I fucked up first but he has seriously fucked up too. What a mess.

[dammandblast]

And now I feel dreadful.

My Ex was a knob, he cheated on me and joined sex sites etc. When I met DP I told him how hurt I had been and he always swore he would never do the same.

We had been together a year when I randomly decided to check his phone and in his internet history was the page 'you have just logged out of facebook of sex' He said he had only looked at it that day and that he had to create an account to see the photos on the site - that he was curious. I checked his emails and he was telling the truth. He threw the phone in a sink of water, deleted his email address and de-activated his fb account as 'proof' it wouldnt happen again. It took ages to get over it and I think I would have left him if hadnt been pregnant at the time.

For over a year after that he only had a very basic phone with no internet access and we shared an email address - his choice.

Then he was given a blackberry and set up an email address etc although as far as I knew didn't use it to often.

I had a fit of paranoia and took his phone when he was sleeping to check his emails but couldnt find the inbox so went into the settings and set it up so that his incoming emails very sent to our joint email address. I know I shouldn't have but I just had a nagging suspicion.

And then I did something even worse, I used an old phone and put a new sim in it and sent him a wrong number text saying he was the most gorgeous man in the room, and he replied. After a casual few texts he replied that he shouldn't be texing as he has a partner and dc and he didn't want to lose us. I was really happy that he had 'proven' himself to me.

Until he text again this morning asking what I looked like etc and if I could send him some photos along with his email address. So I sent him some from google, and he sent some back. There were lots of dirty texts and some talking about wishing he was single etc and possible meet ups.

Right now he is upstairs in bed and I have just gotton an email to 'her' account saying he is in bed playing with himself and thinking of how beautiful she is.

What have I done

Name changer due to being ashamed of myself.

Sorry about typing, nursing baby.

You know funnily enough, he could have had a moment of weakness and thought fuck what am I doing? If he dosent indeed know it her.

Never to ever go there again, that's actually quite probable tbh. He's been sexting for what a week, but is not going any further.

The people who are telling op she is justified are just as batshit crazy as her with this scenario.

She will keep behaving like this, because her ex did, because he did. Any decent sane man would run a mile to the far side of fuck.

She is going to end up on her own, she is always going to be suspicious and able to justify this kind of stuff, until she sorts her own head.

he hasn't had an affair - he has been emailing the op, and as BIP said, because she knows him, she knew exactly what buttons to push to get the desired reaction. She deliberately set out to make him fail. Just look at the lengths she went to.

She took his phone and checked it, and did she find anything? no.

She diverted his emails to the joint account, and did any suspicious emails come through? no.

But she obviously wasn't content with that, so she set a trap, and using what she knew about him she reeled him in.

Even when he said things like not wanting to continue any more she just couldn't let it go, she just had to carry on saying things like she thought they could be special and to tell his wife about "us" even when he was adamanet there was no "us" she just couldn't let it go.

How far would you have gone op, if he hadn't responded to your text, what was your next ploy? hire a honey trap agency with an actual person to entrap him?

The op is not a victim here. She is in a situation of her own making.

"However, he has just looked you in the eye and promised you that the crap from when you were pregnant was a one off and that he'd never do that to you
again while he's doing it to you again" except he isn't - he had told the emailer that he didn't want to do it any more and that there was nothing. Maybe he had a moment of weakness and has come to his senses. And that's assuming he doesn't know the op is playing the game which I sincerely doubt.

Well said Wannabe. Both posts.

So this man is a poor innocent guy who was cruelly placed under unreasonable pressure through a text message that turned him overnight from a kind, loyal man to the one described on this thread?

Yeah right.

The op hasn't created the monster, it was already there

Whatever our varying opinions of the OP's actions, it has now been done.

Surely the question is, what does she do now? Tell him everything, pretend to have found the emails, just finish with him without explanation?

OP, do you want to keep working at this relationship?

No op has made this monster.

He is a human. I think the reason so many women are getting antsy about this, are because they really deep down think their husbands might do the same.

I think even the most trustworthy man I think could fail here.

Op was determined come what may to get this result and bin him once she'd used him and got what she wanted. Victim, she ain't. If this is real, that's calculating as any sane person would go batshit crazy with pain.

She finds NOTHING on his phone, nothing on his email. Damn nothing to dump him with. So she goes on to honey trap him.

Chances are if this scenario did happen, he'd have left alone, as he actually TRIED to do SEVERAL times before it got sexual.

Op then continued and continued, harassing him, trying to get him to bite. Easy for her she knows how he ticks, she knows how his relationships and sexual preferences work. She then carries on this fucked up facade pestering and pestering until he bites. She is then upping the anti by responding to and in a sexual manner, knowing how he ticks.

I have to say I think a high number of men would cave under that persistent pressure, most would probably think oh fuck and stop. But I do think initially most will cave.

Op was never ever going to let this go, she went out for this result and upped the anti until she got it. She is gonna be one lonely lady.

If a man was trustworthy, he wouldn't engage in this kind of behaviour. If he's only trustworthy so long as no one actually puts temptation in his way, then that's not trustworthy at all.

But he didn't tell the emailer he 'didn't want to do it anymore' in fact he asked her to contact him again on Thursday at 3pm. If he's backed off now, it's only because the emailer was starting to sound dangerous and volatile and not the free-spirit who was up for a bit of secret fun that he'd hoped she'd be. The OP has created the conditions to allow him to back out of this, but she would be foolish to pretend that he'd had a sudden attack of guilt - sudden attack of self-preservation perhaps!

I'm at a loss why anyone would believe that he is a good guy who just had his head turned a bit. The hurtful comments about the OP were totally unnecessary. Plus 'good guys' with a baby don't tend to spend 4-5 nights out every week, lie to their partners and try to destroy evidence down the sink, like he did when he was caught on that FB site. For some reason that the OP can't explain, she was 'happy' with that sort of partner. Maybe the elaborate 'trap' that has had most of us looking on in horror and incomprehension is all part of a personality of a woman who was trained early on that men's poor behaviour must be tolerated and the only exception to that is infidelity of any kind. From what the OP has posted, her partner's extra-curricular sexual proclivities are just one of his problems, but she seems prepared to put up with the rest......I wish she'd realise she really doesn't have to do that.

'OP has made this monster'

Sorry, but that is a crock of shit. She may have gone a little too far (although with reasons for stalling for time), but he is responsible for HIS actions.

Being on her own would in my view, be infinitely preferable than staying with this wanker. Much less lonely too, I would have thought.....

Well said Karma

Although very for the OP.

He did try and get out of it she kept banging on.

The fact that most people are missing, is he was conversing with his partner, so she knew how to pull him in. Most strangers wouldn't. She was absolutely 100% determined to get him for something. I think most men would have a lapse with that kind of determination.

I still think its fake, who pays a deposit before getting the contacts signed, but f it's not. He's probably well shot if her, as her him. Both as bad.

However if she thinks that these kinds of games, are ok, normal or justifiable. She is never, ever going to find a keeper. Ever.

She doesn't need to find a 'keeper'.

It's okay for a woman to be on her own!

no, the op made the monster.

We don't actually know what the past indiscretion was, if there in fact even was any, all we know is that op caught him closing some facebook sex page. It could have been porn, it could have been anything - we don't know. There is no previous evidence that this man had cheated on the op, and whatever he had done with that page, he was not responsible for the actions of her ex.

I agree with bip that he is a human being who was pushed pushed pushed by someone who knew exactly what made him tick.

And she'll probably do the same to her next partner, and the one after that, and so on.

To the people defending the op, do you all think it's perfectly ok to test your partners then in moments of insecurity? Or even just to see if they would crack under the temptation? And if not then, why in this situation?

And you are perfect 'Becauseimperfect'. Obviously.

'I think most men would lapse with that kind of determination'

Really??? FFS!

He hasn't tried very hard to get out of it. Really, it's not that difficult. You just say, 'thanks for the offer, I'm flattered, but I have a wife'.

I'm not defending the OP at all - I think she would be better off out of a relationship and having some professional help.

I'm just not defending the man here, who is quite patently a complete wanker.

Karma, yes that's my thoughts exactly!

She may have provided the bait in this instance, but he was a liberty as what to do. A decent person wouldnt bite. Let's not forget, he has on two occasions provided his own bait with porn and sex book.

As it happens my ex did similar to me in regards to fake messages,I replied I had no idea who this was and told them I was with someone else. Which is what he should of done.

However i am still hoping he does know its her which would explain how vile his messages are, as he simply trying to get her to fess up. Hmm....

Under normal circumstances, I don't think people should set out to 'test' their partners. But if a partner has form for bad behaviour, then perhaps they lose their right to be trusted totally and without question. Their previous behaviour will have bred insecurity and doubt and maybe naturally the partner wants to test their honesty before totally committing themselves emotionally again.

While this wasn't the greatest idea in the world, I can see why the OP has done it. Sometimes you can have a niggling doubt about something and can't quite put your finger on it, but your subconscious is aware that all is not quite right. So someone with those niggly feelings might check up on their partner because their intuition is alerting them to something.

It's not healthy to live like this, but I can see why it's happened here.

Exactly wannabe. She will keep doing it and pushing pushing pushing. Until each man cracks. You know humans do crack under pressure, that's called being human.

You'd almost think, that people like the idea of op being on her own, playing screwed up games. Just because many people in relationships are on their own, dosent mean everyone has to aim for that goal.

Because and wannabe you have exceptionally low opinions of men

charbon but that's assuming he doesn't know that it's his partner playing this game.

She has diverted his emails to an address to which they both have access. There is no reason why he couldn't have found that out.

"But if a partner has form for bad behaviour, then perhaps they
lose their right to be trusted totally and without question." but for how long? a week? month? year? indefinitely? should a partner who has betrayed their partner once (perhaps in a moment of weakness) be subjected to scrutiny for the rest of their life? That is an insanely unhealthy way to live.

I absolutely agree that someone who has betrayed their partner in such a manner needs to earn back their trust. But there has to come a point where the one who has been betrayed needs to come to terms with what has happened and either needs to trust again or move on. Just because you might have been betrayed once doesn't give you the right to hold that person to randsome for an indeterminate amount of time. Trust has to be the basic grounds for a relationship. If that trust is lost, seemingly beyond redemption, there is no hope for the relationship and it should end.

And the man in this instance hadn't actually done anything wrong to provoke what happened here, and that was proved when the op diverted his emails and looked at his phone.

I do not believe that "intuition" or "gut feeling" is a valid reason to play childish games in order to justify what you think should be happening.

No, it makes no difference in my book wannaBe.

My point is - and it seems to keep getting lost - is that regardless of this latest episode, the OP seems to have put up with a partner who lies to her, destroys evidence, secretly looks at porn, goes out 4-5 nights a week even though they have a baby and other DCs and is someone she does not trust. I'm querying why anyone would call that a 'happy' relationship, but the OP keeps saying now that she was 'so happy' before this.

Setting honeytraps in the first place suggests the OP needs some help with normal behaviour in a relationship, but I'd suggest she starts with thinking just what she was prepared to put up with before she went down this route - and why?