I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

I do agree that it's unsustainable to constantly be checking up on a partner, but don't think you can put a time limit on the rebuilding of trust. It's not a question of deciding to trust again - people feel how they feel and it will be a different time scale for everyone.

Probably you are right in that the relationship should end if trust can never be rebuilt, but it's not always easy to leave -the OP wants to believe in and trust her partner, they have dc and so have more people to consider than just themselves. Maybe the checking up was wrong, but look what she found. No way is she better off not knowing what kind of man he is.

I equate porn with emotional infidelity but I accept that we all have different opinions on that, but even putting that aside and treating this as a fresh 'crime' what he has been saying about the op is truly awful and she deserves to know that this is how he conducts himself when not in her presence.

Well see I actually think. Op decided she did want out with what happened before. But rather than say so. Concocted this plan to rid him AFTER he sorted her house.

but that's just the thing - she went looking and didn't find anything.

And not being content with not finding anything she created a situation, knowing exactly the right words to use to get him to respond.

The written word is powerful. Never underestimate it.

And he didn't say horrible things about her - the woman he described looked nothing like her.

she never dealt with the original deceit, she's entering into a new stage, new home with a man she never trusted from the off.

she's been proved right.

op, you accomplished what you wanted to find out.

now what?

don't hang on to him just cos you 'need' him!!??

He said he'd be fucking his wife and thinking about ow. Also that his wife used to be pretty before dc. There was no need for any of that and shows him up as a pretty despicable person imo.

But op isn't his wife, he also dosent know what she looked like before dc, he met her after she had dc.

He isn't describing op at all. Some made up person in his head.

FWIW I think he realises its you. This is going to be one almighty showdown when you both come clean. Your poor DC have had their family shattered because you wanted to play a game.

yep, whatever he thought, however flattered he was temporarily with the first few texts, if he wanted to

'have a fresh start'
'maybe get engaged'

and was a decent bloke committed to the mum of his dc, he would have stopped.

I have been saying wife when I mean partner.

His emails have been pretty sexually explicit and he has told 'ow' that he will be thinking of her when doing certain sex acts with the op. The op says that he then tried to have sex with her, so he could carry out this fantasy. that's really disrespectful and treating his partner, the woman he is supposed to love, like some kind of object, in order to indulge this fantasy.

I couldn't, and wouldn't want to, come back from that.

"He said he'd be fucking his wife and thinking about ow." because op (in her ow persona) told him that she wanted him to think about her while having sex with his wife (she admitted that).

so did the op have sex with him even after that text then?

are you sure it isn't just the both of them playing a game?

Agree with everything karma says

I think op pleaded a headache.

but wannabe, he's got a brain, he didn't 'have' to act out the scenario. op has taken it too far agreed.

oh, hang on, I forgot, he hasn't got a very big brain by all accounts.!

I am fairly certain he knows it's her and is playing a game.

after all, his emails have been diverted to their joint email address, and the photos were copied from her laptop. The trail leads right back to her without even having to put in the effort to find out.

I think what probably happened is he got the text which he responded to until he said he had a partner and child at home and then stopped. I think that in the week after that he discovered on his blackberry that his emails had been diverted to the joint email address, and realizing that she was trying to set him up, he felt betrayed (and whatever your views on porn, setting him up like that is a betrayal, it would be a betrayal if he hadn't responded, so it isn't any less so now that he did) and wanted to hurt her. So he texted asking for pictures which she duly provided from google, and then he started to turn the screw to see how far he could push her, not to see how she would respond online, but probably to try to see how far he could push it before she snapped and either confessed or confronted. Except it probably went much much further than he'd anticipated.

Exactly, the stuff he has said, has been what op has suggested to him. She really did ask for it.

The only ones that should get sympathy here are the dc's. She's going to keep going from dad, to dad at this rate. Testing then dumping if she dosent grow up.

What wannabe said, which is what I said from the beginning. She has lead him right back to her.

*led

Hope your ok op x

Jesus when did MN become a place for so much hatred. OP is in a really shit position and half of you are going on about how horrid she is or how its fake.
who cares if she set a trap, and who cares if she carried it on longer then all of you perfect people would of. she came on here for support, so if you still disagree with her then move onto a different thread.

i personally will keep checking in to make sure poor OP is coping because at the moment i'm pretty sure a lot of you are only making her feel worse.

OP i am here for you, you just need to stay strong for your kids, please start eating again as your breast feeding LO depends on it even if you don't want to.
Ignore those who are making this harder and please just keep your kids as your priority. look after yourself! Only you know what's going to happen next. xxx

Well said, TooMuch, Star and Karma.

Toomuchinlove - always bemuses me how threads always go a bit weird if they run for long enough. Poor OP has managed to be accused of lying, pretty much right through the spectrum to being completely In the wrong and oh! Her poor unsuspecting partner, how terrible for him!
I hope she's ok. The situation is less than ideal, but she is well aware of that. Hope she can sort the wheat from the chaf as it were

Telling her she is justified in her bunny boiler behaviour, isn't going to help her future relationships.

Some people will think this is perfectly normal behaviour and her partner is nasty cheating scum bag. Some women think its ok to endlessly punish and control your partner, for one mistake.

Others will think op, is an immature, manipulative, gamplayer who got burnt playing with fire. Just out to use him.

That's life, it's a public forum, people with have different ideas of what's what. If her kids were her priority,mashed wouldn't be playing such fucked up games.

Hopefully one day she will get help, see is isn't normal and have a healthy relationship, so in the long run, she should benefit for alternate views.

FWIW, to everyone that says the DP must know - I think it's unlikey, he's obviously not tech savvy enough to turn off push notifications on his blackberry (OP said that he wouldn't let her use his phone in case an email beeped), and so would be unlikely to go checking to see if his emails had been forwarded surely??

As you were...

karmabeliever
"But if a partner has form for bad behaviour, then perhaps they lose their right to be trusted totally and without question."
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Does that also include the op who now has form for bad behaviour?

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Starwisher
"I imagine the op didn't want face the issues because she was pregnant and didn't want to put stress and risk on her unborn child"

"But then you will realise the op has been pushed and pushed by her ex and by him. His actions of breaking her trust with porn and sex book are what pushed her to this"
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would you like to put forward any more excuses for excusing the OP's behaviour?