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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

483 replies

dammandblast · 07/01/2012 21:45

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done Sad

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 11/01/2012 13:31

"Because and wannabe you have exceptionally low opinions of men" no actually. I think that anyone is fallible. And if someone knows someone else inside out then it is much easier to draw them in than it would be if they were a stranger for instance.

And I actually think one of the reasons why so many people are understanding of why the op did what she did is because there are a lot of people who think it totally acceptable and would do the same. Bet they wouldn't be so understanding if they were on the receiving end though.

RabidEchidna · 11/01/2012 13:33

People who play with fire get burned

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 13:33

I imagine the op didn't want face the issues because she was pregnant and didn't want to put stress and risk on her unborn child

Perhaps now, she got sick of hiding her head in the sand and wanted confirmation one way or another of who this man truly is.

I do think she was hoping to find an honest man in all this, and not a trap as such. I think the unknown was driving her mad and fuelled this behaviour. But I do think she was hoping he would come good.only she knows for sure,

However it does seem her doubts about her were justified.

I don't think most men would crack, I think most men are better than that.

I do think enough now and time to talk properly with the father of her child.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 13:34

I don't have exceptionally low opinions of men. My husband is well paid, and often away. A lads culture is encouraged in his job. He dosent drink, he dosent go out all the time by himself. He loves, me, treats me with respect, he has never to my knowledge cheated, he dosent have Facebook, leaves his phone around to use. The most trustworthy and kind man I've met, that's why I married him.

Just because I see ops actions as screwed up and I see that humans make mistakes, dosent mean my judgement is bad.

Sorry if that pisses you off that I married a good guy.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 13:38

It doesn't piss me off because it actually baffles me!

You know your dh wouldn't do this, I know my wouldn't. Therefore I would like to be fair to men and conclude most are above this behaviour and only a small percentage would sink so low.

Do you think you got the only good man in the world, or indeed he isn't the only good guy? It's u fair to say most would crack.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 13:44

I think even good men can make mistakes. I think it's naive to think otherwise. Lifestyle, job, bla, blah.

I love my husband he loves me, he is a good guy, many are. But many good guys make mistakes, they are not perfect.

Everyone has a vulnerability, everyone. I think most people at some point, will become exposed to the potential to make a mistake. It's knowing that, it's accepting things like that can happen, which actually steer you away from danger.

I do still think many, many men, even good ones. If they were pushed enough, by the people they trust, love and know them the most. Their partners. I think if partners really emotionally and physically stimulated and pushed and pushed and pushed. Yes I do think many would cave, even if only briefly.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 13:53

But then you will realise the op has been pushed and pushed by her ex and by him. His actions of breaking her trust with porn and sex book are what pushed her to this.

She has acted in a wrong manner but I can understand why.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 14:02

No the reality is. He looked at pregnant porn. Once. She said she forgave and moved on.

He looked at fbs sex once, but didn't do anything, she said she also proved it. She forgave and moved on.

After a YEAR of him doing NOTHING AT ALL, she then decides to search his phone and divert his emails. Bang out of order, they'd moved on. You don't get to control someone forever for a mistake you've moved on from.

This shows him as INNOCENT. She then goes onto honey trap him, pushing, pushing and pushing, knowing how to reel him in. Not letting it drop when he says so. BINGO an excuse to dump him when she has what she wants.

She will never, ever meet a decent man, or have a fulfilling relationship, if her and other women keep justifying her bunny boiler antics, because the ex did and no because he did.

Never punish one for another's mistakes.

wannaBe · 11/01/2012 14:12

SW so how far would it be acceptable to go in pursuit of reassurance?

Checking his phone? How often?

Diverting his emails? For how long?

Sending leading texts/emails? How many?

Hiring a private detective to have him followed?

Hiring an agency to honey trap him?

Just how far is it acceptable to push someone to the edge?

Looking at porn once does not make someone a cheat - if you push something enough then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 14:19

Oh no, I'm not saying acceptable, but understandable.

His actions on the other hand are neither.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 14:23

Well if you think that humans are not infallible. Considering what has happened here, his actions could be deemed understandable too. Especially if he knows.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 14:26

If he knows, (which I'm hoping) then it's different.
If he doesn't then.... Well I hope they can get through this...

wannaBe · 11/01/2012 14:47

all understandable though?

Checking his phone - yep, can understand that.

Checking his emails - yep, I can understand that as well.

Diverting his emails (having not found anything) so the op has them sent to her - less understandable.

Sending him leading texts/emails/pictures from google to create a false identity, having had no evidence from previous checks - nope, not understandable at all and bordering on unhinged and deranged.

The rest was all hypothetical although I wouldn't have put it past the op to do any of those either..

Being drawn in by someone who is just like your partner but apparently not paranoid or insecure - understandable (no not acceptable but understandable, esp if op is always like this).

Agincourt · 11/01/2012 14:49

I would be furious if my husband wanted to keep checking my phone and my emails tbh, they are MINE and they are PRIVATE

I don't check his either

I don't find any of it understandable

CleopatrasAsp · 11/01/2012 15:07

I can't understand the posters on here who are saying that any man 'might' stray if they are set up with their very own fantasy text woman. That is a very low opinion to have of all men and I feel sad about that.

I know for a fact my DH just wouldn't reply to such a text and would probably be very puzzled about it and come and discuss it with me. As for me, even if Henry Cavell texted me for some sexy time I would not respond - I love my husband and that's it. So no amount of tempting would get a response from me.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/01/2012 15:24

It takes a moment to destroy trust and years to rebuild it fully, so once a person has behaved in such a way as to fracture that trust, then I can see why their partner might never fully recover total confidence in them.

The key thing for me here, is the very disrespectful way he is talking about his partner to the 'ow'. Even if you go by the belief that anyone can make a mistake or get carried away, there is absolutely no going back from the utterly obscene things he has said about the OP in his texts and emails. How can you build a life with a man who says one thing to your face but makes it so clear behind your back that he has no respect or deep feeling for you?

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 16:07

If people make a mistake, there is no excuse, to keep testing them and invading their privacy forever more. It's quite an abusive train of thought. You do not have the right to control someone in such a way forever.

Starting to realise why there are so many single people on here tbh. It's ok for a woman to mess about, punish a man indefinitely. But not the same if a woman admits to a mistake.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/01/2012 16:23

I agree that it is healthier for a relationship if you can trust each other and rely on your partner to be honest. However, the result of that seems to be that unfaithful partners would continue to be unfaithful and their spouses be none the wiser. A person might be happier only if they believe ignorance is bliss.

I guess this comes down to thinking that what the OP did wasn't right, but because what he is doing is so much worse and it's not the first time, she is somewhat vindicated.

People have argued that she's created his perfect woman and made it impossible to resist - I disagree. He could have resisted and quite easily, which leads me to believe that if he's been faithful this past year, it was only because he lacked opportunity or temptation.

In the end I think it's better to know what kind of man you have, than live in ignorance. I think if I'd been caught playing away by my dh, I hope I would understand that he will not fully trust me again for a long time, if ever and that it would be my own fault so I'd have to suck it up.

wannaBe · 11/01/2012 16:26

I don't believe that any man would react in the same way to those text, nor that any man will stray.

But I believe that everyone has the capasity to be unfaithful. That doesn't mean I believe that everyone will be unfaithful, but I think you can never say never, because how things are right now might not be how they are in the future and vice versa. And given that 60% of men and 50% of women admit to cheating on their partners, how many more do you think there are that don't admit it?

and no, I do not believe that it is ok to never be able to be trusted again. I can understand the betrayal that someone feels if they have been cheated on, and if that level of mistrust means that they no longer feel they can or want to remain in the relationship. But if you choose to forgive and to move on then you do not then have the right to control the other party, either you forgive, or you don't, and if you don't then you should move on.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 16:28

What wannabe said. Basically.

wannaBe · 11/01/2012 16:32

"but because what he is doing is so much worse and it's not the first time," but it is the first time. Looking at porn once does not amount to an affair. There is no corollation between the two - many, many men look at porn and don't have affairs. By the same token many people have affairs but have no interest in porn.

"However, the result of that seems to
be that unfaithful partners would continue to be unfaithful and their spouses be none the wiser." well if that's the view then perhaps partners of those that are unfaithful need to accept that and move on with their lives rather than live in the constant paranoya that it will happen again.

Sometimes people are unfaithful and getting found out is the jolt they need to admit to being in the wrong and putting it right, and they never stray again.

Sometimes people stray again and again.

But ultimately, if someone decides to take their partner back after an affair, while I absolutely see that there has to be a period where the unfaithful party needs to prove themselves, I do not think that the "wronged" party has the right to expect this to be a lifelong commitment to being controled due to previous wrongdoing.

Starwisher · 11/01/2012 16:35

Your obsessed with this idea everyone else on here is single. Why?

Agincourt · 11/01/2012 16:40

they are both as bad as one another but the most bizarre thing about this is they were both texting one another Confused it's just seriously fucked.

Becauseimperfect · 11/01/2012 16:46

Wannabe has it spot on again. NO ONE has the right to keep controlling and invading the privacy of a person for a mistake or worse someone else's previous mistakes.

He's never cheated before looking at porn is not cheating. The fbs thing is a red herring he never did anything, op says so herself.

wannaBe · 11/01/2012 16:47

yes it reminds one a bit of

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