy to forward the emails to someone to prove it! About the pictures, I found a photo on google images and clicked on it which took me to the site, I then used 'save the picture' and downloaded them and saved them to a file on my laptop. When emailing I attached the emails - it never occured to me that they might come up labled as google photos - again I am happy to link to the site I used if anyone wants proof.

About the house - It will be in my name on the tenancy, I don't earn enough (3x the rent) to not have a guarentour, so he is doing that for me, I have not put a house in joint names since my ex as it is such a nightmare to get out of and I wanted the security of not having to worry about the roof over my DCs heads if this relationship failed. He understands this. I need to be in the new catchment area as my oldest DC needs to go to a special school and our local authority can't see to his needs as much as i'd like - this house is cheap, its what I can afford and like gold dust in the new area.

I know I have been manipulative, over the year he didn't have an email or internet on his phone I didn't have to worry, but then he got the blackberry and the doubts crept in. I had to know whether the first time was really just a curious one off or whether he was just that type of man - I was thinking about marrying him! At least now I know.

He has done everything possible today to spend time away from me, nipping to the shops, tinkering with his car, going to his parents (although I invited myself along) and now he is out again - all the while being extra nice to me, telling me he loves me etc, totally out of character for him. He has been keeping his phone hidden, taking it to the bathroom - if I didn't already know I would definately suspect something.

If anyone has a blackberry have a look and see if you can go to your email inbox cause I couldn't find it on his and I am not bad with phones/computers (bear in mind it was v late at night and he was asleep next to me!) He isnt good with them - he doesnt even know how to wipe his histories. He never uses the laptop aymore.

I know I asked for this but I feel awful, I have a cold heavy lump in my stomach and am struggling to pretend everything is fine, smile and not flinch when he kisses me. I half thought he would flirt with her but never expected him to say the things he has, I have spoon fed him alot of it though.

my heart sinks for you, really it does

have you looked into all the small print wrt the guarantorship ?

I would be absolutely shitting myself at putting mine and my dc's roof over our heads in the hands of a man such as this

He doesn't seem at all suspicious by the way. I would bet every penny I had on him not knowing its me.

The forwarded emails go to the joint account that I cant ever remember him opening, if there is something for him then I tell him and he has a look but its mainly we buy any car emails that come through for him. I have selected the ones that come through to be diverted to a sub folder anyway so they are not on the main inbox.

His sim is in my name and added to my (itemised) t-mobile account so I could access the bill anyway - he seems to have forgotton this.

I dont think you can change your mind about being a guarentour, in the 10 years I have been living in rented housing, anyone that has been one for me has never been asked to re-sign after 6/12 months - I will need to check.

please do, although i have no knowledge at all in this area, admittedly

Once you are a guarantor, it's immensely hard to be taken off the contract, but TBH damm I'd advise that you seek CAB or Shelter help first thing tomorrow and explain the situation.

As I understand it, once the contract is signed and you have moved in, that is that. IF you stopped paying the rent, they could pursue HIM for it, but as long as you keep paying the rent on time, there will be no need for him to have anything to do with the place. Obviously, if he withdraws as guarantor before you check in, you are screwed.

As guarantor he is not granted automatic access to the house, he is only there to pay up if you don't.

I think you are OK legally speaking. All being correct, I would advise you to get the contract signed, and accepted, move yourself THEN tell him that you are leaving him. he can stay in the other place, is that an option?

To become a guarantor you must know about this :-

Who Can Be A Guarantor

1. Must be 18 years old and above
2. Not a bankrupt
3. Of sound mind and having the mental capacity to understand the responsibilities and obligations of a guarantor 4. Not forced, influenced or tricked into being a guarantor

I would say that this would be a very easy out for him.
as you are living together and I suspect that he believes that he would be living with you, it would be classed as being tricked in to signing.

Right first things first. You've made a noob mistake on those pics. One click they will be linked backed to your laptop.

Secondly when a guarantor signs, it's only valid for the intial term, they can pull out after this regardless of anything. Even if the intial contract is water tight.

So start looking for a new guarantor after six months. That's IF the intial contract is water tight and he doesn't challenge it.

I think by playing stupid games, you are gonna get burrnt. I still bet he knows your picture stupidity will be your downfall I think.

Oh and boney is right, I didn't want to go into the legalities of it and out myself. But basically he could legally challenge you, with the way your are tricking him.

Someone found me on here, so I've had to pretend to be completely different but meh.

Well, why not stick a large scotch on the dining room table if you are married to a recovering alcoholic, in order to "test him" and then say what a pathetic drunk he is when he drinks it?!

And the OP has no idea whether he would ever proceed to even meeting this hypothetical OW, let alone go any further. However, I suspect she was sick of him before all this started and wanted to justify ending things yet still using him as a guarantor.

What next? Are we all going to test our spouses by paying private detectives to chat them up at bars and see how they react? The service does exist, I believe. And then divorce them if they show even a flicker of interest? Complete madness.

well quite, larry

if this bloke engenders so little trust in his partner, he should have been given his marching orders a long time ago

I would feel very sorry if a woman was beholden to him financially though, as seems the case here

it puts her in a very difficult position

you know the man is a twat, but you rely on his financial clout

this is why I am a Feminist

I have no idea why people comment on these threads to say they're not real, it should be a case of offering support, if you think it's attention seeking why give it attention??

I think op should get in new house before anything else, she will not be evicted as a single mother and if she was, she would have other accommodation provided.

However, I do agree that op has not handled situation well, I know we all like to think its not our dh ( myself included) but I can't help but think that the number of men that would get drawn into something like this in one way or another would be scarily high

Questions

if she hasn't had anyone else on a tenancy agreement since her ExP how can she be relient on the current DP?
she must have been able to afford it before the current DP moved in.

OP wants to move to a different area so that other DC can go to a special school?
if so is the other DC from the current DP or ExP?

more improtantly if the OP is moving to a new area for the benifit of a child from a previous relationship and current DP is ok with this he can't be that bad, but is getting royally fucked from the OP.

Answers to Boney -

if she hasn't had anyone else on a tenancy agreement since her ExP how can she be relient on the current DP?
she must have been able to afford it before the current DP moved in.

I could, as I hadn't had my youngest DC then and had a higher income. I am not due to go back to full time work yet so my income is lower.

OP wants to move to a different area so that other DC can go to a special school?
if so is the other DC from the current DP or ExP?

ExP - only the youngest DC is his.

more improtantly if the OP is moving to a new area for the benifit of a child from a previous relationship and current DP is ok with this he can't be that bad, but is getting royally fucked from the OP.

The area we are moving to is literally 5 minutes away - its the change of postcode and local authority thats important. You can walk from current house to new house in minutes. It is also into the area in which his whole family live, onto a road where he has friends.

I don't think I am beholden to him financially - I can afford to feed and clothe my DC, I can afford the roof over our heads, its just that the estate agents wants you to be earning over a certain amount. It was his idea to be guarentor, and until all this happened I thought it was a good idea too, this was going to be a good start to the new year for us, there was never any intention of using him like this. I just can't afford for the move to fall through now, credit checks and admin fees have already cost a fortune, I wont be able to pay for them to be done at another property.

He has emailed a lot this evening although I didn't reply much - I wont even repeat what he said as it is to graphic and wouldn't be believed.

I cant put into words how I feel.

Again, I know I started it. I regret starting it, it wasn't an excuse to get rid of him, I wanted to prove to myself that I could trust him, so that I could stop wondering and being insecure, I thought it would show me I was being stupid. I should have stopped when he first showed an intrest but I couldn't/didn't I had to push him and see how far he would go.

It could all just be fantasy for him?

I think he too would be pretty mad if he found out it was you who set him up.

Either stop it all and never meantion to him or pretend to discover messages and confront.

I think it sounds like he loves you but is stupidly getting a thrill out of extra attention.

But what you have done is to betray him too and destroy trust in your relationship

Sorry but if some random had texted me while I was in a relationship it would have been a polite thanks but no thanks, and I'd expect the same from a partner in any future relationship. I certainly wouldn't start engaging in a load of fantasy sex talk and anyone that would wouldn't have a leg to stand on re the moral high ground.

The OP was clearly right not to trust him and I can't believe so many people are picking on her :(. Who would want to be in a relationshipwith someone that falls for the first bit of attention they have from the opposite sex

"That he hasnt had a decent shag for a long time, that he loves me but is bored."

That is what you have to go on. This is about the most honest 'cheating' man I have heard! Wow, any OW who would agree on these terms is just a pointless object, a slag. 'My' OW got told he didn't love his wife any more - and he chose her 100% all the time he was in his bubble.

Send him a text from OW: if you had a decent shag with your gf, what would it be like? From beginning to end... or do you want someone new?

See what he says.

I have pmd you

It does sound as if he is using this caller as a sort 'chat line'. If he thinks she's real, he probably thinks she is doing the same thing. Just two people getting a thrill from 'sexting' each other. He may have no intention of meeting up with her. Hugely disrespectful to his wife, but in his mind, just a bit of harmless fun. He does feel guilty, though, which is why he is being so attentive to his wife, so he does realise he is out of order.

OP I really think you need to stop tormenting yourself now. You know he will say anything but he has refused to meet with her. Maybe you could send one last message to say I'm going away and won't be in touch again, do you want to meet one time before I leave. If he agrees to meet, you have your answer, if he doesn't you end the charade.

Then take some time to decide what you want to do about the relationship.

I cant forgive him because of the things he has said (last night he said he had a wank in the car thinking of her etc and that he was going to come home and do things to his mrs thinking about her - and he did try but I 'had a headache') He has told her somethings about his sex life being crap after DC etc but we had been having sex - not as often as he would have liked though.

I can barely look at him, he is being so so nice and attentive to me, he was texting me (the real me) last night after almost every email he sent her, telling me he was bored as his friend was off loading on him and he wished he was at home with me etc

Last night he slept with his arms round me - we are normally the type of couple that likes their own space. I couldn't sleep, all I kept thinking was 'bastard bastard bastard'

He thinks I am stressed because of the house move.

I think he would meet her, he was floating the idea of her booking into a b&b nearish and him meeting her for a couple of hours last night.

Namechanged.

Op my dh has done to me what you are doing to your dp.

He became suspicious after we went through a rough patch. I can't go into details of why because I don't want to out myself, but I am not having an affair.

He is deeply suspicious that I am going to cheat on him. He hacked into my twitter account to view my private messages, he hacked into my email address, he has used remote access to log into my computer while he is at work to see what I am doing. He somehow managed to trace where I was when out and challenged me on it when I got home. And yes, he obtained another sim and sent me a text with kisses on it saying "hello, this is my new number, xx xx" and when I replied "who are you?" and then told dh about it he acted surprised and even laughed that someone would send a text without putting their name on it. It was only a few days later when I again said I wondered who the text was from that he admitted it was from him, said that the sim was something to do with work and he was playing around with it.

Fucking around with your dp like this achieves nothing.

I don't tell my dh a lot of things now because everything is a game to try and catch me out.

He mentions things in conversation that I know he can only know from having snooped on me, and I just let it go. I suppose he (and many on here) might see that as an admission of my guilt, but the truth is that it's just too tiring to keep protesting my innocence so i keep quiet for a quiet life.

But the trust is broken. I have nothing to hide, but I object to the fact that my privacy has been invaded. So I regularly change my passwords and I have a lock pin on my phone which I change regularly. If none of this had happened I wouldn't feel the need to hide any of it, but the fact that it has all been accessed without me having done anything wrong leads me to want to protect myself.

No good can ever come from snooping and spying and playing petty childish games like that.

When it happens here I know it's him. When the phone rings with no number I know that he's checking to see if I'm on the phone. ditto my mobile... The difference here is that your dp has reacted and is probably playing your game, whereas I don't, but I could, I easily could.

Stop playing games and either end the relationship or start communicating. No good can come of this, and his reaction proves nothing, because he's not talking to a real person, he's talking to you, and for all you know he probably knows that.

I am going to namechange back now, I just wanted to say that.

Sometimes sex chat with stranger is harmless fun and doesn't mean we love our partner any less......again everybody has different thresholds of what they are willing to accept! The deal breaker would be if he does agree to go meet her.....as sick as this makes me feel, I think you should find out if he takes that step. He may just be a man who sincerely loves you, but is bored, and you both need to deal with that.....the only problem is - what happens next time he is bored?!!?

Ask him to meet up, see if he goes!

"he was texting me (the real me) last night after almost every email he sent her, telling me he was bored as his friend was off loading on him and he wished he was at home with me etc "

Can SOMEONE explain this to me? How do they split into two people??????